I saw a comment on a dominant woman’s FetLife profile a few days ago about understanding your own feelings about submission vs being dominated. It resonated with me in helping me understand a basic framework for what I enjoy. I interpreted her comment in that submission is initiated by the sub while being dominated is initiated by the dominant, and it made me think.
Before BDSM entered our lives about a year ago I enjoyed as a loving husband doing things of my own initiative for my wife, little things, big helpful things, etc. I don’t claim to be all Mr. Attentive but I felt pleasure when I was able to initiate something to please my wife. For any husbands out there who don’t enjoy that, try it out, but then again you are probably not reading a blog by a subby guy anyway. It was a way for me to show I love her because something I initiate obviously comes from my heart. We don’t do the whole tit-for-tat thing, I’ve never understood that dynamic, so just-do-something-nice-for-each-other is our approach. Just a tiny example is when I would anticipate something she would want and I would bring it to her.
By contrast, I didn’t particularly enjoy when she would ask me to do something. I didn’t dislike it, but she initiated it so I felt that my obedience … oops, wrong word since I am still referring to back when we were mostly vanilla … my agreement to do what she asked did not obviously come from my heart. When she initiated it, I went out of my way to perform some task but didn’t get the boost of pleasure from obviously showing in my heart that I love her, so overall it was a “meh” experience. Also, I lived alone for most of my life, my parents were mostly hands off (which worked great for me) and after I moved out at before I was 20 I lived alone until moving in with my wife in my early 30s. And then to be asked to do things did not fit what I was used to at all. I did not chafe at it, though. By the way, I think my wife doesn’t even know (until she reads this) of my perspective on the issue because I never really thought about it much until I saw that dominant’s woman’s FetLife profile comment.
So when we were mostly vanilla, I far preferred initiating service, rather than being asked to serve.
But now, being my wife’s slave, my submission is the other way around for that issue. I far prefer to be required to do something rather than to initiate it. It’s much more exciting/kinky to be ordered around like a slave, even for mundane tasks. That is because my kink is that I enjoy when my wife gets some sort of sadistic pleasure at my suffering, the more the better. If I initiate something then I do not feel my wife’s sadistic pleasure, just her pleasure at being served.
I recognize, though, that dominants typically don’t want to order slaves around to do service, that’s a lot of work for the dominant when the slave should just do it, so service usually means that I initiate it. That is why, as I have mentioned on this blog before, I have a bit of a difficult time enjoying providing service.
Here is the cool thing for me, though. I still enjoy initiating doing things for my wife, in the same way I did as a husband. I still don’t go overboard with that as I am not Mr. Attentive (I am going to be patient with myself to improve in that), but being her slave I do try to think more often about what she would want.
Where does the husband pleasure end and the slave pleasure begin? It doesn’t matter, except to try to understand myself, with the idea that slave pleasure is what turns me on while husband pleasure is just a nice feeling of showing love. They are certainly intermixed but I do recognize a difference. I don’t think I get much slave pleasure at initiating service. And I am beginning to be okay with that. Rather than trying to strive for slave pleasure in initiating service, I am just going to be glad to receive husband pleasure at initiating service because that is enough for me. Bottom line is that my wife receives service.
What does my wife prefer, to dominate me or to receive submission? To a large extent she feeds off my energy. Which type of dynamic does she prefer? I suspect that she enjoys both evenly.
Last night after she returned from being out of town for about a week (in which I had almost no slave pleasure or husband pleasure, so I doubly miss her nowadays when she is out of town), and in the evening after we had (euphemism alert) renewed acquaintances, I initiated a specific service task which is something I have done very little of before but what she has hinted at back when we were mostly vanilla. I drove her car to the gas station to fill up the 1/3 full gas tank in her car. This is a very minor service, plenty of vanilla people do this for their spouse, it’s just not something I would previously think of because I’m not Mr. Attentive.
My wife loved it along with other service I initiated last night and she told me that it made her feel like a Princess, which is how she often wants me to address her. That made me feel good hearing her say that. She likes the feeling of being my Princess. I felt like a good slave. And who wouldn’t enjoy their slave to initiate service? If I had a slave I would certainly enjoy it lol (wait, who said that?).
However, my wife also enjoys initiating on her own. Sometimes I will initiate something and she will say “No, I made you do that.” We laugh because she is joking but she does seem to go out of her way to initiate my slavery.
She has always had a sadistic pixie streak (a little devil inside) in which she would like to pick on me but held back because, before BDSM entered our lives, I was not her sub. I still liked being picked on by her but she definitely held back. There is no holding her back now. At any waking time of day or night she will pick on me with some sort of pain out of the blue and for no reason (slapping, CBT, pinching, biting, poking, spanking with her hand or some nearby implement, or whatever) or some sort of humiliating command I must obey. Obviously, I love it, doesn’t every sub? (Actually no, not at all, many subs do not enjoy being tormented whatsoever, but I digress.)
My wife also seems to enjoy commanding me in non-kinky ways, to get up and fetch something she legit wants, to go do a particular chore now, and so on. Yes she enjoys when I initiate service but she also seems to enjoy commanding service, and I am glad for that.
Even though my wife commands service, we do not have a punishment dynamic to go along with that. I have read comments on FetLife from a few others in which they must obey or else suffer a punishment and I enjoy reading about that dynamic. But I just obey regardless, because I am my wife’s slave. I don’t consider the consequences of disobeying, it just doesn’t enter my mind to disobey.
That said, I do disobey from time to time because I am not at all perfect despite my always obedient intentions. Mostly it is due to memory or lack of attention to details.
Wait, did I just now associate the term lack of attention to details with myself? Now that is strange for me, because I consider myself a recovering perfectionist. I have made an effort over the past 25 years not to obsess too much over details, once I recognized that I would typically go overboard in that area. I am still very detail-oriented and analytical, but now that I am having to do things I never did before, I find that I sometimes unfortunately neglect details.
For example, my wife likes her bed covers tucked in at the foot of the bed. I don’t like this on my side of the bed at all and never paid any attention to doing it before. But now in the past year that I am responsible for always making the bed (which is a very quick and easy task each morning), I need to make sure that her bed covers are tucked in the way she likes it.
After I finished the laundry this past weekend I made the bed and I informally measured how far to pull her covers so that I could tuck them in just the way she likes it. I was proud of myself for remembering, even though it’s just a simple thing. Then, when she got home she told me to lie on the bed face down. I figured that she just wanted to play a bit (and I was right) but then she asked me if I forgot something while making the bed. With the paddle in her hand I quickly and fearfully said that I made it just the way she likes it but then she flipped up the bed cover, shoved it in my face, and said that it wasn’t tucked in. I have visions of “no wire coat hangers!” Damn! How could I forget to tuck in the covers?! Whack whack whack yell-in-pain whack beg-and-squirm whack etc. I had 3 days to notice it but I missed it. Idiot slave.
Later in the evening my wife was showing me something on FetLife and I was standing behind her. I sometimes get a bit eager puppy-like when she and I talk about BDSM and I interrupted her so she raised her voice a bit (something she rarely does), pointed to the floor on the side of her chair, and told me “Sit! And shut up until I tell you to talk!” I know that my place in her room is to sit on the floor – the cold hard floor, by the way – and not to stand there like a free person but I guess after a week of not really feeling like her slave when she was out of town, my slave skillz deteriorate. Obediently, I sat on the floor and pursed my lips together. She talked more about what she was looking at on FetLife and just 30 seconds later I said something clarifying an issue. In other words, I opened my big fat mouth despite a direct command not to. I couldn’t even think of even the tiniest excuse.
My wife immediately gave me a wide-eyed “I can’t believe you did that, you are screwed!” look and I tightly pressed my lips together but it was too late. She grabbed a nearby pair of solid metal pliers and told me to stick my lips out like Angelina Jolie, and then she clamped my lips together while she held the pliers. She was not gentle and it hurt quite a bit to feel the metal of the pliers clamp on the flesh of both of my lips. My wife kept hold of the pliers and said “That’ll make you shut up” as she continued to tell me about what she was looking at on FetLife. With my mouth closed I could not yell in pain so I just whimpered or groaned while making sure to keep my hands away from trying to pry the pliers off my lips. I am glad that I couldn’t yell because my wife wanted me to shut up so she could tell me about the FetLife issue.
My wife removed the pliers after about a minute (or probably only a half-minute, I whimper rather pitifully sometimes) and you can bet your last dollar that I zipped up my mouth tight until a couple of minutes later when she told me that I was to speak. She was looking at a very long and detailed set of male slave protocols from a dominant woman’s profile I had sent to her (at her request after I mentioned the article while we were talking on the phone a few days ago) and one of the main protocols was “Obey” in bold letters. I told her I like that protocol and she said “Oh really, I can’t tell?” I thought she was just joking, like saying “Of course you love to obey, silly” but what she meant was that I was disobedient. Moi? No way! I obey!
She pointed out, though, that I do disobey such as opening my mouth just minutes ago. Oops, she had me there, dead in my tracks. And I remembered about the bed covers, and I know that I fail to obey many other times. I bowed my head in shame and acknowledgment of my shortcomings. To help my understanding of how disobedient I am, or just because her inner little devil showed up, my wife grabbed the pliers again and with careful aim clamped them on one of my nipples, making sure not to grab the flesh around the nipple because that wouldn’t be as painful (“thank you Princess”, slave intones). With my mouth unencumbered I yelled in pain, loud, though I covered my mouth with my hand so I wouldn’t hurt my wife’s ears. “I promise to be a good slave!” “You better!”
So we don’t have a punishment dynamic, but we do have a funishment dynamic. And I love it, every little horrifying bit of it lol. And my wife loves it because she can pick on me all she wants without feeling any guilt whatsoever, even when I am earnestly and honestly begging with puppy-dog eyes. Later in the night, after inflicting some minor random 5-second torture or another on me, she told me that we had a lot of picking on to get caught up on. My begging puppy-dog eyes turned into moon eyes of love.
I wonder what a punishment dynamic would look like in our relationship. It would be very difficult because, and feel free to sing along here as I bring up my usual refrain, I love anything sadistic my wife does to me or has me do (other than hard limits). I’m a glutton for her “punishment,” whether physical or mental. I particularly love when my wife does things to me which I otherwise dislike. Contradictory, but true. There are plenty of things my wife could do to me that I would legit dislike (and she has done many of those types of things to me) and that I would actively try to avoid, but I would still love it because I would feel victimized.
I have read on FetLife that many dominants who use punishment like to take a painful activity and make it un-fun for the sub, such as not giving warm-up during a spanking or using a torture toy in a different way from when it is used during play. But I love anything sadistic my wife does to me or has me do (other than hard limits) so I don’t know what would work as punishment. My wife could go past my limit such as whacking me so hard and so much that I would just have to safe word but that wouldn’t seem to work, either, because it’d be like play (albeit I have only safe worded thrice so far in the past year).
What about not having a safe word at all during corporal punishment? I have read about many who have this dynamic. I don’t know what to think about it. I am not a pain slut so it probably wouldn’t take all that much extremely hard whacking for me to try to tap out, but I don’t know what would happen if I were pushed past a safe word and not allowed to utter it (I know that this is fantasy land for some masochists but not for me, well maybe it is but in reality I don’t desire it). I really don’t know how I feel about that but it doesn’t really matter because I am almost certain that my wife would not want that in any case. Punishment isn’t meant to be fun for either participant and if it isn’t fun then my wife wouldn’t be motivated to have that dynamic.
So I don’t think a true punishment dynamic would work. I am never disobedient to a level which legit angers my wife or makes her think that a true punishment is needed, so I think we are fine without a punishment dynamic, albeit the idea of it is hot.
Fortunately, funishment seems to work on me. I don’t enjoy pain for its own sake so when I am feeling the pain or even the humiliation, if done well with lecturing etc. it can really drive the point home of whatever my wife is trying to funish me for. It is too early to say the long or even medium term effects of the funishment my wife has applied to me in the past several months, but at least short term it seems to work so far (she might disagree lol).
I am not sure about random inadvertent disobedience, though. What do others do about that? If I am funished for speaking when not allowed to, for example, I think that would work short term to correct my behavior on that specific issue but what about the bazillion other little potential obedience issues? I guess a dominant can funish for every little transgression, but that seems to be a lot of work for the dominant. Although, I guess if it’s funishment then it would be fun work.
I suppose that some dominants use obedience training techniques for general obedience or work on specific tasks of obedience to focus on. That seems rather advanced for us, we are rather new to BDSM and I don’t know much about this topic which is probably best reserved for dominants who might be in position to take advantage of the knowledge.
I have mentioned speech restrictions and I admit that it was really hot to not be allowed to speak. I talk a lot (what a surprise lol) so to have to hold my tongue is not easy for me, and it seems like a violation of decency not to be allowed to speak (“violation of decency” = hot).
The slave protocols I mentioned earlier in this post list detailed speech restrictions for the slave. However, my wife doesn’t at all like me to be silent because she loves when we talk so I don’t want to give the misleading impression that speech restriction is anything we do, it was just this one time last night.
On a separate topic, one thing I have noticed is that lately when I am motivated to write (which is at least a few times each day) I have been focusing much more on private messages with friends, blog posts, or FetLife group posts, rather than on my fictional stories. It is much easier, of course, to write non-fiction or about my own thoughts than it is to write fiction, and it is very interesting to read the thoughts of others. More importantly, writing non-fiction gives me a double dose of pleasure in not only being allowed to share my thoughts with others who might be reading this (thank you for reading this!) but also in focusing on pleasant memories.
Consequently, progress on my next fictional story has been very slow lately. I consider my stories to be the most unique portion of my web site because there are a bazillion BDSM blogs out there (interestingly, each with their own slant and I enjoy reading several other BDSM blogs) and while there are many thousands of free fictional BDSM stories (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com is my favorite place for that) most of them are either short or focus on aspects of BDSM which are different from what I focus on in the stories I write. All writers have their own style and what they focus on, which is great because it means more variety for readers.
In any case, I want to focus more on finishing my latest fictional story of Financial Domination because it feels good to complete and post a new story, and I want to get to the climax of the story.
I have an idea for a new story about a man who is an abusive molester, frequently pretending to be into BDSM and consensually tying up women and tormenting them, but always taking them past the safe word into abuse, especially women who are new to BDSM and may not recognize an abuser. I will not go into any detail about that within the story because my site is about male submission and the thought of a woman being hurt is not easy for me or something I want to write about, I will simply mention his proclivities to set up his character (or lack thereof). This man will meet a woman who turns the tables on him and he will really get what he has coming to him, eye for an eye style. I usually write about male subs and victims I can identify with but not in this case, my sadistic side is going to really come out with this one and there may even be some unsafe and non-sane activities. I anticipate the woman going too far, but then most of the dominants in my story go too far.
Hopefully my wife doesn’t get any ideas from that story!