Mar 31, 2012 — Strange week

The past week has been somewhat strange.

On 3/23 my wife tortured me for about a half hour, unexpectedly out of the blue (not that there is usually a reason but usually I have some warning or hint that it’s coming).  I blogged about it in my Mar 24 entry.  Later she actually got on top of me for sex while a clothespin was on my nipple and she was slapping my face.  After that I told her that I really loved the rough sex.

That is the last time I have been tortured for more than a few minutes, going on 8 days now.  My wife’s dominance ebbs and flows as she is new to BDSM and I’m cool with that.  8 days is a long time, though, for me.

A couple of nights ago she came into my room where I was on the PC and she had that look in her eye, telling me of a transgression I had committed.  It was not a major problem or anything like that, if we do have a major issue then BDSM is not involved in our discussion, it was just something she wanted to punish (actually funish) me for.  She gave me corner time but after a few minutes of watching me just stand there with my back to her she got impatient and went to get a heavy wooden spoon.

She spanked me with the wooden spoon a bunch of times but it wasn’t enough to cause me to scream or cry (in other words, it wasn’t much at all since I’m a screamer wimp in general).  She had me spend more corner time with my pants down, maybe another few minutes.

Why is this post in the “Service” category?  Because that was the extent of the physical pain.  But not the end of the fun.  My wife then told me to lie on our hard floor to serve as a footrest while she watched TV.  With her bare feet resting the full weight of her legs on my face I lay there for I guess around 10 minutes.  She uses headphones while she watches TV so I didn’t even have anything to listen to (which is fine by me, I don’t like TV).

It would seem sexy to be lying with my face under her bare feet from a foot fetish standpoint but they were pressed so hard against my face that I couldn’t get any sort of foot fetish pleasure from the experience, other than general humiliation.  10 minutes just lying there is boring though not bad at all.  But that wasn’t all.

She had me get up on my hands and knees and turn sideways on the floor so she could rest her feet and lower legs on my back.  I just stared at the floor on my hands and knees for another 10 minutes.

Then she had me lie on my stomach while she rested her feet on my lower back and butt for another 10 minutes.  I got used to looking at the pattern in our floor.

After a total of about 30 minutes literally doing nothing — which is a very long time for my somewhat ADD personality — she finally let me get up and back onto the computer.

How do I feel about that time?  I did not enjoy it for its own sake, despite how sexy it might sound.  However, I really bigtime enjoyed it for the sake of submitting to my dominant wife who obtained enjoyment from my subjugation.  The “meaner” she is to me, the more I enjoy it (within the limits she and I have previously discussed).  I hesitate to use quotes in the word “meaner” because I crave for her to be mean to me but I know that I should be careful for what I wish for.

There is a point I wanted to make with this post and I am almost there, it is about the beatings or lack thereof.  In the past month I decided to make the bed every morning when I get up or late afternoon if she is still in bed when I go to work in the morning.  She didn’t ask me to do this and we don’t really make the bed in general unless company is coming over.  She tells me that she appreciates it.  It is just a small thing, no big deal, but just another way in which I show my love to her.  Love or submission?  I don’t know, I feel more love when I do these sorts of things but I guess submission is in there somewhere, too.

Anyway, last night as I was standing at attention waiting for her to get to her bedside from her bathroom so that I can tuck her into bed as I’ve been doing lately when she looked at me and asked how I could be so cute.  I blushed and stammered because it’s nice to be appreciated.  As she got into bed and I was pulling the covers over her she then said “How can I beat you when you’re so cute?”

Aaiiiiiiii.  Is that why she hasn’t not been beating me lately?  If so, I need to stop being “cute”!!!

Then this morning after she showered she clapped her hands which, as always, prompted me to jump up from my PC (stopping whatever I was typing) to run to the other side of our house to attend to her (I like when she does that!).  After a shower I knew what she wanted so I begged for the privilege of giving her oral sex and it was great.

Afterwards she told me that she was calling me into the bedroom to beat me but once I started begging to please her she decided what the heck.

That’s great but where are my beatings?  I say this mostly tongue-in-cheek because in reality I enjoy giving her oral sex more, or at least as much as, receiving a beating.  As an aside, I had no clue that I would enjoy giving her oral sex until our first time several months ago.  It’s great being able to give her such great pleasure.

But I think that’s where my beatings are going.  I am too nice or “cute”, especially in the past week, and she doesn’t feel a desire to torture me.  I have been giving her at lot of full body massages for 30-60 minutes, lately, which might be factoring into this.

Another factor is that I am enjoying the role of a slave who does not at all want torture.  She and I have talked about it that my “Please don’t hurt me” should not in any way be interpreted as a real plea (we have a safe word for a real issue) and she tells me that she fully understands that but I’m thinking that maybe I should stop with that role-playing, even though it’s fun and natural (since I’m not a pain slut).  My fantasy is to be tortured “against my will” but that may be getting in the way.

How do I feel about missing out on torture?  In the past, when I’ve gone more than a few days without being tortured I felt that I was missing out bigtime and I was jonesing (craving), probably more craving attention more than anything else (I’m an attention slut for her and thankfully she gives me a lot of attention).  This week I don’t particularly feel that I am missing out.  I definitely miss the torture and am sort of craving a beating but I am okay because my wife and I have had a decent amount of non-painful BDSM or sexual interaction.

Of course what I want is to be tortured or mistreated for a long time every day and be of service whenever I am not being tortured, with breaks only as necessary for work etc.  Maybe I shouldn’t say “of course” because not all subs want that but I would be great with that.  But that’s not going to happen anytime soon and I am okay with that, I imagine that the BDSM in our relationship will continue to grow and for that I am thankful.

Mar 25, 2012 — Submissive Guide blog challenge #6 is a great site with a lot of helpful and interesting information, updated frequently.  This post is a participation in a monthly blog hop challenge.  This month the topic is:

Submissives You Look Up To

We all have people in our lives that we admire, emulate or respect. Tell us about a couple submissives that you currently look up to and why.

This is tricky for me.  I have not been in the BDSM community for long, just for the past 4-5 months (not including over 20 years ago before the internet), so I do not have knowledge of specific submissives for longer than that.

Still, there are a couple of submissives who have been a help along my journey into understanding myself and BDSM as a whole.

1) lunaKM — creator of the Submissive Guide.  For someone new to the lifestyle such as myself, it is difficult to understand how to get past the difficulties we submissives encounter on almost a daily basis, with mindsets, tasks, communication, or even just feeling good about ourselves.  It has been helpful to me to see lunaKM with such a good outlook on these things.

2) the host of the Masocast at — I don’t know his name but his podcasts are not only very informative but also quite entertaining.  The way he approaches questions of his guests is exactly the approach I would want to take (if I ever were to become an interviewer), polite and deferential but not skipping tough questions.  For example, when he had a guest who was recounting his experiences with a ProDomme the Masocast went ahead and asked how the guest’s wife felt and when the guest said that he had not told his wife the Masocast delved further into that, without being confrontational or accusatory.  Also, the female dominants they have had on the Masocast have been very interesting.  To me it is helpful and interesting to hear the male submissive and female dominant perspective, which is different from most of the other podcasts I have heard.

Mar 24, 2012 — Fixation for CBT

My wife seems to have a fixation for torturing my dick.  I’ve already blogged about how with the Neon Wand she seems to focus her attention and enjoyment on zapping my dick and balls, with most everywhere else as sort of a warm-up for that, but she also likes to nowadays just whack my dick over and over with either her hand or sometimes with a crop or even a paddle.

She just walks up to me and starts whacking away on my dick.  Tonight I reached my arms out wide for a hug and she instead just started whacking away!

I’m just lucky that she doesn’t read about real CBT because then I think I’d really be in for some agony!  I’m not going to show her any of the toys used such as parachutes, clips, etc., please don’t you tell her either!

Last night my wife told me to stop immediately what I was doing (which was reading on FetLife) and she pulled me by my dick into the bedroom for torture.  This is her usual way of leading me into that room.  After a decent session from the bullwhip on my butt and back in which as usual she laughed a lot, my wife had me get on the bed face down.

She started whacking me in my upper back with my belt and my gosh right from the first blow it hurt like heck.  Strap after strap and every one of them was almost agony.  I screamed and yelled and even started screaming continuously between blows.  How could I be such a wimp?  Then she used the crop on me and the same thing, it hurt like hell.  For the first time during a whipping I actually thought about using the safe word but I wasn’t really close to doing that and I am very glad I did not because once the torture was over I knew that I enjoyed it.

I think the reason I was overly-sensitive is that we had particularly good sex several hours beforehand so I was not sexually aroused at all.  Or at least that’s my theory.  I imagine that most BDSM couples engage in BDSM before sex but torturing me does not arouse my wife (it makes her laugh in enjoyment but not get aroused).

The torture continued beyond the impact toys with the Neon Wand (she mercifully didn’t zap my groin more than a few times, probably because of all of the screaming, she even said a couple of times that I need to quiet down).

She hadn’t used a clothespin on my nipple for a few weeks since I safe worded from it (Mar 6 blog entry).  We talked about it a day or two afterwards that the reason I safe worded was because the clothespin was quickly applied twice and that was just too much pain for me.  My wife applied the clothespin (once) and it hurt but not unbearably and I managed not to scream (groaning loud does not count as screaming!).

Then as one of my nipples was feeling pain from the clothespin my wife started giving me a hand job.  This was just several hours after we had sex and to my surprise I was able to get hard again.  Oh my gosh it felt good, feeling strong (or strong for me) pain in my nipple at the same time as being stroked.  It was very confusing to my senses and brought on what I consider to be very good subspace.

She didn’t take me to conclusion with that (I don’t think she could have, I’m not an 18 year old!) and then just put the clothespin on the other nipple.

Anyway, back to CBT, it is not at all off limits or anything but anything other than her hand freaks me out to some degree.  I love being whacked on my dick by her hand and that never fails to make me hard but if my wife ever finds out about real CBT, I might really need to work on not getting freaked out by it.

Mar 18, 2012 — I am hers

Yesterday I blogged about my wife not eating any food and my unfounded fear that as a result I would have a tough day (well, tough meaning enjoyably dominated).  Today, however, my ass was grass.

At around 11:45am I had finished all of the online stuff I had to do, taking care of issues etc., and I figured that was a good time to clean the other bathroom so I did.  My plan was to eat a quick lunch after that and then play a computer game I had been wanting to play recently (Mass Effect 3).  About 20 minutes later my wife, who was cleaning the kitchen at the time (I’m not sure why she didn’t tell me to do that but I wasn’t going to think about questioning her lol), pointed out a few things I didn’t do when cleaning the bathroom.  She was right, I am new to cleaning bathrooms and I just didn’t think of these things.  I told her that I had not done these things in cleaning her bathroom yesterday and she confirmed that I should take care of them today.

I took care of those clearning issues in my bathroom, ate lunch, and took care of the cleaning issues in her bathroom.

I’m pretty sure that those who clean bathrooms for a living aren’t forced to wear a butt plug with a harness to hold it in!  This made cleaning somewhat tough but at least I wasn’t thinking of a computer game!

My wife complimented me (making me smile) and I thought I would go play my computer game but she told me to strip and get on the bed with the plug still in me.  She tortured me for almost a half hour and geez does she do a good job going way past the point of where I’m yelling and thrashing against the bed.  In honesty, because I’m a wimp the yelling and screaming point isn’t long at all but I am glad that she is able to get past that (way past that).  As always, when she used the Neon Wand on me she giggled with every yell and jerk of my body.  The belt and crop were alternated on me and I screamed a lot.  She ended with the cane which isn’t actually a cane but a somewhat thick and heavy stick; still, it hurt like hell for about a half dozen blows on my butt.

Then she had me give her a full body massage for maybe 20 minutes.  I’m happy to do that anyway (frequently) and after being tortured I was ready to obey just about any command.  Then she snuggled me and we talked for a while.

When I got up I was ready to finally play the computer game but my wife told me that I needed to be punished for not brushing my hair yet today (I was gonna later, honest!) so she bullwhipped me for a few minutes and giggled a lot during that.  I love feeling and hearing the sadist in her!

With my mind on the computer game, my wife then told me that we were going to take a walk around the neighborhood for exercise.  It was a good day for a walk.  Once that was done, as always she had me remove her tennis shoes and socks and lick the sweat from her feet.  I really love that (this is not sarcasm) and get to do it frequently.

I had thought that I finally “earned” some  computer game time but instead she decided to play her computer game on my PC as I watched (we both enjoy this, I help her as she plays).  Then dinner.  Then she played some more while I watched.

9 hours after my plans went different from how I expected, I’m going to start playing my damn computer game now!  lol

Nov 4, 2011 — One of our first play times

I wrote a journal about one of our first play times together a few days after it occurred in Nov 2011 but didn’t have a blog to post it to at the time.  Today I found a picture of myself from the experience on Nov 2011 and went back to find my old journal entry which I have copy-pasted below (with just a few corrections and additions).  I have posted the picture on FetLife (see below for link).

Nov 11, 2012 — One weekend we took a short overnight trip and my wife indicated to me that she had bought some toys for our hotel stay.  She denied me from achieving orgasm for 6 days up until the Friday of our trip and that was the longest she had ever denied me (though I gave her pleasure that week through penetration pulled out prior to my orgasm but not here, and from my fingers).  I did not know what the toys were but I had an idea.  I had worried about the emotional buildup because I didn’t want to experience disappointment but the experience went beyond what I had even hoped for.

During dinner at the hotel my wife drank two mixed drinks of alcohol.  My wife rarely drinks and when she does it is always just one drink.  Until that night.  I don’t drink alcohol at all but I could see that my wife was hammered, she was forgetting things we just talked about, she was repeating herself, and she just didn’t seem like she was in full control of her faculties.  I was discouraged, not only in her poor judgment on this of all nights, but also because it could have ruined a fun evening.  Near the end of dinner I decided that I would not let her inflict anything on me – especially anything new – in her drunken state so I decided that I would help her take a nap as soon as we returned to the hotel room.  I rubbed her feet and she did nap for 10-15 minutes.

When my wife woke up, she commanded me to strip and get on the bed.  She did not seem drunk any more so I was very glad.  She had told me that alcohol tends to have an effect which wears off very quickly.

My wife had purchased Velcro beginner wrist and ankle restraints and secured me face down spread-eagled to the bed.  I was expecting to be whipped with my belt but what happened next was much more frightening.

My wife brought to my attention a pink butt plug.  Based on some of the comments she had made during the week I thought that a butt plug might be on the agenda but this plug was much bigger than I had thought it would be.  It looked huge!  The plug seemed to be as tall as the width of my body, how could that go inside me without coming out the other end?!

Later, my wife told me that the reason she had two drinks earlier was so she would be able to force the big plug inside of me without wavering in her resolve.

I knew that the angle would mean that it would not come out the other end and I knew that a butt plug was a standard type of device which probably thousands of people use so I didn’t really fear harm.  But I was still scared as this had never been done to me before and that thing was huge!  Earlier in the week I had warned my wife that I might beg and she should feel free to react with whatever mercy or evil she wanted to (as long as the safe word was not used), my begging was just part of being submissive and not meant to truly ask her to stop, so I went ahead and begged with all of my heart not to put that inside of me.

My wife laughed at me as I begged.

She put some lubricant on the plug and began to insert into me slowly.  I tried not to resist but I couldn’t help it and my butt was fighting back on its own.  It felt like the plug was making little progress despite the strong push from my wife but then my wife began to twist the plug as she forced it in and then I felt progress in addition to pain from the plug being twisted.

During this first experience I was inundated with new physical and emotional sensations.  I felt violated and every tiny movement or thrust of the plug brought gasps and groans as I twisted my body against the restraints.  It was pain but it was not severe.  The humiliation and violation I felt was severe (in a good way).

My wife finally stopped the torture after I am guessing 15 minutes, I felt the plug being removed and she was rubbing my butt gently to calm me down.  I was somewhat disappointed in myself because it seemed like even with the twisting and forcing I was only able to take a couple of inches of the plug but I was wrong, my wife said with surprise in her voice that the entire thing had been in me!

I was still catching my breath from all of the gasping and groaning when my wife asked if I enjoyed it and I gave a hearty yes.  It was a humiliating and painful experience, just what I had hoped for!

My wife decided that I had not had enough of the plug so she stuffed a large cloth in my mouth and placed a blindfold over my eyes.  She then forced and twisted the plug into me again, despite my groans and struggles against the restraints.  We both knew that I could take the plug all the way so there was no need for my mouth to be free to be able to say the safe word so my groans were muffled by the gag.  Once the plug was inside me all the way again, my wife told me to hold it in as she stepped away for a moment.  With all of the sensation and emotion going through me I had no idea what I could to do hold in the plug but it was still in when my wife quickly returned and started whipping my bare butt with my belt.

Being whipped with a belt is somewhat painful in general and the pain grows with more strokes.  Whatever the reason, though, the pain I felt at the first couple of blows was quite intense and I screamed into the gag in my mouth.  She whipped my butt for another several strokes and I closed my eyes, screamed into the cloth, and just tried to bear it.  She then whipped my upper back hard and that too hurt like hell.  Fortunately, she stopped at that point.  I could have taken more, maybe much more, but it is still painful just to think back to it.

After my wife had pulled the plug out and removed the gag and restraints, she told me to get in the large hotel room shower with her and I gladly complied.  She had me rub soap all over her body and then rinse it off.  Then she told me to get down on the shower floor and I had no idea what this was for so I got on my hands and knees.  She told me, though, to sit down on my butt so I did and then she did what I was hoping she would do.

<I digress> One of the themes in many BDSM stories is for the dominant to receive sexual gratification from the submissive and I had hoped that my wife would be able to take advantage of that to help her enjoy the BDSM experience as much as I do.  So far this week she seemed to be enjoying it quite a bit with close to 5-8 orgasms to my zero (not that I was counting, well, maybe a little!).  Usually my wife would only experience 2-4 orgasms during our twice-weekly sex but this has been quite a week even before the weekend.

A common method of receiving sexual gratification is for the submissive to use his tongue on her private parts.  I had never eaten a woman out before.  I had never even thought about it, it just didn’t seem like something I would ever be okay with doing.  My wife, too, had never experienced it before.

But earlier in the week, in the context of our BDSM relationship and in the hopes that my wife would find it enjoyable, I made a comment that this is something I would be willing to try.  Fortunately, my wife took my hint and commanded me to do this for her at this moment in the shower.

It was a lot easier than I had imagined, especially since I knew we were clean from being in the shower.  I can only observe from her reactions but I believe that she loved it, beyond loved it.  I won’t say more because it’s only from my observation so I will leave it at that.  Much later in the same evening she had me do this again to her on the bed.

I felt great.  Not only had I experienced my first intense – or intense compared to anything I had done before – session of being tortured but I had enjoyed it immensely (I wasn’t absolutely certain I would enjoy it until I tried it).  And the experience had led to a great pleasure for my wife.  It was a win-win.

After the shower my wife had me bend over the bed and take it in the butt one more time.  She forced the plug up my butt yet again and told me to hold it as she backed me away from the bed.  I could feel the plug coming out so she had me sit on a nearby chair to force it in me some more which felt even more intense.  It still wasn’t intense pain but it was just such an unaccustomed feeling that it made me gasp and cringe with every movement.

My wife then lay face up on the bed with her legs hanging off the edge and commanded me to enter her while I stood next to the bed.  I managed to keep the plug inside of me and with my wife lifting her legs so that her bare feet were in my face, which I loved, she helped me enter inside of her.  I thrust a few times to both of our pleasure and she told me that she wanted me to imagine that a man was fucking me from behind at this moment.  I would never want that imagination to become a reality even in this sort of BDSM setting (or I don’t think I would, that would be an extreme which is way beyond my limits at this point) but the fantasy of this increased the humiliation.

The plug fell out and once my wife was satisfied she pushed me away with her feet so that I was denied orgasm.

Later, we lay on the bed together and told each other how much we loved the experiences we were going through tonight.  It was quite an “ordeal” for me and I felt content, or at least until I would be allowed to orgasm, but my wife had other ideas.

She told me to bend over the bed again and I begged about being sensitive down there by now but my begging had no effect.  My wife once again for the fourth time in the night forced that huge plug inside my butt and guided me to sit on the chair.

While I was groaning and squirming in pain and humiliation, my wife took my left wrist and wrapped the restraint around it, and then pulled my left wrist tight to behind the right side of my body and tied the restraint to the back of the chair, repeating the process with my right wrist behind the left side of my body.  My arms were crossed in front of my chest like being in a strait jacket.  This was extremely exciting as with every small movement the plug played with my insides and I could not get up.  This felt like about as evil a thing as she could do.

But I was wrong.  She put the gag back in my mouth and put the blindfold on my eyes.  She then lifted my right ankle to sit on top of my left knee and wrapped a restraint around it and tied the restraint around the left side of my body to the back of the chair.  Then she lifted my left ankle up to the chair and restrained it around the right side of my body.

I was completely unable to move and restrained in a yoga-type straight jacket position, with that huge plug forced by the seat of the chair up my butt!  I was still involuntarily moaning and in such a horribly diabolical torture I began to whimper.

As a response to my pain my wife turned on the TV and sat down to watch it and me.

I was in a great state of emotional and physical distress (in a good way).  With every slight squirm I felt completely violated by the plug and I couldn’t even beg or scream due to the gag.  I tried to whimper-beg my wife to show me mercy, well, in reality I didn’t even have to try, I really was whimper-begging, but I knew that I was going to have to suffer until my wife decided I had enough.

I heard a click and my wife laughed and said that she had taken a picture.  When we got home later in the weekend I saw that she had e-mailed the picture to me.  I have posted a picture of myself in this position on my Fetlife profile at

I felt so helpless that I cried into the blindfold while still whimpering.  I don’t know how long it was, maybe 20 minutes total, but my wife released me and I knelt on the floor crying and hugging her leg.

This was one of the best experiences of my life and I told my wife this.  I had been brought to true tears with humiliation and pain and hope to feel that again and again in many different ways.

Later, when we went to bed to sleep my wife told me that I would be sleeping with my face pressed up against her feet.  In my victimized and submissive state I was all too happy to comply although I mentioned with as much respect as I could that I would probably have trouble sleeping that way but she said too bad.

Neither of us slept for a while as we kept adjusting different ways for her feet to be in my face.  She then asked if I would like to flip up and sleep normally, I said yes please but she said tough.

I was in more and more of a frenzy of not having achieved orgasm in the past six days so after around a half hour of kissing her feet and sucking her toes I begged my wife to allow me to enter her.  I begged over and over with all of my heart feeling very dependent on her yes or no.  She said that I could flip up and snuggle her from behind so I took what I could get and did that, not daring to show any of my angst at still not being allowed to orgasm.  Instead of just hugging, though, I gently caressed her breast and could feel her entire body tingle at my touch.

After another minute of this my wife had me get up on my knees on the bed and enter her from behind.  I did this and just as she was achieving orgasm I felt myself finally reaching that blessed state.  Fortunately, she did not stop me in time and I exploded inside of her.

A few moments later my wife told me sternly that I was bad, I shouldn’t have done this.  She said that her plan had been to make me wait for 2 more days!  I was mortified by her evil intentions and felt very relieved that I would not have to wait 2 more days.  But I still fear what might happen due to my “transgression” (edit later:  fortunately there was no punishment).

Actually, I fear my wife in general now.  She has taken control of me and could do basically whatever she wants with me.  And I love every moment of it.  She has already shown that she will use me as her sex toy over and over while purposefully humiliating and hurting me.

We both know that there are limits and there is a huge amount of love between us which is what makes our relationship and our marriage special.  I believe that our new BDSM relationship has made our great love stronger, I know that it has for me.

Mar 17, 2012 — A day of service

My wife has indicated to me that she is going to eat nothing today.  She is doing this as a sort of effort of cleansing the body in taking in only specific liquids, nothing spiritual, just for health and something to try.  I can’t say that I understand it but that’s not the point.  She told me that it could be a somewhat difficult day for her and she may need to take it out on me, which is consensual because I have told her many times that I am up for whatever submission she wants of me (and she knows my limits).  I responded by saying that I would be here for her, helping her with as many massages, beatings to receive, or whatever she wants.

I noticed an interesting article today:

My wife has told me a couple of days ago that I will be doing the laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, and learning how to dust today so I am putting this post under “service” but I suspect that there will be plenty of torture as well.

Or maybe she is not going to take things out on me at all.  Either way, I will update this post with what goes on.  I am looking forward to it.  Stay tuned!

Early morning:  my wife woke me by rubbing my head.  Mmmm.  She had been up already and when I got out of bed she grabbed the crop and with wide eyes asked me what is in the sink.  Damn.  I had let a glass casserole dish soak after dinner last night but forgot about it.  After she cropped my bare butt a few times I ran to the kitchen without even putting my jammies on and washed out the glass dish and also the additional dish she had put there.  The air was very cold without any clothes on!

Mid-day:  nothing yet (other than finishing up the laundry).  I don’t think she has been hungry today yet.

Late afternoon:  I guess my wife is handling not eating fine, I’d be climbing the walls if I didn’t eat anything.  For the third time in four days she has commanded (allowed) me to give her oral sex (this is something relatively new to us and she just loves it so I love it too) and follow up with penetration although today just like a couple of days ago she did not let me orgasm.  But this isn’t anything unusual.  She has started to enjoy just whacking my dick with her hand anytime, whether we are just walking into the kitchen or while I am pleasuring her, and who knew that it would make me hard?  It hurts but I enjoy the dominance it shows, it turns me on a lot.  Anyway, I’m guessing that other than finishing up chores (laundry is almost done and I will take care of cleaning the bathrooms probably tonight and dusting will probably be tomorrow) there may not be anything further to blog about today.  Maybe I’m wrong.

Late night:  I misread the situation entirely.  My wife’s attitude today was not one of angry or frustrated dominant, it was a day to relax.  I don’t know how she can be so good-natured about not eating.  I’m not sure why there is this dynamic but our BDSM dynamic seems much less in play on weekends than during the week.

As for the “day of service”, at least I got all of the laundry done and cleaned one of our two bathrooms.

Mar 15, 2012 — A painful night

Tonight when my wife got home from dinner with her friends, she sat on the bed and had me take off her boots and kiss her bare feet.  Nothing unusual there, just great.  I mentioned that I liked her stiletto heels which is something she doesn’t wear often and she told me to lie on the ground.  Still sitting on the bed she then put one bare foot over my mouth and the other foot with the boot still on was pressed against my stomach and chest in several places.  Trampling is not a particular fetish of either my wife or myself and there wasn’t much pain here, just a bit of fun.  But that was just a start.

My wife asked me if I had emptied the dishwasher.  I truly did not have any excuse for not doing it while she was out, I had finished my own dinner and was anxious to get on FetLife and just got wrapped up in answering posts and messages that I didn’t get to the dishwasher in time.

My wife used this as motivation to punish me.  In truth, I think she would have tortured me anyway but the headspace dynamic was there and I found myself apologizing many times and promising to be a good boy going forward.

My wife told me to strip and get on the bed, face down.  She then whipped my upper back with the belt.  Usually I can take at least a few blows before it gets really painful but tonight for some reason it hurt bigtime right from the first stroke.  And she kept swinging that strap on my upper back over and over, it must have been a total of at least two dozen blows and I yelled or screamed with every one while thrashing against the bed.  It was great, I really felt victimized, but I didn’t know if I could take more.  I guess my screams took on a different pitch somewhat out of control so my wife moved down to whipping my butt before going to work a bit on my back again.

I was almost exhausted after only maybe 5 minutes.  Then she got out the neon wand and zapped the back of my thighs, my butt, and all over my back.  It hurt but not a huge amount until she held the wand in the same place for a few seconds at a time.  It’s a difficult thing to do, though, because I always thrash so much whenever I’m being tortured and the wand needs to stay a fixed distance from the skin for the electricity to keep going.

Then my wife had me turn on my back and I knew what she wanted.  Why she loves zapping my dick and balls I don’t know but probably because it makes me absolutely scream and jerk my body around.  At first I thought it was the freak out factor causing me to do this but it just hurts more on my groin than any other place.  She applied the wand to a few other areas first but we both knew what she really wanted, and of course she got exactly what she wanted.  At just the first zap on my balls I screamed at the top of my lungs for just a brief moment and completely flipped over to the other side of the bed, returning quickly when she commanded me.  She zapped my groin I think 3 times and I was thankful it wasn’t more.

She then had me flip onto my stomach again and got our biggest butt plug (which isn’t huge, more medium-sized) and put it all of the way in me for around 5 minutes as she went into another room to take care of something else.  When she returned she used the crop on my butt a half dozen times, not much at all.

Then, with the plug still in my butt, my wife retrieved a heavy wooden spoon and held my legs from thrashing around as she whacked my butt cheeks over and over with the wooden spoon.  The spanking seemed to go on forever with mostly medium strength whacks, with the pain building.  It wasn’t agony like the belt earlier but there were a whole lot of blows and I was crying my eyes out into the bed.  It was really hot.

The spanking lasted probably 10 minutes, not heavy until the very end.  I was spent but my wife had more in mind.  She lit her long candle and I knew the level of pain was going to increase.  I begged and promised to do anything she wanted, even though I knew it would do no good.

Aren’t there candles which can slowly drip just one drop at a time?  Her candle seems to drop drop drop with no break between.  She holds the candle way up above me but on my lower back it still hurt like hell and I was again screaming my lungs out into the pillow.

Hmmm, I’m wondering if anyone reading this thinks that I’m an abused husband who doesn’t like this?  lol  In case there is any doubt, I love everything I have typed in these blog posts.

Anyway, because she could sense that I was near my limit my wife held the candle vertical to stop the drops for a few moments.  I was still screaming and my wife belittled me by saying that I’m such a baby and the drops aren’t even falling.  Then she tilted the candle again and a splotch of wax dripped onto my lower back.  Oh my gosh ouch!  I’m still waiting for endorphins party of one!  She dripped the wax in more drops onto my upper back and then she took the candle away, to my relief.  I actually thought about using the safe word but I wasn’t close to using it.  I think.

Then my wife had fun picking the somewhat hardened wax off my back.  It stuck to my tiny hairs, of course, and I gave a bit of a yelp with most of the times she picked it off me but it wasn’t bad pain.

My wife removed the butt plug which I had almost forgotten was there — not really but compared to the other pains the sensation of the plug wasn’t much except between tortures when she would move it in and out of me just to humiliate me — and I was ready for aftercare.

But she still wasn’t done!  She told me to assume the position for a whipping and when I stood facing the wall with my hands pressed against the wall and way above my head, she cracked the bullwhip against my back, butt, and thighs for a few minutes.  She has gotten really good with the bullwhip and every few blows is almost agony.  My wife particularly likes the cracking sound with a good blow on my butt.  The ones which hit my lower back just above my butt seem to hurt the most, for some reason.  The bullwhipping lasted a few minutes and she doesn’t take any breaks.  Strong arm dominant wife, that’s for sure.  At one point she said “I can’t believe you let me do this to you!” so I gave her my little dance which is to wiggle my butt and simulaneously wag my slightly-erect-at-the-time dick back and forth which always makes her laugh and gives me a bit of a rest, but ony for a couple of seconds.

After the bullwhipping my wife had me get face down on the bed again.  I honestly can’t remember now, 2 hours later, what she did at this point, but it was soon over and I was crying into her breast while she comforted me.  Edit:  my wife tells me that the bullwhipping was before the butt plug, bit of cropping, and candle wax — it’s difficult to remember through all of the screaming!

A tangent:  typically I write fictional stories (taken from decades of fantasizing) during the day and these blog posts at night.  When I write these blog posts they more and more mirror my fictional stories and I have to almost pinch myself that this is really happening, my wife is destroying me with torture and it is so great!

Once the aftercare was over I ran to the dishwasher and emptied it and took care of a few other chores I had put off.  My wife and I had to prepare a small package for mailing and I saw the look in her face when she cut off a piece of sticky packing tape.  Sure enough, she had me press my lips together and she put the tape over my mouth.  The tape stayed on my mouth for only an hour, though, because when she asked if I had done my 25 nightly push-ups I pointed to my nose that I didn’t want to be unable to breathe through my mouth while doing strenuous exercise (I know that 25 isn’t a lot but it’s my limit at one time, hopefully I will improve).  I felt like I was just making an excuse.

Whew, what a night.  Much much better without a script!

Later, my wife asked me if she went too far with the torture.  I assured her that she didn’t and told her how wonderful she was and is.  Wow am I a lucky man.

Mar 10, 2012 — Increasing service

My dominant wife and I went out of town for a few days on a business trip for my work.  While I was in business seminars all day each day my wife was enjoying the sites of the city with a couple of her friends who had also made the trip.  Sleeping in a strange bed and tiring seminars made me very tired and somewhat cranky by the end of each day.

One night my wife asked me where I wanted to go for dinner and I expressed a couple of strong general preferences (“limits”, so to speak), including that I didn’t want to go outside of the hotel because I was too tired, but any of the ten or so restaurants in the hotel would be good.

My wife thought back to my insistence over the past couple of months that with a few specific exceptions she may make whatever decisions for us she wants to regardless of preferences I state.  She took advantage of that opportunity and told me that we were going to walk to a restaurant a few blocks away.

This was a big step for her because she is always very considerate of my feelings.  Later, I told her that I was proud of her stepping into a dominant role like that.  On top of settling the issue (which is good in itself), it made her happy to get her way and I cherish that.

Just after she made the decision she turned the TV on loud, tied me to the bed, and whipped me all over with my belt, telling me that I better not be cranky or tired that night with her and her friends.  While my wife was whipping me she laughed and said that she loves BDSM because she loves getting her way.  She even placed her bare foot on my face (so nearby rooms would not hear my yells of pain) as she whacked my thighs while I was tied spread eagled face up.  Needless to say, I loved that!

Also needless to say, I was on my best behavior all night, I don’t think I showed any fatigue or crankiness.

On the trip home my wife told me that I was a good boy and she would torture me for another hour at some point (tomorrow?).

Tonight my wife told me to go get her a carrot from the kitchen.  I remembered that a week ago after I brought her a carrot a few minutes later she told me to get her another one so this time I brought two and sort of hid the second one in my other hand.  To my delight she told me to get another carrot and so I immediately presented it to her.  She said she just wanted to see me run into the kitchen again.  Was that anticipating/accommodating service or was I being lazy in bringing two carrots so I wouldn’t have to make the short trip twice?

Mar 6, 2012 — One hour of torture

Try to breathe regularly.  My ass!

Ouch my ass, and a lot of other places.

I survived.  My wife went through with the script (see Mar 5 post), every bit of it.  And I only yellow safe worded twice! lol  Look back at the script and see if you can guess which parts made me safe word (not what I would have expected).  I will indicate it later in this post.  I must have sucked in every air molecule in the room because I was gasping for probably 2/3 of the time when I wasn’t literally screaming which was a lot.  I guess I learned that my vocal cords can handle a lot of screaming, and so can my wife’s ears.

Seriously, it was great.  It was my first every time being tortured for more than about 20 minutes (not counting being tortured for 20 minutes and tied up for another hour or more).  What is all this I read about endorphins kicking in and making it where you can take more pain?  I didn’t seem to feel much of that.  As the scene went further it just felt like my skin was more sensitive and every blow had me screaming into the bed.

So let’s go through it.  Bullwhip was good, she really loves to use that on me a lot lately, every day for the past several days actually.  It seemed to go on forever (which is a good thing) and I was glad to have the pace slowed after several minutes to allow me to be able to take it.

The belt hitting my upper back over and over really hurt, just like I’ve experienced before.  Every blow has some force behind it from the thickness of the belt and it feels like an affront to my body to be whipped like that, I love it.  The scene continued with more of the belt and I felt like between a dozen minutes with the bullwhip and a half dozen intense minutes of the belt (not that I was able to keep track of time or anything), I felt like I was being whipped to hell (in a good way, of course).  Endorphins please? lol

Neon Wand hurt but not bad, my wife likes to use that on me and laughs when I yelp and jerk my body as I always do.  This was not a respite but a different type of pain and not as intense so it was a good change of pace.  The “slowly” part of dripping wax on my chest and stomach did not occur, there were drops right after drops and even though she held the candle up high that hurt like hell and I screamed a whole lot.  I think I was more sensitive than usual due to what I had gone through already and I couldn’t even count how many drops fell (maybe a few dozen?).

Clothespins on my nipples hurt a lot and I was screaming but then after maybe 30-60 seconds I was getting used to it (as had occurred before) and that’s when we went a bit tilt.  At that time my wife removed the clothespins and re-applied them even more on the tip and that had me screaming bigtime.  She started slapping my face but that didn’t register in my mind due to the pain in my left nipple especially.  I had to yellow and ask for the clothespins to be removed, which she did.  I don’t know what would have happened if the clothespins were not re-applied like that.

One of the most surprising parts was how much being slapped on the thighs (while face up) with a lightweight paddle hurt.  I was literally screaming at the top of my lungs with each one of those and there must have been a dozen on each thigh (maybe my memory of pain is exaggerating it).  It didn’t last long, fortunately.

By this point once the clothespins had been applied my dick was completely limp.  In fact, I rarely am erect while being tortured in general.  Is that the case for most men?  In any case, my wife slapped my limp dick several times and then tried to give me a hand job for a minute but my dick was completely unable to do anything, although it did feel good.  More Neon Wand was good and then she zapped my dick with it twice, per the script.  However, since she loves doing that so much she said that because there were no clothespins she was going to zap my dick some more and she did it a half dozen more times.  That hurt like hell and I screamed and momentarily jerked and sat up some against the restraints.

Whipping with the belt on the front of my body this time.  I grew to hate the belt at that time lol.

I had had enough by this point but I knew there was more.  I didn’t remember details but I knew the crop and the cane were still on deck and I was worn out.  The restraints were momentarily removed and I was told to flip back on my stomach.  Unexpectedly, there was tons of wax on my chest and stomach and that hurt once I was lying on my stomach.

Then the crop started to rain blows down on me.  Almost every single blow was a nightmare of pain.  Oh my gosh it hurt.  Endorphins party of one please!  I screamed with almost every blow and even between blows I was sometimes screaming my lungs out with my face pressed against the bed so I wouldn’t be too loud.  There was sometimes time between each blow but my skin didn’t recover and each blow was agony.  Probably due to my screaming so much my wife ad-libbed and went into the kitchen to whack my butt hard with a spatula.  All I felt was pain and at this point it all seemed to blend together.

Then my wife hit the soles of my feet with the crop.  The first blow on each foot was fine, albeit painful, but the second one on my right foot hurt like hell for some reason (I guess that’s the point!).  She paused between whacks and alternated feet but after I think 3 more blows on my right foot I couldn’t take the pain any more and tapped out by saying yellow.  She thankfully moved on to the next torture.

The came the dreaded ice pack on my back.  She teased me with it applying it for just a second or two at a time in different areas and I was really dreading the full on application to my back but that didn’t particularly occur, I am not sure why or maybe it did occur but not in the middle of my back (?).  It wasn’t bad at all and was almost a respite from the intense torture (intense from my point of view).

Last was the cane on my butt.  It isn’t a cane per se, it is a somewhat thick and sturdy uneven stick, maybe about as thick as a thumb.  Does a real cane hurt much worse?  I suspect so and I suspect that I simply wouldn’t be able to handle feeling a real caning.

The cane felt very much like the crop and she even started alternating the two at the end, sometimes with the crop on my back.  For most of the time there was plenty of time between cane shots so it wasn’t bad but then my wife proclaimed that she didn’t like waiting and she is in control so she started just whacking me with both implements, alternating, with maybe a few times of a short break.

Hard to say but I felt like I was almost ready to safe word red.  Fortunately, I didn’t.

After about a half hour of this over one hour scene I was somewhat warm and worn out, as if I had been running for awhile.  I guess that was adrenaline.  What should I have been feeling from endorphins?  I didn’t feel that I was in a somewhat drug-induced endorphin high as I’ve seen described and it certainly wasn’t from lack of pain (from my point of view).  I felt like I was in subspace (or at least my own view of what that is) for almost the entire scene and that was great.

Surprisingly, I didn’t cry at all until aftercare began.  I often cry near the end of a 10-15 minute scene while still being whipped.

So I guess to sum it up the pain was more than I expected, mostly from the crop, the wax, and the clothespins but other than the two times I yellow’ed it was not too much.  The pain on my thighs from being cropped and paddled was more than I expected.

Overall it was an amazing great experience and my body is very worn out from it.  I thanked my wife and we had a great hug and then a great kiss afterwards.  She will allow me to give her a really long massage before we go to bed tonight.

Thank you for reading and please feel free to post!

Mar 5, 2012 — Script for a torture scene

Need wooden paddle, clothespins, candle, neon wand, crop, cane (thick stick), ice pack, and belt.  Should be done at least 2 days after most recent orgasm (not sooner).  No blindfold or gag.


* 5 minutes – bullwhip with no extra time between blows

* 5 minutes – bullwhip slow down with an extra 2-3 seconds between blows, 4-6 strokes then after hitting a good one wait 5-10 seconds, resume with an extra second or two between blows

* 2-3 minutes – bullwhip with no extra time between blows, let me have it! ouch!


* physically guide/push me onto the bed, face down on bed, no restraints

* 1-2 minutes belt on upper back with an extra 2-3 seconds between blows, 4-6 strokes then pause 10-15 seconds, resume with an extra 2-3 seconds between blows

* 1 minute paddle on butt, not hard, just warm up both cheeks

* 2 minutes belt on butt, calves, and thighs with no extra time between blows

* 2 minutes belt on upper back with an extra 5 seconds between blows, 4-6 strokes then pause 10-15 seconds, resume with an extra 5 seconds between blows; end with a few hard strokes to the back ouch!


* face up on bed, restrained spread eagle (arms level with shoulders)

* climb on bed, smile into my face and show me clothespins, set clothespins aside

* 2-3 minutes (not long) neon wand all over but not on groin, a couple of times on nipples but not more than that

* 2-3 minutes slowly drip wax on my chest and stomach, not much, just a drop every several seconds so I am not in agony

* apply clothespins to my nipples, wait 30-120 seconds as I get used to the pain, once I stop yelling then proceed

* 1 minute climb on bed, smile into my face and slap my face several times, not too hard and no back-handed slaps, I will already be in pain from the clothespins

* 1 minute slap my thighs (or use paddle if you prefer)

* 1 minute slap my dick with your hand (pull it up if you need to in order to slap it) several times

* 2-3 minutes give me a hand job, pleasure only (in addition to clothespins still on), if I am not reacting with an erection after 1 minute then proceed to next

* 5 minutes neon wand all over but not on groin

* zap once on dick, wait 10-15 seconds, zap again on dick

* remove clothespins

* 1 minute belt on chest, stomach, thighs


* face down on bed, restrained spread eagle

* 2 minutes paddle on butt, not too hard and not fast, warm-up

* 1 minute crop on butt a few times, normal strength, not much time between blows

* 5 minutes crop on butt with 15-30 seconds between normal strength blows (some tapping and some waiting between blows); this will be a lot of blows but spaced out so I am not in agony

* 3 minutes crop to the arches/soles of my feet (not to the balls, toes, or heels), alternating feet with each blow, 10 seconds between blows; a total of 10 blows on each foot

* 1 minute a few more hard crops to the butt with 15-20 seconds between blows; ouch!


* 1 minute go into the kitchen to retrieve an ice pack, this will be my only “break” of the session

* 1 minute apply ice pack to my lower and upper back a very small amount (alternating between upper and lower), just a small amount of pain, almost a tease

* 2 minutes apply ice pack to my lower and upper back (alternating), ouch!

* 1 minute paddle on butt, not hard and not fast, just a warm-up

* 5 minutes cane my butt with 20-30 seconds between blows, only on the sit spot

* Finish with 3 blows from the cane to my butt, no break between blows; ouch!

* No more pain


* 2 minutes lie on the bed and require me to suck your toes (while I am still restrained)

Scene is now over

* 5 minutes un-restrain me from the bed, have me sit up and hug my head to your breast for hugging aftercare, gently pet my hair and kiss my head a few times, do not caress my skin

* return to normal life but do not try to talk to me about mundane issues, I may be in a fog of heaven/subspace for 20-60 minutes, feel free to rub me or have me rub you

The times listed are guidelines but should not be quicker than this.  If the session is going too quickly, then slow down such as more blows or more time between blows.  If the session is taking longer than this, that is no problem at all.

The session will ebb and flow, with times when pain is not that much and then a lot of pain.  I can’t take 60 minutes of intense pain, 50 minutes of some pain mixed in with a few times of intense pain.

* crying, begging, sobbing = no mercy

* screaming loud after more than 2 consecutive blows = slow down but do not break the scene

* Yellow = stop all activity (remove clothespins) but do not break the scene; if it is just a specific issue such as circulation in my hands I will let you know; resume after 2 minutes

* Red = stop all activity and break the scene completely, gently touch me and ask what is wrong, help me sit up and hug me

Please enjoy.  Take your time.  If you want to tell me how much of a wimp I am crying that is great, or any other trash talk.  Ask me if I would like you to stop torturing me and when I say yes just keep torturing me anyway.

Do not break the scene except if you think I need water then ask (if I’m crying then you can ask “Does the crybaby need water?” or you can just ask normally, either way is fine).  If you are worried whether I am okay then whisper in my ear “Green?” and I will answer “Green.”

What is that? ^^

My dominant wife is new to BDSM (a few months now).  A few days ago I asked how she would feel about a one hour scene instead of 5-15 minute scenes and she was interested but expressed that she would quite know what to do for that long.  I asked if it would help if I created a script and she said yes very much.

I didn’t really want to write a script because topping from the bottom is very much against my grain.  But I put her pleasure way ahead of mine because I know I would enjoy whatever she did.  Would giving her this script put pressure on her?  I sincerely hope not.

She looked it over this morning and gave me positive feedback and tonight she said that she was very appreciative of it as it was very helpful to her.  I reassured her that this was just a guideline and not to feel pressure or having to hit any certain times and she told me she understood.  I love her so much.

She “warned” me to get ready for tomorrow night.  And then she whipped and cropped me tonight for 10 minutes as a warm-up.

After coming up with this script this morning I have been anxious all day, beyond just the anxiety of how she would feel about the script.  In my fantasies I have been into BDSM for over 30 years but prior to the past few months I have only had one real experience of being whipped etc. (back in my 20s, it was a fairly mild scene).  In the past few months my wife has done a 20-minute scene of pain with additional time for bondage only but a 60-minute scene of pain is far beyond what I have ever endured.

I still have fear about it.  Will I be able to take that amount of pain?  Will I safe word?  I have a low tolerance for pain and generally it doesn’t take me long when my wife is torturing me to scream into the bed at the top of my lungs (and run out of breath which is why I comment about water above).

Will I be okay?  I’m afraid but I’m looking forward to it.

What do you think of the script?  Please feel free to post here!