That sounds like the title of a trashy novel, or maybe a trashy political article, and at some point I might turn this into a Submissive Guide (http://www.submissiveguide.com) article, but for now it’s off the cuff as a blog entry.
By the way, if you just want to skip to a BDSM-related anecdote which happened today without reading the mumbo-jumbo philosophy below which is related to the title of this blog, feel free to scroll down to near the end of this post to the heading Anecdote.
On their very enjoyable blogs Mistress Ivey (http://mistressivey.blogspot.com/2013/01/please-be-mean.html) and Mistress Scarlett (in the comments of http://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/2012/12/20/more-christmas-presents/) have recently mentioned the idea that their submissives enjoy or need for these Mistresses to be mean or cruel. Obviously not all subs like for their dominants to ever be cruel but I enjoy or need some level of cruelty from my Princess and I want to address this issue.
Wait, really? I want my kind and loving Princess to be cruel to me? But do I want her to be loving towards me? Yes and yes, cruel and loving, hence the paradox.
I believe that most everyone wants their spouse to act lovingly towards them, however that is manifested (which depends upon the individual). I’m no different, or actually I’m even needier than probably the “average” person and I really cherish loving attention from my Princess. The smile in her face when she treats me in a loving way – smiling because she enjoys treating me that way – is priceless. And it’s not just because she is enjoying it and I am submitting to it (so to speak), I enjoy her loving affection for its own sake. If that were to ever stop for whatever reason, such as my Princess becoming mean and cruel 24/7, that would be a tragedy. Fortunately, that’s never going to happen.
So we’re all set, right? My Princess and I treat each other with a whole lot of loving kindness and I also serve her with obedience and attentiveness as her sub or slave. That last sentence is true, but let’s not go so fast on the conclusions there. I also want/need to be treated by her with cruelty. In addition, she has a sadistic side which enjoys treating me with cruelty. In that last sentence I refer to her feelings, and referring to someone else’s feelings is never a 100% proposition, but I feel very confident that she does enjoy treating me with some amount of cruelty because of her reactions (such as giggling and the glee I see on her face) and also we discuss these issues frequently.
What do I mean by cruelty? Is that just my Princess doing certain things to me such as giving me a spanking or whipping? I suspect that for many subs who enjoy or need cruelty, the answer may be yes, specific activities are desired. In my case of course there are many activities which are out of bounds (cutting off my arm, just as an extreme example) except that I do not have specific activities in mind (well, I admit that I enjoy spanking and whipping a bit more than most anything else). I am open to a world of BDSM activities, a bit over-eager like a puppy in a candy store or whatever other mixed metaphor I can come up with. My “criteria” for what fits into the cruelty I enjoy or need is the following:
1) My Princess must enjoy perpetrating it on me or else I would not enjoy it.
Honestly. And it’s #1 on my list.
I know that many subs are fine with their dominant appeasing them by doing specific activities and there are many who have a dynamic in which dominants give their sub a gift. And that is fine, I certainly respect others’ dynamics and I do not mean to speak for them, compromise or gifts can be a great thing for some. For me, though, I need my Princess to enjoy it or else it’s not enjoyable for me. I suspect that many other subs also feel this way but I can really only speak for myself. I used the word “need” and I meant it, I need my Princess to enjoy it or else it’s not enjoyable for me.
2) It must be something I do not want and perpetrated on me non-consensually.
What??!!! I want what I don’t want?! That doesn’t make sense! …hence the paradox.
For example, it isn’t cruelty when my Princess commands me to kiss her feet. I have a foot fetish, hello!! She knows this very well, of course, and when she commands me to worship her feet (as she does most every day) it’s wonderful and while it might be a bit humiliating (which is always fun) depending upon the circumstances, it is almost never cruel. Not everything has to be cruel to be wonderful! (see the comments about loving attention earlier)
What about spanking or other S&M? What about bondage? Is that cruelty? The answer for me is that it this issue is very complex. I am still relatively new to experiencing BDSM (a bit over a year) and I am still trying to sort out my own feelings on this confusing paradox. I think of BDSM fun in two ways:
A) Fun without cruelty; BDSM fun can be similar to many other types of fun albeit probably more fun than most other types. However, I do not enjoy pain for its own sake. I admit that I enjoy a bit of spanking and whipping for its own sake but not to any high or moderate level of pain. If S&M were just about pain without any psychology, then for me it’d just need to be slightly painful and that’s about it. Long scenes are good, but without the feeling of non-consensual cruelty, if it involved high or moderate pain then I’d be out the door (and I would probably be out the door even if non-consensual cruelty were involved unless I were restrained!).
B) BDSM fun can feed my desire or need for cruelty, but only if it is done “non-consensually.” I put that in quotes because we all know that it is consensual, I have given my Princess consent to do most anything other than specific limits we have both agreed on, and we have a safe word because we both require that for our own peace of mind.
I do not enjoy pain for its own sake and it is not fun at the moment when I am yelling in pain. This has always been true and I have stated that in previous blog entries describing the details of painful scenes. And my Princess expresses enjoyment at my pain, as I’ve noted many times with comments on this blog such as “How on earth can my Princess enjoy when her loving husband is in agony?!” I love that she enjoys my non-consensual and un-fun-at-the-moment pain. I love that because a) in general I love when she enjoys herself, b) see #1 above, and c) see #2 above.
But do I want BDSM play to be fun at the moment?
The answer right now is … I don’t know and I am still trying to sort out my feelings on it. I believe that the answer is usually no I do not want BDSM play to be fun at the moment, but that is only true if I can really feel the non-consensual cruelty (#2 above). If an S&M scene were to feel like just playing but I am feeling mega-pain beyond #A above, then it’d be too much pain for me to have that kind of fun and so I would need #B to enjoy it.
I feel like a lawyer with all of these clauses and provisos, but my feelings on this are too complex for simple statements. If anyone would like any clarifications feel free to let me know (e-mail, comment on this blog, carrier pigeon, whatever). I suspect that once I started with the party-of-the-first-part nonsense, most anyone reading this would be tuning out.
What about non-pain-related BDSM play? That’s much less complex because A and B merge a bit. There is no such thing as too intense for #A of non-pain-related BDSM play (unless going past limits such as being forced to be naked out in public streets, just as an example, well except in the city of San Francisco where it’s still legal for now, but that’s a different issue!), and with some non-pain-related BDSM play I can still feel the cruelty from that if it’s done with non-consent. If it is done with full consent, it can still be fun too, but not cruel. Hmm, I said “No such thing as too intense of non-pain-related play” – am I being naïve?? Probably!
For clarification, I am not trying to say that BDSM play can’t be fun at the moment for me to enjoy it. A mutually playful mood scene can be very enjoyable, although it might not satiate a craving for cruelty. If it were playful in the sense that my Princess was being playful but I was in legit distress – sort of like The Joker torturing Batman – now that is cruelty!
Aha, but there is a 3rd cruelty criteria which I haven’t mentioned yet. It’s more of a clarification.
3) The cruelty should be a BDSM-type cruelty.
For example, doing a household chore (such as cleaning the bathroom) does not fit this for me. Chores and other non-BDSM-type tasks fit very well into my being a slave and of course it fits well into being a good husband – both of which I want in addition to the other things I am discussing in this entry – but it does not fit into my craving for suffering sadistic cruelty. Being a chore slave does fit into many sub’s deep desires and/or kinks, but not mine. I do them and I am glad to do them as a husband and slave, and I truly want to be my Princess’ slave husband, but I don’t consider that part of my deep desire for cruelty.
I have mentioned “being forced” a few times because that’s at the heart of the non-consensuality I crave. People ask me from time to time “Would you enjoy this?” and they mention some BDSM activity or toy. My answer is pretty much always “If my Princess would enjoy it (see #1 above) and if it is done to me without my consent (see #2), then almost certainly yes as long as it is within the limits my Princess and I have discussed.”
But would I truly enjoy it? There are a bazillion activities in BDSM and how can I say that I would enjoy it? Well, other than some activities which are beyond our limits, I would enjoy it because it is not the specific activities I would enjoy, it’s the feelings behind the activities. So just pull up a list of BDSM activities and I would go yes yes limit yes yes limit yes yes yes! (no I am not Meg Ryan!). For clarification, I would dislike it being done to me but I would love it if my Princess would enjoy it, the paradox.
So just to summarize, I love being treated with openly loving affection by my Princess, and I love being treated with sadistically cruel treatment by my Princess. I sort of look at this as having two opposing entities within myself. Please don’t call my Sybil, though, it’s not nearly that extreme lol.
And if I am asked what I want, I try to channel both of those entities into a single answer, which is very difficult, let me tell you. Do you enjoy being hurt? No I just want to be loved! Yes destroy me and make me scream for hours! The real answer is “if my Princess would enjoy it and if it is done to me without my consent, then yes” (I know that I am a broken record here).
That touches on another subject which is fantasy vs reality. In my fantasy I would love to be chained up 24 hours a day. Heck, let’s go for the whole ball of wax, 24 hours of continuous horrifying torture! Really now Ted, are you sure you would like that? Yes in my wild fantasies! Or even to be able to take a long and thorough beating. But I’m a very realistic person and know that I can only take so much, and that “so much” is probably not that much at all compared to those who are physically masochistic and enjoy pain for its own sake, or even compared to those who are just hardier than I am. In other words, I realize that I’m a wimp and I’m okay with that. I’m not in any competition and I don’t enjoy pain anyway, just the emotions associated with pain.
Where does my Princess stand on all of this? She enjoys perpetrating non-consensual cruelty on me, though not to an extreme. She could never get away with doing that when she was a child or teenager, or even with me before she became my Princess late in 2011, but now she can do it with whatever abandon she wants (as long as she doesn’t damage her property, which is something neither of us want at all) and her naturally sadistic giggles and body language are simply wonderful. Because she knows that I love being treated with non-consensual cruelty, that gives her free reign and she enjoys it. And when she traveling out of state such as visiting her family, she misses being able to be cruel to me and when she gets back she seems to have pent up cruelty to perpetrate on me. Welcome home Princess! Ouch!!!
I always knew that we were a great match for each other, and now that she is my Princess we are an even greater match.
One clarification about this sub or slave, myself, posting comments seeming to dictating things – such as “Cruelty must be …” and this long drawn-out post about what I enjoy or want – is that actually I am only stating my desires and in some cases my needs. Stating one’s desires and needs is not something that I as a sub or slave should avoid. And from what I read, the vast majority of BDSM dominants (definitely including my Princess) want to know the feelings of their subs. But it can be a slippery slope. I want this I want that I want those I want it, when does it end?! That’s a slope I really feel uncomfortable with and go out of my way to avoid it, possibly to a fault. This particular blog post is an attempt to rectify my going too far in the other direction. And from what I have read from friends and also on Mistress Ivey’s blog (which I linked above), some other subs have these same sorts of issues about cruelty and it motivated me to put in my two cents to give readers one sub’s perspective on it.
Do you have any thoughts on this issue of cruelty which you would like to share? Do you identify with this mindset of cruelty, either as a dominant or a sub? Please feel free to post in the comments.
I wrote the above and then let it sit for several hours in case I thought of any changes I wanted to make. When I arrived home from work late this afternoon my Princess was still getting home so I jumped in the shower so she could come home to a clean slave (well, clean on the outside but dirty on the inside). She arrived in the bathroom which we share when I was just finishing up and to my surprise and delight she entered in with me. I knew that her taking a shower right after getting home meant that I would be providing oral service soon so I was glad for that, not to mention having the most beautiful woman in the world naked with me in the shower.
Okay, sorry for the gush there (well, not really sorry). She told me to sit on the small shelf in the shower and she faced me so I figured she wanted to lean down a bit to kiss with me on a bit lower level. It was a big awkward with the water spraying somewhat into my face and onto her back, and dribbling on my legs, but I paid very little attention to that.
Except that she had a strange look on her face. Had I done something wrong? Maybe she is waiting for me to say I love you again? No, it’s a different look altogether. Hmmm. So I asked her if something is wrong and she joked that she peed on me.
I laughed. She has told me several times before that she is not interested in that. I’ve never done anything like that, either, and it’s not a primary desire of mine, though as I’ve stated many times (including in this blog post) I enjoy just about everything my Princess wants to do. We both laughed at her teasing me that she was peeing on me.
Then she said “No really, and I’m still peeing on you now.”
Wait, what? Really? Yes really, and she didn’t even seem self-conscious about it. WTF! Thinking about what I had stated in this blog post I said “But I didn’t consent to that!” and she knew that I meant that as a compliment lol.
She really did pee on me. It wasn’t that strange of a feeling and I wouldn’t have known it at all if she didn’t say anything, there was already plenty of water dribbling on my crotch and legs from the shower and when she was done using me completely inappropriately (and I mean that of course in a good way), she allowed me to use some more soap to clean myself off.
As I dried myself off from the shower, though, it seemed like I couldn’t get my upper thighs dry and even 10 minutes later as I was getting ready to perform my next slave task (a very pleasant one) I felt like there was acid or something on my thigh. My Princess taunting me several times made the matter even worse. Waaaaaaa.