…so how can I ask my Princess for something?
I’ll back up a bit to explain my question. A few days ago on July 1st I posted a blog entry about my most unfortunate shortcoming and this is a continuation of that. I recommend reading that entry before reading this one.
On FetLife I frequently see comments, mostly from dominant women, that subs need to speak up and state their desires. I frequently see statements to the effect of “How can I make an informed decision as the dominant without information on what he prefers? I am not a mind-reader.” I agree with the approach of open communication. If people in a relationship can express their thoughts and desires with each other in an open manner, that is great and extremely helpful to everyone.
However, how can I muster up the whatever to ask my Princess for something knowing what she has to put up with (i.e. my shortcomings)? How can I say “I would really like XXX” when I believe that XXX is not something she is particularly interested in (maybe yes a bit or maybe not at all) and when I can’t reciprocate by enjoying something she particularly enjoys? The answers are that I really can’t. “I want you to do this for me but I can’t do that for you” = not a dynamic I or most anyone would enjoy, I think.
Mountain out of a molehill? I don’t think so. It’s not a small issue nor is it short-term. Throughout my entire life I have avoided asking people I care about for anything, I would rather just do it myself or do without. I still strive to get what I want through discussion and if things work out my way then I’m good with that, even if it’s the other person going out of their way for me. The thing is, it’s usually on their own initiative so that I can feel comfortable that they want to do it and it wasn’t from pressure by me. I do not want to be a burden on people I care about, even for just one issue.
Early in our marriage I quickly became much more comfortable stating my preferences to my Princess, because she has helped me feel comfortable. I don’t like asking for things but I have learned in many situations how to state my preferences without making it seem like a request, or if it is just a thinly-veiled request I am okay with that if it’s something which I feel comfortable will not be a big issue. Just to take a minor example, I have no problem expressing my preference on a restaurant we go to, if I have a preference, because I know that it almost never causes disappointment in her since if she wants to go somewhere then I am good with that. We resolve disagreements extremely well so I do not go out of my way to steer away from those.
In my career I have no problem whatsoever asking for things, and I’m even sort of a “bulldog” in making sure that I obtain from others what I believe my customers need. It has taken me some time to get this way and I am glad for it. What makes this issue in my career different is that I put the job at hand ahead of my co-workers’ feelings (although my closer co-workers see less of the bulldog in me than those from other departments see) so if I am a burden to a co-worker then too bad because I have a job to complete. I’m always very polite but my point is that due to not particularly caring about the feelings of my co-workers I can feel free to risk hurting their feelings by asking them to do things they may not want to do, if I feel it is part of their job. I am a burden to my co-workers from time to time and I am fine with that. By contrast, for people I care about such as friends and especially my Princess, stating my preferences can be tough if it potentially calls upon them to do any work.
I actually do not have preferences on a lot of things (which do not involve me doing work or which cost a lot of money, since I do have preferences about those types of issues) and that works out great because my Princess has her own preferences on many of the things I don’t care much about, so she gets her way and I am glad for that because I otherwise do not have much of a preference at all. But I do have preferences on some things and my Princess and I are great at working it out on the rare times we disagree on a preference. I am very thankful for that as well as pretty much all other aspects of our marriage. I am very lucky. And that’s not what this blog entry is about anyway.
What I mean to address is that it is difficult for many subs to express their preferences to their dominant, and in my case it is just difficult for me regardless of D/s because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, especially to my Princess. Or, stated more precisely, I don’t want to be more of a burden to her.
Reality check states that I am not overall a burden (in other words, I am worth the burden) and she assures me of that whenever I bring it up (including, I’m sure, once she reads this blog entry later today), but still it is difficult to overcome a lifetime of not stating my preferences, especially when stating those preferences might not lead to a good situation.
As usual with difficult subjects, I’m being somewhat vague and most of the above might not make much sense. However, I think I am not alone in not wanting to ask for things because I don’t want to be a burden.
From a BDSM standpoint this meshes well with my not wanting to drive the bus, and I think that is working well for my Princess and me. If I state a preference within BDSM and then that occurs just as I stated it, then I would feel like I’m driving the bus and would be contrary to my consensual non-consent kink, not to mention the “burden” issue above, so I just don’t state preferences. And if somehow I were to break my “burden mentality” and state I want XXX, YYY, and ZZZ, that’s not a good dynamic to me anyway because of the consensual non-consent issue.
So what do I want? I want a pony, and bubble-gum, and a hot wheels set, and a castle, and … oops age play.