May 28, 2013 – Candy bar

Last night right after dinner as my Princess was just about to begin another session of the computer game she is playing while I watch, Bioshock Infinite, I went into the kitchen to quickly grab a chocolate covered granola bar for dessert but as I ran back into the computer room my Princess asked accusingly “What is that?”  I am usually not questioned anywhere in such an aggressive manner, it was surprising to me.  I asked “Whaaa?” as I showed her the unopened bar.  She said “Put it away.”

She had to be kidding, or maybe I was just confused, so I said “What do you mean?”  She pointed outside of the room and repeated “Put it away now.”  She didn’t raise her voice but I could clearly sense the command in her manner not to mention the very clear instruction.  I obeyed, of course, and when I returned to the room empty-handed I sat down and could just feel the unspoken pleasure in my Princess’ manner as she began playing the computer game.

I felt figuratively stepped on.  And hours later when she verbally gloated over me from that display of her authority, I felt stepped on again.  Is that fair to make me feel so under her thumb??

My Princess wields her authority over me every day, and every day I do things which I would not do if I were not her sub or slave.  But this was a very gratuitous display of her authority with no reason other than because she can.

And of course that is why I enjoyed it.  (You knew that already, though, my complaining above didn’t fool you!)

Actually, my Princess does other things just because she can but it’s usually under the seeming pretense of being convenient for her, such as sometimes not bringing her water cup with her from the other room so that I have to lower the reclining chair to get up and fetch it when she enters the room, and a bunch of other things like that.  Princess is a very apt title, and I say that with respect of course.

A half hour later as my Princess was still playing the computer game I asked if I could at least eat some grapes but she said no.  As an olive branch, she told me to go get three pieces of raw cauliflower but yeccch I would rather have not had anything.  I knew that she enjoyed the sour look on my face as I chewed and swallowed the cauliflower so I didn’t try to hide it.  She cooed “Doesn’t that taste good?” but she and I both knew the answer was no.

A bit later in the evening after we had taken our neighborhood walk, as usual my face which is cool from the outside air was used to cool off the soles of her warm bare feet (where I am meant to be!).  And then once she was done using my face as a footrest she told me to lie on the bed on my back as she restrained me spread-eagled.  Then she blindfolded me.  Uh oh.

That’s about as vulnerable a feeling as a guy can get, that position practically calls attention to one part of my body.  I was tense but held back on my whimpering.  See, I was strong! lol  Until I heard my Princess plug in the electric cord, and then I begged.  As I’ve said I think many times on this blog, there is no play-acting or “stop, don’t, stop, don’t stop, don’t stop” or anything like that, it legit scares me because I know that I will not enjoy the pain.  I am aware at all times that I love it but the immediate emotion is that I do not enjoy it and I will not enjoy it as it occurs.  (That said, it bares repeating that I am aware at all times that I love love love it.)  Confused much? lol

I asked my Princess to be careful because my knees might hit her as I struggle and it was a good warning because I struggled a whole lot, trying to move my groin away from the painful zzzzzapzzzapzzzzzzap of the neon wand right in my sensitive spots.  Back and forth I was able to struggle wildly so that the individual zzzzaps were not too lengthy.

My Princess stopped after a short time and then wrapped my package a few times with a rope, in a way I could not quite determine due to my blindfold, and she also wrapped the rope individually around each my toes a couple of times, so that when I wiggled my toes it also wiggled my groin, which made her laugh so I did that several times.  However, when I heard the zzzz sound of the neon wand again I knew that my laughing would end and I figured out that the rope did not completely cover my groin as I had hoped.  The next thing I felt was a zzzap right on the end followed by a giggle, zzzzap giggle, zzzzap giggle, zzzzap giggle.  I think that a big part of her giggling are my strange-sounding reactions which are not just “ow” but range from a sharp intake of breath through my teeth, gurgling, laughing, yelling, begging, and making other unintelligible sounds.  I certainly do not plan the sounds I make and I don’t think about them until they occur.

After she had enough of this my Princess gave me calming words to let me know that it was over and I could relax, because she can tell how tense I am even when the pain stops.  She transitioned to impact using my belt on me, whipping both parts of my package lightly with just the end of the belt in addition to whacking my thighs, soles, and chest (I am pretty sure that she aims at the nipples which makes me give a louder yelp).  She even used the end of the belt to slap my face on my right cheek over and over and over.  It hurt but I knew that it was just a stinging pain and not with any force to break my jaw or anything close to that but it hurt and it felt wrong.  She was not laughing but she was making some sort of sounds of enjoyment which I can’t remember now.  I do remember thinking “This is not in the BDSM manual!  Not fair!” as I sometimes say out loud to her in joking but I didn’t dare talk or move my face with that damn belt slapping my face and I had to just take the pain and indignity.  She then whipped my left cheek over and over with the belt and it just felt so wrong that I began to cry.

Sometimes on FetLife there are threads about how to get a sub/masochist to cry and I think for me it is the combination of pain which keeps going to a point past when I feel like an abused victim along with some sort of humiliation.  My Princess could not detect my crying since I was wearing a blindfold and she stopped right when it started, but I said something like “Thank you, Princess” in gratitude for her stopping the pain and I’m sure she heard my voice crack.

Whip me, electrocute my genitals, humiliate me, but please don’t take away my cand..granola bar! waaaa.

Evening addendum:  I wrote the above during the day today.

My Princess is out to see a friend for an hour tonight and guess what food item, if any, I have in my hand right now for dessert?  She didn’t give me any instructions on that tonight.  Answer below.

While my Princess and I were preparing dinner I asked if there were any green onions but those were used in last night’s meal so she said “No but there is cauliflower.”  She had to just rub it in, didn’t she?  I almost ran crying back to my computer to blog about it, but I waited until the tears went away.  (I’m just joking about the crying part.)

I see the look on her face sometimes when she does random acts of meanness to me, wondering if she can get away with it.  Well, yeah you can!!! 🙂  The only consequences are that she might read me whining about it on here lol.

Okay so I’m a good boy and have cauliflower in my hand now, right?  Wrong!  I have a granola bar in my hand right now, so there!!

But damn I feel compelled to return it back to the shelf and get some cauliflower.  I’m only going to eat one piece, though! (wow ain’t I bratty?)

Damn that tastes awful!

May 13, 2013 – Computer games and the sounds of a beating

The first half of this is not much about BDSM.

Yesterday I was hoping for a relaxing Sunday playing computer games.  But my Princess had other ideas.  She prohibited me from accessing my PC and instead made me sit on the couch and watch her play my computer games for much of the day.  It’s the truth.  She’s so mean!

Obviously, I’m misleading as usual.  When I’m complaining that’s when you know things are going well.

My Princess enjoys playing the better computer games after I finish them, as I watch her play and try to help when she wants advice.  Now that she has finished the 2-part Batman Arkham series (the games with tons of references to torture) she has moved on to the recent Tomb Raider game.  She usually plays for an hour or so at a time but playing as Lara Croft my Princess seems to be very much into this game, even more so than as Catwoman in the Batman games, because we played for a total of I think 4-5 hours in 2 sessions yesterday.  I like that a lot because it’s something we both enjoy together.

I know that Lara Croft has a stereotype of being eye candy for guys, but at least in the most recent Tomb Raider game her physical image is “classier,” and as a computer game character she is quite strong and kick-ass.  She is put into very difficult survival situations and finds creative ways to overcome them, with plenty of variety of gameplay, unlike the game Bioshock Infinite which I mentioned in this blog a few weeks ago.  In Tomb Raider there are areas of exploration, third-person shooting combat (at times about as much shooting as a Call of Duty game … “please take cover Princess!”), large-scale environment puzzles, fast action movie-type sequences in which you must press particular keys when prompted, very nice outdoor environments, RPG-type statistics (going up levels and choosing perks), humorous and dramatic conversations, and treasure finding.  Years ago the computer game industry shied away from having multiple play styles within a game because many people were set in their ways and not flexible in what they enjoyed, but nowadays variety like this is often a big selling point.

For example, I watched my Princess figure out a difficult environment puzzle (one which required me to cheat when I played the game a couple of months ago by looking up the solution on the internet) and she took a deep breath of satisfaction, but immediately the game put Lara into a fast and loud action sequence falling and trying to hold on for survival, only to end up in a shooting combat with a bunch of bad guys.  My Princess had to pause the game and take a bit of a break after that.  Many computer games nowadays are sometimes like amusement park rides except interactive and lasting dozens of hours, and that’s true for many different types of action-oriented games.

The Tomb Raider game actually had some mainstream controversy before it was released several months ago due to an in-game scene showing a threatened sexual assault on Lara.  At one point in a game’s cut scene Lara is backed up against a wall and a guy holding a gun caresses her shoulder, with an implication that he will be sexually assaulting her soon.  If the player presses the correct key when prompted, then Lara kicks the guy where it counts and fights and eventually is forced to kill the guy in order to survive.  This implication of sexual assault apparently offended some people but it turns out that once the game was released we all see that if the player does not press the correct key when prompted, the guy does not sexually assault her at all, he violently kills her.  Apparently, this was okay to critics.  Regardless, my Princess received good satisfaction from giving the guy what he deserved.  She only wishes that she had Catwoman’s whip to take care of him.

Speaking of which (you know that I can’t pass up a chance to talk about BDSM when someone mentions whip!), my Princess has been commenting lately that she thinks she does not hit me hard enough which is why my body shows no marks lasting more than maybe 15 minutes.  She saw a picture of a sub guy on FetLife who is not a masochist and does not enjoy pain but suffers for his female Owner, and he had marks all up and down his bare back and on his behind.  Ouch that must’ve hurt like hell.  I claim that my body, as happens with some people, just doesn’t mark much at all and my yelling in agony is not because I’m a wimp.  Well, okay I am a wimp but it hurts!

Speaking of which, I listened to a very enjoyable “Men Submit” podcast at http://www.mensubmit.com/spank-the-kinky-podcast/.  I do not listen to this podcast regularly, and they mentioned that the episode before the most recent one was about housekeeping – wow sign me up to listen to that!  Not!  No offense meant, of course, to those who enjoy housekeeping or listening to a show about housekeeping in a D/s dynamic, to each their own.

In this episode, though, they discussed the details of giving and receiving a spanking including safety, implements, psychology, etc.  The last 15 minutes of the over hour-long episode was the Domme giving her sub husband a sound spanking with various implements.  I am not much at all for watching F/m porn and this didn’t even have any video.  But it wasn’t porn at all, it was actually very informative in my view, portraying the dynamics and details of an actual spanking.  My Princess and I do not go to any BDSM events and we have no real idea how others play, which is fine because there is no right way to play of course, but it was interesting nonetheless to learn about how these two podcast hosts play.

The sub guy explained that due to technical issues the microphone made his voice sound particularly wimpy as he yelled in pain.  Those darn technical issues lol.  He explained that he, like some sub/masochist guys, does not enjoy the pain itself.  For some guys each blow is pleasure but for the sub guy host and also for myself, we don’t enjoy the pain, we enjoy the psychology and emotions caused by the pain, and in our case we both use the word humiliation to describe our emotions of being tortured by our dominant sadist.  The sub guy host sounded exactly like I would sound (except that he has an Australian accent) if I were describing the feelings, including the comments about being wimpy and being embarrassed or humiliated about the amount of yelling and begging from the pain.  He lived up to his word as during the clearly painful beating he yelled “Owww!!!” and begged plenty.  He also couldn’t help but curse on some of the louder blows.  I pretty much never curse … except when I’m being tortured by my Princess in which case sometimes I’m surprised at the words which come out of my mouth.  Early on my Princess used to gasp in surprise at my language.  And I never beg or yell! … okay that’s an outright lie to the nth degree.

And the sub guy host’s dominant wife laughed a whole lot, especially when her suffering sub was yelling and begging.  Her reactions were very close to my Princess’ reactions.  Hahaha it’s so funny to see a poor suffering slave-boy suffer hahaha, that’s my own take on the laughter.  That is mean!  My Princess was listening to the beating portion of the podcast with me and she even laughed a few times while I was cringing and feeling sympathy for the poor suffering victim.  What’s so funny? a poor guy is being tortured!!

During the beating the hosts reminded us of ourselves, so if you want to hear what my Princess and I sound like when she beats me check out the last 15 minutes of that podcast.  As always, I need to be honest, though, the sub guy on the podcast didn’t whimper and I pretty much always whimper immediately before a beating and in between blows.  It hurts!!!

May 10, 2013 – BDSM and sex

In my time on FetLife and other sites I have learned that how much sexuality, if any, is involved with BDSM is very different based upon the individual.  This can lead to some confusion, or at least for me.

My kinky desires began with a foot fetish near age 9.  But wait, kinky is the wrong word because that refers to sexuality but sexuality was literally not part of my life until my 20s.  So I can just say that my unusual desires began with a foot fetish and then in my mid-late teens I became attracted to images and fantasies of sadists holding a whip.  I felt some shame associated with my desires but in my early 20s is when I finally broke free of the chains of shame and accepted myself for who I was, including a lot of non-BDSM-related differences I have (atheism is an example), and although I can’t say that I’m at 100% acceptance of who I am I can say that I feel pretty darn comfortable with my kinky desires and fantasies (well, maybe not 100% about all of them lol).

Ok, I went off track there a bit.  What I was going to say is that since sex was not part of my life until my mid-20s … oops, that’s a very unusual facet of myself which probably seems strange to some who may be reading this, so I need another tangent.

Actually, there isn’t much to say about it.  Despite my strong foot fetish and desire to be whipped etc., I was basically asexual until my mid-20s.  I was attracted to women beginning I guess near age 12 but my body provided for me no sexual response until my mid-20s, other than rare wet dreams.  I remember asking myself as a teen “I like her and her and her, but I wouldn’t know what to do with them if I had them!”  I did know, but I wasn’t feeling it.  I had a girlfriend when I was a teenager and we would kiss, but there was no sexual response for me.  I was fine with that at the time, I didn’t know what I was missing.

Ok, back on point which is that my foot fetish and desire to be consensually tortured by a sadist developed for many years before I had any sexual responses.  For example, in my early-mid 20s that dominant guy who whipped me and made me worship his bare feet (a story I relate in the About Me section of this blog) was probably surprised when he looked down at me and saw no sexual response.  I thought at the time:  Ha ha on you, no soup for you!  No, not really, because I had told him that there would be no sexual response for me so that should not have been a surprise to him and I did not want to mislead him.

Anywho, so when my Princess whips me or makes me worship her bare feet I have no sexual response, right?  Wrong!!  I don’t know why but even the thought of that turns me on, and the reality of it turns me on or at least until the pain gets more intense in which case I’m so focused on withstanding the torture that my erection fades (something which the sub/masochist guy on The Masocast also said about himself).  However, most every intimate contact, or the thought of intimate contact, with my Princess turns me on, although BDSM and foot worship more so than other intimate contact.

My Princess did not have years (decades) of fantasizing about and desiring BDSM as I had.  It does not sexually turn her on to think about BDSM, although she has fun talking about it with me.  However, due to the reactions she knows I have about it, plus her own desires, it has always turned her on for me to worship her feet.  Also, due to the same reason, I believe that it turns her on to some degree to torture me, or to humiliate or threaten me, not as a direct turn-on but as a way for us to share closeness which is a turn-on.

So is BDSM sexual for us?  Yes, but that’s because of the nature of our love and lust for each other.

That said, sexual contact is not usually part of a BDSM scene for us, although that depends upon what my Princess has in store for us.  In the past few months a beating has more often been followed up with sexual contact than previously, but I am good with both activities being separate or together, I do not have a preference (except for a preference for as much as possible).

But I’m going to go back and reword my question, is BDSM sexual for us as individuals?  The answer is it doesn’t matter, because we are always together.  So I will need to go into a very hypothetical to answer the question.

I believe that if somehow my Princess were consensually torturing someone else, the answer for her would be no.  If somehow someone other than my Princess were consensually torturing me, I believe that the answer for me would be no (unless this was with my Princess present and directing the scene).  BDSM is only tied to sexuality for me because of my Princess, and I really have no sexual desires for anyone but her (yes that’s true, I know that a whole lot of guys are attracted to other women even if they are completely faithful to their partner, but in my case I’m just not even attracted to anyone else).

Not to seem like a lawyer, but repeating the question is BDSM sexual for us as individuals?  No.

Why does this matter?  It doesn’t for us.  But from what I read on FetLife and other places there are plenty of people for whom BDSM is not sexual, and this issue could matter when trying to understand others.

BDSM is extremely sexual for many people while not particularly sexual for others, so when I see FetLife threads about such topics as casual BDSM play or BDSM play early in a relationship, the posts are quite varied and I believe that a lot of that is due to this issue of sexuality.  When asked about casual BDSM play many people respond that they do not want casual sex.  That would confuse me at first because what does that have to do with the price of tea in China (my sayings give away my age lol)?  The topic was about casual BDSM play, not about casual sex.  But for many people it’s intertwined and they don’t separate the two, so a question about casual BDSM play is a question for them about casual sex.

When I think of casual BDSM play I think about whipping, bondage, and a lot of other activities in which touching of genitals are not involved at all.  If someone has their pants on and their bare back is being consensually whipped, is that sexual??  Not to me (unless I am the one being whipped by my Princess).  Consensual whipping is a fun dynamic and I would probably enjoy watching that, whereas I would not at all enjoy watching a sexual scene (I’ve never been into watching porn).  So for casual BDSM play I say “Yeah, you two have fun!” whereas they are often thinking “Omg, I don’t want to have casual sex with this person I barely even know through FetLife!”

It’s a disconnect when this view of BDSM does not quite match.  In the F/m world I believe that there are a whole lot of sub guys who would enjoy casual BDSM play and in my naiveté I didn’t even think of this as anything related to sex, but I realize lately that it really depends upon the individual.

Another area where this issue of sexuality and BDSM can present some miscommunication is in the gender of a partner.  When I read that someone enjoys being whipped, to me that does not mean something sexual so it seems natural to me that the gender of the partner would not make any difference.  But it can make a very big difference if the participants are straight and consider whipping to be sexual.  Again, it very much depends upon the individuals.

I do not see this issue addressed in many FetLife profiles.  Most people list their sexual orientation because it is one of the basic questions on the profile page but usually in their descriptions they do not address how much sexuality is involved in their BDSM desires, unless a reader can glean that information in either reading between the lines or in the description of specific BDSM desires.  For example, “I enjoy forced orgasm” is a pretty clear indication that sexuality is involved.  So when I see a profile which lists that they enjoy whipping and I see that straight is listed for orientation, that still doesn’t really tell me whether or not they would be interested in whipping with someone of the same gender (when I’m seeing who I can fix up with each other lol).

On the other hand, I do not think it would be a problem if one partner felt that BDSM was sexual while the other did not, as long as there would be compatibility in desires and in other facets of the relationship.  I envision a female dominant whipping a male submissive, with the male enjoying the emotion and physicality of being treated to such sadistic cruelty but not to any sexual degree while the female would feel quite sexually turned on by it.  As long as he doesn’t say afterwards “Not tonight dear, I have a back ache!” then I imagine the two could still be quite compatible.

This morning, just after the alarm clock went off, my Princess returned from the bathroom in the early morning as she usually does to lie back in bed and put her bare feet in my eagerly waiting face, but instead she removed the covers and began whacking the stick/cane and then the hard paddle on my bare behind.  What?!  Oww!  That hardly seems fair or reasonable!!  She laid her body on top of my upper body so that I couldn’t move except to kick my lower legs in reaction to the blows.  She seems to enjoy seeing my lower legs kick futilely as a reaction to her beating my behind and I like that, too, as long as she doesn’t try to hit a moving target with something hard (to accidentally hit my hipbone with the hard paddle, for example).  Being able to kick my feet gives me freedom to struggle but it’s futile because I can’t get anywhere.

Ok I admit it, fully restrained or partially free, I love it all.  Damn, why do I have to be so honest?!

May 3, 2013 — Laughter and my first ever play session

Fyi I have updated my About Me section linked at the top of the page with a somewhat detailed account of my first and only BDSM play session in my 20s before I met my Princess.

My Princess seems to be laughing more nowadays.  At me (to my delight).  We were in the supermarket yesterday and she told me to get on my knees in front of her.  I did a double-take because involving non-consenting others (at a supermarket!) is not cool at all but she continued by saying that I need to retrieve her coffee creamer which was on the bottom shelf and set back in the refrigerator.  As I retrieved the container, with my face necessarily very low to the ground so that I could reach far back into the refrigerator unit, I could practically hear my Princess’ kinky thoughts as she moved her open-toe shoe closer to my face.  I was tempted, but was not close to actually kissing her toes due to the non-consenting others issue (a very important issue).

It was just a few seconds of fun but as she was giggling, as though she had gotten away with some evil naughty deed, I commented “Imagine being at a BDSM party where we wouldn’t have to stop short like that!”  A few hours later, between whacks from the assorted instruments she struck me with while I was restrained spread eagled face down on the bed, she teased that she should have made me kiss her feet in front of everyone.  It isn’t easy for me to listen while trying to withstand the pain but I manage to hear most everything she says, as long as it isn’t too complex.  Maybe someday, some year, we will be able to exhibit some public displays of humiliation (pdh) at a BDSM party where others may join in with laughter at my expense.  Does wanting to make others laugh make me Henny Youngman??  (How is that for an old-time reference?)

Last night my Princess also expressed something else interesting as she was whipping my back with the belt.  I had turned my head to watch her enjoyment which is clear from the expression on her face and care she takes in strapping most every place on my body.  Damn that stings.  As she kept whipping me she said with a tone of wonder “I don’t know how you could enjoy being beaten like this.”  I replied with vehemence, trying to twist my body to emphasize my words, “I do not enjoy being beaten!  I just want to serve you, Princess, and I just want to be caressed like I’m a slave pet.”  As the blows continued, in pain I cried out in futility “I want a sensual Domme!!!”

All of what I said was bunk, of course.  Or actually at the moment it was true, the paradox of not wanting to be tortured but loving when my Princess tortures me, but even I had trouble keeping a straight face this time.  My Princess had been out of town for a week and even the poor victimized pet inside of me experienced unconfused enjoyment being with my Princess.  A bit later she snuggled against my body as I was restrained face up spread eagled, and before I managed to cop a free feel of her behind (due to the angle she was lying next to me) she was giggling.  I was in pain and whined “What is so funny?  I am in pain!” but that just made her laugh even more.  I say to her pretty much the reverse of what she says to me, I say “I don’t know how you can enjoy the pain of your loving husband!”

A couple of nights ago I was brushing my teeth getting ready for bed when my Princess appeared unexpectedly right outside of the open door.  Like one of those horror movies I jumped a bit and I could tell that something evil was going to happen.  I gave a very half-hearted and insincere effort to close the door but it was too late.  She looked next to the sink and found small pointy scissors, and I knew that my goose was cooked.  However, there isn’t much she can do with scissors except threaten, since blood play is beyond our limits (soft limits, I think), so I just stood there to take my medicine.  She pushed her arm against my back so I was pressed against the sink counter area and couldn’t move much as she carved her name into my back.  Owww, but I thought we don’t want blood!  I didn’t say that out loud, though.  In truth, I would be okay with going past that limit but only with something sterilized, just picking up something sharp and poking me with it would not be safe, I think!  When she was done with her carving and my groaning she lifted her knee and pushed me over her knee and the sink as she gave me a brief OTK spanking.  Not to tempt fate or anything but I think that my behind can take more than her bare hand can give, the laws of physics dictate equal force and all of that, and I imagine that giving a hand spanking hurts both participants (?).  Once an implement gets added to the mix, though, I’m toast.

Anywho, the next day when I showered I could still feel the scratches.  And last night before my Princess started using the impact implements on me, she enjoyed seeing the scratches on my back, fingering them and sort of cooing over her handiwork.  I felt like an object, my body a canvas for her sadistic enjoyment.  When I gave one of my “poor me” style whines she asked me if seeing the scratches in the mirror freaked me out, although there was no blood at all, and I responded that I hadn’t looked.  The situation reminded me of how a very experienced sadist who might enjoy leaving all sorts of marks talks with an inexperienced sub to coax him through a painful experience, or how a torturer makes it clear that enjoyment will occur regardless of a victim’s considerations.  I loved that dynamic because I want my Princess to have maximum sadistic enjoyment at my expense.  To me the psychology of BDSM is more important than the physical aspects, though the physical certainly adds to and is pretty much necessary for the psychology (for me).

On a different topic altogether, I also want to make a comment about now finally there is an openly gay player on a US major professional team sport.  I am not LGBT but I have hidden my BDSM-ness and other aspects about myself (including my atheism) because of the intolerance of others.  I have almost no respect for those who discriminate against others.  I am very intolerant of intolerance.  I have sat with strangers who looked around to see if a minority was close and then someone in the group would whisper an awful “joke” about a minority.  I have heard many anti-gay and anti-trans “jokes”.  I even hear anti-atheist remarks strongly implying that without a belief in a god a person must not have any personal morals.  These sorts of comments have always turned my stomach, even when I was around 6 years old.  Fortunately, I would only hear these insulting remarks in groups of people I don’t know (and why they think it’s okay to talk smack about people around me is beyond my comprehension), I can’t really say what I’d do if someone I knew made an offensive remark like that.  I believe that I would stand up and tell them what I feel, that their insulting remarks suck.  I read today that the legendary “old school” football coach Vince Lombardi knew of gay players (plural) on his 1968 team and even commented to the coaches on his team that “And if I hear one of you people make reference to his manhood, you’ll be out of here before your ass hits the ground.”

April 22, 2013 – Attacked

I’m not sure what got into my Princess this past Saturday.  I was playing an online game which I had scheduled with a friend until noon while for most of that time she was outside doing whatever gardening she does in our back yard, and once I was done with the game I went into the kitchen to think about what I wanted for lunch.  I filled my Princess’ water cup and brought in back into the room with her computer and asked if she would like anything else, when she stood up and grabbed me.

My Princess doesn’t usually physically grab me, and when she does it is almost always for some sort of torture and almost always she grabs me by my you-know-what and pulls me along (resistance is futile!).  But it was lunch time and she knows how I get when I’m hungry so I figured that it wouldn’t be for torture.

I was wrong.  To my surprise she aggressivly put the hood on my head and had me lie face down on the bed to be restrained spread eagled.  Of course I would rather go through this than go through anything, even eating food, so I wasn’t complaining but she commented that a bit of food deprivation would be on the menu today just because she knows me so well that food would be on my mind.  Fortunately, even though she was more hungry with sadism than usual, she did not overly ramp up the force behind the blows, although she did quickly vary the implements she used on me.

The first thing I felt was that damn hard wooden paddle, but she warmed me up with quick and light taps which were only slightly painful at first.  She went into our bedroom closet to retrieve more toys and I felt I think the crop and a thick wooden gardening stick which she no longer uses outside, with all 3 toys whacked against my behind; my upper back (crop and stick only), upper arms (crop and stick), thighs, calves, and soles of my feet (crop and stick).  Question:  do others who submit to sadists have to suffer being hit in all sorts of places?  Unfair!  waaaa  With the hood on I didn’t know where the next blow would fall or with what implement.  I then heard her retrieve the belt so I knew I was in for a painful stinging lashing, but she mixed it in with the other implements rather than spending time focusing on the belt as she sometimes does.

At one point I received a break from the impact as I heard her power on the neon wand.  I took some breaths (I have been practicing breathing deeply and regularly during torture and it helps me withstand the pain, since I almost never get any rush of endorphins) in relief that the type of pain would be changing, but the first zap I felt was painful on my sensitive inner thigh and then she zapped my balls which were not tucked too far under me for her to reach.  Damn that hurts!!  It was not super-tight bondage and I think I kicked her slightly in reaction, so she sat up on the bed and held my legs down with her legs as she continued her evil ways.  This is where I started begging for mercy.

It wasn’t a super long session because my Princess had more plans which involved sexual service.

Anywho, that morning I think that she had wanted to play as Catwoman in the Batman computer game we have been playing lately, but forgot that I was meeting someone for an online game that morning already.  So once I was done with my game she pounced!  As they say in the computer game, “Look out, it’s the cat!”

Last night she did something for the first time.  She guided me to stand next to her and she put her foot up on a chair in front of her.  My thoughts raced towards an over-the-knee spanking but that’s because my thoughts race towards BDSM a lot.  I had justification, though, because she seemed to be in her aggressive state (which I love the best out of her states!), and sure enough she grabbed the hair on the top of my head and bent me over her knee.  We had never been in that position before with her holding me over her knee while we were standing.  Is it any surprise to read that I enjoyed it a whole lot?

She spanked my behind with her hand somewhat hard, over and over and over and over.  I don’t know how it is for others but when I’m bent over I have a somewhat bony behind and I feared more for my Princess’ pain than my own.  The slaps were very loud but the pain was moderate at most.  On the other hand, if my Princess uses a hard paddle on my bent over behind I worry about the skin being so close to the bone that it might not be all that safe.

Yesterday my Princess was sewing something and as I passed by I noticed the she had removed the shoe from her foot which was pumping on the pedal.  I recently wrote an article of male submission about foot fetish which will be posted on The Submissive Guide in a few days, and while I listed a bunch of different activities and fetishes-within-the-fetish such as trampling, forced foot worship, and other activities, I forgot to mention about those who really enjoy seeing a foot on a car’s accelerator or brake pedal.  That’s not really my thing because if a foot is on a car’s pedal then it is far away from my face but I have seen a good number of pictures from those who enjoy the dynamic of a foot pumping on a pedal (on a car’s dashboard or dangling out of a car window are also popular themes).  As I passed by my Princess I got down on the floor and asked her to keep pumping, then I kissed her bare foot, letting her know about the pumping pedal foot fetish as I said “Woohoo!”

I am going to miss us playing that Batman game when we are done, which will be very soon since we are running out of torture victims to rescue (or to listen to for a minute before rescuing, I just love how the bad guys taunt the male victims “Oh are you going to cry like a baby?” and then how wimpy the victims sound when they do cry and yell; they sound like me!).  Our next game will be Tomb Raider with Lara Croft but this one has Lara as more of a victim trying to escape a lot of tough situations, rather than being in control as Batman and Catwoman are.  Hmmmm, maybe the Tomb Raider game will influence my Princess and soon she will let me be the Master??  Ha!!

Ha!!!!!!!

Apr 19, 2013 – Bioshock Infinite

This entry, as a first for me, is not much about BDSM at all (except the last paragraph).  And I don’t go into any spoilers about the game.

I play a lot of computer games, mostly story-based “western” role-playing games such as Bioware and D&D games (I used to play tabletop D&D in the 1970s), and I also play many of the big-ticket adventure or action games such as Assassin’s Creed and the latest Tomb Raider.  Pretty much my favorite game of all time is Bioshock (the first one) from mid-2007, that was like entering a whole new and weird world with plenty of immersion into its atmosphere, and the storyline still rolls around in my head from time to time.  Bioshock 2 was okay but nothing special, because it was created by a different developer.

Bioshock Infinite received about as much hype as most any other video game evarrr, which is fine from my standpoint, since the more popular this type of unusual and fun game is the more likely that others will be made which means more future fun for me.  I was looking forward to Bioshock Infinite and once it was released a week or two ago I stayed away from spoilers and reviews.

As I began playing it, something seemed sort of off.  I wasn’t enjoying it nearly as much as I expected, and not as much as other recent games I had been playing.  The game had the main character go from one location to the next in a very linear fashion instead of allowing “open world” freedom to go wherever I wanted, and the gameplay didn’t vary throughout the game.  But wait, that’s how Bioshock 1 was, a mostly linear story-based shooter.  What’s my problem?

The problem is that since 2007, big ticket computer games have advanced in the variety of gameplay, learning from other games as they go.  In games such as Call of Duty (which I only mildly enjoy), Assassin’s Creed, and Batman Arkham Asylum and Arkham City … interrupting myself for tangent time!

The two Batman Arkham games are great.  There is plenty of torture!  Almost throughout both games there is someone or a group of people in the game being tortured and the player as Batman needs to rescue them.  But of course I take my time rescuing them!  Also, in the first of the two games there are plenty of barefoot guys beating people up (another plus in my book!).

After I play a good game my Princess plays it as I watch and provide helpful advice.  The Batman games are particularly enjoyable because of the witty banter within the game as the torturers enjoy their work (and readers of this blog probably know by now that being tortured by a sadist having fun is my biggest BDSM kink), so while my Princess plays I just sit back and enjoy the show.  Often when someone is under the not-so-tender care of one of the game’s many sadists I say to my Princess “Please do that to me!”  It’s the one time I risk “topping from the bottom” lol.  On top of the issue of torture, though, the Batman Arkham games are great games regardless of that.

Anywho, in many big ticket games nowadays there is variety of gameplay:  shooting, stealth, climbing/jumping, driving, puzzles, etc.  That didn’t used to be the standard case over, say, 5 years ago although there were still games which combined two or three genres, but nowadays it’s much more common to have a variety of gameplay types within a game.  And I’ve become accustomed to it, spoiled even.

Bioshock Infinite is pretty much solely a shooter, though, with just some bit of I guess “driving” though that’s a loose interpretation of the rail system in the game.  Just as in Bioshock 1, Infinite has a whole lot of interesting and strange storyline twists but the gameplay is rather monotonous and in a linear environment.  The storyline and atmosphere are the stars of the show in my view.

As I was playing it, though, I think I missed out on much of the ambience.  I was so busy trying to accomplish the tasks in front of me and also to pick up loose loot within the game, that I didn’t stop and smell the flowers.  It’s not that I rushed through the game, but so much is happening all at once that I think I missed a lot of it.  Once it ended and I began reading internet commentary and reviews (and there is plenty of commentary considering the very strange and complex storyline and ending), I realized that there was much more to the game than what I had experienced.  I didn’t miss any of it but I guess I didn’t really focus on what I should have focused on which is the storyline.

I read one commentary that Infinite should have an auto-loot system so that we players aren’t spending literally hours just finding loot.  Finding loot is a somewhat fun part of games but it can be monotonous and in Infinite it did get very repetitive and not all that rewarding.  Auto-loot would have been great, in my view, because then I could have spent much more of my attention on everything else going on around me instead of finding the next crate of loot.

I think that when my Princess plays Infinite I might encourage her to just skip opening many of the containers of loot, in the hopes that she can enjoy the storyline and game atmosphere more.  I know that as I watch my Princess play Infinite I will pay much more attention to the storyline and atmosphere.  Also, even had I paid more attention to the storyline it still would have confused me just as much, it is very complex, and even after watching the long non-interactive ending I had to go onto the internet to gain an understanding of what just happened so I might try to provide bits of timely storyline information to my Princess as she plays it.

In the meantime, though, my Princess is still finishing up Batman Arkham City and she has a few more victims to save from Riddler’s torture.  Woohoo!!

Okay, I can’t help but write something about BDSM (no, computer game torture is not BDSM because the victims do not consent!).  My Princess and I were recently at a family get-together where I had to sit on a stone step for a couple of group photos to be taken.  When we go out, my Princess chooses what I wear (she did that even before D/s entered our lives) and the crème-colored pants I wore were a bit dirty from my sitting on the step so she started brushing off my behind.  Well, she couldn’t help herself and the brushing very quickly became a spanking and she said that it would take her some time to get the dirt off.  One of her relatives said “You two get a room!”  My Princess spanked me in public!!  Double-woohoo!!

Apr 8, 2013 — Compliments

Compliments are an interesting subject to me.  I am all for them, of course, and enjoy giving more than receiving because I enjoy making nice people feel good.  That is especially true of my Princess, and we both compliment and thank each other frequently.

Receiving a compliment is not always easy, though, and I think that can be particularly true for some subs.  It greatly depends upon the individual (as with everything!) but I get the impression that some subs are embarrassed at receiving a compliment when they are doing what they feel they should be doing.

In my career I learned in my 20s how to receive a compliment, which is to accept it in the spirit it was intended.  Unless it’s a backhanded or sarcastic compliment (I am lucky not to be around people like that, unless it’s just joking), compliments are usually to make the recipient feel good and/or to give the recipient feedback.

Where I sometimes stumble is in understanding the difference between the two.  I like receiving feedback so that I can know whether or not to adjust what I am doing.  For example, with no feedback I do not know whether or not I have been adding the right amount of instant flakes to my Princess’ morning coffee but she is very good at giving feedback so I infer that the amount is correct.  I only mention that as an example because she typically does provide me plenty of positive feedback, so it was difficult for me to find an example in which that is not the case.

To me the best compliment, though, is when it is not intended and when it is only a simple statement.  When that occurs, I am not confused about whether it’s being said to make me feel good or to provide feedback, it must be the latter since it was not intended as a compliment.

A few nights ago my Princess was being somewhat demanding, go get this, do that, get on the floor, etc., some of which was useful service and some of which was just exerting her authority over me.  That’s not unusual, she goes through flurries of being very demanding like that, reveling in her authority over me.

After a flurry of demands my Princess started laughing a bit.  I asked what was going on and she said, with some wonder in her voice pointing out a strange observation, something like “Most husbands hate when a wife is demanding or cruel, but you thrive on it!”

Yes!!!

Thrive is a good word.  I can’t say that being a henpecked husband is a primary kink for me, but I love the enjoyment she gets out of it and I admit that I enjoy it, and I thrive on it.  And even though the comment was just meant as an observation of how strange I am (meant in a loving way), I took it as a compliment because she enjoys it.

Something which is not a compliment is that damn belt whacking against the entire back of my body over and over.  Geez that hurts.  It feels so wrong when she uses the homemade yoke or spreader bar to affix my wrists in a spread T position, has me lie on the bed face down with my feet hanging over the edge, and just rips my flesh off with that belt.  There’s blood dripping all over the sheets and … no no, that’s a lie, it just feels like that, but there’s never any blood or even marks which last more than several minutes.  But it hurts!  I yell, and last night I was even screaming into the bed covers.

At one point she was just tapping on my behind with the belt, finally allowing me to catch my breath.  But she kept tapping the same spot and increasing the force, and that hurt just as much as the stronger force blows.  Fortunately, all of my squirming to try to get away from the blows, unsuccessfully, made her laugh so that gave me some rest from the rain of pain.  Lately, she has allowed my ankles free so that she can see my behind squirming and reacting with each whack.

The thing is, I am in pain pretty much with the first blow and so the yelling starts almost right away.  Last night’s scene lasted probably 10 minutes before my Princess stopped and released me from the restraints, but I felt like I had gone through hell.

And as a reminder, the more I whine/complain (as in the last several paragraphs) the more that means I enjoyed it.  Hurting bad = oh so good!

Mar 25, 2013 — BDSM fun

I have been thinking about this topic for many months, really shortly after I joined FetLife over a year ago.  Why is it so difficult to find someone to play with?  Is casual BDSM fun so unwanted?

That question may seem out of character to me because I do not play with anyone except my Princess, and ours is not only a play relationship, it is a forever loving relationship.

Another thing which may seem out of character for me is making gender generalizations (as I will later in this blog entry) because I just don’t usually do that.  And that’s why I have not really posted about this before, because I don’t like gender generalizations, but I was sort of prompted into it recently by some private messages with a male sub friend of mine.

I see many people post on FetLife how difficult it is to find someone compatible.  Many people on FetLife are looking for a long term loving relationship and I have always known that regardless of BDSM, it is very difficult to find a compatible long term relationship partner, or difficult for most people anyway.  And I am a big proponent of having a long term loving relationship.  It is even better than I, a hopeless romantic, had hoped for.  I can completely understand the difficulty many people have.

In the meantime of looking for a long term partner, why not have a whole lot of fun along the way?  If someone is not long term material, does that disqualify them from being fun for you to play with?  Do you feel bad for playing with someone who is not on your A list?

I am posting all of this from an outsider’s point of view, plus of course it’s just my own view which by the nature of opinion is biased.  I will never be in a situation of looking for a long term or any partner, and I am extremely lucky to have my Princess.  I am sitting here on my comfy couch spouting points of view which are safe for me because of my situation.

That said, from my comfy couch I say that had I never met my Princess I would think that I would be playing all over the place with whomever had similar BDSM interests to mine.  Not sex, because casual sex has never been appealing to me under any circumstances.  I am referring to BDSM consensual non-consent suffering (my particular favorite kink) without genital pleasuring (because personally I would have to know someone very well for that) — S&M and/or humiliation play.

A dominant woman acquaintance of mine commented on FetLife that she could not find any submissive masochistic males in her area.  She said she just wanted to beat on some man.  I was pleased that she had this attitude because it fit with what I have seen many sub guys post, and I was shocked that she could not find someone.  I think I asked her “You can’t find a sub guy to beat on, really?” and I encouraged her to just ask around FetLife and she would probably trip over dozens of guys in her area who would love for her to beat on them.  Then she clarified that she would need to get to know them as friends for a while before beating on him, and then she clarified further that they would need to be in their 20s and hawt.

Ok, there’s nothing wrong with having preferences but the premise of her complaint was very misleading to me.

It made me think, though.  I see many sub guys post how much they would enjoy casual play, some whipping, some bondage, some of this, some of that depending upon what they enjoy.  In many cases maybe casual sex, too, but in any case sub guys seem to be very open to casual play of lots of different types (depending upon the guy).  By contrast, I see almost no dominant women post about being open to casual play, except for Pro Dommes.  The non-pro dominant women I read on FetLife, which are many, mostly post about looking for a long term relationship, a good close friend to play with, or in some cases a service-only sub.  I know that there are some guys who enjoy being a service-only sub to someone they barely know, but not many from what I see.

Is the stereotype I have been interpreting for this past year on FetLife true, that many sub guys want to play (whether or not they also want a long term relationship) while dominant women do not?  Maybe I’m just sort of blind?

Now keep in mind that I am not complaining.  I read many posts from sub guys complaining about how difficult it is to find a dominant woman to play with.  I am not complaining because I am not personally affected by this either way — if no-one plays, that doesn’t change my relationship with my Princess one way or the other.

However, I do have empathy for most anyone who has deep desires with no reasonable way to fulfill them.  Probably because before I met my Princess I was in that situation, and probably also because I have empathy for others about this topic in general.  There goes I if not for the great luck I had in meeting my Princess.  It really hurts to have unfulfilled deep desires and I feel for the dominant women (and sub men) who are not able to find the long term relationship they want and the sub men who are not able to find the play they want.

Someone recently made a comment that not finding someone to play with leads to boredom.  “No big deal” was my interpretation of her comment.  Well, it is a very big deal for some people and an off-hand comment like that is rather insensitive in my view.  That comment even made me stop reading FetLife altogether (gasp!!) for a few days.  Yeah I’m over-sensitive lol.

So what am I saying?  That dominant women should start playing casually more often?  No, of course not.  People should do what they want to do without pressure.  All I am saying is that I find it quite sad to see so many people not able to find what they are looking for.  It isn’t boredom that many of them feel, it’s lack of fulfillment.  And it makes me sad to see that.

I am also saying that I find it strange that dominant women apparently don’t enjoy casual play.  Strange doesn’t mean wrong, of course.  Everyone has their own valid preferences and they must make their own decisions.  If casual play isn’t fun then it isn’t fun.

Another thing which makes me sad is seeing sub guys post complaints about how difficult it is to find a dominant woman to play with, and then to be lambasted by dominant women who make him out to be a baby whiner whether or not he is whining at all.  It is as if sub guys are not allowed to complain, and instead of compassion are given a verbal beating (not the fun kind).  Now some sub guys are not appropriate in the way they approach the subject and for a group moderator to step in and point out rules being violated is of course fine.  But some sub guys are sincere and polite at first, and yet are practically run out of town on some FetLife groups.

Is it so tough to show some compassion?

The answer is, from what I have seen, that if the sub guy reacts to the many get-over-it-you-whiner comments with a high amount of grace in his responses — something which is somewhat rare since a large number of the sub guys who get ragged on from their initial post react to that with inappropriate hostility, which I do not advocate at all — then they do receive compassion and help.  It’s rare but I have seen threads in which there is no hostility directed at a sub guy who initially complains about not being able to find what he is looking for, and the thread becomes a huge positive for everyone involved.  Yeah I’m polyanna for wanting whips and rainbows in all posts, but I am what I am.

This post may be more appropriate for a FetLife group discussion (if I were to summarize it with a few questions), but I would rather not be lambasted myself so I’ll just post it here to get it off my chest.  And maybe provide one outsider’s perspective for those who may be reading this.

Anywho, I have rambled on enough about some of the less-than-optimal aspects of FetLife and also about gender generalizations.  FetLife is a great site in my view for bringing people together, even if only to complain about how difficult it is for most everyone to find someone compatible lol, but also to learn about the lifestyle.  Had I not encountered FetLife over a year ago, I am somewhat certain that I would not be a sub or slave to my Princess now and we would have remained mostly vanilla, because FetLife and other sites helped rekindle my desire for submission and that sparked conversations and one thing led to another, and here I am obeying her 24/7.

Mar 18, 2013 – Power

A recent post on FetLife asked about alcohol and BDSM.  I do not drink alcohol (I never acquired the taste) and my Princess rarely drinks alcohol, but she does apparently get drunk on power.  For example, yesterday I am not proud to say that I had to serve corner time five times, not proud because it’s rather humiliating to have to just stand in the corner while my Princess sits in the comfy couch and basks in her authority.  If I had to tell this to someone face-to-face, even someone kinky, I am sure that my face would be a bit red and my eyes cast somewhat downward.

In the morning my Princess walked into the room where I was typing at my PC and she said “Go stand in the corner.”  I tried to keep the whine out of my voice, unsuccessfully this time, in asking what I did wrong but she said that it was for no reason, she just wanted me to be there.  That stops my whining because I can’t provide my usual litany of excuses “But I was tired which is why I forgot” “I was focusing on the other tasks you gave me” or whatever other whine, so I just shut up and obeyed.  Ok in this blog I portray myself as a big whiner but … hmmm, my Princess would probably agree with that assessment.  But we both know it’s in good fun, if I had something truly bothering me (which is rare) then we would talk about it.

I am also not proud to say that for the entire 10 or so minutes that I stood in the corner, I had a physical reaction (i.e. I was hard).  And this was despite her allowing me 3 hours earlier to end a week of chastity, so a physical reaction would not have happened easily for me.  Once my corner time was over I tried to hide my reaction and just sit back down at my PC but it’s difficult to hide without wearing any clothing, so I received her mocking laughter at how much of a humiliation slut I am.  It was just corner time but I can’t help the reactions I have!  It’s not my fault!!

I guess that amused my Princess so she had me serve corner time 4 more times during the day.  I felt like stamping my feet and whining but I didn’t.  The last of the 5 corner time sentences that day was only for 30 seconds as my Princess wanted me to rub her feet, so I was let off easy that time.  And then that evening, I think for the first time in our over 15 year marriage, my “chastity” ended again the same day.

Which brings me to what I really wanted to blog about today.  After reading a recent blog entry of mine where my Princess saw that of the “three S’s in submission” I listed Suffering, then Servicing (sexual and sensual service), and then Service, she asked me a great question.  Her question was something like “Do you enjoy suffering more than you enjoy sex?”

I am very glad that she asked that.  It allowed me to clarify my feelings instead of going by the misleading comments on my blog.

My comments were about BDSM, not about sex or sexuality.  I love having sex with my Princess for the love we share and for the physical and emotional joy for both of us.  I also enjoy BDSM type suffering for the same reasons, although it’s a different type of sharing.  I enjoy sex with my Princess more than I enjoy BDSM (and y’all know how much I enjoy BDSM!).  When I am referring to sex within the context of my discussions about BDSM, I am only referring to the submission aspect of it and not the entire experience of having sex, that is why I listed suffering as my primary kink within BDSM.

Anywho, I have started to write a fictional story about a F/m foot fetish.  I don’t know why it has taken me so long, maybe because I intimately experience my Princess’ feet in real life every day (woohoo!!!!) so a purely fantasy story about the subject wasn’t popping into my mind.  But reading on FetLife about “foot parties” in which guys pay women so the guys can worship the women’s feet inspired me to come up with a love story related to that, of sorts.  Of course, the dominant woman protagonist will be making her sub guy more of a slave and pain-boy than the man was hoping for because I had to get a good amount of suffering in there, didn’t I?  I just can’t help myself lol.

Mar 13, 2013 — Theory of submissive service

In a discussion on FetLife someone posted a Theory of Submissive Service and I found a link to what was quoted:  http://bdsmprotocol.wikia.com/wiki/Theory_of_Submissive_Service.

This Theory initially sort of rubbed me the wrong way, surprisingly.  I know that there are some subs who truly do experience joy “to demonstrate, through your attitude and demeanor, that the Dominant’s needs come first.”  And I experience joy with this myself but the focus of this Theory still rubbed me the wrong way at first.

In thinking further on this, I believe that the reason it rubbed me the wrong way is due to how my submission works.  Everyone’s submission works differently and this Theory implies through its wording that this is the way submission should work for everyone.  I am not a proponent of the “one twue way.”  Beyond that, though, my submission is a combination of factors and does not really fit this Theory:

1) My biggest kinky joy by far, and what I have fantasized about for decades, is being “forced” (“dominated”) to endure BDSM-type suffering (pain, humiliation, and/or servitude).  With the application of this force or domination, I could possibly be made into the type of submissive described in this Theory, or possibly not.  Not a tit-for-tat situation but a sort of being forced into it.

This Theory bypasses that step altogether, though, or at least that’s how I read it.  I read it that a submissive should submit due to a need or desire to submit, the joy is in the submission itself without any need for the enduring of suffering.  That’s great for those who are fulfilled by that, and I know that many subs are fulfilled by that, but that’s not me or at least not for my #1.

2) I also get joy from submitting to my Princess because I love her deeply and enjoy giving her joy.  I don’t know how to classify this, whether it’s just being a loving husband, being a D/s submissive, or somewhere in between, and I am learning that it doesn’t matter how I classify it because it is what it is.  That said, it is not only being a loving husband, I do get a kinky kick out of being her obedient non-suffering slave although it is not my primary fantasy.  And where I get an even bigger kinky kick is being her sexual slave, something I had not even thought about ahead of time but now that it is reality it’s great.

So maybe I should interpret this Theory of Submissive Service as having for me (not for everyone, of course) a first section not covered, something like “A submissive who is beaten down and tortured, humiliated, and forced (conditioned?) to obey….”

Damn but that’s high maintenance and I think that’s what bothers me.  I would love to be someone who gets pure joy and BDSM fulfillment from service alone, but that’s just not the case, and I think that’s why this Theory rubbed me the wrong way because it’s something cool but something which I could never even really aspire to realistically (unless we add my section about suffering onto it).

In other words, reading this Theory makes me feel insufficient or deficient as a slave.

I don’t want to be high maintenance, and much stronger than that I don’t want to be a burden to my Princess.  That is why I am so so lucky that my Princess does enjoy making me endure BDSM-type suffering, as most anyone who reads my blog can see from prior entries.  So any deficiency I might feel at not being up to the standards of this Theory, and not even being able to get up to those standards, are washed away by the fact that it doesn’t matter.

What matters is that for me to be the sub or slave that I and my Princess want me to be.  I still have a ways to go to get there, it’s a marathon and not a sprint.

I also believe that this Theory sort of triggered in me a realization that there seems to be a difference in what many dominant women want and what many submissive men want.  I frequently see dominant women comment on FetLife about how difficult it is to find a “truly” submissive man, and the women go on to discuss how sometimes men say they will submit but it only occurs for a short time, not at all in reality, or just for certain activities.  I wonder how many of those man were hoping for a much heavier hand of dominance and suffering and then their submissive desires fizzled when they were expected to simply obey without much of any suffering?

“Grovel on the floor!” “Yes Mistress!!” “Feel my whip!” “Yes Mistress!!!!” “Clean my bathroom” “Uh, what?”

I am only talking out of my hat here, because I know that many sub guys do not want any suffering at all.  By the way, here is a blog entry about my three Ss of submission:  http://www.assdisc.com/blog/?p=115.  Suffering is the top of my list personally, then Servicing (sexual and sensual service), followed by Service (non-sensual service).  No surprises about me there, right?

I have also read that many dominant women don’t want a high maintenance sub.  High maintenance (along with everything else) is in the eye of the beholder so for just this particular issue I guess as long as a dominant woman enjoys perpetrating some suffering and a sub guy enjoys suffering, then it’s a matter of matching or compromising the two levels of needs and desires.

One thing which is unwanted for me, but I think might be okay for many sub guys, is for a dominant to perpetrate suffering just to satiate the desires of the sub, even if it’s BDSM-type suffering.  I have read comments by a published dominant woman author  that she gives fetish fulfillment (including whipping) to her sub man as a gift.  For me that really really defeats the purpose and fulfillment which is to suffer due to a dominant’s sadistic enjoyment.  Fortunately for me, my Princess is sadistic and enjoys making me suffer as can be seen in my blog entries.  She recently told me that she really enjoyed Catwoman as a kid, and enjoyed the idea of using a whip.  Lucky lucky me!

So what do those who are discussing with a new partner negotiate for this?  “I would like you to make me endure a lot of BDSM-type suffering” “Hmmm, okay, I like a bit of that, I will try to make you endure as much as I can.”  That sort of discussion seems strange to me.  I guess it goes back to consensual non-consent, how does a sub ask to be treated “non-consensually”?  If they ask that and then it occurs, that to me wouldn’t feel non-consensual at all.  I think that the answer is time.  If it is discussed and then much later something occurs (whether or not it closely resembles what was discussed), it could feel non-consensual.  On a recent Masocast, Lee Harrington described negotiating consensual non-consent with someone and then I think it was 5 months later that it occured, completely without any forewarning but it did fall within consent because that consent was given 5 months earlier including the long term nature of it (presumably there was a safe word, or maybe not).

That said, I do not advocate not discussing issues.  Communication is very important to avoid misunderstandings and flat out incorrect assumptions.  People aren’t mind-readers!

One other thing I will say about that Theory of Submissive Service is that if I were a Master (don’t laugh!!), then I would probably want a submissive who would be able to find primary joy at my joy, without the need for “maintenance” although I’m sure I would slip in a whole lot of sadism into the equation (oops, did I type that out loud?).

Who wouldn’t want to have a partner who experiences joy at your joy?  Just ask people on the street, hey how would you like it if your partner decided to focus almost all of their attention on doing everything you enjoy?  I’ll bet the answer would be me me me me from most everyone.

Okay, I’m on a bit of a stretch here, but I really think that a huge number of even vanilla people would react very favorably to that, if their partner were sincere in that.  That said, when someone reveals their BDSM submissive desires to a vanilla partner, they often aren’t truly saying that they only want to focus on the joy of their partner, they are also saying that they have kinky desires about it, or even if they are not saying that it is natural in my view for a vanilla to hear that at least at first.  So the reality is a lot more complicated than my hypothetical fantasy ideal of a partner truly wanting to focus making their partner’s life better through servitude.  And the reality is that it can be quite jarring for a vanilla to learn that their partner has kinky desires, depending upon the person (and the desires).

Maybe if a sub really did feel that they aspired to what is listed in the Theory of Submissive Service it would be a nice statement to give to their dominant, sort of like giving a holiday card, as long as it is sincere.