I have been thinking about this topic for many months, really shortly after I joined FetLife over a year ago. Why is it so difficult to find someone to play with? Is casual BDSM fun so unwanted?
That question may seem out of character to me because I do not play with anyone except my Princess, and ours is not only a play relationship, it is a forever loving relationship.
Another thing which may seem out of character for me is making gender generalizations (as I will later in this blog entry) because I just don’t usually do that. And that’s why I have not really posted about this before, because I don’t like gender generalizations, but I was sort of prompted into it recently by some private messages with a male sub friend of mine.
I see many people post on FetLife how difficult it is to find someone compatible. Many people on FetLife are looking for a long term loving relationship and I have always known that regardless of BDSM, it is very difficult to find a compatible long term relationship partner, or difficult for most people anyway. And I am a big proponent of having a long term loving relationship. It is even better than I, a hopeless romantic, had hoped for. I can completely understand the difficulty many people have.
In the meantime of looking for a long term partner, why not have a whole lot of fun along the way? If someone is not long term material, does that disqualify them from being fun for you to play with? Do you feel bad for playing with someone who is not on your A list?
I am posting all of this from an outsider’s point of view, plus of course it’s just my own view which by the nature of opinion is biased. I will never be in a situation of looking for a long term or any partner, and I am extremely lucky to have my Princess. I am sitting here on my comfy couch spouting points of view which are safe for me because of my situation.
That said, from my comfy couch I say that had I never met my Princess I would think that I would be playing all over the place with whomever had similar BDSM interests to mine. Not sex, because casual sex has never been appealing to me under any circumstances. I am referring to BDSM consensual non-consent suffering (my particular favorite kink) without genital pleasuring (because personally I would have to know someone very well for that) — S&M and/or humiliation play.
A dominant woman acquaintance of mine commented on FetLife that she could not find any submissive masochistic males in her area. She said she just wanted to beat on some man. I was pleased that she had this attitude because it fit with what I have seen many sub guys post, and I was shocked that she could not find someone. I think I asked her “You can’t find a sub guy to beat on, really?” and I encouraged her to just ask around FetLife and she would probably trip over dozens of guys in her area who would love for her to beat on them. Then she clarified that she would need to get to know them as friends for a while before beating on him, and then she clarified further that they would need to be in their 20s and hawt.
Ok, there’s nothing wrong with having preferences but the premise of her complaint was very misleading to me.
It made me think, though. I see many sub guys post how much they would enjoy casual play, some whipping, some bondage, some of this, some of that depending upon what they enjoy. In many cases maybe casual sex, too, but in any case sub guys seem to be very open to casual play of lots of different types (depending upon the guy). By contrast, I see almost no dominant women post about being open to casual play, except for Pro Dommes. The non-pro dominant women I read on FetLife, which are many, mostly post about looking for a long term relationship, a good close friend to play with, or in some cases a service-only sub. I know that there are some guys who enjoy being a service-only sub to someone they barely know, but not many from what I see.
Is the stereotype I have been interpreting for this past year on FetLife true, that many sub guys want to play (whether or not they also want a long term relationship) while dominant women do not? Maybe I’m just sort of blind?
Now keep in mind that I am not complaining. I read many posts from sub guys complaining about how difficult it is to find a dominant woman to play with. I am not complaining because I am not personally affected by this either way — if no-one plays, that doesn’t change my relationship with my Princess one way or the other.
However, I do have empathy for most anyone who has deep desires with no reasonable way to fulfill them. Probably because before I met my Princess I was in that situation, and probably also because I have empathy for others about this topic in general. There goes I if not for the great luck I had in meeting my Princess. It really hurts to have unfulfilled deep desires and I feel for the dominant women (and sub men) who are not able to find the long term relationship they want and the sub men who are not able to find the play they want.
Someone recently made a comment that not finding someone to play with leads to boredom. “No big deal” was my interpretation of her comment. Well, it is a very big deal for some people and an off-hand comment like that is rather insensitive in my view. That comment even made me stop reading FetLife altogether (gasp!!) for a few days. Yeah I’m over-sensitive lol.
So what am I saying? That dominant women should start playing casually more often? No, of course not. People should do what they want to do without pressure. All I am saying is that I find it quite sad to see so many people not able to find what they are looking for. It isn’t boredom that many of them feel, it’s lack of fulfillment. And it makes me sad to see that.
I am also saying that I find it strange that dominant women apparently don’t enjoy casual play. Strange doesn’t mean wrong, of course. Everyone has their own valid preferences and they must make their own decisions. If casual play isn’t fun then it isn’t fun.
Another thing which makes me sad is seeing sub guys post complaints about how difficult it is to find a dominant woman to play with, and then to be lambasted by dominant women who make him out to be a baby whiner whether or not he is whining at all. It is as if sub guys are not allowed to complain, and instead of compassion are given a verbal beating (not the fun kind). Now some sub guys are not appropriate in the way they approach the subject and for a group moderator to step in and point out rules being violated is of course fine. But some sub guys are sincere and polite at first, and yet are practically run out of town on some FetLife groups.
Is it so tough to show some compassion?
The answer is, from what I have seen, that if the sub guy reacts to the many get-over-it-you-whiner comments with a high amount of grace in his responses — something which is somewhat rare since a large number of the sub guys who get ragged on from their initial post react to that with inappropriate hostility, which I do not advocate at all — then they do receive compassion and help. It’s rare but I have seen threads in which there is no hostility directed at a sub guy who initially complains about not being able to find what he is looking for, and the thread becomes a huge positive for everyone involved. Yeah I’m polyanna for wanting whips and rainbows in all posts, but I am what I am.
This post may be more appropriate for a FetLife group discussion (if I were to summarize it with a few questions), but I would rather not be lambasted myself so I’ll just post it here to get it off my chest. And maybe provide one outsider’s perspective for those who may be reading this.
Anywho, I have rambled on enough about some of the less-than-optimal aspects of FetLife and also about gender generalizations. FetLife is a great site in my view for bringing people together, even if only to complain about how difficult it is for most everyone to find someone compatible lol, but also to learn about the lifestyle. Had I not encountered FetLife over a year ago, I am somewhat certain that I would not be a sub or slave to my Princess now and we would have remained mostly vanilla, because FetLife and other sites helped rekindle my desire for submission and that sparked conversations and one thing led to another, and here I am obeying her 24/7.