Jul 25, 2012 – Taken advantage

I think my wife is taking advantage of me.

Yesterday I had a long 10.5 hour day of work and when I got home I was exhausted.  My wife guided me to take a nap for 15 minutes but I was still very tired afterwards.  Later, she had me give her a full body massage using body butter which a friend on FetLife had recommended (thank you Tx_Raven!), except on her feet, and then when I was done she wanted us to take a walk around the block.

We walk together some evenings for about a mile and we enjoy it but being so tired I just didn’t feel like it.  However, being her slave, if she wanted to walk then I didn’t argue so we walked in the somewhat cool night air.  After we walk, my wife usually requires me to cool the warm soles of her somewhat sweaty bare feet by rubbing my cool face against them (hence the lack of body butter this night on her feet as that would have grossed me out lol) and I otherwise worship her feet dangling off the bed while I sit on the floor.  I was ready to veg in front of my PC after that but as soon as the foot worshipping was done my wife told me to lie on the bed face down.

I know what this means.  Torture.  She restrained me spread eagled face down and proceeded to go to town with that damn belt, my own belt, smacked against my upper back over and over.  I was tired and having to take a beating!  I was quickly and earnest begging for mercy but that was futile.  She then used the paddle and then the crop on my butt, switching which of the 3 weapons she used against me, sort of like a symphony of pain.  And when I say “butt” I always mean butt and thighs, ouch ouch ouch!  She also worked over the souls of my feet with the crop and a bunch of times with the damn rubber band.  How can she torture me so much when I’m begging and pleading almost the entire time?  She’s a sadist who quite literally laughs at my pain, that’s how.

Whew, that was over and I relaxed my body as she went in another room.  It wasn’t over at all.  She had grabbed a two-prong serving fork, though I didn’t see it until much later because I was face down on the bed.  That forking fork forked me all over, she scraped it all over my skin from just below my neck to the soles of my feet, concentrating on several spots haphazardly.  You know that feeling you get when you hear a chalkboard being scratched?  It wasn’t like that.  It just hurt like hell.  It’s like getting accidentally scratched bumping a table or something except it kept going and going and it was done by a sadist who relished causing the pain and screaming.

I was exhausted.  She was finally done torturing me while laughing and giggling at each of the new noises I would involuntarily make.  She set the fork down and the impact toys had already been put back on the wall peg.  But then she pulled out the toy bag.  Damn, she wasn’t done!  Did I mention that I had a difficult day at work?!

Electrodes on my butt and thighs, repeating pulses of pain which she modulates from quick zaps to solid pulses.  She said she loves seeing me jump to the pain.  And while that was going on she was constantly whacking the sole of my right foot with the crop, multiple pain points at one time.

Finally it was done, she unfastened the restraints on my ankles and wrists and I curled up into a crying ball.  She poked me a couple of times with the fork but then she gave me the best aftercare we’ve ever had, as she held my head tightly against her breast for I think 10 minutes as my sobbing quieted down.  Gosh did I love that.

Afterwards, I asked/begged to be able to enter her so she let me do that to provide her pleasure a couple of times although, as I expected, I was not allowed to cum.

So today I started thinking about this.  I was required to give a full body massage, required to take a walk when I didn’t really want to from being tired, required to worship her sweaty feet, required to take a 30-40 minute session of agonizing torture, and then I had to sexually service her without being allowed to cum myself.

I feel like I am being taken advantage of.

And loving it!!!!!!!   I am loving that my wife takes advantage of me and controls me.  If you’ve read my blog before you know that all of the above complaining and whining is actually me recounting tales of joy.  Last night I was used and abused by my wife and that is my ultimate lifetime fantasy.  I thanked her as we cuddled and I could tell from her reaction that she was tickled pink that she could use and abuse me and I would not just take it, I would love it and thank her for it.

By the way, the chastity I wrote about in my last blog entry ended after 12 days, my longest ever (yes I would like some cheese with my whine).  Because of that chore I had forgotten, when my wife returned from being out of town we did have sex in multiple positions but I was not allowed to cum, even after 11.5 days.

Late last night my wife mentioned a web site she saw in which some guys reported being regularly denied orgasm for weeks or even months.  I was shocked! <shhh, please don’t tell her that this is not so unusual for many of those chastity guys>  12 days was very difficult for me because it was like going without something enjoyable for a long time and I truly do not have any fantasy or desire for more than several days at a time, truly no joke or double-talk, but I also truly want my wife to have control and I would not get in her way whatever she wanted to do.  There really is no such thing as taking her sadism too far unless it is in to areas of limits we have discussed.

Jul 19, 2012 — Male chastity crossed the line

My wife crossed the line.  And I am very proud of her for it.

Warning:  this entry is going to be the most sexually explicit of all of my entries by far.  I do not want to blog about sex but I do for this entry.

People reading this blog may think that because I blog in detail about BDSM suffering and service and I do not blog about sex, then maybe sex is not a big part of our marriage but that is not at all true, I just don’t blog about it.  For many, BDSM play and sex are closely related or incorporated with each other but that is not the case for my wife and me.  Typically, when my wife tortures and humiliates me it does not lead directly to sex.

Over the past few months I have blogged about our experience with a male chastity device.  I can’t say for certain that this experience is done with but we just didn’t like it for several reasons, the biggest of which is that my wife doesn’t like having her toy locked away from her easy access.

However, that doesn’t mean we do not have male chastity.  As of several weeks ago my wife has told me that I may never pleasure myself there without a direct command from her (I have mentioned this a few times in my blog, actually y’all are probably sick of my whining about it!).  And I have and will continue to obey that directive until the day I die, unless my wife tells me otherwise.  It is tough because I miss sitting in front of my PC maybe once every week or two and viewing “porn” (in quotes because I do not enjoy porn but just a very specific form of BDSM “porn” which gets me going) while I edge but do not cum.

I miss the “porn” except that my wife replaces it with the attention she gives me there.  This issue makes me more dependent (needy) of her attention and so far she has been very good at filling my needs.  So I don’t miss pleasuring myself because it’s much more enjoyable when she does it.  On top of that, I enjoy the control she has.  I really enjoy when she controls me however she wants to control me.

Over the past few months it has become clear that when I orgasm twice in the span of a couple of days, my sexual and sensual energy significantly reduces for a couple of days.  I have read about other guys who for a day or two after having an orgasm become less attentive towards their wives, or male subs who are not as obedient when not chaste, but that is not the case for me.  I obey and remain lovingly attentive.  However, I have much less sexual energy for a couple of days after twice cumming in the span of a couple of days.  My wife and I enjoy the sexual/sensual energy I have so we have recently agreed that I should not cum twice in the span of a couple of days.  So far that’s just a vanilla issue we have agreed on.

But that’s not good enough for my dominant wife.  She wants control.  Consequently, since that time 8 days ago, she has not let me cum.

The last time I was chaste for more than a week, and the longest time I have ever been chaste as an adult, was 9 days a few weeks ago and she then went out of town.  Before she left she teased me about maybe still not letting me cum but she did allow it.  To my surprise, when we were done she told me that she seriously thought about not letting me cum until after she returned, so it would have been two weeks without cumming.  I sincerely explained to her at the time that this would have been over the line (not safeword over the line but just over the line of being reasonable) because not being able to cum for so long while she is just gone is not T&D, it’s just neglect.  I don’t know what I would have done had she followed through on her thought to keep me chaste during the 5-6 days she was done for a total of 14 days.

So now it has been 8 days since I have cum and my wife has gone out of town for 4 days.  8 days is a long time for me and I knew that before she left my wife would let me cum.  But then last night she told me that she would not let me cum until she returned on Sunday night.  She had to be teasing me, right?  Later in the evening she re-iterated it and didn’t seem like she was teasing.  I asked her if she was serious and she said yes, I need to be taught a lesson of who is in control and that I don’t always get what I want.  I said that if I got what I wanted it would have been an orgasm inside her a few days ago but I knew better than to try to press my luck, it just wouldn’t have any effect.

So I tried begging even though I knew it wouldn’t have any effect, except that we both enjoy when I beg.  I don’t beg just to beg, though, I mean it.  How could she think of doing this to me?  A guy has needs!  But it had no effect, as predicted.  She confirmed that we would have sex this morning before I left for work but that I wouldn’t cum.  I just had to hope that she was playing mind games with me.

Not to get too personal (what an odd thing to say on such a personal detailed blog like this) but I do not cum easily (queue that song lyric “You know it don’t come easy”; Ringo Starr, I think).  As long as I have had a few days to recharge I remain hard but don’t cum except when we are in a specific position.  This is great because we can go through different positions and not worry about me cumming before she has had enough and then we can end up in that position.  However, after going 8 days without release I knew that I would cum in one of those other positions, especially once she started caressing my nipples while I was inside of her.  Who knew that missionary position was so exciting? lol  Actually, they are all great.

Anyway, because I was worried I would cum — and by worry I mean she would punish me in some way, earlier this week she had threatened to make me swallow my own cum if I had an unapproved orgasm during T&D, and I have never done that before and can only imagine how humiliating that is — I had to hold back.  I actively tried not to get too excited as I was inside of her.

That was a strange feeling.  Sometimes I try to hold back a little to give her that extra before I cum but just for a few seconds.  This time was longer and I had to sustain just holding back.  I even started to think about something else entirely so I would be sure not to cum but I couldn’t keep that up for more than a second or two.

It worked but it meant that it was only marginally physically enjoyable for me.  It was almost like I was wearing a dildo!  No, that’s too far because it did feel good but it just didn’t feel great physically.  She was clearly getting a lot more physical pleasure than I was.

By contrast, it felt great emotionally.  How great is it to be able to greatly please the woman I love, the woman I worship, and the woman I submit to?  Answer = it feels great.  And I wasn’t even making a sacrifice like I do in other ways, this was forced on me against my wishes.  Consensual non-consent?  I like that.

I was still hopeful for a reprieve but after missionary we were done.  No soup for me.  I’m typing this now and my wife is out of town until Sunday night, and I am still chaste.

I guess I can say that I have mixed feelings.  I have been denied the pleasure of an orgasm for 8.5 days and it will grow (pardon the term) to 11.5 days.  I would prefer pleasure as much as possible but it’s not about what I prefer, it is about what my wife will allow me.

But it gets worse.  There is a new late evening chore which my wife has indicated to me I must do most nights, depending upon the situation.  It is easy and only takes a couple of minutes but it tests my toughest blind spot in terms of service:  my memory and noticing things.  Last night I forgot and didn’t notice again.  I didn’t realize that until I got home from work today and found a note my wife had written and taped to near the chore.  It said “Uh oh, Monday, wanna try for Tuesday?” and it had a sadistic-looking smiley face.

What on earth does that mean?  What is going on Monday?  Oh no!  Shit!  An extra day of chastity!  I know that some who read this blog would say “Oh stop the whining, 12.5 days is nothing” and maybe so but for me this seems like an eternity.  I mean really!

When I talked with my wife on the phone tonight she told me that she just laughed and laughed when she saw that, and she could just visualize me seeing that note after work and whining “But no that’s too long waaa waaa waaa.”  I didn’t do that but my heart did sink when I saw it.  And now waaa waaa waaa does represent how I feel.  Waaa waaa waaa.  It feels good to type that.

In addition to sinking, my heart also lifted at the same time.  I’ll be damned if I’m just a glutton for torment but I am in love with the way my wife is not only exerting control but loving it.  She is being sadistic and I can feel it in my bones, or in my bone as it were.  I enjoy that.  Correction, I need that.  I need to feel my wife’s sadism as much as possible, it makes me feel where I want to be, fulfilled.

If only she were with me so that I can really feel her sadism, but she’ll be home on Sunday.  And I won’t even get to cum then.  Waaa waaa waaa.

She told me on the phone tonight “What will it take for me to get you to remember?” referring to the new chore and I replied “That’ll do it!”

Maybe I will regret typing this because my wife reads every word of my blog but I crave her having that sort of control over me in general, not just with chastity.  To be denied what I enjoy and/or made to suffer?  That’s unfathomable but I crave it from my wife.  I have been spoiled my entire life, even as a child.  I always get what I want, with the added comment that I keep my wants to a minimum as I am very low maintenance (or I was before BDSM entered our lives).

But now I get what my wife lets me have.  And I love it.

Jul 15, 2012 — Humiliation

“Humiliation is not about making somebody do something they do not wish to do. It is about leading them to do things they secretly dream about doing.”

On FetLife I read a good post about humiliation from MadameLaura.  The thread was from a dominant woman who didn’t enjoy humiliating subs and it was a good discussion overall but MadameLaura’s comments especially resonated for me.  Here is part of it:

“The easier You are on a boy, the more bored he becomes. Lets face it, they are visual animals… they need to be tamed, TRAINED, taught their place. So without humiliation, what will get their blood flowing ENOUGH to make sure they are ALWAYS in line, follow orders and respect You? Im not talking about whipping them, torturing them, etc… as that is used by MANY Ladies though it is not FEAR of You alone that makes him Obedient, Subserviant and Respectful. Shouldnt have to depend on FEAR to make him a great Servant.”

I disagree with her comments that this would apply to all men (she refers to her sub men as boys), but she was really talking about all of the men she has ever dominated.

In any case, MadameLaura in her entire post on this thread https://fetlife.com/groups/5517/group_posts/2717275 really seems to “get it” for me.

It is difficult for me to describe the feeling of being humiliated, which is a word I always use in a positive/enjoyable sense (I would use a different word for an undesirable feeling).  Depending upon the details, I might feel a wave of calm travel throughout my body, like soothing milk is running through my veins.  It is like I am an animal being coaxed and soothed into submission as my body gets slightly more relaxed.

Or actually while almost all of my body becomes more relaxed during humiliation, one part of my body goes in the other direction.  Maybe it’s that some of my body’s energy is directed away from the rest of my body to concentrate on my groin.  I enjoy humiliation about as much as anything.

How would you describe the effect humiliation has on you?

On a different topic, the subject of how the vanilla world sees BDSM has been discussed on FetLife possibly with an eye to removing laws making it illegal to do some of the things we do.  It’s unfathomable to think that some of the things I have discussed doing in this blog are illegal, but in some locations it is.

It seems to me that what vanillas have the hardest time understanding and accepting is a slave’s desire to be a slave.  They might look at an M/s relationship and wonder “Why on earth would a slave agree to that?!”

With that lack of understanding they might simply discount the notion that a slave consents to this and then make laws or otherwise villify the lifestyle.

I think the best way to combat this lack of understanding is for slaves to be vocal so that vanillas can see it.  Not only vocalizing their consent but with a discussion on why they desire this lifestyle.  “Why on earth would a slave agree to that?!” should be addressed with clear and rational (as rational as can be within the emotional framework of a human being) answers.

Here is a link to a recent article which addresses that:  http://humbledfemales.com/barnyard.html.  I did not write the article but I think I probably should write for my own web page an article on why I want to be a slave, meant for a vanilla reader.

Maybe we should all do that?  A web page with hundreds of testimonials on why we choose to be a slave might do wonders.

Jul 10, 2012 — Pain which doesn’t last

I missed my wife.  No I didn’t try to throw anything at her (stop being stupid), she was out of town for several days.  When she returned last night my emotions were like night and day in a positive direction.  Before BDSM I was always glad to see her when she would return from being out of town, but not to this degree.  Fortunately, she clearly enjoyed it.

After a long day of walking through airports, as soon as we were in the house she commanded me to remove her shoes and get on the floor to kiss her bare feet over and over.  Wow, after several days of nothing at all that was a blast of nice warm air to a freezing man, so to speak. 🙂

Later, she restrained me on the bed face up spread-eagled and straddled my lower stomach with her knees, slapping my face a few times.  Then she used the Neon Wand to zap my nipples and chest a whole bunch of times.  I looked up at her beautiful face and saw only sadism and cruelty.  It was great!  Why the hell does she have to laugh?  I swear she was giggling continuously at one point!  (It was great!)  While I was screaming – ok, to be honest it wasn’t quite screaming it was more like intermittent yelling – I heard her say “Guess what I’ve been reading!”

The only book which came to mind is a book which she purchased recently for Kindle about Femdom but I couldn’t imagine that the book would have something which would prompt this scenario.  Maybe it prompted her to be more aggressive to me (she is often aggressive and I love that)?  Later she told me that she had been reading my story “New Slave” (aka “Our New Slave”) on her Kindle but that didn’t make sense to me because New Slave is about a dominant married man and woman who takes in a service-oriented male sub to do all of their household chores and the relationship grows into more than that.

In all of my stories I like to avoid having the characters go through activities which have been detailed in my other stories.  So if there is a detailed urethral insertion scene in one story (“Slave On Loan”; ouch, did I really write about that?!) there generally won’t be one of those scenes in a different story.  There are many activities which I do repeat because I enjoy them in stories so much such as foot worship (including forced foot worship), whipping, spanking, etc.

Anyway, my wife told me that in New Slave the female dominant sat on the spread-eagled face up restrained sub and zapped the hell out of his nipples.  I still don’t remember that particular scene in the story though I do remember the storyline vividly since being a sub to a dominant couple is a common fantasy of my past.

Still on the same topic of the zapping (well, mostly), as I’ve detailed in dozens of these blog posts, my wife tortures the hell out of me.  And I love every moment of it.  I am hesitant to type this as my wife will read it but that hasn’t stopped me before: It often doesn’t just hurt and then I start saying ow and she stops.  Or I don’t just yell or beg and that’s the end.  What actually happens is that I scream.  Loud.  And sometimes it doesn’t stop.  And yet, when we’re all done I do not have any marks other than obvious red marks from impact which go away after an hour or so and the pain goes away almost right away.  I don’t have lingering pain.

I don’t want marks, that’s not my point, I don’t actually have a preference either way.  I have two points, one is that for about a half hour my left nipple felt a sort of burning sensation due to the zapping.  It was a good reminder of how I was victimized (fyi I only use this word in a positive/desirable sense) and there wasn’t a problem with the lingering sensation.

That brings me to my second point.  It makes me wonder why I have no lasting marks ever.  Well, once the wooden spoon gave me a bit of butt bruising for a few days but that was the only time.  But why in general do I scream my lungs out but not have marks or any lingering pain for an hour or two (just as an example)?  Maybe it is that my wife tends to give little warm-up?  I don’t know what is standard for warm-up but I’m usually feeling pretty strong pain relatively quickly once any sensation begins after I’m restrained and I think that tends to shorten the scene quite a bit as the buildup is short.

My actual answer (and the answer of someone in a BDSM femdom chatroom recently when I mentioned this issue) is that I’m a wimp.  The pain isn’t that bad but I scream because I am a wimp.  I don’t have a problem with this diagnosis, I believe it in general.  I don’t try to be stoic or pretend that I’m all tough and strong, I just express how I feel without any embellishment.  And I feel wimpy and I scream and beg.

So it was a surprise to me when my wife told me that I can take a whole lot of pain.  At the time we were talking about the most recent Masocast (great podcast, by the way) in which a professional submissive was interviewed.  I told my wife that this pro sub gets $500 an hour (!!) and when you think about being tortured in whatever way the dominant wants (within specified but broad limits) it is not surprising that a pro sub would make more per hour than a pro domme.  I joked that I should be a pro sub and my wife said “You should!”  I replied “Like I can take all of that pain” and she was surprised that I said that.  She told me that in her view I take a whole lot of pain.

That contrasted with my own view of my wimpiness.  It felt good to receive such a compliment.  My wife thinks I can take a whole lot of pain. 🙂

Okay, as usual this blog post could have probably been 50 words but I am wordy so there’s much more to wade through to get to the point.  Do I talk in conversations and chat or private messages like this?  When I am talking about something very interesting to me such as BDSM, yes.  I’m a very introverted motor-mouth, so there you go.

Jul 3, 2012 — Level of service

Lately my wife has become more comfortable in having me do things for her.  Not humiliating fun things, just things which help her out even if they are out of my way (i.e. not just as a vanilla husband).  I tell her that I am proud of her in her development because it’s more fulfilling as a slave for me to be used as a slave.

This past weekend I had to do a 3 hour chore of something I had never even considered before, let alone having done before.  It was not fun to say the least.  And I couldn’t even beg for mercy because that’s no fun for either of us when it’s legit service she wants and not just to humiliate me.

Today on the phone my wife mentioned that there are going to be some changes and she had a bit of extra authority in her voice.  I know her well enough to recognize that something was going on and it wasn’t just a casual joking remark.  I think I asked her what she meant and she initially evaded.  Now, I can almost always coax information out of her including what she wants to be surprises (and then she regrets spilling the beans to me) but I don’t like doing that at all so I let it go and I knew that I would find out eventually.

When I got home she told me a couple of tasks I will be doing over the next few days.  These are above and beyond my level of service as a good vanilla husband — similar to the task this past weekend — and the tasks would take me hours to complete.  I should correct that to say they WILL take me hours to complete because there is no “would” about it.  I am doing them and my wife told me with confidence that even though I don’t like the tasks I will do them.

I love that my wife is getting comfortable with pushing me around like this.  I really do.

For clarification, I know that many slaves have the adoring servile attitude with their service but I am not a “service slave” (I want to be a well-rounded slave) and I need to be honest with my feelings.  My feelings are that it sucks to be me.  I particularly disliked the past weekend’s task.  At least in the case of these upcoming tasks I know that they will make her happy so that is good and actually necessary for me.

Okay, that is only part of my feelings.  I won’t enjoy doing these things and my wife knows it.  However — and this is a huge however — I am ecstatic that my wife is pushing me around like this.  She told me that she has been getting advice recently from a dominant male friend she has on FetLife (D, you know who you are!  thank you by the way) who is convincing her, and I quote my wife “It is all about what the dominant wants, not what the slave wants!”

Light-bulb over the head.  Ding!

Am I being confusing?  It’s because I am confused but not in any bad way.  I love it I don’t like it etc.  If there is any doubt when reading this:  I love it!!!!!  Let’s stick with that lol.

Someone on FetLife asked a great and timely question in a group https://fetlife.com/groups/42/group_posts/2681465 — would you give up S&M if your dominant wanted to?  Well, I don’t have that issue because my wife enjoys torturing me (thank goodness for that) but what if I was giving a lot of that out of bounds hours-of-my-precious time service without getting enough S&M or at least enough kinky play of some type?

I don’t know for sure but I think I would feel quite bad if that occurred, not only the loss of kinky play but the positive I would get from service would turn into a negative.  And it scares me because I am so very damn needy for kinky play, more so than even in my fantasies and what I usually talk about.

I can see a good sub/slave reading this and saying “What the hell is his problem?  Doesn’t he get enjoyment out of doing what his Princess commands?”  I do but I don’t think I could enjoy only service, or mostly service without much kink.  I am not proud of this but it is what it is and it scares me.

What would you do as a sub/slave if you were giving your all for service but not getting much kink?

Fortunately for me this is hypothetical but I worry about these sorts of things because of my analytical nature.