Sep 12, 2012 – Pain is calming

Late yesterday afternoon my wife restrained me to the bed spread-eagled face down and cropped, whacked, and zapped me for a while.  No, this is not a blog about people who complain about their spouses lol.

Strangely, in the evening my body felt a noticeable calm.  It wasn’t just that I felt as though I had gone through an enjoyable experience (which is always true after a session), my body physically felt more relaxed as if there was something different about the air itself.  There wasn’t anything particularly different about the scene compared to other scenes.

I believe that the only difference is that due to my wife being out of town for more than 2 weeks, I had been through “S&M Chastity” or denial altogether actually.  Emotionally I was fine because I knew that my abstinence (and not only from S&M fyi) was for a good cause in that my wife needed to be out of town.  Physically I was fine.

I am guessing that others go through something like this as I have read on FetLife about therapeutic effects of pain but it was a first time for me to feel physically relaxed like that.  Tired yes, a bit euphoric yes, increased sense of submission yes, but not physically relaxed like that.  I have never been drunk or high, other than on endorphins as I have commented about a couple of times on this blog, but it felt quite mellowing almost like I would suppose a drug would feel except that my mind did not appear to be affected at all.  It seemed purely a physical issue.

The night my wife returned home from being out of town she had me lie on the bed as she started paddling me.  But without restraints I am a wimp and can’t remain still.  I guess I shouldn’t say “can’t” but I rolled around to get out of the way despite not wanting it to stop at all.  Maybe I should work on that lol.

Then later that night, after my 16 day chastity was ended (thankfully!), my wife had me get on the floor and worship her feet as she dangled them off the bed.  After all, she had gone over 2 weeks without anyone to worship her or serve (or service) her in any way.  Except that it was just minutes after my chastity ended (!).  I hadn’t really thought of it before but never in our marriage had I worshipped her feet immediately after sex.  So of course there was no physical arousal and it felt strange because emotionally I was very aroused.  It was enjoyable but it felt unusual not to be physically aroused at all.

My wife’s reaction was one of clear enjoyment, though.  I don’t blog much about my fetish for my wife’s feet but she has long since convinced me just through her natural reactions (not to mention our discussions) that she loves having me at her feet and now that I am her sub she has me there a whole lot, which is great.  And after over 2 weeks of no foot worship, she was very primed for the attention.

The rest of this blog entry is a book review.

I am reading Sexual Power For Women by Georgeann Cross.  Not knowing what it is really about other than something BDSM-related, I figured I’d begin it and see how it goes.  It is very interesting but not anything I would have ever expected.  The author indicates early on that she turns all of her lovers into her “love slaves” so that peaked my interest.  She is serially monogamous but I guess due to life circumstances has had many occasions to turn a man into her love slave.

She does this by choosing a guy who is somewhat shy and not overly aggressive and then dates in standard ways over the course of weeks, with vanilla sexual activity usually including intercourse.  Then after she feels comfortable she will set upon turning him into her love slave.

When I read the term slave I think of a lot of different possibilities, but her meaning is not one I would have dreamed up even in my fantasy-generating mind.  She likes to tie her man face up spread-eagled to the bed, playfully make him embarrassed about his arousal and/or how she is the one in control (without ever being menacing) so that he has some embarrassment about the situation but can’t really stop himself due to being tied up and enjoying it anyway, and then she gives him a very enjoyable hand job.

Okay, so she is into tease and denial, right?  No, she never denies.  The hand job goes to completion.  So where’s the BDSM?  Is it just that she likes to tie people up?  Many otherwise vanilla people do that.

She doesn’t just complete the hand job, she maximizes the amount of embarrassment the guy feels through teasing, especially at strategic moments.  In her experience and the experience of her friends to whom she has taught her techniques, the man is embarrassed about his inability to resist succumbing to the hand job, embarrassed about how she makes playful comments about how little control he has, embarrassed about how the stuff just goes everywhere, and here is the big one … the man is turned on greatly by all of this embarrassment.  And the man’s embarrassment increases due to being turned on by his embarrassment.

The author calls this phenomenon “The Loop” as the embarrassment increases his desire and his desire and lack of control increases his embarrassment.

Due to The Loop the guy agrees to be her love slave.  She truthfully tells him that she would not want to continue the relationship unless he agrees to be her love slave.  Manipulation?  Yep.  Okay to do that sort of thing?  In her eyes yes, it’s up to the reader to decide.

So now that the guy has promised to be her love slave, she ties him up and whips him, right?  She makes him do all of the house chores, makes him give her all of his money, and makes him satisfy her sexually whenever she wants, right?

Only the last one of those is right.  She gets as much pleasure as she wants.  However, she makes sure that the guy gets a huge amount of pleasure also (usually while tied to the bed face up spread-eagled) and is not mean or stereotypically dominant at all.  She does not enjoy or do any of that other stuff.  In her approach the man’s pleasure is extremely important because she wants a fully willing slave, not one who only agrees to it without meaning it.  I have only completed half of the book but so far she has not mentioned trying to find an actually BDSM submissive guy, maybe she doesn’t want that because she doesn’t enjoy whipping or any of those other BDSM activities other than playing with a guy’s embarrassment and anatomy.

It may seem as though I have spoiled the book so you wouldn’t want to read it but actually it is a very detailed book in which the author not only goes into detail about meeting some of the men she has loved and applying The Loop (very graphic anatomical detail!), but also the book gives specific advice in detail.  It’s sort of a how-to for making a man a love slave, using her definition of the term.  Also, I have just summarized these issues and have not really gone into the sort of detail needed to fill in the gaps.  Maybe it seems very implausible because I haven’t covered particular aspects of it.

I don’t expect to learn anything from it because, after all, I’m a sub and won’t be applying these techniques ever but it is a very interesting book and I am enjoying reading it.

7 thoughts on “Sep 12, 2012 – Pain is calming

  1. I agree about the calming effects of pain. There are times pain is such a strong need I feel I will go crazy. I need it just to calm all my thoughts and get all my ducks in a row (thats what I call it). Moments like these, a good whipping is spiritual to me.

    About the book, does she deny being kinky? Not to label her, but she sounds like she wants kink in the bedroom and the Loop is her technique. Not having read the book (and probably won’t) I was just wondering your opinion.

    • bonimiss, the author feels that she is quite kinky and frequently uses the word dominatrix to describe herself, although she recognizes that she is not stereotypical which she states as wearing leather and a whip. She can enjoy vanilla sex but would never have a relationship without what she calls female domination. The way my mind works I initially jumped to the conclusion that she meant not just in the bedroom.

      I am still wondering if she means domination in only the bedroom. I still have 1/4 remaining to read of it and some of her detailed examples of the progression in friends’ relationships talk about getting him to lose weight or kick a habit. The stories about her friends’ or her own relationships are very interesting.

      • Hi Ted. I know you wrote this a few years ago, but I read this book too. I suppose your question was rhetorical, but yes, the author was a bit manipulative to her boyfriends. However, she pretty much told them what she wanted fairly early in the relationship, so that’s probably okay. The stories she related of her friends and acquaintances were a little shady though. Assuming she wrote it truthfully, it’s a little beyond the pale for a vanilla married couple to switch to that. ( I mean, kick a habit, lose weight, etc.) Especially since it was portrayed as the wife saying “From now on, this is how it will be, or else.” Real life marriages don’t work like that. If the stories were true, I’m sure there was plenty of communication and negotiation that went into it. I don’t blame Ms. Cross for leaving that part out. It would kind of ruin the erotic aspect of the book. Nicely written blog, by the way!

  2. OMG, I go away to Ireland for a week and come back to find Ted_subby reading a book? I think I\\’ve had too much Business, or must\\’ve spent too much time dancing naked on a fairie mound under a full moon, but either way, I feel like I\\’ve come home to an alternate universe… Oh, wait… its a book about BDSM, silly me!

    Yes, I do feel that what She does is BDSM, even if it is a \\’gentler\\’ form. Then again, humiliation can be a lot more painful than a whipping, even if its a total turn-on, which is humiliating in itself (as you mentioned). Actually, for me anyway, humiliation is a subject I tend to discuss much less openly than physical beatings, its that painful most of the time. And yet – Hubba, hubba!

    • Lol Selkie, I admit that I write a lot more than I read but I do read sometimes … well, okay, I read about BDSM and not much else.

      Humiliation is a lot tougher to write about. It could come across as silly, I guess (?) because what is humiliating to one person might be tame to another or might be a deal-breaker to someone else.

  3. Dominant though I may be, I’ve learned that I do have a bit of a masochist in me, and pain is something that I need sometimes. I do feel better, calmer, more centered afterwards, like whatever my stress is, whatever was bothering me, was released during the process of being hurt. Well, that and pain is a turn-on for me, and something I now ask for, although I think I still fall under “light pain play” vs extremes (I’ll never asked to be whipped, for example).

    What I’m basically trying to say is that I think pain can be cathartic, and it’s not always a submissive thing, although for you it obviously is, which makes it even better for you.

    • Femi, thank you very much for commenting on my blog. I always enjoy your posts on FetLife and I enjoy your blog.

      Interesting about being a dominant who enjoys pain to some degree, I have seen that from others also. I guess one way or the other it can be a temporary pleasurable escape from from the everyday world.

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