Jun 30, 2012 — No means no

It has been almost a couple of weeks since my last blog post.  My wife was under the weather for a while and then I was.  We’re fine but there hasn’t been much BDSM play.

That doesn’t mean there hasn’t been much D/s.  When she was not feeling well I had to wait on her hand and foot.  Oh the humanity!  lol  That was just me being a vanilla husband, though, or really just a human being.  Still, she felt well enough to avoid saying “Please” so I am glad for that. 🙂

When I was not feeling well I was thankfully not given a total break from my duties.  I wasn’t too sick to take care of most of my usual tasks and the fact that my wife made me do them made me continue to feel the power exchange so that was good.  It seems strange to say that I was glad that she didn’t give me too much slack but it is what it is, which is wonderful.

Another thing when not feeling well is that I didn’t feel particularly submissive and certainly didn’t feel like playing.  So I wasn’t jones-ing (a word my wife applies to me when I need to feel a beating).  It was encouraging to me, though, that my wife seemed to be itching to get back to playing and had to hold herself back from tormenting me.

She did torture me last night with her usual abandon, just casually ignoring my sincere and honest pleading for mercy.  She has a new toy which is to put a large and tight rubber band around my foot and snap it against me, bastinado style.  I don’t know what was different last night (she has done this to me a few times recently) but for the first time it truly hurt like hell.  After just a few snaps I thought that I couldn’t handle much more.  In my one hour of torture (I blogged about that March 5th and 6th) I had to safe word when she cropped my feet a few times and I thought I would safe word again.

She kept at it, too.  Whack went the rubber band against the sole of my foot.  Whack.  Whack.  I screamed at the top of my lungs for several seconds and then gurgled and drooled a bit (I was face down on the bed).  My wife laughed at my pain and kept at it.  I was just about to safe word when I decided to sing to distract myself.  I don’t think I sang out loud but it worked and I was able to take the next few whacks.  She transferred the rubber band back to my other foot and my singing almost failed me but it worked.  I remember that I was just about to safe word, one more whack and I felt I would do it.  She pulled back the band and I literally was starting to take in a breath to safe word yellow but she was just taking the rubber band off.

She did a bunch of other things to me, too:  icepack mercilessly all over my back just slapping it on there, neon wand zaps all over including my balls which were pressed against the bed, a lot of whacks from the paddle, and she even took her tweezers and plucked a few of my eyebrow hairs as well as a bunch of other hairs from other parts of my body (ouch!).

I don’t know if it was because it had been so long between lengthy scenes like that but wow was I pushed to my limit.  And then, as usual, I got no aftercare (cue the world’s smallest violin lol).  She tells me that she likes me to feel like a slave even after a scene.  I am all good with that but later when I had difficulty answering a couple of questions she had and she seemed a bit perturbed at it I reminded her that no aftercare means that my emotions can be a bit of a mess.  It was all good.

When we were on our honeymoon over 15 years ago there was a minor incident in which she wanted me to do something I didn’t want to do.  So I said no.  She persisted in trying to get me to do it.  It was a really silly thing, too, very minor.  But I stood by my answer and said to her “No means no.”

We have joked about that phrase for over 15 years.  I might say it when encountering a minor situation or she might tease me with it.

But now that she is dominant to me in the past half year or so, it has a different meaning.  When I say no, it no longer means no.  No means whatever the heck she wants it to mean.  If my wife wants something, she is going to get it.

We both enjoy that she gets to shove in my face this phrase I casually threw out there many years ago.  I can say no and she can just ignore that completely if she wants to.

Actually, we are still working on that.  If she wants me to do something, I am a bit hesitant to say that I don’t want to because I don’t want her to think that I am asserting my natural authority as a human being.  For example, “Do you want to go to this restaurant?”  If I say no then she might interpret that to mean that as a human being she should then say no problem and we think of another restaurant.  However, the dynamic I believe that we are working towards (and I hope for) is that she has complete authority to react however she wants to react and I would support her 100%.  In fact, at times I compliment her for overriding my wishes when it is probably difficult for her to do.

I am still hesitant to say no when I mean no, though, because I want to support the D/s dynamic and try not to tap into her normally wanting-to-please dynamic.  If she wants to please me then that’s great but I would like that to be on her terms, not because I react negatively.  Someday I hope to be able to freely say no (if it represents my true feelings at the time) and have her freely override that without any worry that I might not support it, for it to be expected that she has and I support her authority.  When that day comes, my “no” will mean whatever the heck she wants it to mean.

Late night addition:  My wife read this blog and was surprised that a rubber band on my foot hurt so much.  She had me try it on her.  Relunctantly I pulled back and whack.  There was no reaction for one second and then Owwww that hurt! and a giggle.  She couldn’t believe how much it hurt and I sheepishly said See?  My wife then grabbed the rubber band and wrapped it around my foot to whack me a bunch of times, though not as hard as last night.  And this time I was suffering this while kissing her bare foot to make the pain go away. 🙂  She laughed harder when I was the one groaning in pain.

Jun 19, 2012 — Facial tissue

Facial tissue??

Small warning:  later in this blog might be tmi.

One of my submissive FetLife friends is giving my dominant wife some advice on how to humiliate me and it’s working to great effect.  You know who you are!  I just have one thing to say, when I message your dominant watch out because revenge is sweet!!

Okay, that’s not really the thing I have to say because this submissive’s dominant is very experienced and knows a bazillion more ways to humiliate my friend than I would.  Also, I couldn’t do anything to hurt anyone, I don’t have any sadism in me.  The thing I actually have to say is thank you. 🙂

This blog entry is not related to that, though.  It’s about taking ownership.  My wife is taking more ownership of how she treats me and I am ecstatic about that.  If you’ve read my blog much at all then you know that I enjoy whatever dominance my wife wants to exhibit (in and/or out of the bedroom) with the only exceptions being the few limits we have agreed upon.  I don’t have do-me lists.

That said, a different FetLife friend sent me a list of about 550 BDSM activities (you can find BDSM lists like this in many places) and my wife agreed that it would be good for me to mark off each activity yes, maybe, or no.  I also added a comment for some of them, especially the ones for which I had to look up what they meant.  In some cases I indicated no with a comment that maybe I could be coaxed into it long term.  For clarification, that wasn’t an invitation to push those boundaries, it was an honest indication that if she really really wants that activity then we can discuss it and I could maybe, maybe (!), work my way up to it.  I also indicated on some of the maybes that it’s not my thing but I’m game.

For a large majority of the maybes I feel like it would be fun but not a primary activity for me, I might or might not enjoy it but I would be all good with it if she wanted to do it.  Then for some activities I indicated yes or maybe with a comment that these could be fun only in role-play and nowhere else (we don’t role-play much at all but I’m just sayin’); an example of this is castration which is a definite no because it’s way beyond her and my limit but if she wanted to role-play it then I’d be okay with that.  Also, anything involving another person is a no unless it’s just in a pretend role-play between my wife and me (and no-one else).

Out of around 550 activities listed I indicate no to just under 100, yes to just over 150, maybe to just over 250, and ??? to a dozen or two.  For example, vacuum pumping?  Maybe I don’t want to know what that is lol.

Out of over 550 activities listed, facial tissue was not one of them.  Go figure.

What is Ted talking about facial tissue?

For the past few weeks my wife gets “angry” when I leave paper towels by my side of the bed without putting them in the small trash can which is right there next to the head of that side of the bed.  She likes to give me the dominant you’ve-been-a-bad-boy look the two or so times I have done that in the past few weeks.  Why wouldn’t I just put them in the trash which is right there?  Well, when she and I need paper towels (reason purposefully omitted, you can figure it out) I just ball up and drop the ones I use over the edge of the bed so we can cuddle together.  Then after the time passes and I get up, sometimes I just don’t see them there.  That was tmi but anyway.

When I got home from work today my wife led me into the bedroom and I knew something was up.  She told me to look around and I spent literally probably two full minutes looking at the walls, the ceiling, the bed, the carpet on the hard tile floor, whether a new impact or other toy was purchased and left somewhere, etc.  She then had me step back a bit which opened my view to my side of the bed and I saw it, a single balled up facial tissue on the floor.

Okay, here is excuse #522.  All of my excuses are honest truth.  Last night after we turned out the lights and said goodnight I dropped the facial tissue on the floor intending to put it in the trash when it was light the next morning.  After we both get out of bed in the morning I always make the bed so I would see and take care of the facial tissue at that time.

But my wife stayed in bed this morning so I snuck out of bed and was very proud that she was sleeping all of the way through my morning prep (shave, shower, etc.).  When I returned to say goodbye as I left for work she was still in bed.  So I never saw the facial tissue again.

Until I got home from work and there was my wife ready to give me the what for.  I slunked/slinked my way to pick up the tissue and I put it in the trash wondering how many swats or whatever I would have to endure but instead she told me to bring the tissue to her and get on my knees in front of her.  I did that.

Then she told me to eat the facial tissue.

I am going to risk pulling out my shoulder socket to pat myself on the back here:  despite my concerns I didn’t hesitate at all and put the balled up facial tissue in my mouth.

Is it safe to eat facial tissue?  Might I throw up?  I just looked it up now, 3 hours later, and apparently it is safe.  Janet Jackson even said last year that some stars do that to lose weight.  Who knew?  Not me.  For all I knew it could have been poisonous.  Yet I obeyed.

As I was chewing it I realized that it was not getting nearly small enough for me to swallow.  So I removed it and paused a bit hoping for a reprieve.  No such luck.  I tried breaking it in two but it was still too hard and much too big.  I thought this stuff just disintegrates when wet?  Apparently not!

I started breaking it into small bits and my wife told me that I may have water so I took a tiny bit of the tissue and with water swallowed it like I would an aspirin.  It wasn’t bad at all.  Then I did that a few more times.

My wife was literally standing over me with her feet apart and he hands on her hips.  I suggested that she sit down to be more comfortable (ever the gentleman lol) but she wanted to stand and glower over me.  I kept eating the tissue, bit by bit, probably a couple of dozen swallows.  Yeccchhh.  And no mercy from my wife.  I just had to do it.

I applaud my wife for taking ownership like that.  She told me that she had noticed my facial tissue error and thought all day in anticipation of my punishment she planned.  She told me that she even left work early to make sure she got home before me!

I was almost done with the above blog post tonight when my wife told me to save it as draft and go with her to the bedroom.  I can’t even distinguish the following from something I would write about in my fictional short stories.  She put makeup all over my face.  On my eyelids above and below the eyes, eye shadow, powder puff (pardon my ignorance of this stuff), and bright red lipstick.  She made me look in the mirror and I was just about the ugliest person with makeup on ever.

Then she snapped pictures.  Wtf!  No those won’t ever be posted.  Ever. lol

I had a very strange moment as makeup was about to be applied to my face.  Literally yesterday I wrote in one of my fictional stories for the first time a guy being sat down on the side of the bathtub (as I was) and had makeup applied by a dominant woman (as I had).  I thought for a moment and realized that I had not posted that story yet so how could my wife have read it?  I asked her, did you read my story?  Of course she didn’t, I hadn’t posted it yet!

She then began our first ever role-play we had talked about where she was trying to get my Bank ATM number from me so I played along, not that I had (or wanted) any choice.  I had to obey or else she could e-mail the photos to my work (role-play here fyi).  She had me lie on the floor and restrained my hands to the bed corners with my feet on the bed above me and gave me bastinado (beating of my feet with a stick) to torture me for the information.  She is getting very good at bastinado because it was really hurting, though each blow was not severe at all on its own, there were dozens of blows adding up to pain.  I was almost ready to talk when she stopped and had me sit on the bed with my hands still restrained.

She took my belt, sat on one of my legs to hold me down, and whipped my dick with the belt.  It wasn’t a hard whipping at all but each blow hurt from mild to moderate.  No joke but she slap me there with the belt at least several dozen blows, many of them rapid fire.  I don’t know how I could take it but I managed not to say the ATM number, although I did beg a lot.  Actually, I cried.  How can she do this to me?  Woe is me.

She changed tactics and removed the wrist restraints to have me stand so she could mummy-saran-wrap me from shoulders to knees.

This was our second time with mummy-wrapping and I loved it (okay, honestly I love everything she does to me).  Oops, role-play, I hated it but I didn’t want to tell her the ATM number.  She then gave me another session of bastinado to my feet which were hanging off the edge.  Ouch!  This time she asked for just the first number and I couldn’t hold out so I said it.  Hours later my feet are still warm and slightly tender but the pain went away almost right away.

Next she cut a hole over my behind and put a small plug in me, then whacked me a bunch of times with the hard paddle she enjoys using on me.  What did me in this time was when with her hand she pistoned the small plug in and out of me and I was worried about damage which could be done so I said the second number of the ATM PIN.

Lastly, she brought out the thick 7″ dildo and I knew it was over for me.  With my legs wrapped together so my behind couldn’t open up much and considering the pain I went through last time a week or so ago, I knew this was a no-go.  I waited, though, just in case I could take it.  She lubed the dildo and very slowly pushed it inside of me but the pain flared up (though not nearly as bad as the other time initially) and I said the full ATM number.

I know my sadistic wife, though, and I knew that just saying a number would not end the torture.  She continued with the slow push of the 7″ dildo and I said yellow.  She understood then that I was not ready for that.

Then she proceeded to whack the heck out of me with the paddle, I don’t even know how many blows.  I begged and cried for it to stop, I said that I had already given her the ATM number (as if that would make a difference lol).

While I was recovering and had stopped crying my wife put her bare feet on my face and started taking several more pictures of me, with different poses of her feet on my face.  I have a fetish for her feet but all of this was too much for me and I started bawling, really sobbing hard, maybe the hardest I have ever cried as an adult.  It was great.

I guess this was a longer blog post than I had meant to write.  So much new stuff, though!  Thanks for reading!

Jun 9, 2012 — Control and humiliation

This is a blog entry I have been avoiding, hesitant to write about it.  But I need to human-up and just write it, despite the humiliation I am feeling.  By the way, whenever I use the word humiliation it is always the good type.

Several days ago I posted the autobiographical life story of a 24/7 BDSM consensual slave at http://www.assdisc.com/slavegaillifestory.html.  It contains nothing I wrote myself (other than the brief introduction at the top) and it contains a whole lot of non-consensual and horrifying experiences.  The woman who sent it to me indicated that her Owners felt it would be therapeutic for her to type it all out.  I don’t know about that because I would have a very tough time recounting those type of horrors but I am glad that she is in a very happy place now.

Ok, I’m stalling.  Let’s get to what happened yesterday.

When I got home from work in the late afternoon I immediately saw my wife clearly ready for me to give her enjoyment.  I think you know what that means.  What a great way to begin the weekend!  So I quickly removed my clothes and jumped into bed to assume the appropriate position with my head near the foot of the bed but my wife told me to sit up on the edge of the bed instead.  I was a bit afraid that she would try to insert into me that huge dildo from a few nights ago (since that is the position to begin a strap-on session), afraid because my behind is still tender from that and I’m just not ready for it again.  But she had something worse in mind.  And by worse I mean in a good way, despite my tone I enjoy all of this amazing stuff.

She went into the kitchen and retrieved something from the freezer.  It was an ice pack and I knew what that meant.  I guess I had made an off-hand comment about the warm weather today and that prompted her little devil inside to do its creative work.

I think I whined but I knew it wouldn’t do any good to beg.  She put the freezing ice pack on my shoulder and it hurt.  She moved it to my thigh and it hurt.  I was already yelling and squirming when she simply pressed it against me and rubbed my entire body with it, everything below my neck.  I screamed and fell back on the bed and she just kept rubbing me with it.  I could tell from her body language that she was particularly delighted to press it up against the middle of my back and despite my begging, intermittent screaming, and panting just to try to catch my breath she was relentless.  Inner thighs, backs of my upper arms, oh my gosh my sides just above my hips.  I think it sounded like I was laughing and then gurgling but they were uncontrollable noises of pain.

It had to be about 5 minutes of that torture, maybe only 3.  Either way, it was not just a few pats and seemed to never end.

Then she commanded me to give her the enjoyment I had anticipating.  I jumped to the task and gave it some extra effort.  I was hoping for our next activity to be standard mutual enjoyment (again I hope you are following along with my euphemisms) but instead she found two different ways for me to give her enjoyment which at least did involve me receiving direct physical enjoyment at the same time (in other words I was inside her).  Then she abruptly seemed done so I asked if I could receive enjoyment but she told me no and she added that I would need to put on the chastity device this weekend.

Oh no!  We hadn’t used the device in weeks and I was already overdue for a usually twice weekly orgasm.  She has been controlling the timing of my orgasms for the past several weeks without a device (I am not allowed at all to pleasure myself even just via a bit of touching) so the presence of the device does not really change the timing — although it prevents me from getting hard so that is a change in itself — but what alarmed me is that I would not be allowed needed release last night.  Ok, I admit it’s not “needed” but it sure is wanna wanna.

But the device would have to wait as my wife still had plans for me.  She told me to lie face down as she plugged in the neon wand (somewhat painful static electricity which she applies to my skin) to the wall outlet.  I don’t know what happened, maybe she detected my relief at not being face up (I was very conscious not to reveal my relief at being on my stomach so that I wouldn’t give her any ideas!), but she told me to turn over onto my back.  She restrained me spread eagled and went to retrieve the neon wand.

As she began to restrain me face up I knew what was coming.  I’m no dummy.  But I am a wimp.  I cried.  Not just a few tears but full-on crying and sobbing and tears were running down my face, even though the only pain I had felt was from the ice pack (did I say the only pain as if it was just a small amount??).  I tried a little begging but I knew it was useless, she had the sadism lust in her heart and I could tell this from her body language.

As expected, she zapped my groin.  Not just once or twice, not just several times, but over and over and over.  And not just on the shaft but also right on the head several times.  I’m having to take a deep breath now just typing this out (I’m not joking).

Fortunately, I was not restrained so much that I could not jerk around so the zaps all lasted just a fraction of a second until my body jerked away.  And in reality there were probably “only” a couple of dozen zaps in that area, if I could venture a guess.

I was a basket case whimpering, screaming just after a zap, my body jerking, etc.  My wife moved on to apply the wand to a few other parts of my body and I could not move enough away so several of those zaps lasted a few seconds each and those were quite painful, too.  I like feeling victimized?  Yep.  And I had no choice.

Then my wife put away the wand and gave me a brief caress to calm me down.  By brief I mean one second or so.  I don’t stay in a state of horror for long so I was fine when she got on the bed next to me and looked closely into my face.  She asked about how I took out the trash the previous night.

I knew that she was going to be telling me that I did something wrong.  But it seemed strange because she had already tortured me.  Usually a punishment (funishment) is administered after a lecture.  I told her that I had put on my jammies and carried the trash out.  She asked if it was dark out or light and I thought a moment and said dark.  Then it hit me.  I had turned the outside light on and forgot to turn it off so it remained on all night.

I had done the same thing last week.  Oh shit.  She could see that I knew what I had done.

To my surprise she removed the restraints and told me to get up and put on the french maid dress she had bought for me earlier in the week.  So far I have had to wear this every day when I am home, including now.  It definitely feels strange and humiliating to be wearing a dress, something I had never done before.  On top of that it is strange to be wearing anything at all in the house when it isn’t cold and there is discomfort in having to deal with the corset-like dress and the thin shoulder straps which keep falling down.  But I obey, of course.

To continue my recounting of last night, my wife led me to the light switch for the outdoor light and told me to stand and stare at it.  The switch is in a corner of the living room so this was pretty much corner time.  I had never served more than maybe 10 minutes of corner time at any one time before but I knew it would be longer this time.  There is also a mirror right there and my wife told me to look at the light switch and also look at how ridiculous I look in the mirror.  She then left me to do other things in the house.

There I was watching myself receive corner time punishment, in a french maid outfit.

With nothing else to do I began to think, here I am with my universe reduced to this tiny corner and not allowed to be comfortable, not allowed to walk anywhere else, while billions of other people in the world are free to walk about pretty much whereever they want.  I could be sitting comfortably at my PC and reading FetLife etc. but noooo.  There goes my wife just strolling around the house while I am stuck right here.  It felt very dehumanizing.  I have never been in a cage before but I imagine that this is how it feels.

After about 10 minutes my wife brought a cup of water which she said I could drink if I needed it.  I thanked her for her kindness.  She then brought the hard wooden paddle we purchased several weeks ago and which she loves (I admit it, I absolutely love it too) and she began paddling my behind through the flimsy dress.

Not much protection there, it hurt like heck when she got going and I had to be careful not to bang my knee on the nearby end table as my body jerked around from the pain.

My wife paused and commanded me to look at my face as she beat me.

That was another strange experience.  I look at my face in the mirror most every day when I shave or brush my hair and I always have control over the muscles of my face.  With a hard paddle raining down on my behind, though, my face kept contorting into sudden brief expressions of pain and anguish.  That poor guy is being tortured!

On the rare occasions I watch BDSM videos (porn) I usually feel sorry for the guy being tortured, even though I know he is enjoying it and I too would enjoy that treatment from my wife.  Still, I usually empathize with the poor suffering victim.

I did that in this case.  I felt sorry for the guy in the mirror who just from his face was obviously being tortured.

The strangeness made me start laughing and my wife laughed along with me.  Much later she told me that she particularly enjoyed this.

I think I spent about a half hour of corner time with a few interludes of paddling on my behind.  My wife gave me another lecture on my transgression and asked if I learned my lesson.  I heartily answered yes and agreed that I would not forget to check the light switch — the one I had been staring at for the past half hour — in the future.  Much later in the evening I found that her conditioning/brainwashing worked, I checked that switch carefully as I went out to pull in the trash barrels.

Finally, the slave treatment was over and we enjoyed dinner together.  But then the slave treatment quickly returned.

I washed all of the dishes (that is not slave treatment, that is what I do as a vanilla husband although in the past I didn’t used to do it in a french maid’s dress!) and my wife told me to go back into the living room where she was watching TV, instead of allowing me to go back into the PC room to look at my FetLife posts and e-mail.

I knew part of her mindset here.  She purposefully did not allow me any PC time when I got home and she would disallow it now after dinner, too.  More control over me.

My wife had me retrieve knee pads she had brought out from a closet somewhere and I put those on.  We have hard tile floors everywhere in the house.  She told me to kneel at her feet and she set an almost palm-sized rubber ball on the floor.  She told me to push the ball along the floor into the PC room in the back of the house, only using my nose.

So much for relaxation after dinner.  I crawled slowly through a couple of rooms and down a hallway, pushing the rubber ball ahead of me and making sure it doesn’t go off sideways into another room.  I was surprised that I was able to do this without a mishap, though it was somewhat slow going.

Done with that task I knew that I wasn’t done with everything.  She had me run some very warm water and add soap to a washcloth to wash her feet as she sat on the couch in front of where I was kneeling, and then she had me apply lotion to her feet as I gave her a long rub.  This has been a regular occurrence lately.

It’s kind of a tease and denial, too.  I have a fetish for my wife’s feet, they are a big turnon to me though I knew I wasn’t getting any satisfaction last night from what she had told me earlier.  To rub my wife’s feet with my hands is somewhat of a turnon to me but to rub with my lips or tongue is a huge pleasure for me.  However, with lotion on her feet that kept my mouth away as that is just yucky so here were two beautiful feet in front of my face that I simply couldn’t use my mouth on.  That’s tease and denial to me.

My wife at this point asked me “Are you still glad to be my slave?”, knowing how rough she had been treating me so far, and I replied “Yes Princess, it is my pleasure.”  Much later, I gave a less flowery and more sincere yes oh my gosh yes.  This is bliss to me.  Don’t let my whining and complaining give you the impression that I don’t love it.

Once the foot rub and lotion was done I was told to take off the french maid’s outfit and put on the metal chastity device.  I had been hoping she would forget she had said that earlier but no such luck for me.

With the device on I was ready to just sit and read FetLife posts but my wife was still not done with me.  She had me lie on my naked back against the cold hard floor and put my bare feet up on the couch next to her and she proceeded to implement bastinado on me.

It wasn’t hard bastinado and the pain wasn’t bad but it lasted for probably 10 minutes of light-moderate whacking of her thin flexible stick on the soles of my feet.

Then, finally, I was told to sit on the couch at my PC.  But first she had to give a whole bunch of swats with that stick on my bare behind and that hurt almost as much as the paddle.  I was yelping again with each blow.

What a long blog post.  No wonder I am so fatigued now, and I thought that was due to the memory of all I went through last night.

Do you feel sorry for a BDSM consensual victim when you see or read about their pain and suffering?

Jun 6, 2012 — 7″ long and 1.5748″ diameter

When I got home today I was greeted by the garage door clicker and next to it was a 7″ huge and hard … well … dildo.  This is obviously going to be inside me later tonight, somehow, if it’ll fit.  I will try to update this post (not a new post) later tonight or else tomorrow sometime but if I don’t then I’m probably either in the hospital getting my behind all sewn up or maybe crying in humiliation and pain for 24 hours or more.

http://www.rascalvideo.eu/asstronaut_en.html Asstronaut oh great.  It’s 1.5748″ in diameter.  It looks like someone’s forearm.  I guess I shouldn’t complain, a forearm does go inside people as a kink so I should be thankful it isn’t that.  Did I mention that it’s 7″?

7″ is nothing.  A real member can be much larger than that.  Many dildos are much larger than that.  It’s going to be fine.  Stop laughing, I am not a baby!

My wife has already used her strap-on harness on me with the dildos included, the largest being 5.5″ and very thin which sometimes doesn’t even feel like it’s inside of me.  I have joked with her “Your dick is too small haha” but I don’t think I’ll be laughing tonight.

She has told me she will be gentle and I sure hope so because that thing can poke an eye out, or poke a prostate out.  She will use plenty of lube (we have discussed this about butt plugs many times) so it’ll be fine.

Actually it’s going to be great, of course.  Apart from the fact that I like anything BDSM-related she does or wants me to do (other than a few limits we have agreed upon), strap-on play is great even with the smaller dildo so I can imagine how great it’ll be tonight.  I think I’m imagining too much, I’m starting to breathe irregularly.  I realize that sometimes strap-ons take some trial and error and with something this big there might be quite a bit of error.

I hope she doesn’t make me wear the french maid outfit (see previous post today) while she is ploughing me (is that a polite word?) because I don’t want it to get dirty.  She also told me that … well, I hope she is okay with me getting this intimate in my blog … she is going to be doing this while I am face up with my feet in the air and she will be caressing me there (you know where I mean) at the same time.  It won’t be tease and denial, though, it’ll be tease tease tease and then O-time!  Except that she said it’ll be a ruined orgasm (!).  O-time for me is always inside her so my guess is … well, we will see.

In one of my fictional stories — I think Male Chastity Device — the female character takes the opportunity to try all sorts of different BDSM activities on her vanilla husband (who reluctantly goes along), like a sort of buffet of a bunch of different delights (delight for her, anyway).  I love that my wife is sort of taking that approach with a whole lot of different things because I love anything and everything she does.

Okay, enough typing for now.  I’ll update this post tonight … or more likely tomorrow late night.

Late night update:  Geez that thing is big and wide.  When she tried to push it inside me as I lay on my back with my feet in the air hanging out over the bed, she was gentle but I guess not gentle enough and I felt acute pain to the point where I safe worded and needed a minute to come down from the pain.  I thought we were done for the night just like that because I didn’t think even anything in that area could be okay but she had me face down with my upper body on the bed and my feet on the ground and then she very very slowly inserted and to my surprise and delight there was no pain, just the discomfort I had felt many times before from a large plug.  Then she removed and had me turn back around on my back on the bed and she entered me very very slowly that way and it was all good.  I took it all and there was no pain.

There was plenty of pleasure.  I was filled with love … and that thing!  I do not think I ever felt any contact with my prostate (I’m no expert on determining that!) but when her hands started caressing me in the pleasure zone (is that like the red zone in the NFL??) I felt like we would score a touchdown.  She slowly used her hips to manipulate herself inside me while she manipulated me directly with her hands.  Oh my gosh did everything she was doing to me feel good.  I was literally moaning and breathing irregularly for what felt like 10-15 minutes, it just felt so good.

Not to get into tmi but I really only orgasm when I am inside her so there was no opportunity for a ruined orgasm as she had wanted.  Close but no cigar (actually cigar can be part of a fetish so I should watch what words I use).  My wife likes me in chastity even without a device (did I mention on this blog before that I am not allowed to pleasure myself at all whatsoever?  I mean really whatsoever?!!) so it’ll be up to her as to the timing.

There was a bit of blood in a specific external spot and a tiny bit of pain so we are going to have to wait probably several days before having any sort of repeat of this experience.  However, I consider this a big success and I am very thankful to my wife. <3

Jun 6, 2012 – Being needy

This blog entry will not be my usual focus on activities but instead on the topic of being needy.  Well, the last part will be about a specific activity, I just can’t resist that.

As a submissive I enjoy feeling submissive to my wife.  I’ve pointed out in this blog many times (including the last entry Jun 2) that more of that feeling is better.  However, there is a point at which that becomes needy and it is difficult for me to avoid overdoing that.

This morning I expressed my neediness to my wife but I went farther with that than I wanted to.  My wife is wonderful at encouraging me to communicate and she is glad that I brought up the subject.  I too am glad that I brought up the subject but it feels very uncomfortable to me and going forward I want to avoid seeming so needy.  It isn’t right to put that on my wife and it is not productive.  She already knows my desires.

Again, my wonderful wife helped us through the discussion and comforted me with not reacting negatively.

Throughout my life I have not been needy of others.  I am a very independent person — almost to a fault — and, being introverted, I have become very comfortable in my own skin without help from anyone.  So this being needy of my wife is new to me.  And scary for both of us.

Love is the big glue which helps us through anything uncomfortable like this.  I am very grateful that we have such love for each other.  I could not imagine a marriage without that, although I know those marriages exist.

Onto the fun stuff.  Yesterday when I got home from work my wife showed me something she purchased for me.  Even now, the next morning, I am wearing the black with white trim french maid outfit as I am typing this.  I think my face is a bit red.

When I pass by a mirror (or when my wife tells me to look at myself in a mirror) it’s difficult to reconcile what I see being worn on my body with what I see of my skin and face.  I don’t wear a dress!  But I do, because my wife tells me to.  And I love it because of that.

I think my wife has a small concern that I may enjoy wearing a dress “too much” (wonderful love that she is, she purchased this anyway because she knew I would love it and she giggles most everytime she sees me wearing it) but clothing has never been a big part of my life.  When I am at home I prefer to wear nothing at all or else some jammies if it is cold.  When I am out I really don’t care what I wear as long as it is socially acceptable and physically comfortable.

I don’t identify with clothing so I couldn’t really imagine being a cross-dresser other than as part of whatever my wife tells me from a BDSM standpoint.  My notion of cross-dressing may be off base but regardless, I couldn’t imagine identifying myself that way since I don’t really care what I wear.

I do care, though, now that I am being required to wear something off-base and designed to humiliate me.  I can say that it is working well!

June 2, 2012 — Increased control and bastinado

I think my wife is really enjoying her dominance over me as not only is she enjoying torturing me (as detailed in many of the prior blog posts) and of course receiving massages and other service as well as increasing my list of chores, but she is also reading up on the topic such as registering on www.she-makes-the-rules.com (a Female Led Relationship site) and checking out preview of books such as The Mistress Manual and Living M/s.

From my standpoint the stronger her control the better.  Be careful what I wish for?  Nope.  She is the love of my life and I truly would be ecstatic giving her as much control as she wants.

My wife has started practicing bastinado (beating of the feet) with a light stick on me.  It can be dangerous but she is doing a great job concentrating on the stinging sensation rather than just whacking away at random spots and we’ve found some FetLife posts and articles about it.  I don’t quite know why but when she starts beating my feet with light-moderate strokes, or even if we are talking about it, I get a noticeable physical reaction.  I guess my having a foot fetish and enjoying being tortured combines to give me that physical and emotional positive reaction.

I have heard from other subs that they hate the pain from bastinado but love the control it shows that their dominants have over them.  I think that applies to me for things I hate such as writing lines which I had to do once as a punishment.  If my wife truly wanted to punish me (not funish) in order to modify some behavior I have while staying within the limits we have agreed upon (and we are in synch on those limits), I don’t know that there would be anything which would work.

She has a long list of punishments off the internet http://web.archive.org/web/20100102052840/http://ecstagony.com/eng/cats/artpeni.htm (which I haven’t read much of because I don’t want spoilers!) and I imagine that I would truly dislike or hate many of them but ultimately they would all show control over me and in the end I think I would like them.

Am I crazy for thinking that even horrific punishments (within our limits) would be enjoyable for me?

I bet there are experienced dominants and submissives reading this thinking “What a naive fool, he doesn’t even have a clue how bad things can get!”

I will point out that I do not and will not act bratty to try to manipulate my wife into punishing me, as I have seen from other subs through their FetLife posts.  It would for us defeat the entire power exchange dynamics and isn’t my personality in any case.  I’d be glad to role-play that or anything else if my wife would want it but she has not shown an interest in role-playing.  But I won’t be legit bratty.

That’s not to say that I don’t screw up from time to time.  My memory has become bad over the years and sometimes I will forget a command she gave me just minutes ago.  Unfortunately, that’s not an exaggeration.  She knows that I am not doing it on purpose but I realize that it is disrespectful for me to lose concentration like that and that applies to other times I screw up in a similarly inadvertent way.  I have a ways to go to be a better slave.