Jun 18, 2013 – Warmth

My Princess and I are very warm towards each other.  But that’s not what this blog entry is about.  There are references to other types of warmth below.

She was rather fiery yesterday when she indicated to me after I got home from work (and after she made me get on my belly to kiss her toes, which happens frequently) that she had something to tell me.  I was a bit worried about maybe bad news or it could be anything.  As we walked into our bedroom for me to get out of my work clothes my Princess told me to give her my belt.  I knew that the “news” would be bad indeed, or at least for me!

Several nights earlier just as I was almost out of my work clothes my Princess went behind a door to retrieve my belt which I had just hung up.  She turned her back to me so I quietly bolted out of the bedroom.  I can imagine the look on her face as with belt in hand she turned to see me gone.  Lol!  She was surprised and bellowed “Get back here!”

I’m not a bratty type at all but that was fun.  That belt hurts, though.  If anyone is thinking of starting out S&M with a belt, take it easy with that thing.  Damn but it feels good, though.  Oops, I digress.

So when last night my Princess said that she had something to tell me, it was her way of transitioning into a session of pain without giving me the opportunity to bolt.

The great philosopher and TV character from Babylon 5 J’Kar stated something like (from my memory) “The universe is comprised of moments of peace, moments of action, and moments of transition.”  I wonder how others transition into a BDSM session?  Is it something like this?  “Honey, do you feel like whipping me now or maybe later?” “Okay, yes that would be grand.”  Or maybe “Are you feeling up to taking a whipping now?” “Oh yes that’d be peachy!”  Well, those transitions wouldn’t work for me.  For me BDSM is as much about consensual non-consent as reasonably possible, and to treat it like most any other activity isn’t my type of dynamic.  That said, I certainly understand the necessity to negotiate a scene, being clear about limits and generally talking about the mindset, etc.  My Princess and I have had those discussions many times (plus she reads my blog!) and she knows that she has my consent anytime we are home, so the dynamic is all non-consent which is great because then I can run away, beg, and complain all I want without her thinking that there is any need or desire to actually stop.

Our moments of transition are that she either tells me to assume the position (whatever position she wants me in) or she just grabs me by the you-know-what and drags me to where she wants me.  In truth, I could safe word or just indicate if something is wrong, and believe it or not there have been two or three times in the 18 months or so since BDSM has re-entered our lives when a BDSM scene would just not be enjoyable (did I really type that?  did that really occur???), but that’s rare.

Anywho, later, after dinner, I grabbed a chocolate granola bar.  I try not to eat too big of a dinner just because that’s not healthy and then I fill in the corners sometimes with a granola bar.  But after that incident I blogged about within the past few weeks in which my Princess had simply told me to put the granola bar away and have cauliflower instead, I have been more hesitant. A few nights ago I did have a granola bar, the first since that incident, and I tried to be completely casual about it but my Princess bullied me anyway.  Bullying is what it felt like, she does it because she can.  As soon as she saw the granola bar a few nights ago she smiled sadistically and I tried to not make eye contact but I was doomed anyway.  She told me to give her the granola bar and I was fine with sharing it but that’s not what she had in mind.

She took the flat part of the granola bar and rubbed it a few times against the sole of her bare foot.  I would be perfectly fine with that, having a fetish for her feet, but her feet were dirty, not horribly, but definitely dirty.  I sighed and ate the granola bar anyway.

Last night I escaped almost unscathed probably because I begged her to allow me to have the granola bar instead of just assuming I could have it.  She told me to kiss each of her toes 10 times, a total of 100 kisses, and I was glad for that.  That was a damn good granola bar last night.  (I never thought I’d be blogging about eating a granola bar but oh well.)

Later in the evening we took our first walk around the neighborhood since my last blog entry.  As my Princess lay on the bed ready for my face to cool off her warm feet right after the walk, I ran into the kitchen to retrieve an ice pack from the freezer.  I knelt down at her feet and then pressed the ice pack against one side of my entire face for several seconds.  It hurt but it wasn’t too bad.  My Princess laughed because she knew that we have been joking with each other about dipping our hands in a bucket of ice for many years, and then she giggled when I pressed my ice-cooled face to the soles of her feet.  She told me that it felt good so I did it several more times, pressing the ice pack to my face then my face to her feet.  I also pressed the ice pack against my lips and then pressed my lips to her toes.

She enjoyed it but I think she likes even better the new somewhat standard foot service I provide which is to lick the soles of her warm feet and then blow on them to cool them off.  My Princess seems to like that a lot.  See, I am a service slave! lol

Then my Princess had me lie down on the bed as she grabbed the ice pack.  Oh sh..oot.  Damn this is going to hurt.  But she didn’t hurt me, she dabbed the ice pack on the soles of my very warm feet.  Except that it was too cold and didn’t feel all that good, it sort of hurt a bit but I loved the attention nonetheless.  The ice pack was getting a bit warmer and it was starting to feel good having her dab that against my feet but then she walked to the side of the bed and my fear level jumped.  She just couldn’t resist pressing the ice pack against the side of my body and in a few other sensitive areas.  I guess she doesn’t mind me yelling at the top of my lungs right into her face (see what my Princess has to put up with?!).

She was done and I said “Thank you, Princess” like a bullied victim afraid of more torture because that’s truly how I felt (gosh I love that feeling).  But inside I truly am thankful, even at those times when I’m yelling in pain.  Well, maybe not right at those times, but in between yelling I am thankful!

I type a lot of words to describe moments which go by quickly.  My Princess sometimes jokes with me after I have been yelling in pain “And you think you could take hours of this, ha!”  My only thoughts are to mimic Maxwell Smart who said to a torturer “I can stand the pain if you can stand the screaming.”  I always loved that line, one of my favorite evarrr.  Wait, if Max is screaming then he can’t stand the pain so his line is confusing!  Which makes it all the more fun.

I have learned that putting an ice pack against my lips and feet make my lips and feet feel very warm later once the coolness has worn off.

Later in the evening as we sat on the couch I teased her like I do sometimes by putting my very warm feet on her thigh, as if I am torturing her with a hot poker.  My Princess, not being submissive, reacts with mock anger and threats.  Except this time there were no threats, there were consequences.  She told me to stand up on the cool floor.  I thought she was joking, meaning that she didn’t want me to actually stand up to get away from what I was typing on my PC, so I didn’t stand at first.

Tangent:  is disobedience due to thinking that the command was a joke a legit excuse?  Hmmm, I guess now that I’m typing it out the answer is probably no.

She repeated her command and that was that, I stood up.  Then my warm and loving Princess very thoughtfully told me to stand barefoot over the air conditioning vent on the floor as that would cool my warm feet.  I was very thankful that she was thinking of my comfort level but I pointed out that it’s very cold and would hurt.  My Princess told me to stand over it anyway and to press my nose to the wall right next to the vent.  There was no joke in the command level of her voice.  She was going to have some more fun at my expense.

So I stood there naked and shivering in the cold from the vent and with my nose and head pressed against the wall as she watched TV and presumably cast a glance my way from time to time.  I stood like that for several minutes before being allowed to sit back down on the couch.  I kissed her feet and said “Thank you, Princess.”

A bit later as she was reaching for a pillow on the floor she bumped her hand into the thin hard stick which she has handy in the room where we spend most of our time.  I would call it a cane but it looks more like a stick.  It doesn’t hurt like hell when she whacks me with it but she usually does it rapid pace and then the pain level ramps up, or if she hits me hard enough it hurts right away.  Bumping into the stick gave her a quick idea so she picked it up and without warning started whacking my chest with it.  Whiiinnne.

Then she said the line of the night:  “You sure are whiney tonight!”

I was caught between wanting to cry and wanting to laugh.  I responded, only somewhat whiningly, “It’s because you’re being so mean to me!”

Jun 5, 2013 – Submission is a gift

I figured I would post a controversial title for this entry.  From time to time on FetLife I see a comment that one’s submission is a gift and I sometimes see comments that one’s dominance is a gift, with plenty of responses of agreement and disagreement.  It’s a touchy topic for some people.

A google search defines gift as “A thing given willingly to someone without payment.”  By that definition, one could easily see submission or dominance as a gift.  However, the word gift implies more than just that definition in my view.  It is not just something given but something which is for the purposes of the benefit of the receiver.  For example, one wouldn’t say “I gave him the gift of a punch in the arm” … well, unless he would enjoy that sort of thing lol.

I also add more to the definition.  I guess it’s a complicated word.  A gift is something which is not for the benefit of the sender.  For example, if spouse A wants a specific computer game and purchases one for spouse B who may also want that same game, then that does not seem like a gift to me, it is just a mutually enjoyable purchase.  The item can still qualify as being a gift if person A does not enjoy the item itself but enjoys giving the gift.  Giving a gift usually involves pleasure for the sender, but the pleasure for a sender in a gift is in the giving, not in the actual use of the gift.

I admit that it is a very fine line.  If partner A gives to partner B a recliner couch as a gift and partner B being more relaxed is of benefit to partner A, then that still qualifies as a gift even though partner A receives an indirect benefit.  There really is no hard and fast rule in my view.

So by my understanding of the word gift, person A gives something to person B which person A believes that person B would like and which is not something for the direct benefit of person A.  A fruitcake might also fit that definition, regardless of whether or not person B actually enjoys the fruitcake, as long as person A doesn’t eat and enjoy the fruitcake.

So are submission and dominance a gift?  I can only speak for myself, and I certainly hope not.  Yes I give my submission to my Princess and she gives her dominance to me, and yes it is partially for the benefit of the other, but it is for our own benefit also.  I don’t submit to my Princess only because it is what she wants, it is because I also want it.  If I didn’t want to be submissive but she wanted it, and because of that I became submissive, then that would be a gift.  That doesn’t apply here, though, because we both want it.  At the same time, my Princess dominates me because she wants to and because she knows that I also want it.  In other words, it’s a fully mutual thing and not a one-sided gift given from one to the other.

Admittedly, my definition of “gift” does not match others’ definition.  It’s just that using the word gift in the context of a D/s relationship does not seem to fit at all for me.

I could certainly see where “gift” could fit into a D/s dynamic for others.  If partner A is into D/s but really doesn’t like a particular activity while partner B very much enjoys it, then partner A may provide a “gift” to partner B in participating despite not liking it much.  This is a dynamic for D/s I do not like at all personally, but to each their own.  The reason that I do not like that dynamic for D/s personally is that I like most everything BDSM-related which my Princess does to me or has me do, except for limits.  So if she wants to do an activity then go for it, as long as it isn’t past one of the limits we agree on.  The only things I could gift to her as a submissive – the only things I would not enjoy myself – are past our limits, which may change over time but they aren’t things which either of us want.

Going in the other direction, I am more into BDSM than my Princess is (fantasizing about it for dozens of years as I have will have that effect!) and there are BDSM-related activities she would not enjoy.  She could “gift” me her participation in a BDSM-related activity but I would very much not want that because I would not enjoy any BDSM-related activity which would not come from her own enjoyment.  That has always been part of my particular BDSM kink and fantasies, the sadistic dominant must enjoy it or else I wouldn’t enjoy it.

That is why I say that I do not want gifts to be part of our D/s dynamic.

Ok, you may have noticed that I have put in some extra qualifiers in what I have commented on above for my own situation. There are plenty of activities which are not D/s related which I would not enjoy, and I could gift any of those to her, and I do sometimes.  Yes sometimes.  I know that as a “perfect” 24/7 submissive I could gift her everything which I dislike, but I’m certainly not that type of submissive.  I know that some subs only desire is to please their dominant but I’m not that type of sub, either.  As a loving husband I enjoy pleasing my Princess but as with most any loving husband there are limits to what I do.

Going in the other direction, there are plenty of things which my Princess could and does gift to me, and I do enjoy all of those.  It is just that none of them are BDSM-related because I would not enjoy a BDSM-related gift at all, as I mentioned.

There is a very famous D/s F/m author who frequently posts on FetLife.  I very much enjoy her posts except when she promotes her idea of giving her sub gifts of dominance or fetish fulfillment.  I believe that she posts that she gifts to her sub/husband whippings because he enjoys that.  That dynamic of giving gifts of dominance is great for those who want that, but it very much goes against my grain because I want mutually fulfilling BDSM and D/s, and the word “gift” goes against my view of mutually fulfilling … with the understanding that I have a somewhat unusual definition of the word gift.

Summary with my somewhat complicated definition of gift:  I enjoy giving gifts to and receiving gifts from my Princess, except for BDSM-related gifts because those are all mutually fulfilling so the word gift does not apply.

“My submission to you is a gift” is to me the same as saying “I don’t really want to submit to you in particular but I submit to you as a gift.”  Blecch.

Ok, enough of that theory/opinion-talk.

Last night my Princess and I watched a great old Twilight Zone (Rod Serling early 1960s) episode “The Chaser” in which a hopelessly-in-love man gives to the female object of his love a slip-into-her-champagne potion which makes her fall madly in love with him.  The woman goes way overboard in giving the guy love and affection, and since the writer Rod Serling was apparently an anti-romantic, it turns into a horror story in which the man abhors all of the sickly-sweet too-much affection he receives from her.  After days of this too-much-love the last line is when she is kissing him on the cheek as she embraces him and says “And we will be together like this for the rest of our lives.”  That line in that situation could be a good romantic ending but instead it is meant as a horror story as the guy’s face contorts in emotional agony that his life is ruined.  Classic!

Watching this episode in my teens and 20s, even though the focus of the show is more about her overboard love than about her submission, I would focus on how submissive she was in offering to do anything he wanted.  She said things like “Would you like another back rub?” and “My happiness is from your happiness.”  Wow, who wouldn’t want a spouse like that?  I mean really.  Just ask a vanilla unattached guy on the street if he wants a woman whose happiness is truly received from his happiness.  Go on, I will wait here while you go to the street to ask!  I bet some of those who worked on that TV episode would ask themselves “And that’s supposed to be a nightmare????”

My thoughts in my 20s and watching it now are that the guy was horrible in either not taking control of his slave … I mean of the situation … and letting her know how she could make him happy.  Is she bothering you kissing your cheek while you are reading?  Then ask her to do something else.  Or if this is a consensual D/s situation then tell her to (fill in the blank here with whatever you want)!  I certainly would have been telling her things to do (details intentionally missing!), once she convinced me over and over that she wanted me to let her know.  Oops, I’m a sub, that sort of talk doesn’t fit this blog lol.  Anywho, he was a terrible “Master” and Rod Serling completely failed to convince me that this general situation would be a nightmare.  Maybe that was Rod’s ploy, as a double-reverse swerve, but I doubt it.  Either way, it’s a very enjoyable episode.

Clarification:  the woman in the episode was seemingly vacuous and over-the-top annoying with her “affection.”  For example, she did not ask about the book he was reading, she didn’t seem to care.  I do not believe that her happiness was only in providing him happiness, I believe that she was extremely needy beyond that in needing to be present and providing direct immediate attention of her choosing to him.  There is nothing wrong with that but that is very different from ““My happiness is only from your happiness.”  And certainly many guys would not want to have a woman like the one in the episode.  The actress played the part well.

The episode has 3 foot references which I like, too.  The professor who sells the man the potion says, among other things, “She will fall at your feet.”  Okay, that’s not much of a foot reference.  Also, at one point the woman is playfully tickling her man’s nose for several seconds with a powder-puff-type thing on her shoe, so that presumably he is smelling her shoe.  Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch but it seems unusual to me.  The best by far, though, is when the man arrives home from work and she has him sit down while she kneels at his feet and says something like “Darling, let me remove your shoes and rub your feet.  How about if I dip my hands in a bucket of ice?  I know that your feet get so hot at work.”  Woohoo!!!!!!!!

All through my late teens and 20s I dreamed, fantasized, about having a woman fall for me like that, and to worship my feet.  Even though I mostly fantasized about suffering 24/7 torture and agony, what I desired more than fantasized back in my 20s was to be adored like that, although I knew that both types of fantasizing (extreme suffering and extreme adoration) were very unrealistic to that degree, and would actually be terrible if pushed to that degree (or at least the suffering would be lol).  And now that I know what actual romantic love is, rather than just fantasizing, I far prefer my real Princess with whom I share deep love and affection, not that silly over-the-top stuff in the episode.  Through our entire marriage my Princess and I have joked about this episode with each other as one or the other of us would jokingly ask as a sign of submission if we should dip our hands in a bucket of ice.  And lately after a walk around the neighborhood when afterwards she presses her hot bare soles against my face which is cool from the outside night air, sometimes I ask “Would you like me to dip my face in a bucket of ice?”