Jul 23, 2013 – A public beating

A bit over a week ago I spent literally several minutes on my hands and knees staring just 1 foot away at the leather shoes on the feet of a man in our house.  Ok, I’m a tease, I did spend several minutes on my hands and knees staring just 1 foot away at the leather shoes on the feet of a man in our house, but that was because he had accidentally spilled his drink on the floor and I was wiping it up.  My mind might have had other thoughts at the moment beyond the spill and I admit that my eyes never left his shoes as I was on my hands and knees, hmmm maybe he spilled on accident and was trying to humiliate me.  Some of the drink spilled on his shoes and I had to stop myself from wiping off his shoes, even though I wanted to.

Anywhip, on a separate subject, my Princess surprised me with a public beating.

Several days ago I broke a plastic coat hanger as it snapped while I was hanging up a shirt.  It wasn’t my fault!  Afterwards, I left the broken hangar on my Princess’ dresser so that she would see it because I do not hide my transgressions … er, the accidents which occur through no fault of mine.

A couple of days later, while a few members of my Princess’ side of the family were in our house visiting, I was sitting in the back room (the one with my PC) minding my own business when my Princess burst into the room, with quite aggressive body language and wielding the broken coat hanger in her hand in a threatening way.  Surely she wouldn’t do anything BDSM or D/s related while her family was around.  Wrong.  She raised her voice at me, berating me for breaking the coat hanger, holding it in the air to emphasize her point, and then she hit me in my bicep with it.  It was not just a tap on the arm, it hurt!

I was flummoxed.  I figured that maybe she was trying to get in some stealth beating but there was no stealth about it as she was loudly berating me while whacking me over and over in the bicep, as her family was out of site but right in the other room with no intervening door.

I tried to keep quiet, thinking that we should not be open to her vanilla family, but it hurt like heck and I couldn’t help but go ow!! a few times.  And more importantly, I tried hard not to move much because I didn’t want that plastic coat hanger hitting me on a bone such as my elbow or in my face.  After maybe a dozen painful whacks she stopped and went back out to tell her family that I deserved the beating.  “He likes it anyway!”!!!!  And her sister said to her father “See, she’s the bossy one!”

WTF?!  As I was thinking about the incident later, I figure that her family must have thought that my Princess was hitting the couch and that her loving husband was just acting as if he was being beaten.  Their angel would never beat her husband.  Ha!  (And I am very glad that their angel has a devil inside her which she lets out on my hide!)

On FetLife last night someone posted a thread about how sub guys do not in general play at public play parties.  One of the reasons given is that guys do not want to appear weak in front of other guys so there would be a fear of yelling out in pain.  I have no idea of any of this, since I’m not in the BDSM community other than on FetLife, but I would think that appearing weak in front of others would be a draw for public play rather than a drawback for me.  In my mind at least, I enjoy the dynamic of appearing to be a wimp about BDSM-type pain, that would increase the humiliation.  I certainly can’t speak for others but I think it’d be fun.  The one time a year ago I went to a BDSM club most all of the subs/bottoms were stoic, and female, so I might disturb the library-like atmosphere there.

Then again, I usually do not mind appearing to be a wimp about pain, even when BDSM is not involved.  I admit freely to nurses that I sometimes feel like fainting when I see blood (especially my own) and when I had that tooth pulled without general anesthesia several months ago I had no problem seeming like a big baby in front of everyone there.

That makes me wonder about whether or not I would be able to enjoy BDSM blood play.  Each of us, my Princess and I, list this as a limit. I would worry about safety and cleanliness to begin with, because I don’t think it would be safe to just take a random safety pin or whatever lol.  Plus I would think that a top performing blood play would need to research to understand safe areas.  In other words, if my Princess came at me with the intent to make me bleed, I would probably safe word unless I had some confidence level in the safety.

But even apart from that, it makes me feel light-headed to think carefully about it and when I have blood drawn at a lab or doctor’s office.  So what would happen if the safety concerns were met and I was being “forced” (consensual non-consent, my primary BDSM kink) to be cut?  I dunno.  I guess I might faint, unfortunately.

Oh well, it’s not something I think about much (and my Princess doesn’t want it anyway) and when I see sadists talking on FetLife about hurting someone and making them bleed, I enjoy the dynamic (I enjoy any dynamic of BDSM sadists hurting someone consensually) but I realize that it’s probably not something I would want to experience.  It’s another case of fantasy vs desire which is a topic I wrote about in this article:

http://www.submissiveguide.com/2013/03/male-submission-fantasy-vs-reality/

Fantasizing is one thing but actually desiring to experience it is sometimes different.  I desire a whole lot of BDSM things I fantasize about, but there are a few things I do not desire in reality even though I fantasize.

Oh and speaking of which, in my most recent blog entry post at the end I may have given the incorrect impression that I want age play.  I was using an age play reference as a joke because I don’t desire or fantasize about age play (well, I don’t fantasize “much” about it, I fantasize about just about everything BDSM related) unless it was “forced” but I’m not sure how forced age play would even work.  I could see how forced animal play could work, such as putting someone (consensual non-consent) into pony gear and making the pony obey and I have read some hawt fictional stories about that, but I don’t know how forced age play could work.  I’m sure there’s a way, though, for devious minds to think of.  Now that I remember it, a few times my Princess has forced a pacifier in my mouth and laughed at me, and that was a long time ago before she was my dominant.

Luckily for me, though, she never did that in front of her family!

I encountered an interesting interview from 1982 of musical artist Kate Bush (at http://gaffa.org/reaching/i82_smi.html) who, by the way, was the inspiration for my Musical Artist fictional story (sorry Ms. Bush) as I had a major-league crush on her when I was in my 20s before I met my Princess.  Honestly, I think the way my “heart opened” for her helped me be open later for my Princess, as silly as it may seem to have an open heart for someone from afar like that.

Anywho, the interview on that site began “Kate Bush, you have beautiful toes. Bright and pink, they’re so nice when you curl them up. The sort of toes I want to put…” and then the topic changed completely at that point.

What on earth?!  Talk about inappropriate!  Or at least it seems that way to me, going beyond just complimenting someone.  Then again, my fictional story is not exactly appropriate so I shouldn’t talk.  You want to put, what, bells on them?  You want to put them in pictures?  No?  You want to put those toes in your mouth or elsewhere.

Of course, the other thing which struck me is the interviewer being so open about his foot fetish.  Except that now he makes having a foot fetish seem stereotypically creepy, as if all of us foot fetish guys are inappropriate like that which is very much untrue.  Oh well.

I don’t enjoy being shocked such as things jumping out at me, even as a sub/bottom/victim/whatever.  Today I got home from work before my Princess did and I had some sort of sub intuition or something.  As I was showering — a nice very warm luxurious shower to wash away the stress of work — I looked at the bathroom several times to see if it moved.  I don’t know if I sensed something was up but I can say that it is not paranoia if they really are out to get ya.  After all, this shower is where my Princess had peed on me, twice, so I had that disturbing memory on my mind.

Sure enough one time I looked at the door it had moved so I looked over the shower wall.  There she was so I said hello and she said with disappointment that she had wanted to surprise me “with this!” and she splashed cold water on me.  She’s such a bully. <3

Jul 4, 2013 – Asking for something

…so how can I ask my Princess for something?

I’ll back up a bit to explain my question.  A few days ago on July 1st I posted a blog entry about my most unfortunate shortcoming and this is a continuation of that.  I recommend reading that entry before reading this one.

On FetLife I frequently see comments, mostly from dominant women, that subs need to speak up and state their desires.  I frequently see statements to the effect of “How can I make an informed decision as the dominant without information on what he prefers?  I am not a mind-reader.”  I agree with the approach of open communication.  If people in a relationship can express their thoughts and desires with each other in an open manner, that is great and extremely helpful to everyone.

However, how can I muster up the whatever to ask my Princess for something knowing what she has to put up with (i.e. my shortcomings)?  How can I say “I would really like XXX” when I believe that XXX is not something she is particularly interested in (maybe yes a bit or maybe not at all) and when I can’t reciprocate by enjoying something she particularly enjoys?  The answers are that I really can’t.  “I want you to do this for me but I can’t do that for you” = not a dynamic I or most anyone would enjoy, I think.

Mountain out of a molehill?  I don’t think so.  It’s not a small issue nor is it short-term.  Throughout my entire life I have avoided asking people I care about for anything, I would rather just do it myself or do without.  I still strive to get what I want through discussion and if things work out my way then I’m good with that, even if it’s the other person going out of their way for me.  The thing is, it’s usually on their own initiative so that I can feel comfortable that they want to do it and it wasn’t from pressure by me.  I do not want to be a burden on people I care about, even for just one issue.

Early in our marriage I quickly became much more comfortable stating my preferences to my Princess, because she has helped me feel comfortable.  I don’t like asking for things but I have learned in many situations how to state my preferences without making it seem like a request, or if it is just a thinly-veiled request I am okay with that if it’s something which I feel comfortable will not be a big issue.  Just to take a minor example, I have no problem expressing my preference on a restaurant we go to, if I have a preference, because I know that it almost never causes disappointment in her since if she wants to go somewhere then I am good with that.  We resolve disagreements extremely well so I do not go out of my way to steer away from those.

In my career I have no problem whatsoever asking for things, and I’m even sort of a “bulldog” in making sure that I obtain from others what I believe my customers need.  It has taken me some time to get this way and I am glad for it.  What makes this issue in my career different is that I put the job at hand ahead of my co-workers’ feelings (although my closer co-workers see less of the bulldog in me than those from other departments see) so if I am a burden to a co-worker then too bad because I have a job to complete.  I’m always very polite but my point is that due to not particularly caring about the feelings of my co-workers I can feel free to risk hurting their feelings by asking them to do things they may not want to do, if I feel it is part of their job.  I am a burden to my co-workers from time to time and I am fine with that.  By contrast, for people I care about such as friends and especially my Princess, stating my preferences can be tough if it potentially calls upon them to do any work.

I actually do not have preferences on a lot of things (which do not involve me doing work or which cost a lot of money, since I do have preferences about those types of issues) and that works out great because my Princess has her own preferences on many of the things I don’t care much about, so she gets her way and I am glad for that because I otherwise do not have much of a preference at all.  But I do have preferences on some things and my Princess and I are great at working it out on the rare times we disagree on a preference.  I am very thankful for that as well as pretty much all other aspects of our marriage.  I am very lucky.  And that’s not what this blog entry is about anyway.

What I mean to address is that it is difficult for many subs to express their preferences to their dominant, and in my case it is just difficult for me regardless of D/s because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, especially to my Princess.  Or, stated more precisely, I don’t want to be more of a burden to her.

Reality check states that I am not overall a burden (in other words, I am worth the burden) and she assures me of that whenever I bring it up (including, I’m sure, once she reads this blog entry later today), but still it is difficult to overcome a lifetime of not stating my preferences, especially when stating those preferences might not lead to a good situation.

As usual with difficult subjects, I’m being somewhat vague and most of the above might not make much sense.  However, I think I am not alone in not wanting to ask for things because I don’t want to be a burden.

From a BDSM standpoint this meshes well with my not wanting to drive the bus, and I think that is working well for my Princess and me.  If I state a preference within BDSM and then that occurs just as I stated it, then I would feel like I’m driving the bus and would be contrary to my consensual non-consent kink, not to mention the “burden” issue above, so I just don’t state preferences.  And if somehow I were to break my “burden mentality” and state I want XXX, YYY, and ZZZ, that’s not a good dynamic to me anyway because of the consensual non-consent issue.

So what do I want?  I want a pony, and bubble-gum, and a hot wheels set, and a castle, and … oops age play.

Jul 1, 2013 – Closed-minded

I am closed-minded in what I enjoy.  This is in my view by far my biggest shortcoming.  Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to enjoy most everything?  Well, I’m pretty much on the opposite end of that spectrum.  There are very few activities which I enjoy … except within the realm of BDSM which to me almost all seems great almost no matter the activity (more on that later).

This shortcoming of mine is a very difficult thing to deal with.  It’s like having to find just the right rattle to give to a baby, they cry unless they have just the right one.  Maybe the baby doesn’t cry right away and can be okay for a while but at some point waaaah.

Unfortunately, that analogy is not that far off.  I don’t cry but I don’t have much tolerance for when I am in stuck in situations I don’t enjoy.

Okay, no-one enjoys being in un-enjoyable situations (that’s a tautology), so I’m not a unique flower.  But being limited in the quantity of activities I enjoy really puts me behind the 8 ball, so to speak.  And this is nothing new for me, it has been all of my life.

I am not proud of this.  In fact, it’s one of the things about myself that I don’t like.  It sucks.  And when I try to go outside of my comfort zone to try to help change my ways it sucks further because I don’t usually react well, getting grumpy sometimes for days if the event was a very bad one.  Like a spoiled baby.  As stated in the Monty Python episode, “Albatross!”

Which is why when I found FetLife and other sites, I was surprised that a large majority of what I see seems like a lot of fun, even if it is not something I have fantasized about.  That looks like fun, ooh look at that, that’s scary but seems like fun!  Finally, something which seems enjoyable in pretty much its entirety.

One of the most alluring parts of FetLife for the first few months was the advertisements.  I used to click on the ads frequently, and it would stoke my sub frenzy like a puppy in a new playground.  I would insert those toys from the advertisements into the fictional stories I was writing, to help me explore how those toys could be used in the consensual non-consent “forced” ways I enjoy, not to mention how the toys would appear in my daydream-like fantasies.

To clarify, I don’t actually enjoy many BDSM activities on their own, without the “forced” or at least a D/s element.  There are some BDSM activities I probably would enjoy in a top/bottom dynamic even without D/s but probably not all that many, so for that I would probably be somewhat close-minded (or picky is a better word in this case).  But when it’s D/s and/or being “forced,” woohoo almost anything goes!!!

So what about being “forced” to do other non-BDSM-related things I do not enjoy?  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for me.  I feel no D/s dynamic from it.  I might still be glad that I did it depending upon other dynamics present (especially if it is about pleasing my Princess because I do enjoy that), and I might even enjoy the activity overall from that standpoint depending upon the details, but alas being “forced” to do it doesn’t bring any D/s into it for me.  To clarify, my Princess and I do a lot for each other and that is not what this blog post is about, the post is just about my own feelings of this issue as it relates to D/s.

Anywho, that is why in the past year when in the context of submission on FetLife and other sites (including my blog) I say things like “I enjoy pretty much whatever my Princess does to me or has me do,” I now say instead “I enjoy pretty much whatever BDSM-type activity my Princess does to me or has me do.”  Ugh, I hate that I can’t just say the first version of that but the truth is very important to me and it is what it is.

I probably have more to say about this difficult subject in a follow-up blog post, but I’ll let that wait for now.