Apr 29, 2012 — Tied to a ladder

Today my wife tied me to a ladder so that I was standing up and leaning forward against the rungs.  Then she tortured the hell out of me.  Oh I know, the torture I suffer through is nothing compared to those of you who really get tortured with horribly painful things but when I’m screaming and literally crying tears falling down my face it’s torturing the hell out of me lol.

I was a bit worried that as my body tried to flail away from the pain I might kick my shins against one of the metal rungs or maybe hit my forehead on the top rung but that didn’t come close to happening although one time my nose almost hit a rung.

I have never been tied to a St. Andrews cross or anything like it so this was a first for me and it was great.  I probably prefer being tied to a bed face down spread-eagled just so I don’t have to worry about hurting myself on the ladder but that’s splitting hairs and it’s all great stuff.  Haha irony, I’m worried about being hurt as I’m screaming in agony.

And once the cropping, belting, paddling, neon wanding, bullwhipping, and more cropping ended my wife put a butt plug in me — the really large pink one — and then untied me and moved me to sit down where she tied me down.  Sitting on a butt plug is rather uncomfortable and then she took the paddle and just started whacking my dick fairly hard.  What the f?!!  Man that hurt and geez do you have to hit me there?  I didn’t say that out loud, of course, though I think I may have let slip an f or two (inadvertently!).  Then she started whacking the front of my thighs over and over with the crop and paddle.  Almost a half day later now I am still a bit red on my thighs.

And once that was done … I received no aftercare!!  Instead, it was keep that butt plug in and go sit at your computer.  The plug was in for about 2 more hours as I sat.

No aftercare!  Okay, I’m making a big deal out of nothing.  I don’t really need aftercare, I am just a slut to my wife’s hugging and caressing.  But still, I am left feeling like a victim even after the scene.  I not-so-secretly enjoy it, I admit it.  Okay, I admit it, I enjoyed everything.  A whole lot!  I think I’m going to vote for the no aftercare route, if ever given a vote on a message board or whatever.

A few miscellaneous issues I wanted to follow up on.  We have still not received the metal chastity device, if it doesn’t arrive in the next day or two I’m contacting customer support.  It’s been two weeks.

The punishment dynamic I have talked about in previous blog posts is not quite working out because, as my wife tells me, I am too good and don’t transgress.  Forgetting to fill the ice tray or forgetting some other minor task (damn I forget a lot of things until I set my PC for a popup reminder) is in her view not sufficient to warrant a legit punishment so she uses funishments instead.  I’m glad to to suffer a true punishment though I’m not sure if it would be worse than what I suffered today tied to the ladder.

Also, for those who have read several of my blog entries you may notice that I rarely discuss sexual details (unless you consider BDSM necessarily sexual) which might lead you to believe that my wife and I don’t or rarely have sex.  That is not at all true, I just don’t kiss and tell.  It’s strange to think of keeping something private on a blog in which I’m so open about BDSM and my inner feelings but that’s how I roll.

Thanks again for reading and if you feel like dropping me a line I can be reached on FetLife as Ted_Subby or at nrjb2@yahoo.com.

Apr 23, 2012 – Punishment

My wife has begun to implement the punishment dynamic I think I mentioned in an earlier blog post.  This past Friday night I was somewhat grumpy after a tough day at work and our air conditioning going on the fritz (it was a warm day but not terrible) until it can be fixed in a few days.  I don’t get angry but I get a bit quiet when I am grumpy.  My wife doesn’t like grumpy-boy so late in the evening she told me to strip and get in the bathroom where she turned on the shower and told me to get in.

During torture sessions my wife has a few times applied ice to my back and it feels great.  Well, not great, it’s actually quite painful, but it’s great in a torture-and-victimize-me way.

Ice cold water all over my body does not feel great.  In any way.

I started to beg not to be forced to get in the cold shower but she told me that she was punishing me because I was grumpy and I knew that I had been busted.  I took my medicine like a man.  Well, a whimpering and screaming-in-pain man lol.

Fortunately, my wife did not require me to submerge my whole body, it was just my lower half and then she kept splashing my chest and back.  It was very unpleasant and painful.  I had to cover my mouth to muffle my screaming in pain.

Alrighty then, lesson learned = try hard not to act grumpy anymore.  Another lesson learned = my wife owns me.  This second lesson makes me feel completely wonderful and I love the dynamic of her feeling free to punish me with whatever the heck she wants, no matter how terrible (as long as it is within limits she and I have discussed).  To clarify for those who might be reading this and thinking that I am being truly victimized by this, that is not the case, if my wife were to try something out of bounds on me (such as something which could risk injury like kneeling on rice) I would stop it in a New York second with a safe word.  I felt that I had to get that disclaimer out there just in case.

The next morning as we got out of bed guess what.  She did it again, telling me to get in the shower.  My eyes popped wide open and I immediately begged to know what I had done wrong.  Was it wrong of me to press up against her in bed?  What did I do wrong and I promise to stop, please.  Gosh did I beg.  My wife calmly clarified for me that she enjoys when I press up against her in bed or anywhere else in private.  She said that she was going to torture me just because she can, for her enjoyment.  I begged more and almost started crying but I knew not to push my luck by resisting further so I took the medicine.  Like a wailing baby.  Once I got out of the shower and dried off some my wife hugged me as I cried it out.  I love those moments.

I have a physical reaction just thinking/typing about what occurred, even days later.  It makes me feel so owned.  Does that mean I enjoyed the cold shower?  I can’t come to grips with the definition of “enjoy” and I can say with some confidence that I don’t want it to happen again.  I guess I’m confused but a slave does not have to understand so I am very content.

By the way, I know that there are many definitions going around, I sometimes use sub and slave interchangeably.  I’m not a 24/7 sub so slave is probably not the right term unless I’m describing how I sometimes feel.

Speaking of slave, I was told to clean the bathrooms this weekend while my wife went to an event with her friend.  Did I mention that our air conditioning was out?  I hope someday it won’t take me 2 hours just to clean and vacuum 2 small bathrooms.  There went some of my weekend but what’s a slave to do.  My wife told me I did a good job and she thanked me (she always thanks me as I always thank her) while also helping me to understand an issue I had missed which was that one of the light bulbs in the bathroom had burned out and I hadn’t noticed (I did not get punished for missing that).

Yesterday morning my wife told me to drive her car to a gas station a couple of miles away (bypassing the one just a few blocks away) to take advantage of a better price.  I think the cost of gas for the drive negates the benefit of the slightly lower price but it’s not a slave’s place to argue.  I admit that I was legitimately a bit dismayed at having to do this, 15 more minutes of my weekend gone and on a day in which I really wanted to veg.  Clearly, my attitude needs to improve if I’m going to be a good slave although I did not display to my wife any of this attitude (and hopefully she is not reading this entry).

When I got back home my wife rewarded me with a session of torture.  I don’t care for the dynamic of torture as a reward because I enjoy the mindset in which I do not want any torture but that’s where we are some of the time.  It is a lot of work for my wife to torture me, although she enjoys it, and I am thankful for it.

My wife tried something a bit different.  I have commented on this blog that my wife seems to focus the zap of the neon wand in one specific place, my groin, and takes great delight in making me scream and jerk my body in pain.  Most of the time when she zaps my dick or balls I scream and jump up, either my upper body rises or else my entire body turns over as a reaction.  This means I have to get back in place flat on my back after each of those zaps, interrupting her mojo.

This time my wife restrained one of my ankles to the corner of bed.  That got me scared and then she did something which terrified me.  She put rope around my neck and restrained my neck to another corner of the bed, keeping my head still against the bed.  Oh shit.  She can zap me all she wants and all I can do is flail and scream without being able to move away.

I did not feel there was a choke hazard.  I did not have room to move my head so if something out of control occurred and I jerked my head forward I would be choked for a second but not with any impact and it was not a hazard in my view.

As it turned out, when my wife zapped my dick I did instinctively try to jerk my body up each time but my throat was stopped and I was just stuck there, suffering from cbt and from being slightly choked.  I was still able to flail around and one time my knee made some contact with her body on the side of the bed so her plan to make me take it did not go fully as planned.  I dread what might happen next time.

Speaking of pressing up against my wife in bed, I have been doing a lot of that lately.  This added control she has really makes me feel good at any time of day or night when she is near me.  As a follow-up of previous blog posts, the new metal chastity device still hasn’t arrived but it should soon.

On a different matter I have been contacted by someone who would like to read one or more of my fictional stories of male submission for audio posting on Literotica.com.  I am very honored by this sort of attention and I am sure, from listening to other stories she has read, that she will do a great job with it.  Imagine driving to work and listening to a CD of my own story being read?  Wild.

Thank you again for reading!

Apr 19, 2012 – The three s’s of submission

There are many different types of submissives and for me I am finding that my submission may be broken into three s’s:  service, servicing, and suffering.

Service involves anything other than sensual physical contact which provides direct benefit to my wife.  This includes cleaning the bathrooms, fetching a cup of water, dropping down and doing pushups when commanded, on hands and knees serving as a footstool (physical contact but only as a non-sensual service), making the bed every morning, driving to the store to pick up something, and doing the dishes, just to name a few service tasks.

Servicing involves being available sensually and/or sexually for anything my wife desires.  This includes full body and/or foot massages as well as any sexual services.

Suffering involves being tortured or otherwise tormented, whether or not there is physical contact.  This includes whipping and bondage as well as being required to stand in the corner or other suffering.  The main distinction between service and suffering is that if the primary purpose of an activity is to make me suffer then it is suffering while if the primary purpose of the activity is to provide comfort for my wife then it is service.  There are definitely gray areas.

I do not go around thinking about how tasks fit in these labels and there is really no need for labels except in trying to understand myself.  I find that submission in the form of servicing or suffering is directly enjoyable to me while I am still working on the area of service.

Suffering:  everyone enjoys being whipped or tormented in some way.  Well, okay not everyone but I enjoy it.  So suffering is all good.

Servicing:  I get great enjoyment out of servicing my wife whether it is giving a full body massage – which gives me the added benefit of being able to have long conversations with my wife often about all of the different BDSM topics I read on FetLife (she enjoys hearing from me about the emotional traumas and interesting questions people post about on there) – or giving a foot massage with my left hand as I browse FetLife with the mouse in my right hand.  And of course giving more intimate pleasure is most every man’s pleasure (okay, I can’t talk about other guys just myself).  So servicing is a win-win.

Service:  this is less easy for me.  Win-win is fetching my wife a cup of water or doing anything else she directly commands because, well, I’m a dog and love to be commanded by her.  We haven’t done any pet play but I have sort of the mentality of a dog when I am providing commanded service to her.  Sometimes she will walk past something and sit down, then tell me to get up and fetch her that something (even if it means having to put the PC keyboard down and stop typing in the middle of a thought).  I love that, not as a dog but as a victimized and controlled slave.

Where I need work is in the tasks which are not humiliating, take some time, and just need to be done such as cleaning the bathrooms.  I guess it is rare for even submissives and BDSM slaves to enjoy chores, though I know that some do enjoy it.  Despite not enjoying chores, I get double satisfaction in doing them:  1) the chores get done without my wife having to do them (this is good vanilla husband satisfaction) and 2) I feel controlled in that I was made to do something I really didn’t want to do (I like to feel controlled and victimized).  #2 isn’t very strong but I’m working on it and it helps when my wife doesn’t give me any option whatsoever, I just need to do it, that is when I most want to do it, though I would still do chores if my wife simply asked me.  In the context of my submission I am fine with chores.

Where I need more than just some work is in a different type of service.  My wife likes to do some things that I don’t like to do.  That’s natural for most every couple, I think.  The reverse is also somewhat true, there are things I do which my wife doesn’t like to do, though she is much more flexible and willing to try things than I am.

Here is the unusual part.  When I go ahead and participate in something I particularly don’t like, I get really grumpy.  Really really grumpy.  I don’t  want to be grumpy at all and I try not to be, I try very hard.  But I’m rarely successful and sometimes I am not able to hide my grumpiness which in turn makes my wife sad.  Hide grumpiness?  That doesn’t seem good.  It’s a necessary thing, my wife does not enjoy when I am grumpy so I would rather just hide it and then it eventually goes away.

One of these somethings I really don’t like is going to a movie.  When something isn’t interactive I get very bored and movies just about take the cake with that.  I would much rather do chores than go to a movie (if I were not factoring in my wife’s enjoyment, which is of course very important).

Now that I am my wife’s slave (as much as she wants me to be which is not Total Power Exchange or 24/7), she can command me to go to a movie and I would go.  I wouldn’t even need to remind her how it would make me feel, she knows it.  And I would probably be grumpy, even though I would get the double-satisfaction I mentioned for service tasks.  But maybe, if my wife truly took control and forced me to go to a movie truly removing any choice I have (in other words, nowadays if I whine enough about it I would be able to get out of it but I won’t usually whine because that is not me), then I might not be grumpy.  I wouldn’t enjoy the movie but if I would feel victimized/controlled enough, I believe that I would get enough of the double-satisfaction to make it worth my while.

That probably seems confusing and it is complex or at least weird.  If my wife truly commands me to go to a movie and makes it clear that I have no choice, and with the understanding that she knows I don’t like movies at all (this goes without saying but it is important because the dynamic would be different if I thought that she thought that I might enjoy the movie for its own sake), then I would enjoy the overall experience.  As long as it is part of a package of domination in which this wasn’t the only area in which I was feeling victimized and controlled.

Here is one more complicating factor.  My wife doesn’t want me to be miserable so she likely won’t be forcing me to go to a movie.  But if she wouldn’t mind my potentially being grumpy and my probably being miserable – without feeling bad for me – then the opportunity is there for her.  Ideally, if she made me go to a movie and truly had an attitude of “Too bad, biatch!” then I think we would have a successful outing.  And maybe if she told me ahead of time that she would truly punish me for being grumpy (I don’t mean funishment, I mean a true punishment) and if she followed through with that if I was at all grumpy, that would even make it all better.  There I go topping from the bottom, but it’s really not topping from the bottom, I am simply expressing a way to make a difficult situation work.  I’m not saying that I want to be forced to go to a movie.  I am saying that I am willing and it should be fine if presented in a dominant manner.

My belief that I would enjoy being forced to do something I truly don’t want to do is going to be put to the test.  My wife has, with some coaxing from me, commanded me to do something taking up an upcoming weekend.  It’s worse than watching a movie because of the long time involved.  She will try to make it fun for me by including some suffering but it’s going to be a service weekend.  I am going to try to enjoy it from the standpoint of a test of my submission.  As I often say, we will see how it goes.

How do you think of your submission?  Do the three s’s apply to your submission or are there more types which I have not covered?

Apr 17, 2012 — Play party

My wife and I went to our first play party.  We didn’t quite know what to expect other than scenes going on and being able to watch as we did not want to play this first time.

The party was rather sedate to say the least.  I do not comment from the perspective of how others enjoy playing, my comments are just regarding how my wife and I would enjoy a play party.  There were about 10 play locations within the small facility and half of them were in the back of the room where there was no place to stand or sit so watching meant looking through bodies at closer play locations which basically meant that half of the scenes were not to be watched much at all.

The facility was too small for a party in that the play locations were too close together.  Just walking past one scene to get to a tiny area where my wife and I could stand I had to wait between whip strokes so I wouldn’t get hit with a single tail.  I’m sure the top holding the tail was concerned about this many times during his scene.

There was one other negative issue which did not particularly relate to the facility.  Most everyone was quite stoic.  Many of the scenes were not impact play and involved more sensual or sexual scenes and these are not interesting for my wife and me to watch (we do not want to watch overtly sexual scenes unless there is also a lot of pain involved) but for even the ones which involved torture, many of the bottoms were quite stoic.  My wife and I don’t want to watch a scene in which the bottom does not react.  We asked someone in attendance about that and he said that it depends upon how people process pain.

At one point two older gentlemen had a spanking scene and the slaps on the butt got quite loud.  Finally, something to enjoy watching.  After a loud slap someone whooped because something interesting was going on and the bottom occasionally groaned or jerked his body in pain.  The scene was short, though.  There were also a couple of other impact scenes in which the bottom was groaning in pain with most blows and that was good to watch.

If you’ve read this blog then you know that I am a screamer.  After just a handful of blows, how could I not yell or at least groan loudly?  It hurts!  Despite our desire not to play at our first play party my wife pointed to an open St. Andrews cross and playfully said something like “I should make you go up to that cross, get some life into this party.”  I didn’t think she was serious, though afterwards she told me that she would have been okay with playing due to our boredom, but I chickened out.  I just didn’t feel comfortable in this too tight atmosphere and to be almost the only one making noise would have made me too self-concious.  If she had “made” me, I would have though, and probably would have enjoyed it.

Anyway, we won’t be going to any play parties anytime soon, at least.  From what I’ve seen in threads on FetLife our experience a few nights ago is not typical and there is often noise during scenes as well as a much better atmosphere.

On a different topic, the male chastity device hasn’t arrived yet….

Apr 12, 2012 — A few thoughts

My wife was watching TV tonight while I was browsing on FetLife and rubbing her feet with my other hand (this arrangement each night works great for both of us).  She started to flip channels to watch another show and I have to admit to giving her puppy dog eyes, or as she said later, slave dog eyes.

We have talked previously that she would prefer to initiate play or most anything else we do together.  It isn’t a protocol thing — we do not have any protocol in terms of language, I just obey — it is just a matter of her knowing that I am up for anything she wants anytime I am in the house (except when I am sleeping, I need to sleep decently to function) so there is no need for me to initiate anything.  She likes this arrangement because she doesn’t ever have to say no to my expressing interest in playing and she never has to feel pressured about it and I like the arrangement because it is a lot more exciting to my submissive nature for her to initiate.  If I said “Let’s play” and then she whipped me, it just wouldn’t be nearly as enjoyable.

But tonight I sort of broke that approach, though I didn’t do it intentionally.  I felt like a puppy who wanted more attention, even though I already get plenty of attention from her.  My wife picked up on it and grabbed me by the dick and pulled me into the bedroom for torture.  I felt a bit bad at first but then she did her usual giggling as my body was jerking around while being whipped and I knew that she was having a good time, which is what I want and need.

She whipped me with the bullwhip longer than usual and it was great.  The pain intensified and I was crying/groaning with every blow.  The bullwhip really is a classic way to get me into a slave mentality.  At some point my wife said something between strokes which seemed to be from a recent blog post.  I was a bit distracted (yelling in pain!) to notice exactly but later as I was tied spread-eagled face down and she was relentlessly pounding my ass with her heavy wooden spoon she said something else from my blog.  I was crying at the time so I didn’t quite remember what it was.

Does she read this?  Apparently so.  (I love you sweetie.)

She confirms that she does read some of my posts and that worried her a bit thinking that maybe I would think she was spying on me or something.  I assured her au contraire, I absolutely love her to read these as they are my true inner feelings and I love to share those with the woman I love deeply, exclusively, and forever.  We talk a lot and we reveal to each other our inner thoughts but I still have some barriers about revealing all of my fantasies because I do not want to put a burden on her to think that she has to react to them.  By contrast, on this blog I feel free to put my inner feelings, possibly because through typing I feel free-er than through spoken word.  I am not sure.  In any case I will not be modifying my approach to this blog and will continue to write what I feel.  As you may have noticed, though, there are some intimate (sexual) topics between my wife and me which I do not blog about — considering how detailed I get this might not seem true but it is true.

Anyway, the blog post she confirmed reading was the one from yesterday Apr 11 in which I posted about submitting.  We did not talk in detail about her feelings regarding the blog post (and I am certainly not one to press this or any other issue) but she did assure me that she enjoys reading my blog because she likes knowing my inner feelings.  That made me feel good.

I have mentioned about my wife giggling or laughing while torturing me and tonight while she was just whacking and whacking my butt with the spoon (I thought sure that I would bruise but I am not bruised now afterwards) she started laughing and couldn’t stop.  I managed to ask through the pain why she was laughing and she said that I was making the funniest variety of sounds, crying and moaning or whatever.  I tend to be a screamer and make a lot of noise while being tortured and I guess I hit the right notes.  Or I should say that she played me like an instrument and made music which pleased her.

This tickles me.  I love making my wife happy and that she gets such pleasure from literally torturing me to screaming just makes my heart truly sing.

Changing subjects, as a follow-up from this past weekend, with my wife’s approval I ordered a $19 steel chastity device.  $19??!  Yes, it might end up being junk but the design looks good and it’s a knockoff of a device which gets decent reviews.  From what I have read many guys don’t stick long with their first device so I figured why should we blow $100 on a device which we probably won’t stick with anyway?  This $19 device should give me a much better idea of the type of device I would end up wanting.  Or maybe this device will be sufficient.  This won’t be for long term chastity, or at least I hope not.  I’m still way uncertain about what I want from male chastity other than it excites the hell out of me thinking of my wife holding the key for as long as she wants.  I know I know, be careful what I wish for lol.

Apr 11, 2012 – How far do I submit?

Things change quickly sometimes.  I will begin this post by following up about male chastity but later I will address the title of this post.

This past weekend I experimented with male chastity by putting a leather device on and found that despite the discomfort I was okay with it on for about 52 hours, unlike my last try with it a couple of months ago only lasting around 24 hours when I just couldn’t sleep and got very grumpy.  This past weekend gave me hope that I could last much longer with a better device, one which is much less uncomfortable than the one I have with its stretching-of-my-balls and occasionally pinching leather straps.

The main purpose of my experiment, though, was to remain chaste for my wife who was out of town for a week.  This was a raging success (I couldn’t resist using that term) and we both enjoyed the results when she returned yesterday.  However, when I told her what I had done, she had an interesting reaction.  She asked me to clarify that I disobeyed her command to cum once in the week and told me that she doesn’t want male chastity.  She wasn’t angry at all and the disobey comment was mostly said in jest and as an excuse to whip me (she knows she doesn’t need any excuse but she still likes to make up excuses so she can think of the whipping as punishment) but I got the message which was that male chastity was not what she wanted.

Alrighty then.

I was glad that she told me how she felt and we moved on.  But then about an hour later she teased – in her fun dominant “I can do anything I want” sort of way (which I like, of course) – about buying a device and keeping me chaste for as long as she wants.  I’m getting used to the mixed messages routine and just roll with the punches, so to speak.  Whatever she wants is fine by me and it is on a need to know basis, she will let me know what I need to know.  I think she was just teasing at the time, she teases me about all sorts of things which will never occur (such as some of the “unspeakable” things which I include in the fictional stories I post).

In the evening, though, as I was giving her first full body massage in over a week (since she had been out of town), which was great and lasted about 90 minutes with me babbling almost the entire time about all of the FetLife and other BDSM topics I could think of in the past week (which she frequently assures me is great as she loves hearing me talk about all of that), she asked me in a non-teasing way for more information about male chastity.

I told my wife that there were three benefits I could see for male chastity:  1) increased physical arousal stamina for whenever she wants me, 2) after achieving an orgasm I (like most men) lose emotional and physical arousal for a certain amount of time, a day or two in my case, and I enjoy feeling aroused as often as possible so having an orgasm loses something enjoyable for a day or two, and 3) I would enjoy the increased control she would have in a BDSM sense (whether she would enjoy that is up to her, I hope so or else I wouldn’t enjoy it).  A benefit for many other couples is that the man has an increased desire to please the keyholder but my wife pointed out that I please her as much as she wants already (which of course made me feel very good) so that advantage of male chastity does not apply.  I also mentioned that we have already previously discussed potential concerns with male chastity (which I detail in the Apr 6 blog post).

I was careful to indicate to her that I still don’t know – even after around 5 months of looking into it – whether or not I would want a device for 1-2 weeks at a time, though I would not want it for longer than that, because that was the truth and also because I am ultra-sensitive to not pushing anything BDSM-related with her.  We talk all of the time about BDSM because she enjoys listening to me bring up subjects but if we do something I want it to be because we both want it (and since I want just about everything it’s really up to her).

Then my wife surprised me by telling me to find a device which would seem appropriate for me and show it to her.  She didn’t ask me, she told me.  Woohoo!  That stance in general changes the game for me, see later in this post for a much stronger example of that.  I’m now excited about getting a device.

Which device to get?  That’s too long of an issue to post on this blog, there are many factors.  I’m fairly sure it will be a metal device and I’d like it to be under $100 as there seem to be several in that range (is it just me or have prices of male chastity devices in general halved in the past several months?).  $100 is still a lot of money and my biggest fear is getting one, it doesn’t work out, and we have wasted the money.  You pays your money and you takes your chances as the proverb goes, but more than $100 and I really am not willing to take such a high chance.

Do I fear that my wife might enjoy male chastity too much and keep me imprisoned for longer than I might expect?  Oh come on, if you are reading this blog then you know the answer to that, yes I fear it and I crave it!

My philosophy is to temper my enthusiasm when considering the potentially unpredictable actions which are out of my control so I’m going to do that.  Or I will try lol.

How far do I submit?  What does that have to do with what I have written above about male chastity?  Not much.  The reason for that title of this post is that my wife indicated to me last night that she would like for her and me to do X on one upcoming weekend, taking up the entire weekend.  I will not indicate what X is but let’s just say that it is something I really do not want to do while she really does want to do it with me.  We each know of each others’ feelings on this, the general issue comes up from time to time and we have difficulty coming up with a good approach for the situation.

In these situations we have learned that the best approach is for my wife to indicate to me what she wants and does not have any expectation of receiving a response from me (other than a response to confirm that I heard her and acknowledge what she said) and then later once I have had time to think we discuss the issue, maybe hours or maybe a day or two later.  Sometimes we end up doing X and sometimes we do not.

Last light so far by letting me know of her desire to do X, my wife has followed how we have been handling this sort of issue for years.  She told me what she wanted and did not yet expect or receive a commitment or indication.  A bit later, though, she teased – in that same way she often teases me with her dominance about things – that she is going to make me do X.  In the past (before BDSM was this much in our lives) this kind of teasing bothered me because it mixed play with real and I didn’t know where the line was and so I let last night’s teasing go without acknowledgment and it wasn’t an awkward moment or anything, the conversation simply moved on naturally.  Then a half hour or so later she teased it again, something like “I’m going to make you do X.”

Teasing it once is often an indication that we should talk about it soon and a talk was already pending once I had time to think.  Teasing it twice in a short period of time I interpreted as meaning that she really did want to force me to do X (in a dominant BDSM sense) but only if I was okay with that amount of control.  I had to think quickly so the moment didn’t pass.

Did I want to allow myself to be forced to do X?  Well if X were no big deal then I would have just said yes in the first place but to have an entire weekend of unfun when the rest of the week is difficult to begin with due to having to work all day each weekday (I’m trying to keep the whining out of my typing lol), that is very tough for me to be okay with even with the knowledge that X would make my wife very happy.  I am submissive but am I submissive enough to sacrifice an entire weekend to make her happy?  If the issue was urgent or health-related etc. then of course I would sacrifice a weekend and more for her.  But just for her enjoyment?

I took a deep breath (and took another one just now typing this) and I said something like “You know, sweetie, if you wanted to take more control in our marriage I would love that” and she quickly said something like “You are going to do X.”  I kissed her foot in response.

Later, I asked something like “For clarification, do I have a choice about doing X?”  This was obviously a leading question and I felt bad about fishing for an obvious answer.  But I guess it was my way of saying “If I’m going to be okay doing X then the less choice or control I have about it the better.”  I think my wife was okay with this.

Last night she seemed more dominant in her attitude than ever before, maybe it is just because she missed me for the week she was gone.  I mentioned this to her and she said that she is good with being more dominant as it gets her what she wants without arguing.  We never argue so what she meant is that there is no need for negotiation or working out my ubiquitous niggling concerns.  Instead of having to coddle me into accepting X by discussing details, it’s now “just do it.”

That is what I want.  Just do it.  As long as it does not apply only to X but to many other things she wants.

This is all very strange to her and even to me.  I want to only submit to her about things I very much do not want to do (such as X) as long as she takes control over me in making me do things I might not otherwise what to do but they aren’t a big deal?

I’m still trying to make sense of it myself but it feels very very right to me.  I would like her to make me suffer as much as she can (be careful what I wish for!) within limits which she and I have talked about.  I’m not a “do-me” submissive in which I have a list of things I want her to do to me, I would like her to do whatever the heck mean thing to make me suffer that she wants to do excluding specific things on the exclusion/limit list.

Later in the same discussion my wife teased testing one of those exclusion limits and I indicated that I am not ready to push that particular limit.  Maybe we’ll see how it goes but not currently.

How far would I submit?  Would I be willing to completely submit with the proverbial “no limits” and the understanding that my wife loves me and would not push me into areas truly past my limits (for example, she would never cut my arm off!)?  I think so.  I can’t answer that yet but if her control deepens as I truly hope it does then I should be able to answer it.  I think my answer would be yes, even though that is scary (and exciting).

There are many D/s or M/s relationships in which one partner has total control so my wife and I would not be going off the deep end on our own if we decide to go there.  One unusual factor in our relationship, I think, is that my wife and I have a great and loving not-much-BDSM marriage for over a dozen years and that forms a basis of our love and ability to trust each other.  Even if I give her full control and she gets drunk in the power over me, I feel great trust that she would not take me to a truly harmful place.

Tempering my emotions:  I am probably overstating the control issue.  I don’t think that my wife wants total control over me at all – she has told me many times in the past that she doesn’t – and she would just like to keep it in the realm of play except when she can use it to suit her needs such as X.  That’s just my subjective take on the situation.  I’m hoping that it is more than just X.

As I usually say to end a topic, I guess we’ll just see how it goes.  Not much of a catch-phrase but it is what it is.

Wish me luck!

Apr 8, 2012 — Male chastity experiment #2 final day

There was the poor night of sleep I worried about and somewhat predicted.  It wasn’t too bad, though, and on a weekend I can take a nap (or three).

In part 1 = http://www.assdisc.com/blog/?p=94 I describe why I have put a leather gates of hell on myself and concerns I have about male chastity for myself in general and in part 2 = http://www.assdisc.com/blog/?p=96 I detail my feelings about it so far this weekend.

I think a contributing factor to my not being able to sleep much was that gravity has been working on the somewhat heavy cage and leather straps and now my balls are being slightly stretched downward and also away from my penis.  There was some pain from the stretching (is it the same type of pain when a parachute is used? I guess so though much milder) and while the pain was not bad at all, it was really just discomfort, it was apparently enough to keep me awake most of the time.  That and/or just the general restlessness I get when I go longer than normal without an orgasm (concern #5 I have about chastity in general).

The good news is that I woke up again all aroused and was that way off and on for probably a couple of hours.  Why is that good news when I’m really just trying to sleep?  I’m not sure but it was definitely fun, even though I couldn’t touch myself there in any meaningful way.

Last night I was emotionally missing contact (touching, hitting, anything!).  I miss my wife greatly and while masturbation without orgasm is not a substitute, it at least gives me some of what I crave.  I know that this weekend is not a good experiment with chastity because it is not under the keyholding of my wife — which is mostly the point, I would think — so I was okay with the emotional difficulties I was having and coped okay.  Still, I “could not help myself” so I watched a few interesting videos on my PC late last night.

Why watch videos when I can’t even get hard?  Because I’m weak.  Nah, I’m not weak (or not particularly so), I just wanted to see how much fun it would be.  Watching the videos did nothing for me, though, nothing at all despite being due for an orgasm, so I started caressing my nipples gently which always gets me riled up.  It did get me riled up and my mind and emotions loved the videos but I did not get aroused.  Several minutes and I did not get aroused.

Is that a problem?  Maybe.  Which brings me to issue #1 I listed (in the Apr 6 post) as a concern:  decreased libido (?(.  Am I training myself not to become erect?  Gosh I hope not.  And my wife really hopes not, too, she loves the spontaneous erections I get, they help make her feel very sexy.  If my wife were to put me in a device and I would never get spontaneous erections, that would be a big loss for both of us.  Anyway, I won’t belabor the point, we’ll see how it goes.

I enjoyed the videos without the erection so that was good, but it wasn’t nearly as enjoyable as it would have been.

This morning lying in bed as I was enjoying a spontaneous erection inside the cage I was glad that I was not in a typical device which is curved and apparently prevents an erection.  The leather gates of hell just contricts the penis as it tries to get erect and makes it uncomfortable of painful, but I do get somewhat hard.

Early this morning in bed I realized that I enjoy the pain of constriction.  It felt good, physically as if my wife were grabbing my penis.  So I really enjoyed the erection I was experiencing (though not 1/10th as much as if my wife were holding me).  At one point after a while I even encouraged the constricted erection by caressing my nipples.  Mmmm that felt good.  I wanted so badly to masturbate and I even tried to touch myself in different ways through the metal bars but I couldn’t get any touching pleasure at all and I felt controlled/owned, even though technically I was the one who was owning myself.  Or whatever lol.

I will update this post late tonight with the final results.  I don’t think anything unusual will happen between now and then but I want to keep the device on until I go to bed so that I can make sure to be fully ready for when my wife returns Tuesday night.  I have been feeling some stirring of an erection as I’ve typed this but I would guess that I won’t any more today, even if I decide to watch any videos (I don’t plan to).

Last night update:  I’m free.  Mission successful (no orgasm this weekend) and I have a more incentive for trying out a real device, where real is one I can wear to work and shower with etc.  I’m far from certain about it, though.  If I could package together male chastity with sexual-attention-but-not-orgasm with my wife then I think I’d be okay but if she would just lock me up and I’d only be servicing her with no sexual pleasure of my body, well, I don’t think that’d be good.  But requiring the two together (chastity with tease/touching) might be pushing my wife into more of what I want.  She is already on this BDSM journey with me and while she enjoys it, I don’t know that she wants more of it as I do and chastity/tease is asking her to do more than what she is doing.

My wife would almost certainly be willing to put a device on me and be rather cruel in extending the timeframe but tease and denial?  I don’t know.  I think I would need that.  As I often say, I guess we’ll see how it goes.

Next challenge is just not masturbating tomorrow or Tuesday morning.  That would be about as stupid as I could be because it would directly impact my libido Tuesday night and that’s something I don’t at all want.  So I think I’m safe.

Thank you to those who have read my entries this weekend.  If you have any thoughts on any of this feel free to contact me.

Oh and now I get to take these pink bunny ears off my head.  My wife required this of me and here is a picture:  https://fetlife.com/users/1261175/pictures/10393068.

Apr 7, 2012 — Male chastity experiment #2 continued

Last night I blogged in detail about putting myself in a leather gates of hell chastity device in order to avoid masturbating this weekend so that I could be extra ready for when my wife returns from being out of town in a few days (even though she gave me permission to cum once during the week she would be gone).  I was worried that without the device on I would not be able to control myself, or I just wanted the device on to make sure.

I was right that I wouldn’t sleep all that well but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the only other time I had tried sleeping with the device on.  This time for some reason there is a lot less pinching and the device just generally feels more comfortable on me.  There is pinching out of the blue from time to time and I have to reach down and make a slight adjustment but so far so good.  More comfort (though still not particularly comfortable) meant that I was able to sleep.  I woke up a couple of times but was able to fall right back asleep.

But then I woke up a third time and I was getting an erection.  I am overdue compared to my standard amount of time in having an orgasm (twice a week or up to three times in a week) and I’m feeling the effects.  I could not get back to sleep and lay in bed for probably 2 hours until I think I finally did sleep a bit more.

Those 2 hours were agonizing … but in a good way.  I finally felt what I had been hoping to feel which was strong desire and arousal but frustration because the device was not only stopping me from touching myself but from becoming fully erect.  I didn’t have a semi-erection for the full 2 hours because I don’t have anything close to that libido but I spent a lot of that time with my erection fighting the cage.  It sort of hurts to become erect in it, that’s by design (hence the name gates of hell).  That frustration itself is arousing to me and I think to a lot of guys who enjoy male chastity.

So now I am doubly aroused but can’t do anything about it.  That feeling is still occurring as I type this.  I want badly to touch myself because it is overdue (I even tried caressing myself through the cage and while I can touch just a bit there isn’t anything pleasurable about it) and there’s so much good stuff I can watch at my PC but I am prevented from touching and it somewhat hurts to get aroused; that lack of control I have is in itself arousing and it’s a vicious circle.

If this were to occur due to my wife “forcing” it on me, I can only imagine that the circle would become even more vicious.  I can only imagine the begging, real begging, I would put my wife through and I hope if that time occurs she wouldn’t mind it (or she could always tell me to shut up and I would obedienctly oblige).  In my somewhat groggy state early morning in bed I even started thinking about begging myself for release but I quickly realized how silly that was.  When I think about it I really do want to beg and hope for release but there’s no-one for me to beg!  Maybe I’ll tell my wife about this when we talk on the phone tonight.  Now that it is a positive experience maybe she’ll want to share in it.  Maybe I should send her an e-mail about it so she can read it on her phone today.

I will add to this post if there is anything more to add today but I am thinking that I can make this work through Sunday night without removing the device prior to that.  By far the most pain I am feeling is emotional in wanting to be set free but that’s a good kind of pain.  I will also add a new post tomorrow.

And stupid me I forgot in yesterday’s post to list my most immediate concern about male chastity.  I will post it here and I will edit yesterday’s post to include it:

5) Every time I have gone longer than my usual 3-4 days between orgasms — whether because my wife was sick or out of town or she was requiring me to wait — I have had difficulty sleeping due to the sexual energy I have.  I would either have trouble falling to sleep (something I rarely have trouble doing) or I would wake up in the middle of the night; in either case, I would toss and turn with sexual energy as my mind cooked up all sorts of fantasies (the same type of fantasies which often help me fall asleep in the first place and which I write about in the fictional male submission stories I post on my web site).  Would this issue be different with a device on?  I just can’t function well in life without a decent amount of sleep and this could be a deal-breaker.

I decided that I am fine with some loss of sleep last night and tonight and last night wasn’t too bad.

But what about Monday night.  Will I put the device back on?  I don’t think I will need to.  That close to my wife returning home even in a sex-crazed state I am not so crazy that I would risk having an orgasm just a day before her return.  Having sex with my wife soon after an orgasm is just not nearly as fun for either of us and even aroused and ready my mind is not going to be that altered to disregard that.  Hopefully that is not famous last words lol.

Early afternoon update:  10-15 minutes of strong pleasure or keep the thing on for the love and submission of my wife and the increased enjoyment we will both get when she returns?  Easy choice.  Easy easy choice.  Damn, why is it so tough! lol  I did look at a few fun pictures, I guess to torture myself (??), but fortunately they didn’t do anything for me because I knew there would be no pleasure or payoff.  What time is it?  Shoot, she won’t be back for 3 more days.  I haven’t e-mailed her yet about this, not sure if I will, she likes surprises so I should not e-mail her but I can’t be wearing the device when I next see her since I will be coming home from work.  She probably wouldn’t care much either way about the device anyway, but I think she will enjoy my being chaste.

Mid-evening update:  I slammed my fist down on the table and threw my PC mouse across the room.  No, actually I didn’t, this is sort of what I did in my fictional story Male Chastity Device, or, er, I mean what the protagonist “Ted” did in the story.  I do feel some of his frustration, though not in any angry way (I very rarely get angry at all, it’s not my nature), just that I am being deprived of something very pleasurable.  It would be a good frustration if my wife were perpetrating it on me but that is not the purpose of it this weekend, I am doing this to remain chaste and also to experiment with the device I have.  Depending upon how well I sleep tonight I am thinking that it would be worth buying an actually decent device, if my wife is up for it (and I believe she would be).  I am thinking of something metal and it seems as though prices have gone way way down in the past few months.  The non-metal cb6000 is on Amazon for around $50 (it was $150 a few months ago) and the metal spiral is on some other site for that same price.  The spiral doesn’t look too easy to clean and is rather heavy, though, whereas the one with the vertical bars (jailbird, I think?) seems easy to clean and is lighter with less metal.  Is it okay to shower with one of these on and does that clean it?

I haven’t researched this much, still not ready to buy yet.  It was just yesterday that I was skeptical so I need some time.  But it’s looking good!  I just hope my throat doesn’t get sore from all of my whining and begging of my wife when I am in chastity for more than a few days.

Apr 6, 2012 — Male chastity experiment #2

I did it.  My wife is out of town for a week and told me that I may have one orgasm while she is gone but I would like to save myself for her so that the feelings are more intense when we have both waited.  However, I don’t have a huge amount of willpower on my own so while I was successful last time I withheld from myself while she was gone by just stopping myself before I achieved orgasm, I wanted some more help this time.

So I locked myself into a leather gates of hell chastity device tonight.  I’m not really locked into it as I’m just using the plastic lockable things which come with the device and I could cut those off at any time.  But I won’t take it off all weekend, unless it becomes too uncomfortable or I really don’t sleep at all due to it tonight.  I don’t expect much sleep tonight because the darn thing is rather uncomfortable and bulky but hopefully it’ll be enough and I can take naps tomorrow.  Sunday late night I will take it off as I don’t want to risk being exhausted from not enough sleep Monday morning at work.

I’m going to back up a bit.  Regarding my post last week about subspace, that was a time I will always cherish and always remember.  And fortunately I did not experience any noticeable subdrop other than the usual Monday semi-blues because I had to go back to work (actually, I am very fortunate to have a stable job considering the economy but, it’s still a semi-blue day most of the time).

Ever since my BDSM desires reawakened about 6 months ago, I have been looking at male chastity with fascination.  This is one of the BDSM activities I had never previously fantasized about, despite my umpteen billion hours of fantasizing over my adult life.  I guess I had just never heard of it.  As with everything, I have been telling my wife about it, relating experiences people have talked about and we share our feelings; we talk about stuff a whole lot and one of the reasons she enjoys full body rubs for 30-45 minutes is that she likes to hear me talk, and I mostly talk about BDSM because it is interesting to me whether it is relating FetLife posts or giving her a synopsis of the latest BDSM fictional story I am writing.

While I have been fascinated with male chastity for several months, I have not wanted to spend the $150 for a device because I am not sure, and not even knowing at all, that I would like it.  From our discussions my wife would possibly enjoy it and at the very least she would be neutral to it and fulfill my desires (though I wouldn’t want it unless she would enjoy it at least somewhat) so I had basically a green light but I just don’t know if I want it.

Concerns:

1) Would my libido diminish?  My wife has denied me an orgasm a bunch of times in these 6 months just for her fun, extending me to almost a week without an orgasm (my normal is twice a week or maybe a bit more).  It’s fun for both of us from a control standpoint but I find that if I know or have a strong suspicion that I won’t orgasm, my erections do not last nearly as long.  That is a problem.  Neither my wife nor I want my level of sexual excitement to reduce.  Just being around her usually gives me an erection from time to time, even only one day after I orgasm.  We don’t want to lose that.

I see comments from some men in chastity that they are aroused very often while in chastity, not erect but emotionally or mentally aroused.  Just in my very limited experience with denial (though without a device) I am not aroused, I am the other way, I am less interested.  Gosh I don’t want to be less interested in sex.

I think one factor in this is that my wife does not do much tease and denial on me.  I would enjoy that — mainly because I am a total slut for her touching me anywhere, especially there even if I will not orgasm — and maybe that is a key element missing and why I do not have much of an erection when I’m probably not going to orgasm.  I’m not going to push my wife into teasing me more, she does plenty for me already.

2) Standard concerns about practicality of wearing a device while at work Monday through Friday, showering, how uncomfortable it would be, etc.

3) A male chastity device prevents erection so I am worried — very worried — that my penis would train itself not to become erect.  Would my ability to even get erect be greatly diminished?  Ouch that would be a really bad thing.  My wife and I are not interested in longterm denial so my worry is that after having used a device for months with just a break for an orgasm every week or so I’m in chastity for a week and then have a tough time even getting an erection, let alone actually having an orgasm.  While my wife is dominant, she is not cruel to me (I would like a lot more cruelty but that’s a different issue).  If trying male chastity has a significant risk of training me not to get an erection, then ouch.

4) I do not need to be aroused in any way to pleasure my wife, whether with a full body rub, chores, oral sex, or anything.  One of the benefits of male chastity is, from what I read, the increased desire to please but I don’t think I would experience that because I already love to please my wife.  Maybe I’m wrong and this could increase but I don’t know.

5) (added 4/7, how could I have forgotten this concern?) Every time I have gone longer than my usual 3-4 days between orgasms — whether because my wife was sick or out of town or she was requiring me to wait — I have had difficulty sleeping due to the sexual energy I have.  I would either have trouble falling to sleep (something I rarely have trouble doing) or I would wake up in the middle of the night; in either case, I would toss and turn with sexual energy as my mind cooked up all sorts of fantasies (the same type of fantasies which often help me fall asleep in the first place and which I write about in the fictional male submission stories I post on my web site).  Would this issue be different with a device on?  I just can’t function well in life without a decent amount of sleep and this could be a deal-breaker.

Why the heck am I still interested in male chastity with all of these concerns?  It’s about the control.  I would love for my wife to take a whole lot more control of me.  Mean control.  And pleasure in being mean.  A male chastity device almost always on me would likely increase my feeling of being controlled/victimized and just typing this now slightly gets me uncomfortable now in my cage.  So I want to pursue looking into it but the concerns are real and I want to be careful.

A few months ago my wife bought me a leather gates of hell male chastity device as a present.  It allows us to play with chastity at a much lower price so that we don’t feel bad about buying something which doesn’t work out well.  Unfortunately, the first several times I tried it on I simply couldn’t get it to fit.  The leather straps were just too small, how could anyone get into them?  And the metal cage was very difficult to get on fully on my limp penis as it was way too long for when I’m limp; when I am erect I was long enough to fit through the cage and I would have leverage to push through but when erect I simply can’t fit in the cage (that’s how it’s designed).  So either way the cage just didn’t seem right.

How on earth could I even get this to work?  I tried several times and then finally hit on the solution to both issues.

I had to stop being careful with my balls.  It’s a natural tendency for me to be careful when trying to wrap the strap around my balls but I found that if I just pulled the balls a bit away from the strap and then ungently wrapped the strap around the base of my dick and balls as hard as I could, it did not hurt at all and I could lock the straps in place.  It is easy now that I have this technique.

And as for getting into the cage, it took me a while but I finally realized that I do not have to pull myself through the cage to fill it.  Just get myself in there and lock it up so I can’t touch it in any arousing way and if I get aroused it is constricted in the cage.

It’s now easy for me to get this device on, takes me a few minutes.

But the thing is bulky and somewhat heavy.  It is straight, unlike most cages which are curved downward, and it gets in the way when I try to do most things.  For example, just emptying the dishwasher I have to be careful to leave 7-8 inches in front of me or else I bang it with a dish by mistake.  I could point the cage downward so I don’t need as much room in front of me but it doesn’t really stay downward and the straps tend to pinch my skin when I push it downward.

Worse than the bulkiness is how heavy it is and due to that the straps pinch my scrotum a bit.  It’s just a limitation of the device.

When I tried it on for a Saturday several weeks ago (experiment #1) when my wife was in town I didn’t feel chaste or controlled, I just felt tormented due to the discomfort (the lack of a feeling of control was because I initiated putting it on, my wife didn’t command me).  And with the discomfort and just generally getting used to it I didn’t sleep much at all that night and was a zombie the next day.  Almost 50 years old I can’t enjoy life being a zombie, oh to be 20 again.  In any case, I asked my wife if I may be released and she said yes.

I don’t think I’d used it since.  Until tonight.

Last night with my wife gone for a couple of days so far I had a good session of touching myself and almost got to a point of no return.  I rarely do this when my wife is in town because she gives me plenty of pleasure of a lot of different types and I enjoy her a whole lot more than by myself.  But I almost got to a point of no return last night and I knew that tonight I would be in danger of breaking my attempt at being chaste until my wife returns.

I didn’t quite know a way out of the danger.  Just abstaining altogether is tough when I sit at my PC all night and with just three clicks of a mouse I could be watching something really arousing.

Then I remembered the leather gates of hell.  So I got my weekend shower and hair wash out of the way tonight, started the laundry and dishwasher, took in the trash barrels, and retrieved the mail from our outside mailbox.  Then I “locked” myself into chastity.  I plan on staying home all weekend anyway so that’s not a problem.

I’ll see how it goes.  I could already feel a bit of pinching, especially when I move in my chair/couch somewhat fast.  Whenever I move at all I need to basically hold the cage in my hand so it doesn’t cause the leather straps to pinch me which means it’s a big part of my life even just moving around in my chair.

I suspect that this experiment #2 will fail.  In general my wife doesn’t like me to be negative like this but I view it as managing my own expectations to avoid disappointment, and I’ve learned not to be outwardly negative to her.  I would love to be able to wear this until Sunday late night but I suspect that it will only last until Saturday late night, that’s where I’d put the over/under.  Hopefully I’m wrong.

This isn’t even real chastity:  1) I’m doing this to myself without my wife even knowing about it (I won’t tell her until she gets back, or at least that’s my plan), and 2) the locks on the device are easy for me to cut off.  So I won’t get the psychological enjoyment of my wife having control over me but I will get the negative aspect of the discomfort and probable loss of sleep.  That’s a recipe for not-so-good but it’s not an insurmountable set of issues, I hope.

Anyway, I will report back on a later blog post with an update one way or the other.

Thanks for reading this and feel free to drop me a note by commenting on this entry or e-mailing me at nrjb2@yahoo.com if you have any thoughts you would like to share.

Apr 1, 2012 — Subspace!!

I reached subspace for the first time!

Despite the date (Apr 1) this is not a joke.

In my post from yesterday (Mar 31) I mentioned that it had been over a week since I had been tortured for more than a few minutes.  Well, last night was worth the wait!

In a couple of my posts from early March I indicated that despite feeling a whole lot of pain in a scene the endorphins would never seem to kick in.  I wasn’t sure, though, because I didn’t know what to compare to other than articles I had read such as the great detailed article at https://fetlife.com/users/259961/posts/940140.  Now I’m sure.  I had not reached subspace before.  Not even after more than an hour of excruciating torture which I detailed in an early March post.

Don’t get me wrong, I reach a submissive mindset very easily with my wife.  When she tells me to get up off the couch and she has that look in her eyes so that I know I’m going to be beaten or otherwise tortured, I immediately become afraid and submissive which is a great feeling.  When my wife tells me to stand in the corner or even just to fetch her water, I feel very submissive.  Subspace is a different thing.

Just hours after I finished yesterday’s post, late last night my wife had that look in her eyes.  As she pulled me by my dick across the house into the bedroom she told me that she just had to whip me, as if she had pent up frustration to release.  She used the bullwhip on me as she often does but she is getting better with snapping it off against my back and butt and right from the first crack of the whip it was painful to me.  The first several blows were quite painful though not enough for me to more than give a brief yelp, maybe because I am getting better about being able to take this pain without screaming.  She then told me to shake my butt so I did and then she started laughing with joy and didn’t stop for around 10 minutes.  The bullwhipping lasted only a few minutes and when she stepped right in front of me, between the wall and me, to put the bullwhip back on its peg I thought we were done.  She said something like “It’s okay” which gave me a further feeling that we were done.

Then she literally grabbed me with her hands on my shoulders and pushed me a couple of steps and then pushed me onto the bed face down.  Gosh I love that, it hasn’t been part of our dynamic much but to be handled like a rag doll really gets my motor running.

So far it’s been two things to really get my motor running, good snaps of the whip and being thrown onto the bed.  I’m trying to understand what happened last night which is why I’m keeping this count.

Next she got out the neon wand and started applying the static electricity to my butt, the back of my thighs, and then my upper back.  It hurt but not to a huge degree.  For some reason, though, I started begging for mercy.  I am not sure why but I felt extra afraid, maybe it was her sadistic manner which was natural and not forced.  Electric shock has a slight bit of a freak out factor for me and combine that with pain and I always make noises (groaning or yelping) when the neon wand is applied to my skin.  My wife loves using the neon wand on me and just kept laughing in joy as a continuation of her laughing while whipping and pushing me.

Then she had me turn over on my back and I knew what was going to happen.  She knew that I knew, too, and she relished my fear.  I begged like there was no tomorrow and she used an innocent girlish voice to say “What?”, as if she wasn’t going to be cruel, which only increased my fear.

It didn’t take her long to zap my dick which caused me, as it always does, to yell loud and jerk my entire body.  In this case I quickly turned over on my stomach not on purpose but as a reaction.  She told me to close my eyes and she zapped my dick and balls several more times, with several seconds between.  I simply couldn’t stop yelling at each zap and jerking my body bigtime.  So she climbed on top of my legs to try to hold me down and zap me.

Then my fear jumped to another level.  What if I couldn’t even turn away from the pain?  I’m getting chills of fear just writing about that.  But when she zapped me again my legs were trying to lift with such force that they almost pushed her off me.  She recognized that it was not safe for her to be near or on my legs as she zapped my dick so she stopped and she put away the neon wand altogether to move onto the next torture.  By next I mean whatever she wanted, there was no script here that I knew of (there was a script only that one time in early March).

My wife then used a paddle on me.  The paddle she has is a flimsy wooden mini ping pong type paddle.  The first time I saw it I thought that it wouldn’t be worth much of anything because one hard blow from that doesn’t hurt much at all.  But after a few blows it stings.  And after several blows it stings a lot.

She spanked my butt with it a whole bunch.  It stung and after a lot of not full strength blows I was writhing and yelling into the pillow.  This had the effect of warm-up which I read a lot about but usually don’t experience.

My wife was also trash-talking me at this time while she was paddling me over and over.  Once I start yelling in pain my voice often goes up an octave.  I’m not sure why that is.  My wife took the opportunity to laugh at me being a baby.  Let’s see if I can remember examples.  As I was groaning in a high-pitched falsetto voice (think Bee Gees) she mocked that voice by copying it.  So I went “Ohhhh” and she said “Ohhhh” in a mocking way.  Then she said somethings like “Awww, baby getting hurt, you’re such a baby” making me feel like a wimp for not being able to take the pain of a flimsy paddle.

Then she took my humiliation further as I started to cry.  Between strikes of the paddle on my abused butt my wife made me say humiliating things such as “I’m a crying baby!” and some other things I can’t remember now.  One of the things I had to say was quite long and I had to concentrate to say it all correctly.  Gosh that was great.

So far she had tortured me for 15-20 minutes and I had not screamed at the top of my lungs (something I often do after just 5 minutes) once.  I think this is an important point and helped me get to subspace.  There was plenty of action and plenty of humiliation but no severe pain.

Then a strange thing happened.  I don’t remember the exact time of transition but at some point the pain from her paddling my butt almost went away even though she was still hitting me.  It was as if my butt were getting numb and as my pain reactions were greatly dimished my wife even said something like “I think your butt is getting numb.”  I began to worry, not from a safety or damage standpoint (I know that some people go through spanking sessions of 30-60 minutes so I didn’t have a safety concern) but from the standpoint of not being able to enjoy the spanking from not feeling it.

My wife put away the paddle and moved on to the crop, which hurts like hell.  When she whacked my butt with it, there was definitely pain and I yelped but the pain was not severe, even after several whacks.  She moved on to my thighs and then the pain level immediately jumped, I was not numb there.  Still, I was not screaming into the pillow, or not screaming at the top of my lungs.

Then a strange thing happened.  I was not yelling, I was moaning even as the crop was coming down on me.  It was not moans of pain.  It was moans of a mindset of being victimized is the only way I can describe it.  “Ohhh, mhhmm, Ohhh.”  The crop was not relentless on me as my wife was being judicious with the blows and even using a lot of light taps against my butt and thighs and I think this helped.

I was aware of myself and wondered why I was moaning.  I asked myself “Is this subspace?”  I didn’t think it was but I wasn’t at all sure.

Then my wife had me turn over and she paddled my thighs and even my dick a couple of times, not too hard.  I wasn’t moaning but I was enjoying it and the pain wasn’t too much.  I watched the sadism on her face.

Next, my wife changed gears altogether.  She clipped a clothespin to my left nipple.  I am learning that the exact positioning of the clothespin makes a huge difference, in this case there was not much pain as I guess the clothespin was not clipping just the tip of my nipple.  I didn’t look though because I was focused on what else my wife was doing.

She was giving me a hand job.  I started moaning again, though it wasn’t a subspace moan.  Gosh that felt good.  I was feeling very victimized and submissive from the torture and to feel her hand on my dick was just heaven.  She worked me for maybe 30-60 seconds and then unclipped the clothespin and put it on my right nipple.  This time it was much more painful, not overly-so, but enough for me to be clenching my face and balling my fist due to the pain.  She resumed giving me a hand job and also whacked my thigh several times with the paddle as she worked my dick with her other hand.  The combination of double pain and pleasure was amazing.  I wanted it to continue for a long time but after another 30 seconds or so she removed the clothespin and transitioned to the next torture.

I was told to flip over onto my stomach and as I heard her light a match I started to whine and beg again.  She lit a candle and re-approached the bed and I begged in earnest.  “Please don’t hurt me anymore, I swear I will do anything you say, I swear it” and I meant it.  She replied “I know you will” as she tipped the candle over from high above my back.

As I’ve blogged before, there is no slow drip in this candle, it’s quick drip drip dripdripdrip which had me yelling and I guess screaming into the pillow.  The dripping lasted probably only 30-60 seconds and then she put the candle away and spent a couple of minutes picking the wax off my skin, which slightly hurt each time but it was mostly a rest time for me.

By this time I was back in subspace and when I was not yelling I was moaning every now and then.  As she was picking the wax off my skin I remembered what I had read about subspace and I confirmed that I was definitely feeling floaty, not just tired or exhausted (I had felt those during a scene before), but floaty.

I am fuzzy now on what happened for the next few minutes.  I know that there was more torture, I think more paddling in different areas of my back, thighs, and butt, and some cropping.  I was floaty for all of it.  I also remember being on my back and watching her torture me, I think with more paddling and cropping.  I remember that she was seeming to look at my dick as a potential target for the paddle and the crop.  Yes I remember that vividly.  I was not freaked out by it, though I was begging with all of my heart for mercy (I don’t think I begged out loud, though).  I was looking at her and felt the most submissive I have ever felt.  I don’t know whether or not I said anything out loud but I would have done anything for her and if she wanted to whack the hell out of my dick then so be it.  I don’t think she did end up whacking my dick at this time but I’m not sure.

I am also a bit fuzzy now on how the scene ended.  I remember some false endings in which the torture paused and she was sitting on the bed next to me and caressing my skin only to resume the torture.  I think the scene ended when she just said “Okay” and started putting things away.  I didn’t dare get off the bed without permission so she said “Get up off the bed”.  We hugged and I told her that I was in subspace, hoping that it was a topic we had discussed enough previously (just because we like to talk about all of this stuff) to be understood.  Once the hug ended I had a strange energy going through my body.

I went a few steps back to the bed and as my wife was in the adjoining bathroom I think washing her hands I hugged my pillow and had an urge to laugh.

Tangent time:  The first time I had one of my wisdom teeth pulled I was put to sleep and when I woke there was my wife ready to drive me home.  For the next hour I felt euphoric and could not stop laughing and singing (with slurred words) in utter joy.  That was about 15 years ago and to this day I remember that feeling as one of the best in my life.  The first time I ejaculated inside a woman was with my wife before we were married.  I couldn’t stop laughing with euphoric joy right after that for the next few minutes.

Last night was the same feeling.  I just had to laugh with joy.  When my wife returned to the bedroom I rushed up to hug her again and just laughed and laughed.  She caught onto the joy and joined the laugh.  I think the laughing hug only lasted a minute but the high lasted the remaining 10-15 minutes before bed.

My wife and I didn’t sleep well, probably due to the adrenaline of the experience.  Normally I’m grumpy after not sleeping well but I’m still on an emotional high now the next morning.

People who are used to being in subspace would probably read this (if they read it at all or got this far) as my making a big deal out of nothing but it wasn’t nothing to me.

Those same people would probably warn me of subdrop.  I will try to fight that off if I feel it occurring as I suspect it might.

Anyway, thank you for sharing this experience with me by reading this blog.  If you would like to provide any feedback for me feel free to e-mail me at nrjb2@yahoo.com, it would be much appreciated.