Jan 31, 2013 — Super Bowl humiliation bet, and punishment

Another sub guy and I have made a bet on the upcoming Super Bowl this weekend.  pedicuresub from FetLife does a great job giving free pedicures to ladies in the Baltimore area (pictures from some of the pedicures he gives are on his FetLife profile https://fetlife.com/users/106214) and in his hasty foolishness has bet that my San Francisco 49ers will bow to his Baltimore Ravens in the Super Bowl.  It’s football so anything can happen but this will be a whipping and humiliation in favor of the 49ers so the risk level for me is low.

Here is a thread where I describe the bet and my Princess has a few interest things to say:  https://fetlife.com/users/1261175/posts/1384115.

Here is the bet:

When my San Francisco 49ers win he will need to paint his toenails scarlet (or red) and gold and take a somewhat close-up picture of his feet including all of his toes with a sign “Lost a Super Bowl bet to ted_subby.”  That will be his profile picture for one week after which it will just be one of his pictures.

On the almost astronomically improbable chance that his Baltimore Ravens win then I would wear a pair of my dominant wife Princess’ purple panties to work for one week (5 business days since sometimes I take a day off work) with the Ravens winning score written clearly on my left butt cheek and the 49ers losing score written clearly on my right butt cheek.  My Princess would then take a picture of my butt showing both cheeks with the writing and showing the purple panties.  I would post that with my other pictures and I would caption it “Lost a Super Bowl bet to pedicuresub.”

So to avoid inflicting a picture of my behind to the world, let’s all root for the 49ers and check out pedicuresub’s painted toenails!  And to my foot fetish friends, you’re welcome in advance lol.

On a separate topic, I have written many times that my Princess and I do not have a punishment dynamic.  I’m beginning to think that’s in the past tense.

Most every morning in which I go to work, my Princess tells me “Go make me money!” in a FinDom Princess sort of tone of voice, it’s funny.  A few mornings ago she said that and also reminded me of my morning task of turning on the stove to boil water for her coffee and adding a spoonful of coffee to one of her cups.  I got out of bed and went into the kitchen, and then veered towards the bathroom.  As I was shaving, my Princess burst open the bathroom door and my heart fell to the floor.  How on earth could I forget to start the stove for her coffee?  I started to run past her to the kitchen but she said that she had already started the water.

She and I basically never get angry, and the rare times we do it isn’t anger at each other.  We really don’t even get frustrated at each other, though it’s not never.  I’ll go farther to say that if one of us does something the other isn’t crazy about, we rarely even give it a second thought because we love each other so much that we don’t sweat the small stuff.  If it isn’t small then we talk about it calmly with no negative feelings associated.  This isn’t how marriage is supposed to be — according to all of my pre-marriage years of hearing men and women complain about their spouses — but really it is how my Princess and I need it to be because we hate drama or even negative feelings.  We are extremely compatible.

The reason I bring that up here is that my Princess was not angry or frustrated, but I could immediately see something in her, a quality I couldn’t quite identify.  It had some disappointment but something else, too.  A bit later, as I left for work she made a comment about my being a bad slave, and I don’t remember if she said it or if I just read between the lines that there would be a reckoning at some point for my transgression.

When I got home from work in the late afternoon my Princess had an even more pronounced whatever-that-was look on her face and I knew it’d be an interesting afternoon.  She told me to strip and get on my belly to kiss her feet, something which is basically a nice ritual for us most days, and then she picked up my belt.

The belt hurts and if you have read my blog before you probably know that I do not like pain.  I love pain she inflicts but I don’t like it.  I go into that earlier this month with the paradox.  Anyway, I was excited about the whipping as I always am and after just a few blows she had me turn over on my back.  She started whipping my groin, something she rarely does.  She had a different sort of sadistic smile on her face, seeing that I was suffering and trying to cover myself, and she told me to lock my fingers behind my head.  She looked very satisfied that I was suffering, not the usual enjoyment at my suffering, more like a satisfaction of justice.  I couldn’t take much of that and rolled around until she stopped whipping me, after probably 45 seconds.  I was lucky that she didn’t restrain me.

So that was my funishment.  Or so I thought.  It was play and we don’t have a punishment dynamic.  Or so I thought.  When I stood up she told me that for the rest of the evening I was not allowed on FetLife and not allowed to access any BDSM on the internet whatsoever including my nrjb2 account, this blog, posts from my friends I’ve met on FetLife, nothing.

At that moment I identified what I had seen in her earlier.  Determination.  She was going to discipline me, and she went through with it.

I am not sure if she was surprised by my reaction but I took the punishment without whining even one bit.  I think I even avoided having any nanosecond of negative facial reaction.  I wanted to be a good boy for my Princess and take my punishment, giving a clear message that I 100% respect her authority because I do.

It felt like I was in prison of sorts.  I was being treated like a punished little boy, controlled, and I had no recourse.  I browsed a few sports sites or whatever but I did not disobey.

I believe that my Princess felt particularly empowered by doing this because she was very demanding for most of the night.  There was a quality in her of something, I’m not sure if I could describe it except to say a quality of dominance.  She always knows that I will obey but that night she seemed to flaunt it and enjoy it even more than usual.  I felt more like a slave that night than most any other night, not because of the punishment (which didn’t have that much effect considering how much I was attending to her whims) but because of my Princess’ attitude and enjoyment of her dominance.

In other words, it was a wonderful night.

The next morning I ridiculously transgressed again.  I forgot to make the bed as I got up.  My Princess added more time to my BDSM internet denial punishment.  And that late afternoon I transgressed again, forgetting to let her smell me right after my shower and lotion, so she banned me again from accessing my BDSM information for an additional 2 hours that night.

I’m going to cut myself some slack (i.e. not beat myself up) that I am new to this, especially new to the level of dominance in which transgressions are punished.

I thanked my Princess a few times for guiding me to be the slave she wants me to be, and I hope to improve over time.

Jan 22, 2013 – Bossy Princess, communication, and foot fetish

I seem to be combining different posts lately, with more than one topic per blog.  I rarely blog about my foot fetish other than to briefly mention it but in the second half of this entry I will go into some detail.

My dominant wife Princess has always been bossy.  From what she tells me, as a child and even up until she met me she had to be careful not to be too bossy because she didn’t like people complaining about it.  She is not bossy in the sense that she just sits and tells others what to do, she usually works harder than anyone around her to get things the way she wants them to be.  Once she met me over 15 years ago she still reined in her bossiness until she became comfortable that I love her for her, bossy and all.  This was before she became my Princess a bit over a year ago.

Up until she became my Princess she was even then my Princess.  She knows that except in a few areas I do not have strong or really any preferences and after some time she became comfortable in telling me the way she wants it.  We would talk about how great it was that she would tell me what she wants rather than make me guess.  It’s much easier for me to be told than to have to wonder whether or not I am doing what she wants, and by the way that is a common complaint I hear from vanilla husbands who have to guess what their Princess … er, wife … wants and then they don’t like when problems occur once they guess wrong.  That said, before she became my Princess she would still hold back because it’s not really seemly for mostly vanilla people to boss others around.

Now that she is officially my Princess, though, she can let her bossiness free on me without holding it back.  But that is easier said than done.  I handed her the authority but we love each other so she didn’t want to run roughshod over me.  The point of this blog entry, though, is that she has become much more comfortable bossing me around over the months.

This is great.  I knew once we began our journey into BDSM that having a slave around the house, to further help with chores (some of which I had never done before, even when I was single) and to have me as a servant to wait on her hand and foot, would be something my Princess would enjoy.  It’s gratifying to know that I was right!  I can hear that the hesitance in her voice about bossing me around throughout the day is gone.  Referring to my Princess as bossy is a compliment.  I am her 24/7 slave, she knows it, I know that she knows it, and she knows that I know that she knows it.

In my blog post from last year http://www.assdisc.com/blog/?p=115 I listed my view of the three “S”s of submission:  Service (chores and being a servant), Servicing (sensual and sexual submission), and Suffering (S&M, humiliation, etc.).  My kink, as I mentioned in my most recent blog post, is Suffering.  I also enjoy Servicing and am pleased to find that this is a big part of our dynamic.  As I mentioned in that post last year I do not particularly enjoy service but I consider that as part of the whole and if it were gone I would feel incomplete as a sub or slave.

That brings me to communication.  I frequently see posts on FetLife from dominant women (I do not go to message boards with dominant men) about the importance of transparency, for their sub to tell them everything.  The language used by some dominant women about this topic implies that they would like to know everything which goes on in their sub’s mind, thoughts and feelings.

I don’t have an opinion about others’ dynamics but I just don’t see how that 100% transparency would work for me at all.  Bonimiss in her most recent blog post at http://bonbon.kinky-blogging.com/2013/01/16/transparency-2/ talks about this.  As human beings, not just as submissives, we need to decide when to talk and when not to talk.  It’s probably more important for a sub to reveal their thoughts than it is for someone vanilla, due to the nature of D/s, but for me to reveal every thought of the moment would lead to both my Princess and me going crazy, I think.  Here are some minor examples:

1) “Lifting that chair to move it made me feel a very slight discomfort in my arm for a few seconds.”  Why on earth would my Princess want to know that?  At age 49 that’s pretty standard for me and to say it each time is pointless in my view.

2) “I would have preferred to keep typing my e-mail at this moment than to have to get up to refill your large cup with water again.”  What kind of talk is that from a slave?  It’s completely unnecessary and just presents a bad attitude, something I don’t at all want to present.  And worse, my Princess might react over time to something like #1 and #2 with a reduced role in slavery for me.  And eventually with that we might become … vanilla! lol

3) “Today I want to experience more BDSM-type suffering.”  This one is tricky.  My Princess already knows that I would love as much suffering as she would enjoy perpetrating on me, from the frequent times we talk about BDSM.  Would it be helpful to state in this more direct way?  Maybe.  But that brings me to a different factor which is that if I say that I want something BDSM-related, then I do not want it.  (More on that below.)

Does that mean I hide how I feel?  No, not at all.  I don’t want my Princess to have to guess and if she asks me then I will answer.  Or if I am feeling something which is relevant or interesting, then I’ll say it.  Communication is very important and this entry is not supposed to imply otherwise.  I’m just using what I believe is common sense that communication is knowing when to say and when not to say something.  It actually took my Princess and me about a year to get our communication level down to where it became very comfortable for us, that first year was difficult due to learning how best to communicate with each other.

“If I say that I want something BDSM-related, then I do not want it.”  What on earth do I mean by this?  It goes back to the paradox in my most recent blog post.  My kink of enjoying BDSM-type suffering is for it to be as non-consensual from my Princess as possible (within the limits we have agreed on).  If I were to say that I want something, and then it occurs, that completely loses the non-consensual aspect of it for me.  That’s part of my kink.  My Princess and I both wish that I could just say “I want X” and then she can decide whether or not she wanted X, and then we could both get our kink satisfied.  But that doesn’t work for me in regards to BDSM.

I could still enjoy something without getting my “non-consensual” kink fulfilled, very much so.  And certainly for non-BDSM activities (whether sexual or anything else) I am good with saying what I want.

Fortunately for me, along with my desire to have “non-consensual” BDSM-type things perpetrated on me is that I am not specific in my desires, really anything would be great other than outside of the limits we have discussed.  So during a calm time when I am not suffering, when my Princess asks me “Would you enjoy X?” my answer is always sincerely “Yes, I love everything BDSM-related you do to me or you have me do, as long as you would enjoy it.”

Would that frustrate you as a dominant?  For your sub to basically say “Whatever you want is good with me”?  I read on FetLife that it does frustrate some dominant women, because they want to match up compatibility before starting a relationship.  And I can certainly understand that, it is important to try to match compatibility even if you have to go out of your comfort zone in articulating what you enjoy.  This issue slightly frustrates my Princess because she would prefer me to just communicate what I want, but since I want almost everything what specifically would I communicate?  More importantly, though, if I say I want it then I do not want it so the more activities I say that I want the fewer activities I would actually enjoy.

That seems silly, from a kink standpoint for BDSM activities if I say I want it then I do not want it.  Nevertheless it’s true for me.

That said, I have no such paradox issue letting my Princess know that I love worshipping her bare feet.

I feel apologetic about feeling slightly apologetic on this blog about my foot fetish.  I feel that some who may read this male submission blog might not at all enjoy reading about my foot fetish (which is only slightly related to submission at all) so I don’t usually go into any details.  But I should not feel that way because if someone doesn’t like reading about feet then they can just skip that section.

The main reason, though, why I don’t blog much about my foot fetish is that it is sexual for me, unlike BDSM, and I prefer not to blog details about our sex life.  That may seem strange considering how detailed I get about all sorts of intimate BDSM activities and feelings, including male chastity (which involves some detailed entries about sex), but BDSM and sex are not particularly intertwined for either my Princess or me so I feel much more comfortable going into detail about BDSM.

I knew that I enjoyed BDSM-type suffering (whipping with a flexible implement, to be specific about my first notions) when I was in my late teens but my foot fetish began when I was around 8-10 years old, long before I became aware of my own sexuality.  It took me about a decade to fully accept my foot fetish and not try to fight against it or think that I would “grow out of it.”  Gender was not a factor for me because feet were not sexual for me at that time.

Consequently, the one BDSM and foot fetish experience I had in my 20s was not at all sexual for me.  After I answered a newspaper ad (before the internet) and we spoke on the phone, we met and I was whipped naked and made to lick his bare feet for about 15 minutes.  Yes, a guy.  Wow it was great.  I had fantasized for many years about just such a scene and worried whether the reality could live up to the fantasy.  Reality even exceeded the fantasy and to this day I can still remember quite vividly, almost as if I am there, the wonderful humiliation when my face was inches from his bare feet and I had to stick my tongue out.  As anyone who reads my fictional stories from my web site knows, my fantasies get quite wild but I can say that reality was even better than fantasy for this experience.  Maybe someday I will write a detailed story about my experience, except it’d be non-fiction and not fiction.

Another reality which is much better than fantasy is marriage.  I was luckier than winning a lottery in a whole lot of ways with my Princess, and one way is that she accepts my foot fetish fantasies.  Did I mention accept?  It seems more than that.  From time to time she paints a verbal picture into my ear of scenarios in which I am forced to worship guys’ feet, and humiliates me with reminders that I have had to suffer the experience already.  By the way, my Princess will be pre-reading this and if she wants me to remove this section as being too personal then it will be gone, if it’s still here then it’s been approved.

I am contacted from time to time by guys who enjoy my fictional stories, especially the foot fetish ones Fantasy Football and more recently Locker Room Feet.  As you probably know, foot fetish is very common among guys and FetLife has plenty of good foot fetish groups.  Personally, I fantasize about feet a whole lot, in addition to fantasizing about being dominated.  Out of my two or three dozen fictional stories, though, only two are specifically about feet although several others have some foot worship in them.

I believe that the reason I don’t write nearly as much fiction about feet as I do about submission is that a big part of my joy of feet is sensual/sexual and it is not easy for me to write about sensuality.  By contrast, the joy for me in the suffering of BDSM submission is mostly mental and emotional, and that is much easier for me to put on a page.  How can I describe anything more than “I love the feel of feet on my lips”?  That’d be it, end of story.  Fortunately, there is also a mental and emotional side of my enjoyment of feet.

Here are the two main things I enjoy about feet.  And by the way, different people with a foot fetish will often have very different things they enjoy.  There are a lot of varieties of enjoyment and what one person enjoys could very well be extremely un-fun to someone else, despite both having a foot fetish.

1) I love the feeling of the skin of my Princess’ bare feet against my lips or fingers (but not my groin, some guys love that but I would rather feel something else there such as my Princess’ hands or better yet her groin).  I am very glad and thankful to say that I worship my Princess’ bare feet with my mouth pretty much every day and often more than just once in a day.  I don’t say mention my gratitude lightly, it is amazing fortune for me that my Princess actively enjoys me worshipping her feet.  And she really does enjoy it, right from the first time we met in person (after meeting online).  All of the service I provide (as I mentioned in the three “S”s of submission above) is worth it for the privilege of worshipping her bare feet.

2) I enjoy the humiliation factor of being “forced” (my favorite) or actively submitting to worship feet, which do not necessarily need to be bare but it helps.  I actively submit to my Princess’ feet, of course, and sometimes she forces me such as almost every morning when we wake up as she swings her legs to put her bare feet in my face.  I don’t know how she does it but once her feet find my face she is able to adjust one foot to force her big toe in my mouth without stumbling around in the dark trying to find my mouth, and then she removes that toe and forces the other big toe in my mouth.  Being forced in this way is somewhat humiliating and makes me feel submissive as I suck on her toe.  Usually after a few minutes she tells me to flip over to provide servicing to her and I will just leave it at that.

The thing about humiliation and feet, though, is that worshipping my Princess’ feet is too wonderful to be particularly humiliating.  There’s nothing against my will or “non-consensual” about it, and that is great by me because worshipping her feet is wonderful all on its own.  But that’s why I write about M/m foot worship in my fictional stories, because that really would be humiliating to me.  When I try to read F/m forced foot worship stories, they are mildly interesting but stories to me are about the mentalities and emotions, not about sensuality or sexuality, so the appeal of those for me are limited unless written very well to focus on humiliation.  By contrast, M/m forced foot worship stories are very enjoyable to me because for me that is pretty much all about the mentality and emotion of humiliation.

Most of the guys who have contacted me after reading my two foot fetish stories seem to share my view about humiliation being much more pronounced in M/m forced foot worship scenarios.  Everyone has their own likes and viewpoints, of course, so the reasons behind it vary but I greatly enjoy reading others’ comments about their own dynamics or desires regardless of whether or not they are close to my own.

Also, to my surprise I have been told by a few women that they enjoy M/m forced foot fetish scenarios.  I really shouldn’t be surprised at all that some kinky women enjoy M/m scenarios.  I’ve always known that many guys enjoy watching or reading about female-only scenarios so it’s not surprising that some or many women enjoy watching or reading about male-only scenarios.

In any case, I am going to try to make an effort to put many of my foot fetish fantasies onto page, as I did recently for the story Locker Room Feet.  It’s not as if I would have to struggle to determine a fantasy to relate, I would just need to make it interesting to read.

So why am I slightly hesitant about blogging about my foot fetish at all?  I don’t know.  Just from typing the above I feel a bit uncomfortable, as if I might be judged (?).  After all of the intimate details I have blogged in the past year about in terms of pain and humiliation I have suffered from my Princess, not to mention some detailed posts about male chastity and orgasm control, this blog post doesn’t seem wild to me so I shouldn’t feel a bit uncomfortable.

Jan 10, 2013 – The paradox of cruelty

That sounds like the title of a trashy novel, or maybe a trashy political article, and at some point I might turn this into a Submissive Guide (http://www.submissiveguide.com) article, but for now it’s off the cuff as a blog entry.

By the way, if you just want to skip to a BDSM-related anecdote which happened today without reading the mumbo-jumbo philosophy below which is related to the title of this blog, feel free to scroll down to near the end of this post to the heading Anecdote.

On their very enjoyable blogs Mistress Ivey (http://mistressivey.blogspot.com/2013/01/please-be-mean.html) and Mistress Scarlett (in the comments of http://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/2012/12/20/more-christmas-presents/) have recently mentioned the idea that their submissives enjoy or need for these Mistresses to be mean or cruel.  Obviously not all subs like for their dominants to ever be cruel but I enjoy or need some level of cruelty from my Princess and I want to address this issue.

Wait, really?  I want my kind and loving Princess to be cruel to me?  But do I want her to be loving towards me?  Yes and yes, cruel and loving, hence the paradox.

I believe that most everyone wants their spouse to act lovingly towards them, however that is manifested (which depends upon the individual).  I’m no different, or actually I’m even needier than probably the “average” person and I really cherish loving attention from my Princess.  The smile in her face when she treats me in a loving way – smiling because she enjoys treating me that way – is priceless.  And it’s not just because she is enjoying it and I am submitting to it (so to speak), I enjoy her loving affection for its own sake.  If that were to ever stop for whatever reason, such as my Princess becoming mean and cruel 24/7, that would be a tragedy.  Fortunately, that’s never going to happen.

So we’re all set, right?  My Princess and I treat each other with a whole lot of loving kindness and I also serve her with obedience and attentiveness as her sub or slave.  That last sentence is true, but let’s not go so fast on the conclusions there.  I also want/need to be treated by her with cruelty.  In addition, she has a sadistic side which enjoys treating me with cruelty.  In that last sentence I refer to her feelings, and referring to someone else’s feelings is never a 100% proposition, but I feel very confident that she does enjoy treating me with some amount of cruelty because of her reactions (such as giggling and the glee I see on her face) and also we discuss these issues frequently.

What do I mean by cruelty?  Is that just my Princess doing certain things to me such as giving me a spanking or whipping?  I suspect that for many subs who enjoy or need cruelty, the answer may be yes, specific activities are desired.  In my case of course there are many activities which are out of bounds (cutting off my arm, just as an extreme example) except that I do not have specific activities in mind (well, I admit that I enjoy spanking and whipping a bit more than most anything else).  I am open to a world of BDSM activities, a bit over-eager like a puppy in a candy store or whatever other mixed metaphor I can come up with.  My “criteria” for what fits into the cruelty I enjoy or need is the following:

Cruelty Criteria

1) My Princess must enjoy perpetrating it on me or else I would not enjoy it.

Honestly.  And it’s #1 on my list.

I know that many subs are fine with their dominant appeasing them by doing specific activities and there are many who have a dynamic in which dominants give their sub a gift.  And that is fine, I certainly respect others’ dynamics and I do not mean to speak for them, compromise or gifts can be a great thing for some.  For me, though, I need my Princess to enjoy it or else it’s not enjoyable for me.  I suspect that many other subs also feel this way but I can really only speak for myself.  I used the word “need” and I meant it, I need my Princess to enjoy it or else it’s not enjoyable for me.

2) It must be something I do not want and perpetrated on me non-consensually.

What??!!!  I want what I don’t want?!  That doesn’t make sense!  …hence the paradox.

For example, it isn’t cruelty when my Princess commands me to kiss her feet.  I have a foot fetish, hello!!  She knows this very well, of course, and when she commands me to worship her feet (as she does most every day) it’s wonderful and while it might be a bit humiliating (which is always fun) depending upon the circumstances, it is almost never cruel.  Not everything has to be cruel to be wonderful!  (see the comments about loving attention earlier)

What about spanking or other S&M?  What about bondage?  Is that cruelty?  The answer for me is that it this issue is very complex.  I am still relatively new to experiencing BDSM (a bit over a year) and I am still trying to sort out my own feelings on this confusing paradox.  I think of BDSM fun in two ways:

A) Fun without cruelty; BDSM fun can be similar to many other types of fun albeit probably more fun than most other types.  However, I do not enjoy pain for its own sake.  I admit that I enjoy a bit of spanking and whipping for its own sake but not to any high or moderate level of pain.  If S&M were just about pain without any psychology, then for me it’d just need to be slightly painful and that’s about it.  Long scenes are good, but without the feeling of non-consensual cruelty, if it involved high or moderate pain then I’d be out the door (and I would probably be out the door even if non-consensual cruelty were involved unless I were restrained!).

B) BDSM fun can feed my desire or need for cruelty, but only if it is done “non-consensually.”  I put that in quotes because we all know that it is consensual, I have given my Princess consent to do most anything other than specific limits we have both agreed on, and we have a safe word because we both require that for our own peace of mind.

I do not enjoy pain for its own sake and it is not fun at the moment when I am yelling in pain.  This has always been true and I have stated that in previous blog entries describing the details of painful scenes.  And my Princess expresses enjoyment at my pain, as I’ve noted many times with comments on this blog such as “How on earth can my Princess enjoy when her loving husband is in agony?!”  I love that she enjoys my non-consensual and un-fun-at-the-moment pain.  I love that because a) in general I love when she enjoys herself, b) see #1 above, and c) see #2 above.

But do I want BDSM play to be fun at the moment?

The answer right now is … I don’t know and I am still trying to sort out my feelings on it.  I believe that the answer is usually no I do not want BDSM play to be fun at the moment, but that is only true if I can really feel the non-consensual cruelty (#2 above).  If an S&M scene were to feel like just playing but I am feeling mega-pain beyond #A above, then it’d be too much pain for me to have that kind of fun and so I would need #B to enjoy it.

I feel like a lawyer with all of these clauses and provisos, but my feelings on this are too complex for simple statements.  If anyone would like any clarifications feel free to let me know (e-mail, comment on this blog, carrier pigeon, whatever).  I suspect that once I started with the party-of-the-first-part nonsense, most anyone reading this would be tuning out.

What about non-pain-related BDSM play?  That’s much less complex because A and B merge a bit.  There is no such thing as too intense for #A of non-pain-related BDSM play (unless going past limits such as being forced to be naked out in public streets, just as an example, well except in the city of San Francisco where it’s still legal for now, but that’s a different issue!), and with some non-pain-related BDSM play I can still feel the cruelty from that if it’s done with non-consent.  If it is done with full consent, it can still be fun too, but not cruel.  Hmm, I said “No such thing as too intense of non-pain-related play” – am I being naïve?? Probably!

For clarification, I am not trying to say that BDSM play can’t be fun at the moment for me to enjoy it.  A mutually playful mood scene can be very enjoyable, although it might not satiate a craving for cruelty.  If it were playful in the sense that my Princess was being playful but I was in legit distress – sort of like The Joker torturing Batman – now that is cruelty!

Aha, but there is a 3rd cruelty criteria which I haven’t mentioned yet.  It’s more of a clarification.

3) The cruelty should be a BDSM-type cruelty.

For example, doing a household chore (such as cleaning the bathroom) does not fit this for me.  Chores and other non-BDSM-type tasks fit very well into my being a slave and of course it fits well into being a good husband – both of which I want in addition to the other things I am discussing in this entry – but it does not fit into my craving for suffering sadistic cruelty.  Being a chore slave does fit into many sub’s deep desires and/or kinks, but not mine.  I do them and I am glad to do them as a husband and slave, and I truly want to be my Princess’ slave husband, but I don’t consider that part of my deep desire for cruelty.

I have mentioned “being forced” a few times because that’s at the heart of the non-consensuality I crave.  People ask me from time to time “Would you enjoy this?” and they mention some BDSM activity or toy.  My answer is pretty much always “If my Princess would enjoy it (see #1 above) and if it is done to me without my consent (see #2), then almost certainly yes as long as it is within the limits my Princess and I have discussed.”

But would I truly enjoy it?  There are a bazillion activities in BDSM and how can I say that I would enjoy it?  Well, other than some activities which are beyond our limits, I would enjoy it because it is not the specific activities I would enjoy, it’s the feelings behind the activities.  So just pull up a list of BDSM activities and I would go yes yes limit yes yes limit yes yes yes!  (no I am not Meg Ryan!).  For clarification, I would dislike it being done to me but I would love it if my Princess would enjoy it, the paradox.

So just to summarize, I love being treated with openly loving affection by my Princess, and I love being treated with sadistically cruel treatment by my Princess.  I sort of look at this as having two opposing entities within myself.  Please don’t call my Sybil, though, it’s not nearly that extreme lol.

And if I am asked what I want, I try to channel both of those entities into a single answer, which is very difficult, let me tell you.  Do you enjoy being hurt?  No I just want to be loved!  Yes destroy me and make me scream for hours!  The real answer is “if my Princess would enjoy it and if it is done to me without my consent, then yes” (I know that I am a broken record here).

That touches on another subject which is fantasy vs reality.  In my fantasy I would love to be chained up 24 hours a day.  Heck, let’s go for the whole ball of wax, 24 hours of continuous horrifying torture!  Really now Ted, are you sure you would like that?  Yes in my wild fantasies!  Or even to be able to take a long and thorough beating.  But I’m a very realistic person and know that I can only take so much, and that “so much” is probably not that much at all compared to those who are physically masochistic and enjoy pain for its own sake, or even compared to those who are just hardier than I am.  In other words, I realize that I’m a wimp and I’m okay with that.  I’m not in any competition and I don’t enjoy pain anyway, just the emotions associated with pain.

Where does my Princess stand on all of this?  She enjoys perpetrating non-consensual cruelty on me, though not to an extreme.  She could never get away with doing that when she was a child or teenager, or even with me before she became my Princess late in 2011, but now she can do it with whatever abandon she wants (as long as she doesn’t damage her property, which is something neither of us want at all) and her naturally sadistic giggles and body language are simply wonderful.  Because she knows that I love being treated with non-consensual cruelty, that gives her free reign and she enjoys it.  And when she traveling out of state such as visiting her family, she misses being able to be cruel to me and when she gets back she seems to have pent up cruelty to perpetrate on me.  Welcome home Princess!  Ouch!!!

I always knew that we were a great match for each other, and now that she is my Princess we are an even greater match.

One clarification about this sub or slave, myself, posting comments seeming to dictating things –  such as “Cruelty must be …” and this long drawn-out post about what I enjoy or want – is that actually I am only stating my desires and in some cases my needs.  Stating one’s desires and needs is not something that I as a sub or slave should avoid.  And from what I read, the vast majority of BDSM dominants (definitely including my Princess) want to know the feelings of their subs.  But it can be a slippery slope.  I want this I want that I want those I want it, when does it end?!  That’s a slope I really feel uncomfortable with and go out of my way to avoid it, possibly to a fault.  This particular blog post is an attempt to rectify my going too far in the other direction.  And from what I have read from friends and also on Mistress Ivey’s blog (which I linked above), some other subs have these same sorts of issues about cruelty and it motivated me to put in my two cents to give readers one sub’s perspective on it.

Do you have any thoughts on this issue of cruelty which you would like to share?  Do you identify with this mindset of cruelty, either as a dominant or a sub?  Please feel free to post in the comments.

 

Anecdote

I wrote the above and then let it sit for several hours in case I thought of any changes I wanted to make.  When I arrived home from work late this afternoon my Princess was still getting home so I jumped in the shower so she could come home to a clean slave (well, clean on the outside but dirty on the inside).  She arrived in the bathroom which we share when I was just finishing up and to my surprise and delight she entered in with me.  I knew that her taking a shower right after getting home meant that I would be providing oral service soon so I was glad for that, not to mention having the most beautiful woman in the world naked with me in the shower.

Okay, sorry for the gush there (well, not really sorry).  She told me to sit on the small shelf in the shower and she faced me so I figured she wanted to lean down a bit to kiss with me on a bit lower level.  It was a big awkward with the water spraying somewhat into my face and onto her back, and dribbling on my legs, but I paid very little attention to that.

Except that she had a strange look on her face.  Had I done something wrong?  Maybe she is waiting for me to say I love you again?  No, it’s a different look altogether.  Hmmm.  So I asked her if something is wrong and she joked that she peed on me.

I laughed.  She has told me several times before that she is not interested in that.  I’ve never done anything like that, either, and it’s not a primary desire of mine, though as I’ve stated many times (including in this blog post) I enjoy just about everything my Princess wants to do.  We both laughed at her teasing me that she was peeing on me.

Then she said “No really, and I’m still peeing on you now.”

Wait, what?  Really?  Yes really, and she didn’t even seem self-conscious about it. WTF!  Thinking about what I had stated in this blog post I said “But I didn’t consent to that!” and she knew that I meant that as a compliment lol.

She really did pee on me.  It wasn’t that strange of a feeling and I wouldn’t have known it at all if she didn’t say anything, there was already plenty of water dribbling on my crotch and legs from the shower and when she was done using me completely inappropriately (and I mean that of course in a good way), she allowed me to use some more soap to clean myself off.

As I dried myself off from the shower, though, it seemed like I couldn’t get my upper thighs dry and even 10 minutes later as I was getting ready to perform my next slave task (a very pleasant one) I felt like there was acid or something on my thigh.  My Princess taunting me several times made the matter even worse.  Waaaaaaa.

Jan 2, 2013 – 2012 was a BDSM year

Happy New Year!

2012 was the year that after over 15 years of marriage my Princess began to take control.  Looking back those dozen years ago it is interesting to see how things have progressed to now when I am chained to the wall 23 hours a day and … oops, this is my blog and not a fictional story, I forgot!

On FetLife I see threads from time to time with something like “How do I help my wife overcome her reluctance to hurt me more?”  The answer varies by individual, of course, but in my case I asked my Princess if she would be interested in my writing a script for her to follow, just one time, so she can have a bunch of good ideas and also see what I can take.  She said yes and I sensed that she wasn’t just saying that just to appease me, so in early March I wrote out a one hour torture script here:  http://www.assdisc.com/blog/?p=42.  What I didn’t tell her is that since I had never experience any BDSM torture longer than the 15 minutes or so she had perpetrated on me up until that time, this was also a good test for me on whether my mouth writes a check my butt can’t cash.

Looking back, going into the scene I was scared.  My primary concern was whether my Princess would enjoy it or if I was going too far with driving the bus, but I was more scared about whether or not I could take it.  I don’t like pain.  No really.  It hurts!  And as I learned in that hour as well as subsequently, I rarely get a noticeable rush of endorphins.  So it’s all pain and what I get out of it is the feeling of being victimized for my Princess’ sadistic whims.  Now there were few of her whims on that night because she used a script I created, but this was a one-time thing and we did not use a script after that (I go as far out of my way as I can in order to avoid driving the bus).  I wasn’t sure how much my Princess would deviate from the script but she followed it almost to the letter.

Here is my blog entry the next day: http://www.assdisc.com/blog/?p=46 .  Geez that hurt!  I am surprised that my Princess’ ear drums were not hurting that night, I’m a loud one.

Other memorable times I blogged about in 2012 were when I met at a BDSM club a couple of people I know through FetLife, when I went to my first munch, my visits with my Princess to Mr. S. leather, and really all of the times my Princess has tormented me at her whim (I love that!) some of which I have blogged about.

2012 also had me continuing to write BDSM fiction, although my productivity level on that is not quite as high now as it was early in the year.  Also, two out of the past few fictional stories I have written have been darker than my usual, including injury, mutilation, and possibly snuff.  Yecch, that is definitely not my kink.  Unlike most of my other stories, these darker ones do not represent a side of me, they are just stories I wanted to tell.  Still, I felt after writing them that my mouth should be washed out with soap lol.  My next story I am working on is something nice and kind, about domestic discipline (DD), well maybe that’s not always nice and kind.  DD is a mentality I don’t quite fully understand – wait, spanking is supposed to be punishment? – but I have been reading up on it for months so I believe that I can put together a story which makes sense.

From time to time I receive positive feedback on my foot fetish stories so I may write a few more of those in 2013.  The story Locker Room Feet, which is basically a quintessential fantasy for me, came about by someone e-mailing me (my e-mail address is nrjb2@yahoo.com) that he liked my Fantasy Football story and suggested a locker room scene for a story.  I wrote Locker Room Feet in just a few hours as it just tumbled out of my head, mostly already formed.  I recently posted Fantasy Football to Literotica.com but they put that story in the “gay male” section instead of the “fetish” section so some readers expecting gay male action were rather disappointed that it was only a mostly psychological story about feet, and gave it not-so-good scores.  One negative comment was about how disturbing the story was, and I agree with that but I guess that commenter should read some of my other stories if he really wants to read something disturbing lol.  If I post more to Literotica (from the stories already on my site) it’ll be a F/m BDSM story so it can be put in the BDSM section of the site.

In the past couple of weeks our D/s dynamic has been a bit different.  My Princess was out of town and now she is under the weather (she will be fine in a few more days).  I look back at before BDSM entered our lives over a year ago, and how when she is sick I used to wait on her hand and foot.  What am I, a slave?! lol  For many years I was glad to do that when she was sick and now is no different except that nowadays my level of slavery is not really any higher when she is sick than when she isn’t.  Now she is my Princess all of the time, whether or not she feels fine.  She hasn’t been feeling very bad, though, and a few times has even grabbed the wartenberg wheel to hold my ankle and torture me with it, laughing at my reactions (reaction junkie!).  And of course she calls me a baby for groaning and crying out in pain.  But Princess, it hurts!  If that is what it takes for my Princess to feel a bit better, I am willing to make that sacrifice (re-stated: thank you Princess for tormenting me even when you don’t feel well).