Jul 1, 2013 – Closed-minded

I am closed-minded in what I enjoy.  This is in my view by far my biggest shortcoming.  Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to enjoy most everything?  Well, I’m pretty much on the opposite end of that spectrum.  There are very few activities which I enjoy … except within the realm of BDSM which to me almost all seems great almost no matter the activity (more on that later).

This shortcoming of mine is a very difficult thing to deal with.  It’s like having to find just the right rattle to give to a baby, they cry unless they have just the right one.  Maybe the baby doesn’t cry right away and can be okay for a while but at some point waaaah.

Unfortunately, that analogy is not that far off.  I don’t cry but I don’t have much tolerance for when I am in stuck in situations I don’t enjoy.

Okay, no-one enjoys being in un-enjoyable situations (that’s a tautology), so I’m not a unique flower.  But being limited in the quantity of activities I enjoy really puts me behind the 8 ball, so to speak.  And this is nothing new for me, it has been all of my life.

I am not proud of this.  In fact, it’s one of the things about myself that I don’t like.  It sucks.  And when I try to go outside of my comfort zone to try to help change my ways it sucks further because I don’t usually react well, getting grumpy sometimes for days if the event was a very bad one.  Like a spoiled baby.  As stated in the Monty Python episode, “Albatross!”

Which is why when I found FetLife and other sites, I was surprised that a large majority of what I see seems like a lot of fun, even if it is not something I have fantasized about.  That looks like fun, ooh look at that, that’s scary but seems like fun!  Finally, something which seems enjoyable in pretty much its entirety.

One of the most alluring parts of FetLife for the first few months was the advertisements.  I used to click on the ads frequently, and it would stoke my sub frenzy like a puppy in a new playground.  I would insert those toys from the advertisements into the fictional stories I was writing, to help me explore how those toys could be used in the consensual non-consent “forced” ways I enjoy, not to mention how the toys would appear in my daydream-like fantasies.

To clarify, I don’t actually enjoy many BDSM activities on their own, without the “forced” or at least a D/s element.  There are some BDSM activities I probably would enjoy in a top/bottom dynamic even without D/s but probably not all that many, so for that I would probably be somewhat close-minded (or picky is a better word in this case).  But when it’s D/s and/or being “forced,” woohoo almost anything goes!!!

So what about being “forced” to do other non-BDSM-related things I do not enjoy?  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for me.  I feel no D/s dynamic from it.  I might still be glad that I did it depending upon other dynamics present (especially if it is about pleasing my Princess because I do enjoy that), and I might even enjoy the activity overall from that standpoint depending upon the details, but alas being “forced” to do it doesn’t bring any D/s into it for me.  To clarify, my Princess and I do a lot for each other and that is not what this blog post is about, the post is just about my own feelings of this issue as it relates to D/s.

Anywho, that is why in the past year when in the context of submission on FetLife and other sites (including my blog) I say things like “I enjoy pretty much whatever my Princess does to me or has me do,” I now say instead “I enjoy pretty much whatever BDSM-type activity my Princess does to me or has me do.”  Ugh, I hate that I can’t just say the first version of that but the truth is very important to me and it is what it is.

I probably have more to say about this difficult subject in a follow-up blog post, but I’ll let that wait for now.

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