Sep 3, 2013 – Poly

In my life I frequently encounter guys who strongly imply that they would like to have sex with an attractive woman they see passing by (whether or not the guy is married), but I have never felt that way.  I am sure that my lifetime of never having a desire for casual sex, and my lifetime of not really having sexual contact with much of anyone (almost zero sexual experience) prior to meeting my Princess over 15 years ago, is a big factor in that.  If I see an attractive woman, or in some cases an attractive guy, I might enjoy what I am seeing but never with the association of anything sexual.  I used to look at attractive women (and the occasional attractive man) with a sort of dreamy-eyed look but I would never associate that with wanting to have sex.

I used to ask myself “Self, what would you do with her if you would meet her and you both like each other?” and my answer was always “Hmmm, I dunno really, but I’m still going to look.” One reason to look would be that there was a nagging feeling in my mind that I should be looking for a partner, but I didn’t put pressure on myself.  Before my Princess I had two girlfriends, one for over a year as a teenager before I was ready for anything, and the other in my mid-late 20s as a long-distance relationship (difficult since it was pre-internet) and I ended up meeting her in person for only two or three weekends.  And now that I am married (for over 15 years), I have no reason to look at anyone so my occurrences of looking at anyone in that way (finding someone attractive) is almost nil.  “Every guy looks, being married isn’t being dead” is something I have heard.

But I am dead to anyone other than my Princess from a sexual standpoint, they do nothing for me no matter what they look like or what they do.  I suspect that this is not true for many guys who do look, and that is fine for them, but it just isn’t what I do because that isn’t interesting to me.

The same is true from a romantic relationship standpoint. Before I met my Princess I was open to a relationship, but now all of my romantic love – and the effort to show my love – is directed towards my Princess and I am dead to others from that standpoint also.

I remember before we got married, my Princess and I were in a chatroom together (ours was a long-distance relationship before I moved to the Bay Area to be with her) and a guy wanted to propose to his girlfriend but worried what might happen if a more attractive woman approached him. In his view, every guy would at least be tempted to drop their partner right away if someone else amazingly attractive came along. “Uhh, no” was my thought to that. Our comments to him was that if this was a worry then he was probably not ready for marriage. We never heard back from him.

This past weekend my Princess posted on FetLife (which is a rare thing for her because she typically only reads my posts without responding), in response to someone else, that my Princess would choose me over George Clooney.  Well, as ridiculous as that may seem I feel the same way about my Princess for whatever other person you can name. I can’t think of a female equivalent to George Clooney but whomever that is, in the way out in space hypothetic that she sashays up to me with intimate intentions, why on earth would I even want to consider that?  Money?  Ok, that’s the only reason I admit lol. Because sexuality, sensuality, and love are not interesting to me from anyone other than my Princess.  In fact, considering that my Princess is the only woman in whom I have had an orgasm, the thought of intimacy with anyone else makes me think yecch.  My Princess and I joke with each other that she can have George Clooney in order to get his money but that’s all she would want him for.

This is probably why cuckolding is one of the few BDSM dynamics I have never fantasized about, even though it was fun from an imagination standpoint to come up with the two cuckolding fictional stories I wrote.

On FetLife and other BDSM sites people are generally open to alternative lifestyles and the issue of poly comes up somewhat frequently.  After all, if someone is open to a lifestyle of D/s, why not also poly?

In my case, despite my monogamous personality as I indicate above, I am very open to people living how they want to live consensually whether that’s being in a poly household, having a harem of whatever genders, or whatever the heck they want.  I do not hold monogamy as the right choice for everyone, just for me.  I happen to enjoy hearing or reading about those who enjoy alternative lifestyles (I’m not sure why I enjoy reading about it but I do, it’s very interesting to me and just plain enjoyable to read about).  So if someone posts a question about poly I think to myself go for it if that is what you want.

For myself, I think of the work required for both of us to keep our marriage strong and think omg I wouldn’t want to have to do double that amount for being poly. “Work”? Yes, it is work to help keep most any relationship strong, but most everyone knows that, I think.

There was a FetLife group about monogamy which I joined about a year ago but the owner of the group found that in another group I was … gasp … promoting for people to live how they want to live (poly). I got a good laugh out of flouncing out of that group.

Ok, not much BDSM in this post but I will mention that several days ago my Princess did that shush thing she does to me. She applies some sort of implement of pain to me, and when I yell loud as an involuntary reaction to the pain (even when I know that the pain is about to occur) she shushes me just in case the neighbors hear us from somewhat down the street. It’s not my fault! To make matters worse, several days ago after she shushed me she re-applied the neon wand again to a very sensitive area and I yelled loud again which caused her to shush me again. What on earth?! lol

May 29 – Bioshock Infinite and a rant about discrimination

The following entry has no BDSM-related content.  It has strong spoilers of the first sections of Bioshock Infinite, which is a computer game I blogged about a month or two ago.

On FetLife recently someone opened a thread about the relation of index and ring finger sizes with dominant or submissive tendencies.  It was not a super-serious thread and one I would just skip but it sort of coincided with something in the computer game Bioshock Infinite which my Princess is now playing (as I watch her play and provide help and encouragement).

Is a generalization relating human beings’ physical characteristics with something non-physical a reasonable topic?  In a blog entry a few weeks ago I stated that I am intolerant to intolerance, meaning that if someone is intolerant of others then I am usually not okay with that.  However, I am finding that I am rather intolerant myself to certain points of view.

Here is where the big game spoilers are.  In Bioshock Infinite the main character you are controlling, named Booker, is sent up to a huge city in the sky.  This city seems quite idyllic, a wonderful early 20th century festival of carnivals and cotton candy.  Families are clearly having a great time and getting prepared for a big raffle, held by the government of the city.  Booker enjoys a few carnival games and generally enjoys the light atmosphere.

The raffle is held in front of a stage where Booker is presented with a baseball which has his raffle number on it.  The host on stage calls out the number and sure enough it matches the Booker’s raffle number, and everyone around is excited that this newcomer to their city gets to throw the first pitch.

This is when one of the most memorable moments in my looong computer game history occurs.  It’s something I didn’t want to mention in my previous blog entry because I didn’t want to spoil it for my Princess.

As Booker is ready for the target of his baseball throw, the stage curtain parts and a pair of people are presented.  They are a married man and woman couple of different races, tied up together as targets for the baseball, begging for mercy.  The host makes an extremely offensive comment about the women’s race which I don’t remember due to my rage at the incident and Booker is expected to begin the baseball stoning to death of this couple which has violated the laws of this city in the sky due to their mixed race marriage.  The game player is given an option, to have Booker throw the ball at the couple as expected or to throw the ball at the event host.

Easy choice, right?  Throw the ball at the host.

It was not as easy for me as I would have thought.  As a computer game player I like the game to flow smoothly without upsetting the apple cart of how a game is designed.  I like to explore all areas, nooks, and crannies, but I don’t like to try to find things a game designer might not have accounted for.  That’s just a general way I play games.  In this game when this unexpected and horrific presentation was made I could feel the weight of all of the characters around Booker as well as the host in what was expected of me/Booker.  Don’t go against what everyone expects and desires.

Fortunately, it only took me about 2 seconds to come to my senses and realize what was going on, and I took great pleasure in the outcome of using one on-looker’s knife to stab in the face another onlooker who blocked my throw.  I don’t at all revel in computer game violence but this time it felt justified, knowing that it was only a computer game character.

The society pressure I felt in those 2 seconds was a tiny bit of what probably others feel in real life, going along with a dynamic they do not like in their heart of hearts.  It was a chilling 2 seconds for me.

It is only a computer game, of course, I’m not delusional even during those 2 seconds of indecision.  But what really has emotional impact is that this sort of dynamic of racial supremacy was extremely real in this very country in the not too distant past.  I had a great aunt, about 70 years older than I am, who used language which offended me even as a 5 year old; she was not a popular person in our family due to that.  I know that there are very strong remnants of that horrifying dynamic with very real consequences today, though it is not generally sponsored by the government in the United States which is what made it stand out so much in the computer game.

In this Bioshock Infinite city in the sky, racial supremacy is very much sponsored by its government and throughout the early parts of the game after the raffle incident, this dynamic becomes evident with talks of forced work, inferiority, and all of that.  It’s horrific, I guess like a terror movie, because I know that it used to be very much real in the United States.  It’s unimaginable to me, I really can’t fathom how that could have been even remotely acceptable.

Pretty heavy stuff for a computer game.  Fortunately, it handles the topic with I believe the sensitivity required and never glorifies that dynamic.  I can imagine a white supremacist playing the game thinking how terrible it is putting his views into such a poor perspective, but to him I would say f off.  Okay, I wouldn’t say it but I would think it.

Not very tolerant of me, I suppose.  But I do not tolerate views like that which I find abhorrent.  In my teens and 20s (over 25 years ago) I would on occasion encounter someone lowering their voice to say something racially offensive to a group, such as a “joke” as if that would only offend the target of the comment, but I am glad that I personally have not encountered that lately because I would almost certainly not react well at all.  I am a non-confrontational person but I believe I would easily confront that person, albeit in a relatively “polite” way.  Ok, enough of that, I need to calm down lol.

The game goes in interesting and unexpected directions later, including talk of a rise of protests and introducing a whole lot of other concepts, but my Princess has not encountered much of those directions yet so I’ll leave it at that.  My Princess had pretty much the same initial hesitation at throwing the baseball as I had, and made the same choice for the same reasons.

That brings me back to the thread on FetLife about finger lengths.  There’s nothing offensive to me about someone saying that certain finger lengths are indicative of dominance or submission but it does make me think of a dynamic in which opportunity and persecution are determined by a physical characteristic, and that is not a dynamic I am tolerant of.

I also don’t really tolerate cauliflower, but that’s just a remnant of last night’s blog entry.

Apr 19, 2013 – Bioshock Infinite

This entry, as a first for me, is not much about BDSM at all (except the last paragraph).  And I don’t go into any spoilers about the game.

I play a lot of computer games, mostly story-based “western” role-playing games such as Bioware and D&D games (I used to play tabletop D&D in the 1970s), and I also play many of the big-ticket adventure or action games such as Assassin’s Creed and the latest Tomb Raider.  Pretty much my favorite game of all time is Bioshock (the first one) from mid-2007, that was like entering a whole new and weird world with plenty of immersion into its atmosphere, and the storyline still rolls around in my head from time to time.  Bioshock 2 was okay but nothing special, because it was created by a different developer.

Bioshock Infinite received about as much hype as most any other video game evarrr, which is fine from my standpoint, since the more popular this type of unusual and fun game is the more likely that others will be made which means more future fun for me.  I was looking forward to Bioshock Infinite and once it was released a week or two ago I stayed away from spoilers and reviews.

As I began playing it, something seemed sort of off.  I wasn’t enjoying it nearly as much as I expected, and not as much as other recent games I had been playing.  The game had the main character go from one location to the next in a very linear fashion instead of allowing “open world” freedom to go wherever I wanted, and the gameplay didn’t vary throughout the game.  But wait, that’s how Bioshock 1 was, a mostly linear story-based shooter.  What’s my problem?

The problem is that since 2007, big ticket computer games have advanced in the variety of gameplay, learning from other games as they go.  In games such as Call of Duty (which I only mildly enjoy), Assassin’s Creed, and Batman Arkham Asylum and Arkham City … interrupting myself for tangent time!

The two Batman Arkham games are great.  There is plenty of torture!  Almost throughout both games there is someone or a group of people in the game being tortured and the player as Batman needs to rescue them.  But of course I take my time rescuing them!  Also, in the first of the two games there are plenty of barefoot guys beating people up (another plus in my book!).

After I play a good game my Princess plays it as I watch and provide helpful advice.  The Batman games are particularly enjoyable because of the witty banter within the game as the torturers enjoy their work (and readers of this blog probably know by now that being tortured by a sadist having fun is my biggest BDSM kink), so while my Princess plays I just sit back and enjoy the show.  Often when someone is under the not-so-tender care of one of the game’s many sadists I say to my Princess “Please do that to me!”  It’s the one time I risk “topping from the bottom” lol.  On top of the issue of torture, though, the Batman Arkham games are great games regardless of that.

Anywho, in many big ticket games nowadays there is variety of gameplay:  shooting, stealth, climbing/jumping, driving, puzzles, etc.  That didn’t used to be the standard case over, say, 5 years ago although there were still games which combined two or three genres, but nowadays it’s much more common to have a variety of gameplay types within a game.  And I’ve become accustomed to it, spoiled even.

Bioshock Infinite is pretty much solely a shooter, though, with just some bit of I guess “driving” though that’s a loose interpretation of the rail system in the game.  Just as in Bioshock 1, Infinite has a whole lot of interesting and strange storyline twists but the gameplay is rather monotonous and in a linear environment.  The storyline and atmosphere are the stars of the show in my view.

As I was playing it, though, I think I missed out on much of the ambience.  I was so busy trying to accomplish the tasks in front of me and also to pick up loose loot within the game, that I didn’t stop and smell the flowers.  It’s not that I rushed through the game, but so much is happening all at once that I think I missed a lot of it.  Once it ended and I began reading internet commentary and reviews (and there is plenty of commentary considering the very strange and complex storyline and ending), I realized that there was much more to the game than what I had experienced.  I didn’t miss any of it but I guess I didn’t really focus on what I should have focused on which is the storyline.

I read one commentary that Infinite should have an auto-loot system so that we players aren’t spending literally hours just finding loot.  Finding loot is a somewhat fun part of games but it can be monotonous and in Infinite it did get very repetitive and not all that rewarding.  Auto-loot would have been great, in my view, because then I could have spent much more of my attention on everything else going on around me instead of finding the next crate of loot.

I think that when my Princess plays Infinite I might encourage her to just skip opening many of the containers of loot, in the hopes that she can enjoy the storyline and game atmosphere more.  I know that as I watch my Princess play Infinite I will pay much more attention to the storyline and atmosphere.  Also, even had I paid more attention to the storyline it still would have confused me just as much, it is very complex, and even after watching the long non-interactive ending I had to go onto the internet to gain an understanding of what just happened so I might try to provide bits of timely storyline information to my Princess as she plays it.

In the meantime, though, my Princess is still finishing up Batman Arkham City and she has a few more victims to save from Riddler’s torture.  Woohoo!!

Okay, I can’t help but write something about BDSM (no, computer game torture is not BDSM because the victims do not consent!).  My Princess and I were recently at a family get-together where I had to sit on a stone step for a couple of group photos to be taken.  When we go out, my Princess chooses what I wear (she did that even before D/s entered our lives) and the crème-colored pants I wore were a bit dirty from my sitting on the step so she started brushing off my behind.  Well, she couldn’t help herself and the brushing very quickly became a spanking and she said that it would take her some time to get the dirt off.  One of her relatives said “You two get a room!”  My Princess spanked me in public!!  Double-woohoo!!

Sep 4, 2012 — Fantasies

As I mentioned a couple of blog posts ago, my wife is out of town.  She is finally returning this coming weekend and even though it has only been weekd it feels like it has been months.  We always were close and loving ever since we met but BDSM has clearly brought more closeness in our marriage so now without her I feel as though I am one hand clapping, so to speak.

Except that I am not allowed to use my hands there, so there is no clapping at all (okay that was not a good segue).  However, due to the long absence she has allowed me to do that for a specific amount while she is gone, but not to climax.  (How did I start talking about this?  I guess my thoughts are rambling since I am not able to relate any of my own recent BDSM experiences.)

When she returns it will have been 16 days of no orgasm for me.  That is the longest by 4 days.  I know I know, you chastity guys probably want to tell me “You crybaby, I’ve been chaste for months!” lol.  Well, if so then go ahead and cry, I certainly would be crying.

Honestly, I miss her more than I miss the orgasms but I won’t lie, I also miss the freedom of being able to bring myself to an orgasm while she is gone.  Freedom’s just another word for … oh, never mind lol.

The title of this blog post is fantasies because I have encountered two blogs which seem to fulfill many submissive guys’ fantasies.  Not all, of course, since every submissive is different, and not even a majority.  But these blogs really portray from a woman’s point of view the type of woman I think many men would fantasize about.

One of the blogs is http://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/ which is written by a woman whose husband told her that he was submissive.  I don’t know details, of course, but according to her blog she learned to enjoy tormenting him as he wanted and as the months and years went on she enjoyed it more and more.  It really brought out her sadism and she now revels in it.  She now has taken it to a level that is far beyond what her husband would want and she literally tortures and humiliates him apparently a large amount of the time, dressing him up in dolly outfits, putting him in 3 hour sensory deprivation bondage (which he hates) while also torturing him with CBT, caning him beyond what he would enjoy, blackmailing him by threating to send horribly humiliating pictures of him to his work if he ever leaves her (he doesn’t want to leave her because she is so beautiful and he is so conditioned that he would feel lost without her), making him do hours of all of the chores around the house while she does few or none, putting him in chastity and then ruining his orgasms, and even cuckolding him.  This dominant woman sells journals of her sadistic dominance over her husband.

Now I may be naive but I’m not stupid.  I have a healthy amount of skepticism about the truth of everything in the blog.  I have no idea, of course, but just what I read in the blog.  And I cast no aspersions, it is just that I am skeptical by nature.

In any case it is an amazing life being described.  I admit that the fantasy of being treated so horribly while the dominant gets a huge amount of joy from it is very appealing.  I also realize that I doubt that I could truly live like that … but maybe halfway or a third-of-the-way like that.  I don’t know.

The dominant woman of that blog warns husbands to be careful what they wish for.  In reality, I only wish for what my wife wants because if she didn’t want it then I wouldn’t want it (see my statement above about the huge amount of joy the dominant gets, I truly need dominant joy or my submission is not enjoyable to me).  It is interesting to see this dominant woman responding to comments on the blog from other submissive men who enjoy her husband, as if she has a bit of the attitude “You guys, my husband truly doesn’t enjoy this and yet you still say you want it.”  She even gives advice that wives of submissive husbands should explore this side of themselves, their husbands won’t stop them from getting everything they want, even the joys of rather severe sadism.

The other blog I have recently encountered which portrays what many men would fantasize about is http://mscassidyjames.wordpress.com/ in which a woman goes into some loving detail about how much she loves for her feet to be worshipped once she has built an emotional connection with someone.  This blog, like the other one I mentioned, is like a fantasy in my view because it is music to the eyes of men with a foot fetish, and in case you didn’t know, there are bazillions of men who have a foot fetish.  You might be surprised at how common it is (or at least an enjoyment of feet if not a fetish).

I believe that the woman who writes this blog is completely sincere.  She does not write it from the standpoint of a male fantasy.  It seems to be from the heart.  The other blog I mentioned above also seemed to be from the heart but it seemed too good to be true, or at least too extreme to be 100% true.  Maybe I’m wrong, of course.

I can speak from my own experience before I met my wife and also what I read now on FetLife that many men with a foot fetish feel as though they will never find a woman who will tolerate having their feet worshipped, let alone finding a woman who would enjoy it.  They may even be statistically correct.  That is one reason why in my view to see a blog like this woman’s blog would be music to those guys’ eyes.

Here is a true story (everything on my blog is the truth but I figured I would add that in there):  during the months of my wife and my long distance relationship together over the phone and via chat (before there were webcams) and before we met in person we were up front about telling ourselves about each other.  Baring our souls so to speak.  I think that the very first time we met online I told her that I liked women’s feet (I don’t think I used the word fetish) and once I received a positive reaction I became very open about it.

When we met in person for the first time I asked if I could kiss her feet and she said yes.  I was nervous because it was a rather forward thing to ask but we had already known each other for months and I did not feel that it was out of line.  I only hoped that she wouldn’t give me a disapproving look.

To my delight when I looked up at her after kissing her foot, my wife had the most beautiful look in her eyes.  It wasn’t just accepting of me, it was that her fantasy had come true.  It turns out that she has always enjoyed attention to her feet and while she had not thought to desire a foot fetishist, it was a perfect fit.  She had been telling me this on the phone but seeing was believing and the look in her eyes made me a believer.

To this day 15 years ago she still looks at me that way when I am kneeling at her feet.

So I’ve accomplished making myself miss my wife some more, ergo I will stop writing.  Thank you again for reading my blog!

Aug 28, 2012 – Introverted and shy, my first munch!

Ok, I need to try to process what happened.  Oh, stop over-thinking.  The easy truth is that I enjoyed myself and met some very nice and interesting people.  I had indicated a couple of days ago on the thread within FetLife for this specific munch that I would be there in my glasses and powder blue shirt and when I showed up I was greeted by someone very nice (thank you to you), which was a big help in getting over whatever nerves I had about meeting people I had never met.

Then a few others sat near us and conversation was easy and natural.  The munch Master had everyone introduce themselves individually and while I was a bit nervous (being introverted and shy and all of that), it was fun and I said what I wanted to say.  I turned in the other direction to join in on the discussion in that direction and that was almost all about BDSM which was right up my alley.

The end.

(Names withheld because it isn’t cool to mention names without consent.)

Yeah right, “the end” my rear-end.  That’s not how this blog works!

Ok, I need to try to process what happened.  Didn’t I already say that?  I need to provide some background on why things are not as simple as the above.

10,000 years ago before the elder races – oops, wrong opening, that is from the Babylon 5 TV show.

Back when I was born – no that’s too far.

I have always been introverted and shy (another repeated message in this blog).  When I get in groups of more than 3 people I often become uninterested and do not join in on the conversation.  Most of the conversations people have are not that interesting to me (sorry if that seems snobbish but my enjoyment span for conversation topics is not all that large when I am just listening, I start looking around for a PC game to play or something) and I often have a difficult time interjecting a word in edgewise.  After 10-15 minutes of listening to something uninteresting, I become bored, and longer than that it can become a real chore.  Family get-togethers, meetings at work (unless the work topic was something I could talk about), etc. are really very tough for me, I can’t even describe how tough.  Maybe some of you other introverts know exactly what I am talking about?

So why go to a munch when it is groups of more than 3 people talking?  Because BDSM is a topic about which I can chat or talk for hours (oh, you haven’t noticed that? lol).  If there is some other talk interspersed, that is okay too.  I was somewhat “warned” that some munches have little to no BDSM talk but I was okay with that risk, my expectations were not to chat about BDSM all of the time and if there was no BDSM talk then nothing ventured nothing gained.

But that brings up why go to a munch at all?  I am not looking for any play partners, lovers, or anything else like that because I am monogamously married to literally the best woman in the world for me.  I don’t know the answer to the question really.  I have been enjoying meeting people through FetLife or e-mail from those who read my web page writings.  I have been going into the “Submissive men and women who love them” group chatroom from time to time and greatly enjoy meeting people there.  I am not shy or introverted in online chatrooms (quite the opposite most of the time) back from before I met my wife or even now.  I am energized chatting and messaging with people (about BDSM), which is basically the definition of being an extrovert.  I don’t remember whether my wife or I transferred this to the idea of going to a munch but maybe I would be energized there?

Or maybe I would just sit like a lump on a log and not talk to anyone as I would in most other groups of people.

My wife was not interested in going to a munch, probably due to the experience we had which I blogged about a few months ago, the experience my wife and I had going to a coffee shop BDSM discussion group (not to mention that my wife is out of town now anyway).  At that coffee shop gathering my wife felt out of place and uncomfortable and while I enjoyed it somewhat, there wasn’t any time to talk or meet people (because we left before there was time for meeting people) and it was so-so for me, although I did enjoy being around people who were giving discussion presentations about BDSM.  So fast-forward to now, and I wasn’t sure about this munch.  My wife has repeatedly been encouraging me to go, though, so since a slave does what he is told, I went.  Okay, I went of my own volition but I would not have gone if my wife didn’t want me to go.

I walked into the private room within the restaurant and even though I was only a few minutes early there were only 3 people in the room.  I almost walked out to come back 10 minutes later but I decided to just walk in now anyway.  Someone recognizing my shirt greeted me by name and even complimented me on my FetLife posts.  I can’t speak for any other introverts, but buttering up is a good tactic lol.  The welcome made me feel at ease and she and I talked for a minute or two before someone else sat near us and we had a 5-person discussion going to my right.  We talked about mostly non-BDSM topics although I asked the man who was across from me about what being a switch meant to him.  In chatrooms I tend to bring up BDSM topics and I was glad that I felt comfortable doing that here.

Then after each of the 30-40 of us in the room introduced ourselves briefly – wait, tangent here:

Did I mention that one of those who introduced himself was <name removed, see comments>?  Yes, that <name removed>!  Isn’t that like being at a discussion group for computers and Bill Gates introduces himself?  Yes, I think it is.  If I had actually read any of his books (I have not gotten around to it yet, I write a whole lot more than I read) then I would have tried to go over and introduce myself (yes, even introverted and shy me).

Anyway, after introductions I turned to the left and there were 3 others talking about BDSM topics so I joined in.  Nothing unusual there, right?  Wrong.  I joined in.  Not to make a big deal out of it (because it isn’t actually a big deal, even for me) but I don’t just join in on conversations face-to-face with a group of people I have never met.  I typically listen for a while and then maybe try to join in somewhat (or I try to walk away in most cases) but in this case I jumped in with both feet in and it was very natural.  This whole issue probably seems silly to many people, so what you talked to people.

The attractive woman to my left mentioned to me that she only recently joined FetLife and wondered where are the submissive men?  What on earth?!  Submissive men are all over the place, you almost trip over them!  Okay, that’s not my own observation, that’s just a stereotype that I read.  I have never paid attention to whether or not there are submissive men but I know that there are FetLife groups for us and I see many guys post.  She also mentioned that in the past she has met submissive men who say that they are submissive but are really only interested in a very small number of activities or fetishes and not particularly interested in pleasing their Domme.  Where have I heard that before?  Oh yeah, from plenty of other dominant women on FetLife!!  I was so moved by this effect months ago that I wrote a fictional story about it on my web page, “DoMeSub” in which a Domme takes on the task of teaching a so-called “Do Me Sub” and making him into someone who actually submits to pleasing a Domme – not very realistic but like most of my other fictional stories it is a fantasy.

So sub guys, where you at?!!  I mean sub guys who are actually interested in pleasing their Domme, not just to satisfy their own fetishes.  There’s nothing wrong with satisfying your own fetishes, that’s not what I am saying at all, I am just saying that if you are actually interested in pleasing your Domme then there are good matches for you on FetLife, despite you possibly thinking otherwise.  By “pleasing your Domme” I mean in the way she wants to be pleased, the way that she tells you that she wants to be pleased which could be just about anything (but not past your hard limits).  If you are telling your Domme how she wants to be pleased, well, that form of submission is not something I understand much about.

Anyway, the discussion about BDSM was a lot of fun and, just like in a chatroom, I had plenty to add to the conversation and enjoyed everything the others said.  There was no kinky talk, it was just talk about being new to BDSM, learning about yourself and others, navigating FetLife, how we coped before there was the internet, and that sort of thing.  Plus I was able to talk about my wife several times which I always like doing ad infinitum (if allowed).

I don’t think that this blog post will be helpful to anyone who is nervous about going and wondering how it would be for them.  Most people who go alone to a munch are, I think, in a situation in which they are available to meet new BDSM relationship partners so my whole reason for going was I think different from the norm.  I will say, though, that just from observation it appeared that about half of the group was available and maybe a bit over half were women while a bit under half were men, some dominant, some submissive, and some switch of both genders.  It was a good mix of people.

I am certain that I will go to that munch next month and have already made a few friends from those I talked with.  Woohoo!

So am I still “introverted and shy”?  Well, I don’t have an answer for that and being introverted is not something which needs to be “cured” in any case.  I won’t change how I identify myself with this but at least I feel better about being able to interject myself into interesting discussions, which in itself is a good thing.

Aug 26, 2012 — Missing her

Life has thrown a wrench and my wife is in another state for a few weeks taking care of some family issues.  I miss her greatly and talking on the phone every night is almost no consolation.

On top of that, our D/s dynamics are temporarily gone and while I suppose we could do some long-distance or task-related D/s, I just wouldn’t feel it and it would not be a positive for either of us.  I am not submissive because I like rules or to do things I wouldn’t otherwise want to do.  I am submissive because I enjoy the feelings of dominance and pleasure at my submission which I receive from my wife.  Without that pleasure from my dominant, my submission isn’t fulfilling or enjoyable.

I believe that this is consistent with everything I have posted before.  For example, there are many BDSM activities which seem very exciting to me but if my wife wasn’t particularly interested then it wouldn’t be fun to me.  Even if my wife indulged me with a particular activity, I would not enjoy it if I sensed that.  Without the pleasure of the dominant, there is little or no pleasure for me.

Incidentally, that is why before I met my wife that I never went to a Pro Domme (well, that and the cost!).  From what I read I believe that most Pro Dommes enjoy what they do but had I visited one I would probably never know because of the money.  Certainly, someone can greatly enjoy something they get paid for but there’s just no way to determine that.  So for me, going to a Pro Domme would be role-playing and that’s just not my thing.

I have read from a few other submissives that during difficult times they just go ahead and submit anyway because that’s who they are.  I would, too, if my wife wanted it of me, or if it made her life easier or better (even if pleasure weren’t involved) then I would be glad to.  But with her in another state entirely, I am powerless to help her other than to talk on the phone with her every night (which is what I want anyway).

Power is an interesting word here.  D/s is often called “power exchange” but as a submissive or slave I feel that I have power to make my Princess happy.  Even if I have almost no power and am being directed around like a puppet, my existence (and willingness to continue submitting) can give her happiness and that is to me the best “power” in the world.

I recently read “At Her Feet” which is a non-fiction book about living in a 24/7 Mistress/slave relationship, it makes this statement about both M and s having power in the relationship.  It had some interesting sections and some sections which would not apply to my wife and me.  I don’t know that I learned anything which I hadn’t seen posted by many others on FetLife and I am not sure how useful it would be for my wife to read.

I also read “The Mistress Manual” and “Screw The Roses Send Me The Thorns” which are both mostly about BDSM play.  These were good reads and The Mistress Manual was quite informative for setting up different role-playing scenarios but my wife and I don’t role-play much and I would prefer something which is “real” rather than pretending to be someone else.  Still, even without the role-playing element, The Mistress Manual did help me understand several of the mindset archetypes.

Living M/s, the New Topping Book, and Uniquely Rika are books which are highly recommended but while reading may be somewhat interesting, it really is not up to me to shape our relationship with this advice.  If I did try to shape how things went, then a) that would be leading from the sub and would defeat any feelings of submission I would have and b) that would be pressuring my wife into something she may not want.  And even if it was something she wanted, how would I ever know?

On a separate note, my wife has told me that she wants me to find a thuddy flogger.  This is great because I think that would be a good toy for us.  However, unlike most other toys such as electrical, paddle, crop, butt plugs, etc., a flogger is something which the top really needs to feel to see if it would work well for her.  There are many different types of floggers — weight, length, material, etc. — and for me to just pick one and hand it to her would probably not be productive because if it didn’t feel right then she would probably not use it.  If that occurred with a crop then that would be fine because we would be out $10 but floggers are quite expensive and I don’t want to pay $100-$200 for something which rarely gets used.

So I am going to “disobey her command” (or really I will just offer an alternative and then obey) and instead recommend that we go to a store together as here in the Bay Area of California there are plenty of good kink stores.  I am sure she will enjoy that because she enjoys shopping and just generally going places with me.  The tricky part is that we have Amazon.com gift certificates to use so I am not sure if we will end up purchasing from one of the stores or maybe just trying to find a good weight/length/material combination and then buying it online.

I am probably going to my first munch in a few days.  Several months ago my wife and I went to a BDSM discussion group at a coffee shop, but to say that my wife didn’t enjoy it was an understatement.  Seeing how energized I get discussing BDSM with others online, though, she suggested that I go to a munch without her.  I’m torn because while I enjoy discussing BDSM, I am not looking for a play partner at all and also when not online I am shy and introverted so I fear that I might just sit like a lump on a log but maybe not.  Normally, my wife’s extroverted presence balances my tendency to clam up so it will be very strange to go anywhere without her, let alone a group of people.

Anyway, this is a different blog post from my usual tales of play or dominance.  I wish I had more fun stuff to post but it’s all on a holding pattern until I think and hope near the middle of the first week of September.

Mar 25, 2012 — Submissive Guide blog challenge #6

www.submissiveguide.com is a great site with a lot of helpful and interesting information, updated frequently.  This post is a participation in a monthly blog hop challenge.  This month the topic is:

Submissives You Look Up To

We all have people in our lives that we admire, emulate or respect. Tell us about a couple submissives that you currently look up to and why.

This is tricky for me.  I have not been in the BDSM community for long, just for the past 4-5 months (not including over 20 years ago before the internet), so I do not have knowledge of specific submissives for longer than that.

Still, there are a couple of submissives who have been a help along my journey into understanding myself and BDSM as a whole.

1) lunaKM — creator of the Submissive Guide.  For someone new to the lifestyle such as myself, it is difficult to understand how to get past the difficulties we submissives encounter on almost a daily basis, with mindsets, tasks, communication, or even just feeling good about ourselves.  It has been helpful to me to see lunaKM with such a good outlook on these things.

2) the host of the Masocast at www.masocast.com — I don’t know his name but his podcasts are not only very informative but also quite entertaining.  The way he approaches questions of his guests is exactly the approach I would want to take (if I ever were to become an interviewer), polite and deferential but not skipping tough questions.  For example, when he had a guest who was recounting his experiences with a ProDomme the Masocast went ahead and asked how the guest’s wife felt and when the guest said that he had not told his wife the Masocast delved further into that, without being confrontational or accusatory.  Also, the female dominants they have had on the Masocast have been very interesting.  To me it is helpful and interesting to hear the male submissive and female dominant perspective, which is different from most of the other podcasts I have heard.