Aug 28, 2012 – Introverted and shy, my first munch!

Ok, I need to try to process what happened.  Oh, stop over-thinking.  The easy truth is that I enjoyed myself and met some very nice and interesting people.  I had indicated a couple of days ago on the thread within FetLife for this specific munch that I would be there in my glasses and powder blue shirt and when I showed up I was greeted by someone very nice (thank you to you), which was a big help in getting over whatever nerves I had about meeting people I had never met.

Then a few others sat near us and conversation was easy and natural.  The munch Master had everyone introduce themselves individually and while I was a bit nervous (being introverted and shy and all of that), it was fun and I said what I wanted to say.  I turned in the other direction to join in on the discussion in that direction and that was almost all about BDSM which was right up my alley.

The end.

(Names withheld because it isn’t cool to mention names without consent.)

Yeah right, “the end” my rear-end.  That’s not how this blog works!

Ok, I need to try to process what happened.  Didn’t I already say that?  I need to provide some background on why things are not as simple as the above.

10,000 years ago before the elder races – oops, wrong opening, that is from the Babylon 5 TV show.

Back when I was born – no that’s too far.

I have always been introverted and shy (another repeated message in this blog).  When I get in groups of more than 3 people I often become uninterested and do not join in on the conversation.  Most of the conversations people have are not that interesting to me (sorry if that seems snobbish but my enjoyment span for conversation topics is not all that large when I am just listening, I start looking around for a PC game to play or something) and I often have a difficult time interjecting a word in edgewise.  After 10-15 minutes of listening to something uninteresting, I become bored, and longer than that it can become a real chore.  Family get-togethers, meetings at work (unless the work topic was something I could talk about), etc. are really very tough for me, I can’t even describe how tough.  Maybe some of you other introverts know exactly what I am talking about?

So why go to a munch when it is groups of more than 3 people talking?  Because BDSM is a topic about which I can chat or talk for hours (oh, you haven’t noticed that? lol).  If there is some other talk interspersed, that is okay too.  I was somewhat “warned” that some munches have little to no BDSM talk but I was okay with that risk, my expectations were not to chat about BDSM all of the time and if there was no BDSM talk then nothing ventured nothing gained.

But that brings up why go to a munch at all?  I am not looking for any play partners, lovers, or anything else like that because I am monogamously married to literally the best woman in the world for me.  I don’t know the answer to the question really.  I have been enjoying meeting people through FetLife or e-mail from those who read my web page writings.  I have been going into the “Submissive men and women who love them” group chatroom from time to time and greatly enjoy meeting people there.  I am not shy or introverted in online chatrooms (quite the opposite most of the time) back from before I met my wife or even now.  I am energized chatting and messaging with people (about BDSM), which is basically the definition of being an extrovert.  I don’t remember whether my wife or I transferred this to the idea of going to a munch but maybe I would be energized there?

Or maybe I would just sit like a lump on a log and not talk to anyone as I would in most other groups of people.

My wife was not interested in going to a munch, probably due to the experience we had which I blogged about a few months ago, the experience my wife and I had going to a coffee shop BDSM discussion group (not to mention that my wife is out of town now anyway).  At that coffee shop gathering my wife felt out of place and uncomfortable and while I enjoyed it somewhat, there wasn’t any time to talk or meet people (because we left before there was time for meeting people) and it was so-so for me, although I did enjoy being around people who were giving discussion presentations about BDSM.  So fast-forward to now, and I wasn’t sure about this munch.  My wife has repeatedly been encouraging me to go, though, so since a slave does what he is told, I went.  Okay, I went of my own volition but I would not have gone if my wife didn’t want me to go.

I walked into the private room within the restaurant and even though I was only a few minutes early there were only 3 people in the room.  I almost walked out to come back 10 minutes later but I decided to just walk in now anyway.  Someone recognizing my shirt greeted me by name and even complimented me on my FetLife posts.  I can’t speak for any other introverts, but buttering up is a good tactic lol.  The welcome made me feel at ease and she and I talked for a minute or two before someone else sat near us and we had a 5-person discussion going to my right.  We talked about mostly non-BDSM topics although I asked the man who was across from me about what being a switch meant to him.  In chatrooms I tend to bring up BDSM topics and I was glad that I felt comfortable doing that here.

Then after each of the 30-40 of us in the room introduced ourselves briefly – wait, tangent here:

Did I mention that one of those who introduced himself was <name removed, see comments>?  Yes, that <name removed>!  Isn’t that like being at a discussion group for computers and Bill Gates introduces himself?  Yes, I think it is.  If I had actually read any of his books (I have not gotten around to it yet, I write a whole lot more than I read) then I would have tried to go over and introduce myself (yes, even introverted and shy me).

Anyway, after introductions I turned to the left and there were 3 others talking about BDSM topics so I joined in.  Nothing unusual there, right?  Wrong.  I joined in.  Not to make a big deal out of it (because it isn’t actually a big deal, even for me) but I don’t just join in on conversations face-to-face with a group of people I have never met.  I typically listen for a while and then maybe try to join in somewhat (or I try to walk away in most cases) but in this case I jumped in with both feet in and it was very natural.  This whole issue probably seems silly to many people, so what you talked to people.

The attractive woman to my left mentioned to me that she only recently joined FetLife and wondered where are the submissive men?  What on earth?!  Submissive men are all over the place, you almost trip over them!  Okay, that’s not my own observation, that’s just a stereotype that I read.  I have never paid attention to whether or not there are submissive men but I know that there are FetLife groups for us and I see many guys post.  She also mentioned that in the past she has met submissive men who say that they are submissive but are really only interested in a very small number of activities or fetishes and not particularly interested in pleasing their Domme.  Where have I heard that before?  Oh yeah, from plenty of other dominant women on FetLife!!  I was so moved by this effect months ago that I wrote a fictional story about it on my web page, “DoMeSub” in which a Domme takes on the task of teaching a so-called “Do Me Sub” and making him into someone who actually submits to pleasing a Domme – not very realistic but like most of my other fictional stories it is a fantasy.

So sub guys, where you at?!!  I mean sub guys who are actually interested in pleasing their Domme, not just to satisfy their own fetishes.  There’s nothing wrong with satisfying your own fetishes, that’s not what I am saying at all, I am just saying that if you are actually interested in pleasing your Domme then there are good matches for you on FetLife, despite you possibly thinking otherwise.  By “pleasing your Domme” I mean in the way she wants to be pleased, the way that she tells you that she wants to be pleased which could be just about anything (but not past your hard limits).  If you are telling your Domme how she wants to be pleased, well, that form of submission is not something I understand much about.

Anyway, the discussion about BDSM was a lot of fun and, just like in a chatroom, I had plenty to add to the conversation and enjoyed everything the others said.  There was no kinky talk, it was just talk about being new to BDSM, learning about yourself and others, navigating FetLife, how we coped before there was the internet, and that sort of thing.  Plus I was able to talk about my wife several times which I always like doing ad infinitum (if allowed).

I don’t think that this blog post will be helpful to anyone who is nervous about going and wondering how it would be for them.  Most people who go alone to a munch are, I think, in a situation in which they are available to meet new BDSM relationship partners so my whole reason for going was I think different from the norm.  I will say, though, that just from observation it appeared that about half of the group was available and maybe a bit over half were women while a bit under half were men, some dominant, some submissive, and some switch of both genders.  It was a good mix of people.

I am certain that I will go to that munch next month and have already made a few friends from those I talked with.  Woohoo!

So am I still “introverted and shy”?  Well, I don’t have an answer for that and being introverted is not something which needs to be “cured” in any case.  I won’t change how I identify myself with this but at least I feel better about being able to interject myself into interesting discussions, which in itself is a good thing.

Aug 27, 2012 — Submissive personality

This is a blog hop challenge entry (albeit two days too late).

“What is your submissive personality?”

“Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How would you describe your submissive personality? How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?”

I am not quiet but I am obedient and not bratty (my dominant wife is not here at the moment so I do not hear any heckling lol).  When my wife tells me to do something, I either fully endeavor to obey or if I have a question then I will ask, and on very rare occasions the time comes to obey and I find that circumstances are not what my wife expects and I make a decision.  But I never just say no or pretend to say yes but don’t mean it.

I wish I could remember the one recent incident in which my wife told me to do something but when it was time to do it I did something different.  I told my wife about it later, of course, and she agreed that I made the right decision.

That brings me to by far the biggest difficulty I have with obeying:  my memory.  For the past dozen or so years if I don’t write something down or have some method of remembering, chances are unfortunately good that I will forget.  “Close the sliding glass door when you come to bed” and then five minutes later it just escapes my brain.

One time I forgot to turn off a small outside light which we can’t see from the inside.  I rarely turn it on but I did turn it on one night for some reason.  The next day when I returned from work my wife bent me over for some funishment and before beginning asked me what happened last night.  To my surprise, I pieced it together and the light bulb went on in my head (to match the outdoor light, I suppose) on what I had forgotten.  That’s when my behind got paddled.

If you have ever read this blog you know that being paddled is no punishment but it is good funishment.  But then my wife guided me to stand in the corner next to the front door and stare at the light switch I had forgotten to use.  I literally stood in the corner staring for about 45 minutes.  Fortunately, my wife walked by every now and then to paddle me a few times, pinch me, or otherwise humiliate me (“I bet you won’t leave the light on again, will you?”).

I blogged about the corner time a few months ago and remember the feeling of confinement, my wife was just walking all over the house like the universe was her oyster and there I was with my universe just that little bit of floor I stood on and the light switch I had to stare at.  Ok, I admit that I enjoyed the corner time.  What can I say, I am a glutton for punishment (and unlike when vanillas say that in jest, I mean it!).

Anywhore, since that time I never turn that light switch on again and sometimes when I walk past it I look at it.  I guess it wouldn’t take much to truly condition me lol.

Okay, that was more long-winded than I had planned.  How do I describe my submissive personality?  I obey but I do not fawn, crawl, or cower (unless my wife tells me to); I suspect that’s true for a large majority of subs but the stereotype of some male subs is that they cower.  That’s not to say that I would not enjoy cowering, but it would be role-playing and my wife wouldn’t enjoy that except times she tells me to crawl.

Something I do, though, which I want to improve on is that I “talk back” to my wife.  When she gives me an order I often ask for clarification and this is a good thing.  But sometimes my asking for clarification goes too far and presents an attitude that I would like to deflect the order into something more palatable.  I am working on the issue.  I want my wife to be able to smoothly give me orders without me talking back unless needed.

“How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?”  My wife and I fit well into the D/s dynamic.  She has always (even before D/s entered our lives less than a year ago) enjoyed getting her way and telling me what to do, and now she doesn’t even have to ask or worry about me saying no or whining, she just tells me and she can count on me to do it (as long as I understand it lol).

My wife has always enhanced who I am for the entirety of our 15+ year marriage.  I hope those who read my blog, my FetLife profile (ted_subby), and most of my FetLife posts can tell that I love my wife very much and monogamously forever.

Aug 26, 2012 — Missing her

Life has thrown a wrench and my wife is in another state for a few weeks taking care of some family issues.  I miss her greatly and talking on the phone every night is almost no consolation.

On top of that, our D/s dynamics are temporarily gone and while I suppose we could do some long-distance or task-related D/s, I just wouldn’t feel it and it would not be a positive for either of us.  I am not submissive because I like rules or to do things I wouldn’t otherwise want to do.  I am submissive because I enjoy the feelings of dominance and pleasure at my submission which I receive from my wife.  Without that pleasure from my dominant, my submission isn’t fulfilling or enjoyable.

I believe that this is consistent with everything I have posted before.  For example, there are many BDSM activities which seem very exciting to me but if my wife wasn’t particularly interested then it wouldn’t be fun to me.  Even if my wife indulged me with a particular activity, I would not enjoy it if I sensed that.  Without the pleasure of the dominant, there is little or no pleasure for me.

Incidentally, that is why before I met my wife that I never went to a Pro Domme (well, that and the cost!).  From what I read I believe that most Pro Dommes enjoy what they do but had I visited one I would probably never know because of the money.  Certainly, someone can greatly enjoy something they get paid for but there’s just no way to determine that.  So for me, going to a Pro Domme would be role-playing and that’s just not my thing.

I have read from a few other submissives that during difficult times they just go ahead and submit anyway because that’s who they are.  I would, too, if my wife wanted it of me, or if it made her life easier or better (even if pleasure weren’t involved) then I would be glad to.  But with her in another state entirely, I am powerless to help her other than to talk on the phone with her every night (which is what I want anyway).

Power is an interesting word here.  D/s is often called “power exchange” but as a submissive or slave I feel that I have power to make my Princess happy.  Even if I have almost no power and am being directed around like a puppet, my existence (and willingness to continue submitting) can give her happiness and that is to me the best “power” in the world.

I recently read “At Her Feet” which is a non-fiction book about living in a 24/7 Mistress/slave relationship, it makes this statement about both M and s having power in the relationship.  It had some interesting sections and some sections which would not apply to my wife and me.  I don’t know that I learned anything which I hadn’t seen posted by many others on FetLife and I am not sure how useful it would be for my wife to read.

I also read “The Mistress Manual” and “Screw The Roses Send Me The Thorns” which are both mostly about BDSM play.  These were good reads and The Mistress Manual was quite informative for setting up different role-playing scenarios but my wife and I don’t role-play much and I would prefer something which is “real” rather than pretending to be someone else.  Still, even without the role-playing element, The Mistress Manual did help me understand several of the mindset archetypes.

Living M/s, the New Topping Book, and Uniquely Rika are books which are highly recommended but while reading may be somewhat interesting, it really is not up to me to shape our relationship with this advice.  If I did try to shape how things went, then a) that would be leading from the sub and would defeat any feelings of submission I would have and b) that would be pressuring my wife into something she may not want.  And even if it was something she wanted, how would I ever know?

On a separate note, my wife has told me that she wants me to find a thuddy flogger.  This is great because I think that would be a good toy for us.  However, unlike most other toys such as electrical, paddle, crop, butt plugs, etc., a flogger is something which the top really needs to feel to see if it would work well for her.  There are many different types of floggers — weight, length, material, etc. — and for me to just pick one and hand it to her would probably not be productive because if it didn’t feel right then she would probably not use it.  If that occurred with a crop then that would be fine because we would be out $10 but floggers are quite expensive and I don’t want to pay $100-$200 for something which rarely gets used.

So I am going to “disobey her command” (or really I will just offer an alternative and then obey) and instead recommend that we go to a store together as here in the Bay Area of California there are plenty of good kink stores.  I am sure she will enjoy that because she enjoys shopping and just generally going places with me.  The tricky part is that we have gift certificates to use so I am not sure if we will end up purchasing from one of the stores or maybe just trying to find a good weight/length/material combination and then buying it online.

I am probably going to my first munch in a few days.  Several months ago my wife and I went to a BDSM discussion group at a coffee shop, but to say that my wife didn’t enjoy it was an understatement.  Seeing how energized I get discussing BDSM with others online, though, she suggested that I go to a munch without her.  I’m torn because while I enjoy discussing BDSM, I am not looking for a play partner at all and also when not online I am shy and introverted so I fear that I might just sit like a lump on a log but maybe not.  Normally, my wife’s extroverted presence balances my tendency to clam up so it will be very strange to go anywhere without her, let alone a group of people.

Anyway, this is a different blog post from my usual tales of play or dominance.  I wish I had more fun stuff to post but it’s all on a holding pattern until I think and hope near the middle of the first week of September.

Aug 14, 2012 – Permission

In a recent enjoyable The Submissive Guide article about subs having other subs as friends, it was mentioned that one should be careful about bragging about a relationship.  It only makes one sub feel worse when another sub brags about how great their relationship is, if the first sub is having difficulties.  Or at least that’s my take on it.  I agree with that.

On the other hand, I enjoy reading how great someone else’s relationship is, even if I am going through a somewhat rough patch at the moment (most everyone goes through a rough patch from time to time).  It just makes me feel good reading about others’ situations, whether through a private message, a blog, article, or whatever.  However, if I were having great difficulties such as being without a partner for a long period of time, then I might not feel so good about everyone else having such an apparently good time; that’s too hypothetical for me to know how I would feel, though.

Also, reading about others situations and views is a learning experience for me, especially being relatively new to experiencing BDSM myself.

So on my blog I tend to err on the side of bragging because I want to share my joy with the world.

But hopefully we realize that when most people write about their relationship, they are usually listing only the highlights and fun parts.  In my case, I am not going to write about boring or difficult parts – unless there is an issue which could use some examining in a writing – because those are not fun to write.  How fun would it be to write or to read “Today I forgot to do my morning push ups but made up for it in the afternoon, then I broke ice into my wife’s ice bag in the freezer and loaded more water in the tray”?… I am bored just writing that now!  Also, how fun would it be to write “My wife and I are having difficulty with xxx and yyy”?  Not very.  We talk with each other about difficulties but I won’t bring those up in a blog.

I know that there are some blogs which go into detail about difficulties in a relationship (in one recently a sub woman is going through a very difficult loss of D/s in her marriage and it hurts me just to read about her situation) and that can be very helpful for people to see potential pitfalls.  My blog is not that way, though.

One other factor is different strokes for different folks.  Someone could “brag” about how wonderful their situation is but it might not be anything close to what I want.  For example, if a sub woman tells me how wonderful her Master is, that He never scolds or punishes her, He hugs and cuddles her frequently, He never ever humiliates or hurts her, etc. I would say “That is great, I am very happy for you.”  But that is not the type of relationship I want!  Ok, I like the frequent hugging and cuddling my wife and I do but He gives her no pain or humiliation?  Count me out! Lol

So please go ahead and “brag” away.  I love to read about it!

Even with all of that said, though, I do try to avoid a tone of bragging.  Even if the reality of the moment were perfect whips and rainbows, I never state that my situation is objectively better than other situations.  Everyone enjoys different things.  Also, the reality of my moments are rarely perfect whips and rainbows, there are far too many real-life situations which get in the way for that to be the case.  I guess what I am saying is that I hope my blog posts don’t come off as bragging, though I am worried that some of them probably do because I tend to write about the fun experiences my wife and I have.

(Oblivious to the irony of this transition, I will go on.)  My wife has been continuing to slowly ramp up her control over me, as I have written about in recent blog posts.  There are just so many little ways that I can’t possibly remember them all at one time.  Maybe I should make a list?  Well, maybe some other time.

Just one example was last night when I was playing a fun computer game (Driver San Francisco, not at all my usual type of game but it’s fun so far) and my wife walked in and said “Did I give you permission to play that game?”


Well, she jokes from time to time about giving permission.  “Did I give you permission to breathe?” etc.  However, I no longer take anything she says for granted as a joke.  After I laugh I ask if she was serious because, well, she is my Master (yes that is the term she likes) and Princess and I do not want to disobey her just because I misunderstood.  So I sort of asked if I actually did need permission and to my surprise she said yes.

What?  I said “What do you mean?” and she replied “You need to ask my permission before any time you play that game.”  I was somewhat dumbfounded and I’m sure my wife loved causing that look on my face.  I asked and she clarified that if she is not home then I may play but otherwise I must ask.

Not to make a big deal of this but I have to ask permission now to do something I enjoy.  What am I, a slave?!  Oh, yeah, I am.

Last night when, as I have to do every night after I tuck my wife into our bed, I begged on my knees to be allowed to sleep in the bed, she said yes as she almost always does but she then said that she might re-think that and have me sleep again on the carpet over a hard floor.  I’m pretty sure I blogged about that experience a couple of months ago, it was hell.  A 49 year-old man just trying to lie on the floor is pain enough but to try to sleep?  Fuhgetaboutit.  The thing is, I can’t even offer “Please don’t make me do that, I’ll do whatever you want” because her response is always “I know you will” which happens to be the truth.  It’s impossible to bargain from a position of zero power.

Earlier in the evening my wife out of the blue had me stop playing the computer game and lie on the hard floor flat on my stomach with my arms stretched out like a T.  (I think if I keep using the term “hard floor” I might get more sympathy? lol)  Then she resumed watching her TV show.  There was no reason for me to be on the floor other than for her amusement at my humiliation.  It was only several minutes but I turned my head to look up at her as she was watching TV and I felt very … what is the word … second-class, inferior, controlled, humiliated, servile, “whipped”.  There my wife was, looking very comfortable stretched out on the couch, while I was struggling to breathe with my chest crushed against the hard floor and my elbows starting to hurt from contact with the hard floor, solely for her amusement because she said so.  Would someone please call me a waaambulance already?

It was the same feeling I had one time when my wife made me stand in the corner for about a half hour a couple of months ago.  I think I blogged about it then.  There she was walking around all free, the world was her oyster.  But my universe was reduced to just where I stood.  No computer game, no comfort of sitting, no nothing.

Well, enough pity party.  I’m sure there’s a chore somewhere I need to finish (oops, had to get out one more pity party statement lol).

Disclaimer:  everything in every post of my blog is the truth except for the misleading tone in the above.  Please interpret all complaining as joyous celebration instead.  No, really!! 🙂

Aug 5, 2012 — Slave or not

As a follow-up to my earlier post from today, my wife confirmed that I have not said no.  However, that is because she knows what would be going too far and she just doesn’t ask or tell me to do those things (I include “ask” because we do not consider ourselves to be in a 24/7 D/s dynamic).

And this is not even about limits.  It is about us being happy.  My wife knows that for some things she might like if she were to make me do those things — and they are within our limits — I would be rather miserable and so she would not enjoy it.  Perhaps she could make me do those things (she believes that I actually would say no, I honestly don’t know how I would react) but she wouldn’t enjoy it because I would probably be rather miserable.  So she doesn’t ask or tell me to do those things.

We discussed this morning how that is true for most property or tools.  You wouldn’t use a screw driver to wash the dishes.  I think I brought up that sort of analogy to make myself feel better but the reality is that I am a rather limited tool, and that’s unfortunate because I would like to be a slave but I guess I have a ways to go or maybe I will just need to be what I am, whatever that is.

Today was an example.  When I was a small kid (4-6 years old) my mother used to take me to clothing department stores and I remember just hating the utter boredom of waiting for her to finish.  I think that’s where I perfected my whining.

To this day I don’t like shopping unless it’s from a list and it’s bing-bang-boom let’s get the stuff and leave.  Today my wife and I went grocery shopping from a list and it was not a problem (grocery shopping is never really a problem at all), I actually have fun whispering sweet nothings into her ear such as when I was grabbing bran muffins from a pullout shelf she told me to pull it out and I later told her that she should be careful the commands she gives me in public lol.  Or whispering a question into her ear about whether she would like me to get on the floor and kiss her toes in the store (we would never ever ever do that in front of non-consenting people so it’s just talk).

Anywhore (I learned this word recently from a friend of mine), when we got home my wife told me that she was going to Nordstroms and she said that she almost made me go but knew that I would be absolutely miserable so she would go alone.  This is an example of where she would love to have me go, and probably love the power trip of being able to force me to go, but not if I would be miserable, which I would be (and doubly miserable because weekend time seems to just slip away).  So I sincerely thanked her for not making me go.

What would I have done if she said we would go?  Well, I almost was faced with that so I had to address it in my mind.  Coming home from the grocery store we went a slightly different way and I felt like it probably meant that we would stop at the Lowe’s hardware store on the way back.  That would have meant 20-30 minutes of waiting in the car for me (or worse, having to go in and try to seem like I wasn’t miserable moping around).  So, based upon this post which I began early this morning, I asked myself what should I do?  My answer was that I would obey.  I would ask for mercy and possibly, though hopefully not, point out that I would be miserable (in case she wouldn’t be aware of it) but I would certainly have obeyed.

Patting myself on the back for obeying?  I guess so.  Even though it’s a very minor issue because there are a lot worse things she could make me do.  But I guess I needed a small victory.

My point is that these limits in what I can “handle” (even though I would obey) make my wife feel that they are actual limits.  Consequently, that minimizes how much of a slave I am in both of our minds.  It is what it is and the D/s in our marriage is young, so as I say in many other posts we will see how it goes.

What would it take for me to be blissful or at least not miserable in being made to go to Nordstroms?  Probably many more hours of torture and humiliation each week.  Sort of ironic.

I like to eat an apple most every day, not because I like fruit (I don’t particularly) but because it keeps the doctor away etc.  On the drive home from the store I mentioned to my wife that I should eat my daily apple when I get home and she said “Eat a peach instead.”  She is great, better and better, with simply commanding me and not playing Jeopardy by putting it in the form of a question.  I love it.

I hesitated just a fraction of a second before I said “Yes Princess” … and she burst out laughing.  She said she saw the slight turn of the side of my mouth that I wanted to offer some rebuttal or talk balk, but I thought better of it and submitted.  I guess someday I will not even have that hesitation and will just obey right away, but I’m not there yet.  At least I have my obedience down to a fraction of a second lol.

Aug 5, 2012 — Sub or slave

On FetLife the issue of word definitions are discussed frequently.  I am not much into labels at all because every relationship is different and labels do not adequately capture that but the ideas behind the labels are sometimes interesting.

On I see the following statements:  <<A submissive renews the choice to submit every time a demand is levied about hir.  A slave makes a one-time choice to submit, up front, and thereafter is incumbent upon hir to obey….  A slave commits to obey.  A “no” becomes a dealbreaker in a way it can never be for a submissive.>>

People can certainly quibble about whether this applies at all and I don’t really care much about the labels themselves but this statement got me thinking.

I like to call myself a slave mostly because if feels right for me, without any basis for history or correct definitions.  However, when I read this statement I definitely would like to be a slave and in my situation with my wife I believe that I am more of a slave than a sub.

To think about the last sentence in the statement I quoted, what if my wife gave me a command which was clearly within the limits we discussed, was not out of bounds in some way (such as something maybe I hadn’t considered when we discuss our limits), and I just said no?  What would happen?

To answer that question, I would have to think about why on earth I would say no.

Sometimes my wife tells me to do something but she does not have all of the information which goes into the decision for me to do what she said.  She is not a mind reader.  For example, if she told me that she was going to funish/beat me for something which I actually did not do, then I would clarify the situation … and then she would almost certainly beat me anyway.  In cases where in my view my wife does not have all of the information I usually speak up, risking disobedience but aiming to please.  In that case I don’t say no, I just provide some information and then I obey whatever she decides.

What if she tells me to do something I really don’t want to do?  I’m thinking back to several weeks ago the hours of chores one weekend.  I either do it, or maybe I try to ask for some reprieve or mercy, but I do it.

In the several months since D/s has entered our lives, I can’t think of a single time that I have said no.  I don’t think I have even considered it.  Princess, when you read this post please correct me if I am wrong and if you can think of a time when I said no or flat disobeyed.  And before D/s entered our lives doesn’t count, I said no plenty of times then lol.  Incidentally, my wife really likes me never saying no again, I like it too.

But what if I did say no?  Taking an example, what if I just didn’t want to wash the dishes after dinner because I was tired and just said no to that standard task I complete?  That just won’t happen because if the situation were extreme then I might ask her for a favor that night and then I would still wash the dishes if she told me to, but what if I did say no?

Then I would not just be saying no to that command.  I would be saying basically “I do not want to be your slave” and if I wanted to later regain my cherished slave-hood then we would have to talk about the situation.  Not only would my saying no undermine her confidence in my slave-hood but it would just be strange.

So does that help qualify me as a slave based upon the statement I quoted?  Too early to say, since the D/s in our relationship is still developing.  I feel more confident, though, that I want to be her slave, whether or not I actually am.

Regardless, none of this would adversely affect our 15+ year marriage.  That will be the most cherished part of our lives until the day we die, regardless of BDSM.

Another part of that article I quoted indicates that slaves tend to have fewer (or no) limits compared to subs.  I wrote about limits in my last blog post and unfortunately I have more limits than I would like to have.  As I mentioned, though, maybe someday some or all of those limits can be removed from the “list” since I trust my wife to not want me to go beyond those limits anyway so there would be no need for them to be in place specifically as limits.  For example, I know that my wife wouldn’t want me to run through whirling knives so there is no need to list that as a limit.

What about you?  Do you consider yourself or your partner a sub or slave?  Would you or your partner ever even consider just saying no?

Aug 2, 2012 – Truth, limits, and figging

A friend recently mentioned to me that she believes that some BDSM blogs are not truth as stated and are instead fantasies of the author pretending to have experiences.  I have trouble believing that many people would be that delusional or untruthful but I’m sure it’s possible.

It occurs to me that since on my blog I write about all sorts of fun stuff, readers might think that I “extend” the truth.  What I write about does fit many of my fantasies and I sometimes write on this blog something like “I feel like I am writing about my fantasy.”  But I do not write about the more boring or unpleasant parts of life, which inevitably occur in most every life.  It just doesn’t interest me to write about un-fun stuff so I don’t.

Unfortunately, this means that my blog does not present an accurate representation of BDSM in my life and could mislead people into thinking that it’s all rainbows and whips.  Everything I write about – mostly about rainbows and whips – is the truth, it is just that I do not write about the un-fun stuff.

The issue of limits comes up from time to time in our BDSM dynamic.  No, my wife does not want to cut my arm off or break my back (after all, that would affect my service!).  There are some things, though, which I limit but which probably many other subs would not even think of limiting, not related to BDSM activities.  I don’t like limits but I am who I am.

I see on FetLife discussions from time to time about those who have “no limits.”  It’s interesting because an opinion on that greatly depends upon one’s perspective.  On the face of things, it is ridiculous to think of someone with no limits at all.  Someone pointed out an interesting response to someone who claims to have no limits:  “As your dominant I would command you never to engage in any BDSM dynamic ever again, no S&M play, no D/s, no bondage, nothing.”  I know that I could not handle such a horrible command!

However, for those who are in an already long-standing committed relationship, there may not be a need for limits and so the couple may truly have “no limits.”

For example, I list blood play as a limit.  I am not sure if it is a hard or soft limit, but if my wife were to poke me so that blood would come out, I would probably faint.  And something which would cause me to faint is a limit for me.  But what if I removed that from my list of limits?  Would my wife then feel free to poke me to bleeding?

The answer is no.  My wife loves me and her sadism does not extend so far as to want me to suffer to that extent.  So I can safely remove that activity from my list of limits and be certain that I would not have to suffer that.  The same is true for probably all of my other limits.

So how about if instead of listing limits, I simply communicate with my wife preferences and what could or would happen if I were to suffer certain things, and then she can ultimately decide?  In other words, how about if we have “no limits” and I simply communicate with her for her to decide?

I think in our case, a 15+ year marriage which will last until we die, that could work.

However – and you knew there had to be a “however”, right? – we won’t do that.  There isn’t a need for us to go “no limits” because we do not have a 24×7 D/s dynamic and labels such “no limits” are not what we strive for anyway.  But some couples consider labels more important or maybe some couples just feel better having “no limits.”

I can be naïve at times and I know that many who identify as Master and slave scoff at my idea of limits.  But I believe that a large majority of BDSM relationships do include limits and many of us have a difficult time understanding the idea of no limits.  I think I am understanding it better now, though, and I wanted to write a blog post about it.

Speaking of which, I look at many BDSM activities and try to think about whether I could take it.  I don’t ask myself if I would like it because as long as I could take it and as long as my wife would want to inflict it on me, then it would be all good with me.  Figging is an example of a BDSM activity I have read about but never experienced.  Figging is the insertion of ginger root in the anus or vagina.  From what I read, ginger may be made into a butt plug which the sub would be required to hold in for 10-30 minutes and after several minutes and lasting for 10-15 minutes there would be a not-mild burning sensation.

A couple of nights ago I saw on FetLife a post about figging and I added a brief comment that I would be scared if that was done to me.  My wife saw my post and yesterday while I was at work she told me that she would do this to me that night.  I was scared.  A not-mild burning sensation could mean so much pain that I couldn’t handle it, so I envisioned a possibility in which I would be curled up in agony with no relief for 10-15 minutes even after the ginger was removed.  I didn’t know.  Last night, after my wife tried this on me (see below), I read a comment that the pain stops when the ginger is removed but I don’t think that is quite true.

When I got home from work last night my wife did insert ginger in me but the piece was too small to make into a butt plug so she just had to hold it in me with her hand.  It was only held in for a few minutes and while there was a bit of a burning sensation a couple of minutes after she had removed the ginger, it was very mild.  I believe that my wife will be buying a much bigger piece of ginger so my fear will probably return sometime.

I hesitate to blog about this but another activity which my wife has been doing to me is T&D.  I think a few weeks ago (on this blog?) I asked how on earth it could be a torment to be fondled even though it is not to orgasm?  Well, silly me, it isn’t supposed to be a torment.  Control over pleasure is domination.  And since my wife a couple of months ago has disallowed me to ever pleasure myself again, T&D is much better anyway.

Last night when I got home from work as I was restrained spread-eagled face up on the bed, after a couple of brief attempts at the figging experience, my wife zapped the heck out of me with the neon wand (yes, she still giggles almost every time my body jerks and I yell in pain) and then used my belt to all over the front of my body, geez that hurt.  And I felt so helpless spread-eagled face up watching my wife just whack me over and over and over.  Once she had enough of my yelling and begging, she put clothespins on my nipples and gave me T&D.  As a contrast to all of the previous pain and the pain of the clothespins, her hand felt sooooo good.  It felt like she was taking me on a roller coaster and I felt all squiggly inside (do I need to explain that word??).

I am having some difficulty writing my latest fictional story Male Chastity Cuckold Footslave.  How does a wife introduce cuckolding to a man who isn’t even particularly kinky?  Cuckolding is a hard limit for my wife and me but I believe that I am making good progress on the fictional story and once the man’s cuckold footslave role is fully in place through manipulation and coaxing, it is going to be extremely humiliating to him.  Poor guy.