Mar 25, 2013 — BDSM fun

I have been thinking about this topic for many months, really shortly after I joined FetLife over a year ago.  Why is it so difficult to find someone to play with?  Is casual BDSM fun so unwanted?

That question may seem out of character to me because I do not play with anyone except my Princess, and ours is not only a play relationship, it is a forever loving relationship.

Another thing which may seem out of character for me is making gender generalizations (as I will later in this blog entry) because I just don’t usually do that.  And that’s why I have not really posted about this before, because I don’t like gender generalizations, but I was sort of prompted into it recently by some private messages with a male sub friend of mine.

I see many people post on FetLife how difficult it is to find someone compatible.  Many people on FetLife are looking for a long term loving relationship and I have always known that regardless of BDSM, it is very difficult to find a compatible long term relationship partner, or difficult for most people anyway.  And I am a big proponent of having a long term loving relationship.  It is even better than I, a hopeless romantic, had hoped for.  I can completely understand the difficulty many people have.

In the meantime of looking for a long term partner, why not have a whole lot of fun along the way?  If someone is not long term material, does that disqualify them from being fun for you to play with?  Do you feel bad for playing with someone who is not on your A list?

I am posting all of this from an outsider’s point of view, plus of course it’s just my own view which by the nature of opinion is biased.  I will never be in a situation of looking for a long term or any partner, and I am extremely lucky to have my Princess.  I am sitting here on my comfy couch spouting points of view which are safe for me because of my situation.

That said, from my comfy couch I say that had I never met my Princess I would think that I would be playing all over the place with whomever had similar BDSM interests to mine.  Not sex, because casual sex has never been appealing to me under any circumstances.  I am referring to BDSM consensual non-consent suffering (my particular favorite kink) without genital pleasuring (because personally I would have to know someone very well for that) — S&M and/or humiliation play.

A dominant woman acquaintance of mine commented on FetLife that she could not find any submissive masochistic males in her area.  She said she just wanted to beat on some man.  I was pleased that she had this attitude because it fit with what I have seen many sub guys post, and I was shocked that she could not find someone.  I think I asked her “You can’t find a sub guy to beat on, really?” and I encouraged her to just ask around FetLife and she would probably trip over dozens of guys in her area who would love for her to beat on them.  Then she clarified that she would need to get to know them as friends for a while before beating on him, and then she clarified further that they would need to be in their 20s and hawt.

Ok, there’s nothing wrong with having preferences but the premise of her complaint was very misleading to me.

It made me think, though.  I see many sub guys post how much they would enjoy casual play, some whipping, some bondage, some of this, some of that depending upon what they enjoy.  In many cases maybe casual sex, too, but in any case sub guys seem to be very open to casual play of lots of different types (depending upon the guy).  By contrast, I see almost no dominant women post about being open to casual play, except for Pro Dommes.  The non-pro dominant women I read on FetLife, which are many, mostly post about looking for a long term relationship, a good close friend to play with, or in some cases a service-only sub.  I know that there are some guys who enjoy being a service-only sub to someone they barely know, but not many from what I see.

Is the stereotype I have been interpreting for this past year on FetLife true, that many sub guys want to play (whether or not they also want a long term relationship) while dominant women do not?  Maybe I’m just sort of blind?

Now keep in mind that I am not complaining.  I read many posts from sub guys complaining about how difficult it is to find a dominant woman to play with.  I am not complaining because I am not personally affected by this either way — if no-one plays, that doesn’t change my relationship with my Princess one way or the other.

However, I do have empathy for most anyone who has deep desires with no reasonable way to fulfill them.  Probably because before I met my Princess I was in that situation, and probably also because I have empathy for others about this topic in general.  There goes I if not for the great luck I had in meeting my Princess.  It really hurts to have unfulfilled deep desires and I feel for the dominant women (and sub men) who are not able to find the long term relationship they want and the sub men who are not able to find the play they want.

Someone recently made a comment that not finding someone to play with leads to boredom.  “No big deal” was my interpretation of her comment.  Well, it is a very big deal for some people and an off-hand comment like that is rather insensitive in my view.  That comment even made me stop reading FetLife altogether (gasp!!) for a few days.  Yeah I’m over-sensitive lol.

So what am I saying?  That dominant women should start playing casually more often?  No, of course not.  People should do what they want to do without pressure.  All I am saying is that I find it quite sad to see so many people not able to find what they are looking for.  It isn’t boredom that many of them feel, it’s lack of fulfillment.  And it makes me sad to see that.

I am also saying that I find it strange that dominant women apparently don’t enjoy casual play.  Strange doesn’t mean wrong, of course.  Everyone has their own valid preferences and they must make their own decisions.  If casual play isn’t fun then it isn’t fun.

Another thing which makes me sad is seeing sub guys post complaints about how difficult it is to find a dominant woman to play with, and then to be lambasted by dominant women who make him out to be a baby whiner whether or not he is whining at all.  It is as if sub guys are not allowed to complain, and instead of compassion are given a verbal beating (not the fun kind).  Now some sub guys are not appropriate in the way they approach the subject and for a group moderator to step in and point out rules being violated is of course fine.  But some sub guys are sincere and polite at first, and yet are practically run out of town on some FetLife groups.

Is it so tough to show some compassion?

The answer is, from what I have seen, that if the sub guy reacts to the many get-over-it-you-whiner comments with a high amount of grace in his responses — something which is somewhat rare since a large number of the sub guys who get ragged on from their initial post react to that with inappropriate hostility, which I do not advocate at all — then they do receive compassion and help.  It’s rare but I have seen threads in which there is no hostility directed at a sub guy who initially complains about not being able to find what he is looking for, and the thread becomes a huge positive for everyone involved.  Yeah I’m polyanna for wanting whips and rainbows in all posts, but I am what I am.

This post may be more appropriate for a FetLife group discussion (if I were to summarize it with a few questions), but I would rather not be lambasted myself so I’ll just post it here to get it off my chest.  And maybe provide one outsider’s perspective for those who may be reading this.

Anywho, I have rambled on enough about some of the less-than-optimal aspects of FetLife and also about gender generalizations.  FetLife is a great site in my view for bringing people together, even if only to complain about how difficult it is for most everyone to find someone compatible lol, but also to learn about the lifestyle.  Had I not encountered FetLife over a year ago, I am somewhat certain that I would not be a sub or slave to my Princess now and we would have remained mostly vanilla, because FetLife and other sites helped rekindle my desire for submission and that sparked conversations and one thing led to another, and here I am obeying her 24/7.

Mar 18, 2013 – Power

A recent post on FetLife asked about alcohol and BDSM.  I do not drink alcohol (I never acquired the taste) and my Princess rarely drinks alcohol, but she does apparently get drunk on power.  For example, yesterday I am not proud to say that I had to serve corner time five times, not proud because it’s rather humiliating to have to just stand in the corner while my Princess sits in the comfy couch and basks in her authority.  If I had to tell this to someone face-to-face, even someone kinky, I am sure that my face would be a bit red and my eyes cast somewhat downward.

In the morning my Princess walked into the room where I was typing at my PC and she said “Go stand in the corner.”  I tried to keep the whine out of my voice, unsuccessfully this time, in asking what I did wrong but she said that it was for no reason, she just wanted me to be there.  That stops my whining because I can’t provide my usual litany of excuses “But I was tired which is why I forgot” “I was focusing on the other tasks you gave me” or whatever other whine, so I just shut up and obeyed.  Ok in this blog I portray myself as a big whiner but … hmmm, my Princess would probably agree with that assessment.  But we both know it’s in good fun, if I had something truly bothering me (which is rare) then we would talk about it.

I am also not proud to say that for the entire 10 or so minutes that I stood in the corner, I had a physical reaction (i.e. I was hard).  And this was despite her allowing me 3 hours earlier to end a week of chastity, so a physical reaction would not have happened easily for me.  Once my corner time was over I tried to hide my reaction and just sit back down at my PC but it’s difficult to hide without wearing any clothing, so I received her mocking laughter at how much of a humiliation slut I am.  It was just corner time but I can’t help the reactions I have!  It’s not my fault!!

I guess that amused my Princess so she had me serve corner time 4 more times during the day.  I felt like stamping my feet and whining but I didn’t.  The last of the 5 corner time sentences that day was only for 30 seconds as my Princess wanted me to rub her feet, so I was let off easy that time.  And then that evening, I think for the first time in our over 15 year marriage, my “chastity” ended again the same day.

Which brings me to what I really wanted to blog about today.  After reading a recent blog entry of mine where my Princess saw that of the “three S’s in submission” I listed Suffering, then Servicing (sexual and sensual service), and then Service, she asked me a great question.  Her question was something like “Do you enjoy suffering more than you enjoy sex?”

I am very glad that she asked that.  It allowed me to clarify my feelings instead of going by the misleading comments on my blog.

My comments were about BDSM, not about sex or sexuality.  I love having sex with my Princess for the love we share and for the physical and emotional joy for both of us.  I also enjoy BDSM type suffering for the same reasons, although it’s a different type of sharing.  I enjoy sex with my Princess more than I enjoy BDSM (and y’all know how much I enjoy BDSM!).  When I am referring to sex within the context of my discussions about BDSM, I am only referring to the submission aspect of it and not the entire experience of having sex, that is why I listed suffering as my primary kink within BDSM.

Anywho, I have started to write a fictional story about a F/m foot fetish.  I don’t know why it has taken me so long, maybe because I intimately experience my Princess’ feet in real life every day (woohoo!!!!) so a purely fantasy story about the subject wasn’t popping into my mind.  But reading on FetLife about “foot parties” in which guys pay women so the guys can worship the women’s feet inspired me to come up with a love story related to that, of sorts.  Of course, the dominant woman protagonist will be making her sub guy more of a slave and pain-boy than the man was hoping for because I had to get a good amount of suffering in there, didn’t I?  I just can’t help myself lol.

Mar 13, 2013 — Theory of submissive service

In a discussion on FetLife someone posted a Theory of Submissive Service and I found a link to what was quoted:

This Theory initially sort of rubbed me the wrong way, surprisingly.  I know that there are some subs who truly do experience joy “to demonstrate, through your attitude and demeanor, that the Dominant’s needs come first.”  And I experience joy with this myself but the focus of this Theory still rubbed me the wrong way at first.

In thinking further on this, I believe that the reason it rubbed me the wrong way is due to how my submission works.  Everyone’s submission works differently and this Theory implies through its wording that this is the way submission should work for everyone.  I am not a proponent of the “one twue way.”  Beyond that, though, my submission is a combination of factors and does not really fit this Theory:

1) My biggest kinky joy by far, and what I have fantasized about for decades, is being “forced” (“dominated”) to endure BDSM-type suffering (pain, humiliation, and/or servitude).  With the application of this force or domination, I could possibly be made into the type of submissive described in this Theory, or possibly not.  Not a tit-for-tat situation but a sort of being forced into it.

This Theory bypasses that step altogether, though, or at least that’s how I read it.  I read it that a submissive should submit due to a need or desire to submit, the joy is in the submission itself without any need for the enduring of suffering.  That’s great for those who are fulfilled by that, and I know that many subs are fulfilled by that, but that’s not me or at least not for my #1.

2) I also get joy from submitting to my Princess because I love her deeply and enjoy giving her joy.  I don’t know how to classify this, whether it’s just being a loving husband, being a D/s submissive, or somewhere in between, and I am learning that it doesn’t matter how I classify it because it is what it is.  That said, it is not only being a loving husband, I do get a kinky kick out of being her obedient non-suffering slave although it is not my primary fantasy.  And where I get an even bigger kinky kick is being her sexual slave, something I had not even thought about ahead of time but now that it is reality it’s great.

So maybe I should interpret this Theory of Submissive Service as having for me (not for everyone, of course) a first section not covered, something like “A submissive who is beaten down and tortured, humiliated, and forced (conditioned?) to obey….”

Damn but that’s high maintenance and I think that’s what bothers me.  I would love to be someone who gets pure joy and BDSM fulfillment from service alone, but that’s just not the case, and I think that’s why this Theory rubbed me the wrong way because it’s something cool but something which I could never even really aspire to realistically (unless we add my section about suffering onto it).

In other words, reading this Theory makes me feel insufficient or deficient as a slave.

I don’t want to be high maintenance, and much stronger than that I don’t want to be a burden to my Princess.  That is why I am so so lucky that my Princess does enjoy making me endure BDSM-type suffering, as most anyone who reads my blog can see from prior entries.  So any deficiency I might feel at not being up to the standards of this Theory, and not even being able to get up to those standards, are washed away by the fact that it doesn’t matter.

What matters is that for me to be the sub or slave that I and my Princess want me to be.  I still have a ways to go to get there, it’s a marathon and not a sprint.

I also believe that this Theory sort of triggered in me a realization that there seems to be a difference in what many dominant women want and what many submissive men want.  I frequently see dominant women comment on FetLife about how difficult it is to find a “truly” submissive man, and the women go on to discuss how sometimes men say they will submit but it only occurs for a short time, not at all in reality, or just for certain activities.  I wonder how many of those man were hoping for a much heavier hand of dominance and suffering and then their submissive desires fizzled when they were expected to simply obey without much of any suffering?

“Grovel on the floor!” “Yes Mistress!!” “Feel my whip!” “Yes Mistress!!!!” “Clean my bathroom” “Uh, what?”

I am only talking out of my hat here, because I know that many sub guys do not want any suffering at all.  By the way, here is a blog entry about my three Ss of submission:  Suffering is the top of my list personally, then Servicing (sexual and sensual service), followed by Service (non-sensual service).  No surprises about me there, right?

I have also read that many dominant women don’t want a high maintenance sub.  High maintenance (along with everything else) is in the eye of the beholder so for just this particular issue I guess as long as a dominant woman enjoys perpetrating some suffering and a sub guy enjoys suffering, then it’s a matter of matching or compromising the two levels of needs and desires.

One thing which is unwanted for me, but I think might be okay for many sub guys, is for a dominant to perpetrate suffering just to satiate the desires of the sub, even if it’s BDSM-type suffering.  I have read comments by a published dominant woman author  that she gives fetish fulfillment (including whipping) to her sub man as a gift.  For me that really really defeats the purpose and fulfillment which is to suffer due to a dominant’s sadistic enjoyment.  Fortunately for me, my Princess is sadistic and enjoys making me suffer as can be seen in my blog entries.  She recently told me that she really enjoyed Catwoman as a kid, and enjoyed the idea of using a whip.  Lucky lucky me!

So what do those who are discussing with a new partner negotiate for this?  “I would like you to make me endure a lot of BDSM-type suffering” “Hmmm, okay, I like a bit of that, I will try to make you endure as much as I can.”  That sort of discussion seems strange to me.  I guess it goes back to consensual non-consent, how does a sub ask to be treated “non-consensually”?  If they ask that and then it occurs, that to me wouldn’t feel non-consensual at all.  I think that the answer is time.  If it is discussed and then much later something occurs (whether or not it closely resembles what was discussed), it could feel non-consensual.  On a recent Masocast, Lee Harrington described negotiating consensual non-consent with someone and then I think it was 5 months later that it occured, completely without any forewarning but it did fall within consent because that consent was given 5 months earlier including the long term nature of it (presumably there was a safe word, or maybe not).

That said, I do not advocate not discussing issues.  Communication is very important to avoid misunderstandings and flat out incorrect assumptions.  People aren’t mind-readers!

One other thing I will say about that Theory of Submissive Service is that if I were a Master (don’t laugh!!), then I would probably want a submissive who would be able to find primary joy at my joy, without the need for “maintenance” although I’m sure I would slip in a whole lot of sadism into the equation (oops, did I type that out loud?).

Who wouldn’t want to have a partner who experiences joy at your joy?  Just ask people on the street, hey how would you like it if your partner decided to focus almost all of their attention on doing everything you enjoy?  I’ll bet the answer would be me me me me from most everyone.

Okay, I’m on a bit of a stretch here, but I really think that a huge number of even vanilla people would react very favorably to that, if their partner were sincere in that.  That said, when someone reveals their BDSM submissive desires to a vanilla partner, they often aren’t truly saying that they only want to focus on the joy of their partner, they are also saying that they have kinky desires about it, or even if they are not saying that it is natural in my view for a vanilla to hear that at least at first.  So the reality is a lot more complicated than my hypothetical fantasy ideal of a partner truly wanting to focus making their partner’s life better through servitude.  And the reality is that it can be quite jarring for a vanilla to learn that their partner has kinky desires, depending upon the person (and the desires).

Maybe if a sub really did feel that they aspired to what is listed in the Theory of Submissive Service it would be a nice statement to give to their dominant, sort of like giving a holiday card, as long as it is sincere.

Mar 5, 2013 – Sadistic women

This message has been pre-approved by my Princess (she has never not approved any of my posts before but for some of them I check ahead of time just in case):

As I am reading comments from some of the submissive guys on FetLife, there seems to be a stereotype or thought that many sadistic women inflict pain from anger or strong dislike which they feel towards men.  The implication is not that many sadistic women blatantly violate safe words or are insane, just that for many women their sadism comes from a place of anger or strong dislike and if a submissive man is uncomfortable about a certain activity many sadistic women want to push beyond the discomfort and squeeze as much pain as they can out of the poor guy without regard to his enjoyment or fulfillment.  The further implication is that a guy who suffers such agony is a sucker for putting up with it.  That perception is not complimentary either to sadistic women or to masochistic sub guys.

The belief of some submissive guys goes further than that in that many dominant and/or sadistic women just want to use a guy for whatever they can get, whether that is the infliction of pain, obtaining service for nothing, or obtaining money for nothing.  In other words, some submissive men seem to feel or at least fear that many dominant and/or sadistic women do not care about their sub’s enjoyment.  The further implication is that a guy who provides service “for nothing in return” is a sucker being taken advantage of.  Again, this perception manages to insult multiple types of people which is why this perception irks me.

In my view nothing is further from the truth.  I have not encountered this stereotype of sadistic much if at all.  I do not see many dominant and/or sadistic women on FetLife who appear to not care about the enjoyment of their sub.  Quite the contrary, from what I read dominant and/or sadistic women in general greatly care about the enjoyment of their subs and wouldn’t want to interact with someone they don’t care about.

There are exceptions, of course, as there are “bad apples” in all walks of life.  Also, I do not believe that a huge number of submissive men have this perception, it just seems to be a bit below the surface and perhaps more of a fear for many sub guys than an actual perception.

Anywho, it is in my view something to be aware of if you are a sub man or sadistic woman meeting a potential partner.  As a sadistic woman you may need to work to overcome an initial idea or stereotype that you are in it for your own angry desires.  Similarly, as a sub man you may need to overcome an initial idea that all you care about are your own fetishes and not your partner’s desires.  I’m probably not saying anything which many people don’t already know but it struck me as odd that sadistic women would be thought of in this way, or maybe it’s just some people’s fear talking.  I’ve read comments from some sub guys that they have BDSM desires but are afraid that they will be taken advantage of.  Being cautious of potential pitfalls is often a good approach, so as long as people are open-minded not to prejudge someone, there isn’t really an issue there in my view.

On the other hand, I have seen FetLife profiles of apparently very sadistic and selfish people who are up front about their desires.  Something like “I will make your life a living hell” (not an exact quote).  To me that’s great so that potential partners are aware.  Also, from a fantasy standpoint that seems great to me, I’m all for extreme sadism in fantasy, and tonight I have posted on my main web page a new fictional story of a “No Limits Slave” being taken advantage of by an up front extremely sadistic woman.

Speaking of which:

Princess, please let me cum.  Please please please please please please please please please please please please.  I am begging publicly on my knees and I would kiss your feet but that’s tough to do via blog.  You know how much I fantasize at quiet moments during the day, which means that I have to cover up some physical embarrassment at times during the day, due to it having been a long long time since you have allowed me release.  In the mornings when we wake up and you thrust your bare feet in my face and your toes in my mouth, and then have me flip over to enter you, it feels so great that it’s difficult for me not to let loose, but I hold back because you command it.  It feels so gooooood.  Pleeeeeeaaaase next time before you push me out please let me cum (puppy dog eyes pde pde pde pde).

Ok, enough whining.  Now do you see how tough my Princess has it having to listen to my frequent whining?  Damn, it’s only been 6 days but with all of the physical interaction we’ve had lately it seems like much longer.  When my Princess is out of town for a week it’s different for me even if I go longer than when she is here, it’s much less “uncomfortable” because there is no physical interaction.  When my Princess is gone for a week I miss her greatly and it’s as though sex doesn’t exist for me, especially since she does not allow me to touch myself there for pleasure.

Turning this entry into something less silly or at least less whiny, male chastity is practiced differently by different couples and works in different ways depending upon the individual guy, but in my case if I ever were locked up (physically or just with no contact allowed) and neglected frequently for days at a time I believe that my libido would lower over time.  I know that for many guys neglect-type chastity seems to increase their desire, or at least when they are imprisoned in a device, but I believe that for me it would decrease my desire.  Luckily, that scenario is the opposite of what is going on for me.

I read stories of guys who are locked up in a device with literally no interaction, except perhaps only for cleaning every now and then, for a month or more.  “Only my Mistress’ pleasure counts, my pleasure is irrelevant.”  That’s fine, whatever floats their boat, but if I were ever treated that way, I’d probably just permanently shrivel up!  Maybe I’m wrong but in any case it doesn’t matter because it’s just hypothetical.  Also, many guys who are locked up for long timeframes like that are released for plenty of T&D.

I also read about other effects of male chastity on different guys.  One positive effect mentioned frequently is that the guy is often more attentive to please his key-holder.  I am finding somewhat of the opposite.  When my Princess is nearby I am thinking of her and interacting with her directly, and even more than usual I lose track of chores or tasks I am expected to perform.  It’s as though my attention span for mundane things is reduced, not to mention my IQ at the moment.  I guess it’s the proverbial thinking with the wrong head.  I believe this happens rarely except when I’m in a frenzy lol.

And as always, a confirmation of the truth is the bottom line on all of my posts:  I love everything my Princess does to me or has me do.  Still, I am not exaggerating when I beg pleeeeaaaasse pde pde pde pde???