May 29 – Bioshock Infinite and a rant about discrimination

The following entry has no BDSM-related content.  It has strong spoilers of the first sections of Bioshock Infinite, which is a computer game I blogged about a month or two ago.

On FetLife recently someone opened a thread about the relation of index and ring finger sizes with dominant or submissive tendencies.  It was not a super-serious thread and one I would just skip but it sort of coincided with something in the computer game Bioshock Infinite which my Princess is now playing (as I watch her play and provide help and encouragement).

Is a generalization relating human beings’ physical characteristics with something non-physical a reasonable topic?  In a blog entry a few weeks ago I stated that I am intolerant to intolerance, meaning that if someone is intolerant of others then I am usually not okay with that.  However, I am finding that I am rather intolerant myself to certain points of view.

Here is where the big game spoilers are.  In Bioshock Infinite the main character you are controlling, named Booker, is sent up to a huge city in the sky.  This city seems quite idyllic, a wonderful early 20th century festival of carnivals and cotton candy.  Families are clearly having a great time and getting prepared for a big raffle, held by the government of the city.  Booker enjoys a few carnival games and generally enjoys the light atmosphere.

The raffle is held in front of a stage where Booker is presented with a baseball which has his raffle number on it.  The host on stage calls out the number and sure enough it matches the Booker’s raffle number, and everyone around is excited that this newcomer to their city gets to throw the first pitch.

This is when one of the most memorable moments in my looong computer game history occurs.  It’s something I didn’t want to mention in my previous blog entry because I didn’t want to spoil it for my Princess.

As Booker is ready for the target of his baseball throw, the stage curtain parts and a pair of people are presented.  They are a married man and woman couple of different races, tied up together as targets for the baseball, begging for mercy.  The host makes an extremely offensive comment about the women’s race which I don’t remember due to my rage at the incident and Booker is expected to begin the baseball stoning to death of this couple which has violated the laws of this city in the sky due to their mixed race marriage.  The game player is given an option, to have Booker throw the ball at the couple as expected or to throw the ball at the event host.

Easy choice, right?  Throw the ball at the host.

It was not as easy for me as I would have thought.  As a computer game player I like the game to flow smoothly without upsetting the apple cart of how a game is designed.  I like to explore all areas, nooks, and crannies, but I don’t like to try to find things a game designer might not have accounted for.  That’s just a general way I play games.  In this game when this unexpected and horrific presentation was made I could feel the weight of all of the characters around Booker as well as the host in what was expected of me/Booker.  Don’t go against what everyone expects and desires.

Fortunately, it only took me about 2 seconds to come to my senses and realize what was going on, and I took great pleasure in the outcome of using one on-looker’s knife to stab in the face another onlooker who blocked my throw.  I don’t at all revel in computer game violence but this time it felt justified, knowing that it was only a computer game character.

The society pressure I felt in those 2 seconds was a tiny bit of what probably others feel in real life, going along with a dynamic they do not like in their heart of hearts.  It was a chilling 2 seconds for me.

It is only a computer game, of course, I’m not delusional even during those 2 seconds of indecision.  But what really has emotional impact is that this sort of dynamic of racial supremacy was extremely real in this very country in the not too distant past.  I had a great aunt, about 70 years older than I am, who used language which offended me even as a 5 year old; she was not a popular person in our family due to that.  I know that there are very strong remnants of that horrifying dynamic with very real consequences today, though it is not generally sponsored by the government in the United States which is what made it stand out so much in the computer game.

In this Bioshock Infinite city in the sky, racial supremacy is very much sponsored by its government and throughout the early parts of the game after the raffle incident, this dynamic becomes evident with talks of forced work, inferiority, and all of that.  It’s horrific, I guess like a terror movie, because I know that it used to be very much real in the United States.  It’s unimaginable to me, I really can’t fathom how that could have been even remotely acceptable.

Pretty heavy stuff for a computer game.  Fortunately, it handles the topic with I believe the sensitivity required and never glorifies that dynamic.  I can imagine a white supremacist playing the game thinking how terrible it is putting his views into such a poor perspective, but to him I would say f off.  Okay, I wouldn’t say it but I would think it.

Not very tolerant of me, I suppose.  But I do not tolerate views like that which I find abhorrent.  In my teens and 20s (over 25 years ago) I would on occasion encounter someone lowering their voice to say something racially offensive to a group, such as a “joke” as if that would only offend the target of the comment, but I am glad that I personally have not encountered that lately because I would almost certainly not react well at all.  I am a non-confrontational person but I believe I would easily confront that person, albeit in a relatively “polite” way.  Ok, enough of that, I need to calm down lol.

The game goes in interesting and unexpected directions later, including talk of a rise of protests and introducing a whole lot of other concepts, but my Princess has not encountered much of those directions yet so I’ll leave it at that.  My Princess had pretty much the same initial hesitation at throwing the baseball as I had, and made the same choice for the same reasons.

That brings me back to the thread on FetLife about finger lengths.  There’s nothing offensive to me about someone saying that certain finger lengths are indicative of dominance or submission but it does make me think of a dynamic in which opportunity and persecution are determined by a physical characteristic, and that is not a dynamic I am tolerant of.

I also don’t really tolerate cauliflower, but that’s just a remnant of last night’s blog entry.

May 28, 2013 – Candy bar

Last night right after dinner as my Princess was just about to begin another session of the computer game she is playing while I watch, Bioshock Infinite, I went into the kitchen to quickly grab a chocolate covered granola bar for dessert but as I ran back into the computer room my Princess asked accusingly “What is that?”  I am usually not questioned anywhere in such an aggressive manner, it was surprising to me.  I asked “Whaaa?” as I showed her the unopened bar.  She said “Put it away.”

She had to be kidding, or maybe I was just confused, so I said “What do you mean?”  She pointed outside of the room and repeated “Put it away now.”  She didn’t raise her voice but I could clearly sense the command in her manner not to mention the very clear instruction.  I obeyed, of course, and when I returned to the room empty-handed I sat down and could just feel the unspoken pleasure in my Princess’ manner as she began playing the computer game.

I felt figuratively stepped on.  And hours later when she verbally gloated over me from that display of her authority, I felt stepped on again.  Is that fair to make me feel so under her thumb??

My Princess wields her authority over me every day, and every day I do things which I would not do if I were not her sub or slave.  But this was a very gratuitous display of her authority with no reason other than because she can.

And of course that is why I enjoyed it.  (You knew that already, though, my complaining above didn’t fool you!)

Actually, my Princess does other things just because she can but it’s usually under the seeming pretense of being convenient for her, such as sometimes not bringing her water cup with her from the other room so that I have to lower the reclining chair to get up and fetch it when she enters the room, and a bunch of other things like that.  Princess is a very apt title, and I say that with respect of course.

A half hour later as my Princess was still playing the computer game I asked if I could at least eat some grapes but she said no.  As an olive branch, she told me to go get three pieces of raw cauliflower but yeccch I would rather have not had anything.  I knew that she enjoyed the sour look on my face as I chewed and swallowed the cauliflower so I didn’t try to hide it.  She cooed “Doesn’t that taste good?” but she and I both knew the answer was no.

A bit later in the evening after we had taken our neighborhood walk, as usual my face which is cool from the outside air was used to cool off the soles of her warm bare feet (where I am meant to be!).  And then once she was done using my face as a footrest she told me to lie on the bed on my back as she restrained me spread-eagled.  Then she blindfolded me.  Uh oh.

That’s about as vulnerable a feeling as a guy can get, that position practically calls attention to one part of my body.  I was tense but held back on my whimpering.  See, I was strong! lol  Until I heard my Princess plug in the electric cord, and then I begged.  As I’ve said I think many times on this blog, there is no play-acting or “stop, don’t, stop, don’t stop, don’t stop” or anything like that, it legit scares me because I know that I will not enjoy the pain.  I am aware at all times that I love it but the immediate emotion is that I do not enjoy it and I will not enjoy it as it occurs.  (That said, it bares repeating that I am aware at all times that I love love love it.)  Confused much? lol

I asked my Princess to be careful because my knees might hit her as I struggle and it was a good warning because I struggled a whole lot, trying to move my groin away from the painful zzzzzapzzzapzzzzzzap of the neon wand right in my sensitive spots.  Back and forth I was able to struggle wildly so that the individual zzzzaps were not too lengthy.

My Princess stopped after a short time and then wrapped my package a few times with a rope, in a way I could not quite determine due to my blindfold, and she also wrapped the rope individually around each my toes a couple of times, so that when I wiggled my toes it also wiggled my groin, which made her laugh so I did that several times.  However, when I heard the zzzz sound of the neon wand again I knew that my laughing would end and I figured out that the rope did not completely cover my groin as I had hoped.  The next thing I felt was a zzzap right on the end followed by a giggle, zzzzap giggle, zzzzap giggle, zzzzap giggle.  I think that a big part of her giggling are my strange-sounding reactions which are not just “ow” but range from a sharp intake of breath through my teeth, gurgling, laughing, yelling, begging, and making other unintelligible sounds.  I certainly do not plan the sounds I make and I don’t think about them until they occur.

After she had enough of this my Princess gave me calming words to let me know that it was over and I could relax, because she can tell how tense I am even when the pain stops.  She transitioned to impact using my belt on me, whipping both parts of my package lightly with just the end of the belt in addition to whacking my thighs, soles, and chest (I am pretty sure that she aims at the nipples which makes me give a louder yelp).  She even used the end of the belt to slap my face on my right cheek over and over and over.  It hurt but I knew that it was just a stinging pain and not with any force to break my jaw or anything close to that but it hurt and it felt wrong.  She was not laughing but she was making some sort of sounds of enjoyment which I can’t remember now.  I do remember thinking “This is not in the BDSM manual!  Not fair!” as I sometimes say out loud to her in joking but I didn’t dare talk or move my face with that damn belt slapping my face and I had to just take the pain and indignity.  She then whipped my left cheek over and over with the belt and it just felt so wrong that I began to cry.

Sometimes on FetLife there are threads about how to get a sub/masochist to cry and I think for me it is the combination of pain which keeps going to a point past when I feel like an abused victim along with some sort of humiliation.  My Princess could not detect my crying since I was wearing a blindfold and she stopped right when it started, but I said something like “Thank you, Princess” in gratitude for her stopping the pain and I’m sure she heard my voice crack.

Whip me, electrocute my genitals, humiliate me, but please don’t take away my cand..granola bar! waaaa.

Evening addendum:  I wrote the above during the day today.

My Princess is out to see a friend for an hour tonight and guess what food item, if any, I have in my hand right now for dessert?  She didn’t give me any instructions on that tonight.  Answer below.

While my Princess and I were preparing dinner I asked if there were any green onions but those were used in last night’s meal so she said “No but there is cauliflower.”  She had to just rub it in, didn’t she?  I almost ran crying back to my computer to blog about it, but I waited until the tears went away.  (I’m just joking about the crying part.)

I see the look on her face sometimes when she does random acts of meanness to me, wondering if she can get away with it.  Well, yeah you can!!! 🙂  The only consequences are that she might read me whining about it on here lol.

Okay so I’m a good boy and have cauliflower in my hand now, right?  Wrong!  I have a granola bar in my hand right now, so there!!

But damn I feel compelled to return it back to the shelf and get some cauliflower.  I’m only going to eat one piece, though! (wow ain’t I bratty?)

Damn that tastes awful!

May 13, 2013 – Computer games and the sounds of a beating

The first half of this is not much about BDSM.

Yesterday I was hoping for a relaxing Sunday playing computer games.  But my Princess had other ideas.  She prohibited me from accessing my PC and instead made me sit on the couch and watch her play my computer games for much of the day.  It’s the truth.  She’s so mean!

Obviously, I’m misleading as usual.  When I’m complaining that’s when you know things are going well.

My Princess enjoys playing the better computer games after I finish them, as I watch her play and try to help when she wants advice.  Now that she has finished the 2-part Batman Arkham series (the games with tons of references to torture) she has moved on to the recent Tomb Raider game.  She usually plays for an hour or so at a time but playing as Lara Croft my Princess seems to be very much into this game, even more so than as Catwoman in the Batman games, because we played for a total of I think 4-5 hours in 2 sessions yesterday.  I like that a lot because it’s something we both enjoy together.

I know that Lara Croft has a stereotype of being eye candy for guys, but at least in the most recent Tomb Raider game her physical image is “classier,” and as a computer game character she is quite strong and kick-ass.  She is put into very difficult survival situations and finds creative ways to overcome them, with plenty of variety of gameplay, unlike the game Bioshock Infinite which I mentioned in this blog a few weeks ago.  In Tomb Raider there are areas of exploration, third-person shooting combat (at times about as much shooting as a Call of Duty game … “please take cover Princess!”), large-scale environment puzzles, fast action movie-type sequences in which you must press particular keys when prompted, very nice outdoor environments, RPG-type statistics (going up levels and choosing perks), humorous and dramatic conversations, and treasure finding.  Years ago the computer game industry shied away from having multiple play styles within a game because many people were set in their ways and not flexible in what they enjoyed, but nowadays variety like this is often a big selling point.

For example, I watched my Princess figure out a difficult environment puzzle (one which required me to cheat when I played the game a couple of months ago by looking up the solution on the internet) and she took a deep breath of satisfaction, but immediately the game put Lara into a fast and loud action sequence falling and trying to hold on for survival, only to end up in a shooting combat with a bunch of bad guys.  My Princess had to pause the game and take a bit of a break after that.  Many computer games nowadays are sometimes like amusement park rides except interactive and lasting dozens of hours, and that’s true for many different types of action-oriented games.

The Tomb Raider game actually had some mainstream controversy before it was released several months ago due to an in-game scene showing a threatened sexual assault on Lara.  At one point in a game’s cut scene Lara is backed up against a wall and a guy holding a gun caresses her shoulder, with an implication that he will be sexually assaulting her soon.  If the player presses the correct key when prompted, then Lara kicks the guy where it counts and fights and eventually is forced to kill the guy in order to survive.  This implication of sexual assault apparently offended some people but it turns out that once the game was released we all see that if the player does not press the correct key when prompted, the guy does not sexually assault her at all, he violently kills her.  Apparently, this was okay to critics.  Regardless, my Princess received good satisfaction from giving the guy what he deserved.  She only wishes that she had Catwoman’s whip to take care of him.

Speaking of which (you know that I can’t pass up a chance to talk about BDSM when someone mentions whip!), my Princess has been commenting lately that she thinks she does not hit me hard enough which is why my body shows no marks lasting more than maybe 15 minutes.  She saw a picture of a sub guy on FetLife who is not a masochist and does not enjoy pain but suffers for his female Owner, and he had marks all up and down his bare back and on his behind.  Ouch that must’ve hurt like hell.  I claim that my body, as happens with some people, just doesn’t mark much at all and my yelling in agony is not because I’m a wimp.  Well, okay I am a wimp but it hurts!

Speaking of which, I listened to a very enjoyable “Men Submit” podcast at http://www.mensubmit.com/spank-the-kinky-podcast/.  I do not listen to this podcast regularly, and they mentioned that the episode before the most recent one was about housekeeping – wow sign me up to listen to that!  Not!  No offense meant, of course, to those who enjoy housekeeping or listening to a show about housekeeping in a D/s dynamic, to each their own.

In this episode, though, they discussed the details of giving and receiving a spanking including safety, implements, psychology, etc.  The last 15 minutes of the over hour-long episode was the Domme giving her sub husband a sound spanking with various implements.  I am not much at all for watching F/m porn and this didn’t even have any video.  But it wasn’t porn at all, it was actually very informative in my view, portraying the dynamics and details of an actual spanking.  My Princess and I do not go to any BDSM events and we have no real idea how others play, which is fine because there is no right way to play of course, but it was interesting nonetheless to learn about how these two podcast hosts play.

The sub guy explained that due to technical issues the microphone made his voice sound particularly wimpy as he yelled in pain.  Those darn technical issues lol.  He explained that he, like some sub/masochist guys, does not enjoy the pain itself.  For some guys each blow is pleasure but for the sub guy host and also for myself, we don’t enjoy the pain, we enjoy the psychology and emotions caused by the pain, and in our case we both use the word humiliation to describe our emotions of being tortured by our dominant sadist.  The sub guy host sounded exactly like I would sound (except that he has an Australian accent) if I were describing the feelings, including the comments about being wimpy and being embarrassed or humiliated about the amount of yelling and begging from the pain.  He lived up to his word as during the clearly painful beating he yelled “Owww!!!” and begged plenty.  He also couldn’t help but curse on some of the louder blows.  I pretty much never curse … except when I’m being tortured by my Princess in which case sometimes I’m surprised at the words which come out of my mouth.  Early on my Princess used to gasp in surprise at my language.  And I never beg or yell! … okay that’s an outright lie to the nth degree.

And the sub guy host’s dominant wife laughed a whole lot, especially when her suffering sub was yelling and begging.  Her reactions were very close to my Princess’ reactions.  Hahaha it’s so funny to see a poor suffering slave-boy suffer hahaha, that’s my own take on the laughter.  That is mean!  My Princess was listening to the beating portion of the podcast with me and she even laughed a few times while I was cringing and feeling sympathy for the poor suffering victim.  What’s so funny? a poor guy is being tortured!!

During the beating the hosts reminded us of ourselves, so if you want to hear what my Princess and I sound like when she beats me check out the last 15 minutes of that podcast.  As always, I need to be honest, though, the sub guy on the podcast didn’t whimper and I pretty much always whimper immediately before a beating and in between blows.  It hurts!!!

May 10, 2013 – BDSM and sex

In my time on FetLife and other sites I have learned that how much sexuality, if any, is involved with BDSM is very different based upon the individual.  This can lead to some confusion, or at least for me.

My kinky desires began with a foot fetish near age 9.  But wait, kinky is the wrong word because that refers to sexuality but sexuality was literally not part of my life until my 20s.  So I can just say that my unusual desires began with a foot fetish and then in my mid-late teens I became attracted to images and fantasies of sadists holding a whip.  I felt some shame associated with my desires but in my early 20s is when I finally broke free of the chains of shame and accepted myself for who I was, including a lot of non-BDSM-related differences I have (atheism is an example), and although I can’t say that I’m at 100% acceptance of who I am I can say that I feel pretty darn comfortable with my kinky desires and fantasies (well, maybe not 100% about all of them lol).

Ok, I went off track there a bit.  What I was going to say is that since sex was not part of my life until my mid-20s … oops, that’s a very unusual facet of myself which probably seems strange to some who may be reading this, so I need another tangent.

Actually, there isn’t much to say about it.  Despite my strong foot fetish and desire to be whipped etc., I was basically asexual until my mid-20s.  I was attracted to women beginning I guess near age 12 but my body provided for me no sexual response until my mid-20s, other than rare wet dreams.  I remember asking myself as a teen “I like her and her and her, but I wouldn’t know what to do with them if I had them!”  I did know, but I wasn’t feeling it.  I had a girlfriend when I was a teenager and we would kiss, but there was no sexual response for me.  I was fine with that at the time, I didn’t know what I was missing.

Ok, back on point which is that my foot fetish and desire to be consensually tortured by a sadist developed for many years before I had any sexual responses.  For example, in my early-mid 20s that dominant guy who whipped me and made me worship his bare feet (a story I relate in the About Me section of this blog) was probably surprised when he looked down at me and saw no sexual response.  I thought at the time:  Ha ha on you, no soup for you!  No, not really, because I had told him that there would be no sexual response for me so that should not have been a surprise to him and I did not want to mislead him.

Anywho, so when my Princess whips me or makes me worship her bare feet I have no sexual response, right?  Wrong!!  I don’t know why but even the thought of that turns me on, and the reality of it turns me on or at least until the pain gets more intense in which case I’m so focused on withstanding the torture that my erection fades (something which the sub/masochist guy on The Masocast also said about himself).  However, most every intimate contact, or the thought of intimate contact, with my Princess turns me on, although BDSM and foot worship more so than other intimate contact.

My Princess did not have years (decades) of fantasizing about and desiring BDSM as I had.  It does not sexually turn her on to think about BDSM, although she has fun talking about it with me.  However, due to the reactions she knows I have about it, plus her own desires, it has always turned her on for me to worship her feet.  Also, due to the same reason, I believe that it turns her on to some degree to torture me, or to humiliate or threaten me, not as a direct turn-on but as a way for us to share closeness which is a turn-on.

So is BDSM sexual for us?  Yes, but that’s because of the nature of our love and lust for each other.

That said, sexual contact is not usually part of a BDSM scene for us, although that depends upon what my Princess has in store for us.  In the past few months a beating has more often been followed up with sexual contact than previously, but I am good with both activities being separate or together, I do not have a preference (except for a preference for as much as possible).

But I’m going to go back and reword my question, is BDSM sexual for us as individuals?  The answer is it doesn’t matter, because we are always together.  So I will need to go into a very hypothetical to answer the question.

I believe that if somehow my Princess were consensually torturing someone else, the answer for her would be no.  If somehow someone other than my Princess were consensually torturing me, I believe that the answer for me would be no (unless this was with my Princess present and directing the scene).  BDSM is only tied to sexuality for me because of my Princess, and I really have no sexual desires for anyone but her (yes that’s true, I know that a whole lot of guys are attracted to other women even if they are completely faithful to their partner, but in my case I’m just not even attracted to anyone else).

Not to seem like a lawyer, but repeating the question is BDSM sexual for us as individuals?  No.

Why does this matter?  It doesn’t for us.  But from what I read on FetLife and other places there are plenty of people for whom BDSM is not sexual, and this issue could matter when trying to understand others.

BDSM is extremely sexual for many people while not particularly sexual for others, so when I see FetLife threads about such topics as casual BDSM play or BDSM play early in a relationship, the posts are quite varied and I believe that a lot of that is due to this issue of sexuality.  When asked about casual BDSM play many people respond that they do not want casual sex.  That would confuse me at first because what does that have to do with the price of tea in China (my sayings give away my age lol)?  The topic was about casual BDSM play, not about casual sex.  But for many people it’s intertwined and they don’t separate the two, so a question about casual BDSM play is a question for them about casual sex.

When I think of casual BDSM play I think about whipping, bondage, and a lot of other activities in which touching of genitals are not involved at all.  If someone has their pants on and their bare back is being consensually whipped, is that sexual??  Not to me (unless I am the one being whipped by my Princess).  Consensual whipping is a fun dynamic and I would probably enjoy watching that, whereas I would not at all enjoy watching a sexual scene (I’ve never been into watching porn).  So for casual BDSM play I say “Yeah, you two have fun!” whereas they are often thinking “Omg, I don’t want to have casual sex with this person I barely even know through FetLife!”

It’s a disconnect when this view of BDSM does not quite match.  In the F/m world I believe that there are a whole lot of sub guys who would enjoy casual BDSM play and in my naiveté I didn’t even think of this as anything related to sex, but I realize lately that it really depends upon the individual.

Another area where this issue of sexuality and BDSM can present some miscommunication is in the gender of a partner.  When I read that someone enjoys being whipped, to me that does not mean something sexual so it seems natural to me that the gender of the partner would not make any difference.  But it can make a very big difference if the participants are straight and consider whipping to be sexual.  Again, it very much depends upon the individuals.

I do not see this issue addressed in many FetLife profiles.  Most people list their sexual orientation because it is one of the basic questions on the profile page but usually in their descriptions they do not address how much sexuality is involved in their BDSM desires, unless a reader can glean that information in either reading between the lines or in the description of specific BDSM desires.  For example, “I enjoy forced orgasm” is a pretty clear indication that sexuality is involved.  So when I see a profile which lists that they enjoy whipping and I see that straight is listed for orientation, that still doesn’t really tell me whether or not they would be interested in whipping with someone of the same gender (when I’m seeing who I can fix up with each other lol).

On the other hand, I do not think it would be a problem if one partner felt that BDSM was sexual while the other did not, as long as there would be compatibility in desires and in other facets of the relationship.  I envision a female dominant whipping a male submissive, with the male enjoying the emotion and physicality of being treated to such sadistic cruelty but not to any sexual degree while the female would feel quite sexually turned on by it.  As long as he doesn’t say afterwards “Not tonight dear, I have a back ache!” then I imagine the two could still be quite compatible.

This morning, just after the alarm clock went off, my Princess returned from the bathroom in the early morning as she usually does to lie back in bed and put her bare feet in my eagerly waiting face, but instead she removed the covers and began whacking the stick/cane and then the hard paddle on my bare behind.  What?!  Oww!  That hardly seems fair or reasonable!!  She laid her body on top of my upper body so that I couldn’t move except to kick my lower legs in reaction to the blows.  She seems to enjoy seeing my lower legs kick futilely as a reaction to her beating my behind and I like that, too, as long as she doesn’t try to hit a moving target with something hard (to accidentally hit my hipbone with the hard paddle, for example).  Being able to kick my feet gives me freedom to struggle but it’s futile because I can’t get anywhere.

Ok I admit it, fully restrained or partially free, I love it all.  Damn, why do I have to be so honest?!

May 3, 2013 — Laughter and my first ever play session

Fyi I have updated my About Me section linked at the top of the page with a somewhat detailed account of my first and only BDSM play session in my 20s before I met my Princess.

My Princess seems to be laughing more nowadays.  At me (to my delight).  We were in the supermarket yesterday and she told me to get on my knees in front of her.  I did a double-take because involving non-consenting others (at a supermarket!) is not cool at all but she continued by saying that I need to retrieve her coffee creamer which was on the bottom shelf and set back in the refrigerator.  As I retrieved the container, with my face necessarily very low to the ground so that I could reach far back into the refrigerator unit, I could practically hear my Princess’ kinky thoughts as she moved her open-toe shoe closer to my face.  I was tempted, but was not close to actually kissing her toes due to the non-consenting others issue (a very important issue).

It was just a few seconds of fun but as she was giggling, as though she had gotten away with some evil naughty deed, I commented “Imagine being at a BDSM party where we wouldn’t have to stop short like that!”  A few hours later, between whacks from the assorted instruments she struck me with while I was restrained spread eagled face down on the bed, she teased that she should have made me kiss her feet in front of everyone.  It isn’t easy for me to listen while trying to withstand the pain but I manage to hear most everything she says, as long as it isn’t too complex.  Maybe someday, some year, we will be able to exhibit some public displays of humiliation (pdh) at a BDSM party where others may join in with laughter at my expense.  Does wanting to make others laugh make me Henny Youngman??  (How is that for an old-time reference?)

Last night my Princess also expressed something else interesting as she was whipping my back with the belt.  I had turned my head to watch her enjoyment which is clear from the expression on her face and care she takes in strapping most every place on my body.  Damn that stings.  As she kept whipping me she said with a tone of wonder “I don’t know how you could enjoy being beaten like this.”  I replied with vehemence, trying to twist my body to emphasize my words, “I do not enjoy being beaten!  I just want to serve you, Princess, and I just want to be caressed like I’m a slave pet.”  As the blows continued, in pain I cried out in futility “I want a sensual Domme!!!”

All of what I said was bunk, of course.  Or actually at the moment it was true, the paradox of not wanting to be tortured but loving when my Princess tortures me, but even I had trouble keeping a straight face this time.  My Princess had been out of town for a week and even the poor victimized pet inside of me experienced unconfused enjoyment being with my Princess.  A bit later she snuggled against my body as I was restrained face up spread eagled, and before I managed to cop a free feel of her behind (due to the angle she was lying next to me) she was giggling.  I was in pain and whined “What is so funny?  I am in pain!” but that just made her laugh even more.  I say to her pretty much the reverse of what she says to me, I say “I don’t know how you can enjoy the pain of your loving husband!”

A couple of nights ago I was brushing my teeth getting ready for bed when my Princess appeared unexpectedly right outside of the open door.  Like one of those horror movies I jumped a bit and I could tell that something evil was going to happen.  I gave a very half-hearted and insincere effort to close the door but it was too late.  She looked next to the sink and found small pointy scissors, and I knew that my goose was cooked.  However, there isn’t much she can do with scissors except threaten, since blood play is beyond our limits (soft limits, I think), so I just stood there to take my medicine.  She pushed her arm against my back so I was pressed against the sink counter area and couldn’t move much as she carved her name into my back.  Owww, but I thought we don’t want blood!  I didn’t say that out loud, though.  In truth, I would be okay with going past that limit but only with something sterilized, just picking up something sharp and poking me with it would not be safe, I think!  When she was done with her carving and my groaning she lifted her knee and pushed me over her knee and the sink as she gave me a brief OTK spanking.  Not to tempt fate or anything but I think that my behind can take more than her bare hand can give, the laws of physics dictate equal force and all of that, and I imagine that giving a hand spanking hurts both participants (?).  Once an implement gets added to the mix, though, I’m toast.

Anywho, the next day when I showered I could still feel the scratches.  And last night before my Princess started using the impact implements on me, she enjoyed seeing the scratches on my back, fingering them and sort of cooing over her handiwork.  I felt like an object, my body a canvas for her sadistic enjoyment.  When I gave one of my “poor me” style whines she asked me if seeing the scratches in the mirror freaked me out, although there was no blood at all, and I responded that I hadn’t looked.  The situation reminded me of how a very experienced sadist who might enjoy leaving all sorts of marks talks with an inexperienced sub to coax him through a painful experience, or how a torturer makes it clear that enjoyment will occur regardless of a victim’s considerations.  I loved that dynamic because I want my Princess to have maximum sadistic enjoyment at my expense.  To me the psychology of BDSM is more important than the physical aspects, though the physical certainly adds to and is pretty much necessary for the psychology (for me).

On a different topic altogether, I also want to make a comment about now finally there is an openly gay player on a US major professional team sport.  I am not LGBT but I have hidden my BDSM-ness and other aspects about myself (including my atheism) because of the intolerance of others.  I have almost no respect for those who discriminate against others.  I am very intolerant of intolerance.  I have sat with strangers who looked around to see if a minority was close and then someone in the group would whisper an awful “joke” about a minority.  I have heard many anti-gay and anti-trans “jokes”.  I even hear anti-atheist remarks strongly implying that without a belief in a god a person must not have any personal morals.  These sorts of comments have always turned my stomach, even when I was around 6 years old.  Fortunately, I would only hear these insulting remarks in groups of people I don’t know (and why they think it’s okay to talk smack about people around me is beyond my comprehension), I can’t really say what I’d do if someone I knew made an offensive remark like that.  I believe that I would stand up and tell them what I feel, that their insulting remarks suck.  I read today that the legendary “old school” football coach Vince Lombardi knew of gay players (plural) on his 1968 team and even commented to the coaches on his team that “And if I hear one of you people make reference to his manhood, you’ll be out of here before your ass hits the ground.”