My Princess and I are very warm towards each other.  But that’s not what this blog entry is about.  There are references to other types of warmth below.

She was rather fiery yesterday when she indicated to me after I got home from work (and after she made me get on my belly to kiss her toes, which happens frequently) that she had something to tell me.  I was a bit worried about maybe bad news or it could be anything.  As we walked into our bedroom for me to get out of my work clothes my Princess told me to give her my belt.  I knew that the “news” would be bad indeed, or at least for me!

Several nights earlier just as I was almost out of my work clothes my Princess went behind a door to retrieve my belt which I had just hung up.  She turned her back to me so I quietly bolted out of the bedroom.  I can imagine the look on her face as with belt in hand she turned to see me gone.  Lol!  She was surprised and bellowed “Get back here!”

I’m not a bratty type at all but that was fun.  That belt hurts, though.  If anyone is thinking of starting out S&M with a belt, take it easy with that thing.  Damn but it feels good, though.  Oops, I digress.

So when last night my Princess said that she had something to tell me, it was her way of transitioning into a session of pain without giving me the opportunity to bolt.

The great philosopher and TV character from Babylon 5 J’Kar stated something like (from my memory) “The universe is comprised of moments of peace, moments of action, and moments of transition.”  I wonder how others transition into a BDSM session?  Is it something like this?  “Honey, do you feel like whipping me now or maybe later?” “Okay, yes that would be grand.”  Or maybe “Are you feeling up to taking a whipping now?” “Oh yes that’d be peachy!”  Well, those transitions wouldn’t work for me.  For me BDSM is as much about consensual non-consent as reasonably possible, and to treat it like most any other activity isn’t my type of dynamic.  That said, I certainly understand the necessity to negotiate a scene, being clear about limits and generally talking about the mindset, etc.  My Princess and I have had those discussions many times (plus she reads my blog!) and she knows that she has my consent anytime we are home, so the dynamic is all non-consent which is great because then I can run away, beg, and complain all I want without her thinking that there is any need or desire to actually stop.

Our moments of transition are that she either tells me to assume the position (whatever position she wants me in) or she just grabs me by the you-know-what and drags me to where she wants me.  In truth, I could safe word or just indicate if something is wrong, and believe it or not there have been two or three times in the 18 months or so since BDSM has re-entered our lives when a BDSM scene would just not be enjoyable (did I really type that?  did that really occur???), but that’s rare.

Anywho, later, after dinner, I grabbed a chocolate granola bar.  I try not to eat too big of a dinner just because that’s not healthy and then I fill in the corners sometimes with a granola bar.  But after that incident I blogged about within the past few weeks in which my Princess had simply told me to put the granola bar away and have cauliflower instead, I have been more hesitant. A few nights ago I did have a granola bar, the first since that incident, and I tried to be completely casual about it but my Princess bullied me anyway.  Bullying is what it felt like, she does it because she can.  As soon as she saw the granola bar a few nights ago she smiled sadistically and I tried to not make eye contact but I was doomed anyway.  She told me to give her the granola bar and I was fine with sharing it but that’s not what she had in mind.

She took the flat part of the granola bar and rubbed it a few times against the sole of her bare foot.  I would be perfectly fine with that, having a fetish for her feet, but her feet were dirty, not horribly, but definitely dirty.  I sighed and ate the granola bar anyway.

Last night I escaped almost unscathed probably because I begged her to allow me to have the granola bar instead of just assuming I could have it.  She told me to kiss each of her toes 10 times, a total of 100 kisses, and I was glad for that.  That was a damn good granola bar last night.  (I never thought I’d be blogging about eating a granola bar but oh well.)

Later in the evening we took our first walk around the neighborhood since my last blog entry.  As my Princess lay on the bed ready for my face to cool off her warm feet right after the walk, I ran into the kitchen to retrieve an ice pack from the freezer.  I knelt down at her feet and then pressed the ice pack against one side of my entire face for several seconds.  It hurt but it wasn’t too bad.  My Princess laughed because she knew that we have been joking with each other about dipping our hands in a bucket of ice for many years, and then she giggled when I pressed my ice-cooled face to the soles of her feet.  She told me that it felt good so I did it several more times, pressing the ice pack to my face then my face to her feet.  I also pressed the ice pack against my lips and then pressed my lips to her toes.

She enjoyed it but I think she likes even better the new somewhat standard foot service I provide which is to lick the soles of her warm feet and then blow on them to cool them off.  My Princess seems to like that a lot.  See, I am a service slave! lol

Then my Princess had me lie down on the bed as she grabbed the ice pack.  Oh sh..oot.  Damn this is going to hurt.  But she didn’t hurt me, she dabbed the ice pack on the soles of my very warm feet.  Except that it was too cold and didn’t feel all that good, it sort of hurt a bit but I loved the attention nonetheless.  The ice pack was getting a bit warmer and it was starting to feel good having her dab that against my feet but then she walked to the side of the bed and my fear level jumped.  She just couldn’t resist pressing the ice pack against the side of my body and in a few other sensitive areas.  I guess she doesn’t mind me yelling at the top of my lungs right into her face (see what my Princess has to put up with?!).

She was done and I said “Thank you, Princess” like a bullied victim afraid of more torture because that’s truly how I felt (gosh I love that feeling).  But inside I truly am thankful, even at those times when I’m yelling in pain.  Well, maybe not right at those times, but in between yelling I am thankful!

I type a lot of words to describe moments which go by quickly.  My Princess sometimes jokes with me after I have been yelling in pain “And you think you could take hours of this, ha!”  My only thoughts are to mimic Maxwell Smart who said to a torturer “I can stand the pain if you can stand the screaming.”  I always loved that line, one of my favorite evarrr.  Wait, if Max is screaming then he can’t stand the pain so his line is confusing!  Which makes it all the more fun.

I have learned that putting an ice pack against my lips and feet make my lips and feet feel very warm later once the coolness has worn off.

Later in the evening as we sat on the couch I teased her like I do sometimes by putting my very warm feet on her thigh, as if I am torturing her with a hot poker.  My Princess, not being submissive, reacts with mock anger and threats.  Except this time there were no threats, there were consequences.  She told me to stand up on the cool floor.  I thought she was joking, meaning that she didn’t want me to actually stand up to get away from what I was typing on my PC, so I didn’t stand at first.

Tangent:  is disobedience due to thinking that the command was a joke a legit excuse?  Hmmm, I guess now that I’m typing it out the answer is probably no.

She repeated her command and that was that, I stood up.  Then my warm and loving Princess very thoughtfully told me to stand barefoot over the air conditioning vent on the floor as that would cool my warm feet.  I was very thankful that she was thinking of my comfort level but I pointed out that it’s very cold and would hurt.  My Princess told me to stand over it anyway and to press my nose to the wall right next to the vent.  There was no joke in the command level of her voice.  She was going to have some more fun at my expense.

So I stood there naked and shivering in the cold from the vent and with my nose and head pressed against the wall as she watched TV and presumably cast a glance my way from time to time.  I stood like that for several minutes before being allowed to sit back down on the couch.  I kissed her feet and said “Thank you, Princess.”

A bit later as she was reaching for a pillow on the floor she bumped her hand into the thin hard stick which she has handy in the room where we spend most of our time.  I would call it a cane but it looks more like a stick.  It doesn’t hurt like hell when she whacks me with it but she usually does it rapid pace and then the pain level ramps up, or if she hits me hard enough it hurts right away.  Bumping into the stick gave her a quick idea so she picked it up and without warning started whacking my chest with it.  Whiiinnne.

Then she said the line of the night:  “You sure are whiney tonight!”

I was caught between wanting to cry and wanting to laugh.  I responded, only somewhat whiningly, “It’s because you’re being so mean to me!”

I figured I would post a controversial title for this entry.  From time to time on FetLife I see a comment that one’s submission is a gift and I sometimes see comments that one’s dominance is a gift, with plenty of responses of agreement and disagreement.  It’s a touchy topic for some people.

A google search defines gift as “A thing given willingly to someone without payment.”  By that definition, one could easily see submission or dominance as a gift.  However, the word gift implies more than just that definition in my view.  It is not just something given but something which is for the purposes of the benefit of the receiver.  For example, one wouldn’t say “I gave him the gift of a punch in the arm” … well, unless he would enjoy that sort of thing lol.

I also add more to the definition.  I guess it’s a complicated word.  A gift is something which is not for the benefit of the sender.  For example, if spouse A wants a specific computer game and purchases one for spouse B who may also want that same game, then that does not seem like a gift to me, it is just a mutually enjoyable purchase.  The item can still qualify as being a gift if person A does not enjoy the item itself but enjoys giving the gift.  Giving a gift usually involves pleasure for the sender, but the pleasure for a sender in a gift is in the giving, not in the actual use of the gift.

I admit that it is a very fine line.  If partner A gives to partner B a recliner couch as a gift and partner B being more relaxed is of benefit to partner A, then that still qualifies as a gift even though partner A receives an indirect benefit.  There really is no hard and fast rule in my view.

So by my understanding of the word gift, person A gives something to person B which person A believes that person B would like and which is not something for the direct benefit of person A.  A fruitcake might also fit that definition, regardless of whether or not person B actually enjoys the fruitcake, as long as person A doesn’t eat and enjoy the fruitcake.

So are submission and dominance a gift?  I can only speak for myself, and I certainly hope not.  Yes I give my submission to my Princess and she gives her dominance to me, and yes it is partially for the benefit of the other, but it is for our own benefit also.  I don’t submit to my Princess only because it is what she wants, it is because I also want it.  If I didn’t want to be submissive but she wanted it, and because of that I became submissive, then that would be a gift.  That doesn’t apply here, though, because we both want it.  At the same time, my Princess dominates me because she wants to and because she knows that I also want it.  In other words, it’s a fully mutual thing and not a one-sided gift given from one to the other.

Admittedly, my definition of “gift” does not match others’ definition.  It’s just that using the word gift in the context of a D/s relationship does not seem to fit at all for me.

I could certainly see where “gift” could fit into a D/s dynamic for others.  If partner A is into D/s but really doesn’t like a particular activity while partner B very much enjoys it, then partner A may provide a “gift” to partner B in participating despite not liking it much.  This is a dynamic for D/s I do not like at all personally, but to each their own.  The reason that I do not like that dynamic for D/s personally is that I like most everything BDSM-related which my Princess does to me or has me do, except for limits.  So if she wants to do an activity then go for it, as long as it isn’t past one of the limits we agree on.  The only things I could gift to her as a submissive – the only things I would not enjoy myself – are past our limits, which may change over time but they aren’t things which either of us want.

Going in the other direction, I am more into BDSM than my Princess is (fantasizing about it for dozens of years as I have will have that effect!) and there are BDSM-related activities she would not enjoy.  She could “gift” me her participation in a BDSM-related activity but I would very much not want that because I would not enjoy any BDSM-related activity which would not come from her own enjoyment.  That has always been part of my particular BDSM kink and fantasies, the sadistic dominant must enjoy it or else I wouldn’t enjoy it.

That is why I say that I do not want gifts to be part of our D/s dynamic.

Ok, you may have noticed that I have put in some extra qualifiers in what I have commented on above for my own situation. There are plenty of activities which are not D/s related which I would not enjoy, and I could gift any of those to her, and I do sometimes.  Yes sometimes.  I know that as a “perfect” 24/7 submissive I could gift her everything which I dislike, but I’m certainly not that type of submissive.  I know that some subs only desire is to please their dominant but I’m not that type of sub, either.  As a loving husband I enjoy pleasing my Princess but as with most any loving husband there are limits to what I do.

Going in the other direction, there are plenty of things which my Princess could and does gift to me, and I do enjoy all of those.  It is just that none of them are BDSM-related because I would not enjoy a BDSM-related gift at all, as I mentioned.

There is a very famous D/s F/m author who frequently posts on FetLife.  I very much enjoy her posts except when she promotes her idea of giving her sub gifts of dominance or fetish fulfillment.  I believe that she posts that she gifts to her sub/husband whippings because he enjoys that.  That dynamic of giving gifts of dominance is great for those who want that, but it very much goes against my grain because I want mutually fulfilling BDSM and D/s, and the word “gift” goes against my view of mutually fulfilling … with the understanding that I have a somewhat unusual definition of the word gift.

Summary with my somewhat complicated definition of gift:  I enjoy giving gifts to and receiving gifts from my Princess, except for BDSM-related gifts because those are all mutually fulfilling so the word gift does not apply.

“My submission to you is a gift” is to me the same as saying “I don’t really want to submit to you in particular but I submit to you as a gift.”  Blecch.

Ok, enough of that theory/opinion-talk.

Last night my Princess and I watched a great old Twilight Zone (Rod Serling early 1960s) episode “The Chaser” in which a hopelessly-in-love man gives to the female object of his love a slip-into-her-champagne potion which makes her fall madly in love with him.  The woman goes way overboard in giving the guy love and affection, and since the writer Rod Serling was apparently an anti-romantic, it turns into a horror story in which the man abhors all of the sickly-sweet too-much affection he receives from her.  After days of this too-much-love the last line is when she is kissing him on the cheek as she embraces him and says “And we will be together like this for the rest of our lives.”  That line in that situation could be a good romantic ending but instead it is meant as a horror story as the guy’s face contorts in emotional agony that his life is ruined.  Classic!

Watching this episode in my teens and 20s, even though the focus of the show is more about her overboard love than about her submission, I would focus on how submissive she was in offering to do anything he wanted.  She said things like “Would you like another back rub?” and “My happiness is from your happiness.”  Wow, who wouldn’t want a spouse like that?  I mean really.  Just ask a vanilla unattached guy on the street if he wants a woman whose happiness is truly received from his happiness.  Go on, I will wait here while you go to the street to ask!  I bet some of those who worked on that TV episode would ask themselves “And that’s supposed to be a nightmare????”

My thoughts in my 20s and watching it now are that the guy was horrible in either not taking control of his slave … I mean of the situation … and letting her know how she could make him happy.  Is she bothering you kissing your cheek while you are reading?  Then ask her to do something else.  Or if this is a consensual D/s situation then tell her to (fill in the blank here with whatever you want)!  I certainly would have been telling her things to do (details intentionally missing!), once she convinced me over and over that she wanted me to let her know.  Oops, I’m a sub, that sort of talk doesn’t fit this blog lol.  Anywho, he was a terrible “Master” and Rod Serling completely failed to convince me that this general situation would be a nightmare.  Maybe that was Rod’s ploy, as a double-reverse swerve, but I doubt it.  Either way, it’s a very enjoyable episode.

Clarification:  the woman in the episode was seemingly vacuous and over-the-top annoying with her “affection.”  For example, she did not ask about the book he was reading, she didn’t seem to care.  I do not believe that her happiness was only in providing him happiness, I believe that she was extremely needy beyond that in needing to be present and providing direct immediate attention of her choosing to him.  There is nothing wrong with that but that is very different from ““My happiness is only from your happiness.”  And certainly many guys would not want to have a woman like the one in the episode.  The actress played the part well.

The episode has 3 foot references which I like, too.  The professor who sells the man the potion says, among other things, “She will fall at your feet.”  Okay, that’s not much of a foot reference.  Also, at one point the woman is playfully tickling her man’s nose for several seconds with a powder-puff-type thing on her shoe, so that presumably he is smelling her shoe.  Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch but it seems unusual to me.  The best by far, though, is when the man arrives home from work and she has him sit down while she kneels at his feet and says something like “Darling, let me remove your shoes and rub your feet.  How about if I dip my hands in a bucket of ice?  I know that your feet get so hot at work.”  Woohoo!!!!!!!!

All through my late teens and 20s I dreamed, fantasized, about having a woman fall for me like that, and to worship my feet.  Even though I mostly fantasized about suffering 24/7 torture and agony, what I desired more than fantasized back in my 20s was to be adored like that, although I knew that both types of fantasizing (extreme suffering and extreme adoration) were very unrealistic to that degree, and would actually be terrible if pushed to that degree (or at least the suffering would be lol).  And now that I know what actual romantic love is, rather than just fantasizing, I far prefer my real Princess with whom I share deep love and affection, not that silly over-the-top stuff in the episode.  Through our entire marriage my Princess and I have joked about this episode with each other as one or the other of us would jokingly ask as a sign of submission if we should dip our hands in a bucket of ice.  And lately after a walk around the neighborhood when afterwards she presses her hot bare soles against my face which is cool from the outside night air, sometimes I ask “Would you like me to dip my face in a bucket of ice?”

Last night right after dinner as my Princess was just about to begin another session of the computer game she is playing while I watch, Bioshock Infinite, I went into the kitchen to quickly grab a chocolate covered granola bar for dessert but as I ran back into the computer room my Princess asked accusingly “What is that?”  I am usually not questioned anywhere in such an aggressive manner, it was surprising to me.  I asked “Whaaa?” as I showed her the unopened bar.  She said “Put it away.”

She had to be kidding, or maybe I was just confused, so I said “What do you mean?”  She pointed outside of the room and repeated “Put it away now.”  She didn’t raise her voice but I could clearly sense the command in her manner not to mention the very clear instruction.  I obeyed, of course, and when I returned to the room empty-handed I sat down and could just feel the unspoken pleasure in my Princess’ manner as she began playing the computer game.

I felt figuratively stepped on.  And hours later when she verbally gloated over me from that display of her authority, I felt stepped on again.  Is that fair to make me feel so under her thumb??

My Princess wields her authority over me every day, and every day I do things which I would not do if I were not her sub or slave.  But this was a very gratuitous display of her authority with no reason other than because she can.

And of course that is why I enjoyed it.  (You knew that already, though, my complaining above didn’t fool you!)

Actually, my Princess does other things just because she can but it’s usually under the seeming pretense of being convenient for her, such as sometimes not bringing her water cup with her from the other room so that I have to lower the reclining chair to get up and fetch it when she enters the room, and a bunch of other things like that.  Princess is a very apt title, and I say that with respect of course.

A half hour later as my Princess was still playing the computer game I asked if I could at least eat some grapes but she said no.  As an olive branch, she told me to go get three pieces of raw cauliflower but yeccch I would rather have not had anything.  I knew that she enjoyed the sour look on my face as I chewed and swallowed the cauliflower so I didn’t try to hide it.  She cooed “Doesn’t that taste good?” but she and I both knew the answer was no.

A bit later in the evening after we had taken our neighborhood walk, as usual my face which is cool from the outside air was used to cool off the soles of her warm bare feet (where I am meant to be!).  And then once she was done using my face as a footrest she told me to lie on the bed on my back as she restrained me spread-eagled.  Then she blindfolded me.  Uh oh.

That’s about as vulnerable a feeling as a guy can get, that position practically calls attention to one part of my body.  I was tense but held back on my whimpering.  See, I was strong! lol  Until I heard my Princess plug in the electric cord, and then I begged.  As I’ve said I think many times on this blog, there is no play-acting or “stop, don’t, stop, don’t stop, don’t stop” or anything like that, it legit scares me because I know that I will not enjoy the pain.  I am aware at all times that I love it but the immediate emotion is that I do not enjoy it and I will not enjoy it as it occurs.  (That said, it bares repeating that I am aware at all times that I love love love it.)  Confused much? lol

I asked my Princess to be careful because my knees might hit her as I struggle and it was a good warning because I struggled a whole lot, trying to move my groin away from the painful zzzzzapzzzapzzzzzzap of the neon wand right in my sensitive spots.  Back and forth I was able to struggle wildly so that the individual zzzzaps were not too lengthy.

My Princess stopped after a short time and then wrapped my package a few times with a rope, in a way I could not quite determine due to my blindfold, and she also wrapped the rope individually around each my toes a couple of times, so that when I wiggled my toes it also wiggled my groin, which made her laugh so I did that several times.  However, when I heard the zzzz sound of the neon wand again I knew that my laughing would end and I figured out that the rope did not completely cover my groin as I had hoped.  The next thing I felt was a zzzap right on the end followed by a giggle, zzzzap giggle, zzzzap giggle, zzzzap giggle.  I think that a big part of her giggling are my strange-sounding reactions which are not just “ow” but range from a sharp intake of breath through my teeth, gurgling, laughing, yelling, begging, and making other unintelligible sounds.  I certainly do not plan the sounds I make and I don’t think about them until they occur.

After she had enough of this my Princess gave me calming words to let me know that it was over and I could relax, because she can tell how tense I am even when the pain stops.  She transitioned to impact using my belt on me, whipping both parts of my package lightly with just the end of the belt in addition to whacking my thighs, soles, and chest (I am pretty sure that she aims at the nipples which makes me give a louder yelp).  She even used the end of the belt to slap my face on my right cheek over and over and over.  It hurt but I knew that it was just a stinging pain and not with any force to break my jaw or anything close to that but it hurt and it felt wrong.  She was not laughing but she was making some sort of sounds of enjoyment which I can’t remember now.  I do remember thinking “This is not in the BDSM manual!  Not fair!” as I sometimes say out loud to her in joking but I didn’t dare talk or move my face with that damn belt slapping my face and I had to just take the pain and indignity.  She then whipped my left cheek over and over with the belt and it just felt so wrong that I began to cry.

Sometimes on FetLife there are threads about how to get a sub/masochist to cry and I think for me it is the combination of pain which keeps going to a point past when I feel like an abused victim along with some sort of humiliation.  My Princess could not detect my crying since I was wearing a blindfold and she stopped right when it started, but I said something like “Thank you, Princess” in gratitude for her stopping the pain and I’m sure she heard my voice crack.

Whip me, electrocute my genitals, humiliate me, but please don’t take away my cand..granola bar! waaaa.

Evening addendum:  I wrote the above during the day today.

My Princess is out to see a friend for an hour tonight and guess what food item, if any, I have in my hand right now for dessert?  She didn’t give me any instructions on that tonight.  Answer below.

While my Princess and I were preparing dinner I asked if there were any green onions but those were used in last night’s meal so she said “No but there is cauliflower.”  She had to just rub it in, didn’t she?  I almost ran crying back to my computer to blog about it, but I waited until the tears went away.  (I’m just joking about the crying part.)

I see the look on her face sometimes when she does random acts of meanness to me, wondering if she can get away with it.  Well, yeah you can!!!   The only consequences are that she might read me whining about it on here lol.

Okay so I’m a good boy and have cauliflower in my hand now, right?  Wrong!  I have a granola bar in my hand right now, so there!!

But damn I feel compelled to return it back to the shelf and get some cauliflower.  I’m only going to eat one piece, though! (wow ain’t I bratty?)

Damn that tastes awful!

The first half of this is not much about BDSM.

Yesterday I was hoping for a relaxing Sunday playing computer games.  But my Princess had other ideas.  She prohibited me from accessing my PC and instead made me sit on the couch and watch her play my computer games for much of the day.  It’s the truth.  She’s so mean!

Obviously, I’m misleading as usual.  When I’m complaining that’s when you know things are going well.

My Princess enjoys playing the better computer games after I finish them, as I watch her play and try to help when she wants advice.  Now that she has finished the 2-part Batman Arkham series (the games with tons of references to torture) she has moved on to the recent Tomb Raider game.  She usually plays for an hour or so at a time but playing as Lara Croft my Princess seems to be very much into this game, even more so than as Catwoman in the Batman games, because we played for a total of I think 4-5 hours in 2 sessions yesterday.  I like that a lot because it’s something we both enjoy together.

I know that Lara Croft has a stereotype of being eye candy for guys, but at least in the most recent Tomb Raider game her physical image is “classier,” and as a computer game character she is quite strong and kick-ass.  She is put into very difficult survival situations and finds creative ways to overcome them, with plenty of variety of gameplay, unlike the game Bioshock Infinite which I mentioned in this blog a few weeks ago.  In Tomb Raider there are areas of exploration, third-person shooting combat (at times about as much shooting as a Call of Duty game … “please take cover Princess!”), large-scale environment puzzles, fast action movie-type sequences in which you must press particular keys when prompted, very nice outdoor environments, RPG-type statistics (going up levels and choosing perks), humorous and dramatic conversations, and treasure finding.  Years ago the computer game industry shied away from having multiple play styles within a game because many people were set in their ways and not flexible in what they enjoyed, but nowadays variety like this is often a big selling point.

For example, I watched my Princess figure out a difficult environment puzzle (one which required me to cheat when I played the game a couple of months ago by looking up the solution on the internet) and she took a deep breath of satisfaction, but immediately the game put Lara into a fast and loud action sequence falling and trying to hold on for survival, only to end up in a shooting combat with a bunch of bad guys.  My Princess had to pause the game and take a bit of a break after that.  Many computer games nowadays are sometimes like amusement park rides except interactive and lasting dozens of hours, and that’s true for many different types of action-oriented games.

The Tomb Raider game actually had some mainstream controversy before it was released several months ago due to an in-game scene showing a threatened sexual assault on Lara.  At one point in a game’s cut scene Lara is backed up against a wall and a guy holding a gun caresses her shoulder, with an implication that he will be sexually assaulting her soon.  If the player presses the correct key when prompted, then Lara kicks the guy where it counts and fights and eventually is forced to kill the guy in order to survive.  This implication of sexual assault apparently offended some people but it turns out that once the game was released we all see that if the player does not press the correct key when prompted, the guy does not sexually assault her at all, he violently kills her.  Apparently, this was okay to critics.  Regardless, my Princess received good satisfaction from giving the guy what he deserved.  She only wishes that she had Catwoman’s whip to take care of him.

Speaking of which (you know that I can’t pass up a chance to talk about BDSM when someone mentions whip!), my Princess has been commenting lately that she thinks she does not hit me hard enough which is why my body shows no marks lasting more than maybe 15 minutes.  She saw a picture of a sub guy on FetLife who is not a masochist and does not enjoy pain but suffers for his female Owner, and he had marks all up and down his bare back and on his behind.  Ouch that must’ve hurt like hell.  I claim that my body, as happens with some people, just doesn’t mark much at all and my yelling in agony is not because I’m a wimp.  Well, okay I am a wimp but it hurts!

Speaking of which, I listened to a very enjoyable “Men Submit” podcast at http://www.mensubmit.com/spank-the-kinky-podcast/.  I do not listen to this podcast regularly, and they mentioned that the episode before the most recent one was about housekeeping – wow sign me up to listen to that!  Not!  No offense meant, of course, to those who enjoy housekeeping or listening to a show about housekeeping in a D/s dynamic, to each their own.

In this episode, though, they discussed the details of giving and receiving a spanking including safety, implements, psychology, etc.  The last 15 minutes of the over hour-long episode was the Domme giving her sub husband a sound spanking with various implements.  I am not much at all for watching F/m porn and this didn’t even have any video.  But it wasn’t porn at all, it was actually very informative in my view, portraying the dynamics and details of an actual spanking.  My Princess and I do not go to any BDSM events and we have no real idea how others play, which is fine because there is no right way to play of course, but it was interesting nonetheless to learn about how these two podcast hosts play.

The sub guy explained that due to technical issues the microphone made his voice sound particularly wimpy as he yelled in pain.  Those darn technical issues lol.  He explained that he, like some sub/masochist guys, does not enjoy the pain itself.  For some guys each blow is pleasure but for the sub guy host and also for myself, we don’t enjoy the pain, we enjoy the psychology and emotions caused by the pain, and in our case we both use the word humiliation to describe our emotions of being tortured by our dominant sadist.  The sub guy host sounded exactly like I would sound (except that he has an Australian accent) if I were describing the feelings, including the comments about being wimpy and being embarrassed or humiliated about the amount of yelling and begging from the pain.  He lived up to his word as during the clearly painful beating he yelled “Owww!!!” and begged plenty.  He also couldn’t help but curse on some of the louder blows.  I pretty much never curse … except when I’m being tortured by my Princess in which case sometimes I’m surprised at the words which come out of my mouth.  Early on my Princess used to gasp in surprise at my language.  And I never beg or yell! … okay that’s an outright lie to the nth degree.

And the sub guy host’s dominant wife laughed a whole lot, especially when her suffering sub was yelling and begging.  Her reactions were very close to my Princess’ reactions.  Hahaha it’s so funny to see a poor suffering slave-boy suffer hahaha, that’s my own take on the laughter.  That is mean!  My Princess was listening to the beating portion of the podcast with me and she even laughed a few times while I was cringing and feeling sympathy for the poor suffering victim.  What’s so funny? a poor guy is being tortured!!

During the beating the hosts reminded us of ourselves, so if you want to hear what my Princess and I sound like when she beats me check out the last 15 minutes of that podcast.  As always, I need to be honest, though, the sub guy on the podcast didn’t whimper and I pretty much always whimper immediately before a beating and in between blows.  It hurts!!!

In my time on FetLife and other sites I have learned that how much sexuality, if any, is involved with BDSM is very different based upon the individual.  This can lead to some confusion, or at least for me.

My kinky desires began with a foot fetish near age 9.  But wait, kinky is the wrong word because that refers to sexuality but sexuality was literally not part of my life until my 20s.  So I can just say that my unusual desires began with a foot fetish and then in my mid-late teens I became attracted to images and fantasies of sadists holding a whip.  I felt some shame associated with my desires but in my early 20s is when I finally broke free of the chains of shame and accepted myself for who I was, including a lot of non-BDSM-related differences I have (atheism is an example), and although I can’t say that I’m at 100% acceptance of who I am I can say that I feel pretty darn comfortable with my kinky desires and fantasies (well, maybe not 100% about all of them lol).

Ok, I went off track there a bit.  What I was going to say is that since sex was not part of my life until my mid-20s … oops, that’s a very unusual facet of myself which probably seems strange to some who may be reading this, so I need another tangent.

Actually, there isn’t much to say about it.  Despite my strong foot fetish and desire to be whipped etc., I was basically asexual until my mid-20s.  I was attracted to women beginning I guess near age 12 but my body provided for me no sexual response until my mid-20s, other than rare wet dreams.  I remember asking myself as a teen “I like her and her and her, but I wouldn’t know what to do with them if I had them!”  I did know, but I wasn’t feeling it.  I had a girlfriend when I was a teenager and we would kiss, but there was no sexual response for me.  I was fine with that at the time, I didn’t know what I was missing.

Ok, back on point which is that my foot fetish and desire to be consensually tortured by a sadist developed for many years before I had any sexual responses.  For example, in my early-mid 20s that dominant guy who whipped me and made me worship his bare feet (a story I relate in the About Me section of this blog) was probably surprised when he looked down at me and saw no sexual response.  I thought at the time:  Ha ha on you, no soup for you!  No, not really, because I had told him that there would be no sexual response for me so that should not have been a surprise to him and I did not want to mislead him.

Anywho, so when my Princess whips me or makes me worship her bare feet I have no sexual response, right?  Wrong!!  I don’t know why but even the thought of that turns me on, and the reality of it turns me on or at least until the pain gets more intense in which case I’m so focused on withstanding the torture that my erection fades (something which the sub/masochist guy on The Masocast also said about himself).  However, most every intimate contact, or the thought of intimate contact, with my Princess turns me on, although BDSM and foot worship more so than other intimate contact.

My Princess did not have years (decades) of fantasizing about and desiring BDSM as I had.  It does not sexually turn her on to think about BDSM, although she has fun talking about it with me.  However, due to the reactions she knows I have about it, plus her own desires, it has always turned her on for me to worship her feet.  Also, due to the same reason, I believe that it turns her on to some degree to torture me, or to humiliate or threaten me, not as a direct turn-on but as a way for us to share closeness which is a turn-on.

So is BDSM sexual for us?  Yes, but that’s because of the nature of our love and lust for each other.

That said, sexual contact is not usually part of a BDSM scene for us, although that depends upon what my Princess has in store for us.  In the past few months a beating has more often been followed up with sexual contact than previously, but I am good with both activities being separate or together, I do not have a preference (except for a preference for as much as possible).

But I’m going to go back and reword my question, is BDSM sexual for us as individuals?  The answer is it doesn’t matter, because we are always together.  So I will need to go into a very hypothetical to answer the question.

I believe that if somehow my Princess were consensually torturing someone else, the answer for her would be no.  If somehow someone other than my Princess were consensually torturing me, I believe that the answer for me would be no (unless this was with my Princess present and directing the scene).  BDSM is only tied to sexuality for me because of my Princess, and I really have no sexual desires for anyone but her (yes that’s true, I know that a whole lot of guys are attracted to other women even if they are completely faithful to their partner, but in my case I’m just not even attracted to anyone else).

Not to seem like a lawyer, but repeating the question is BDSM sexual for us as individuals?  No.

Why does this matter?  It doesn’t for us.  But from what I read on FetLife and other places there are plenty of people for whom BDSM is not sexual, and this issue could matter when trying to understand others.

BDSM is extremely sexual for many people while not particularly sexual for others, so when I see FetLife threads about such topics as casual BDSM play or BDSM play early in a relationship, the posts are quite varied and I believe that a lot of that is due to this issue of sexuality.  When asked about casual BDSM play many people respond that they do not want casual sex.  That would confuse me at first because what does that have to do with the price of tea in China (my sayings give away my age lol)?  The topic was about casual BDSM play, not about casual sex.  But for many people it’s intertwined and they don’t separate the two, so a question about casual BDSM play is a question for them about casual sex.

When I think of casual BDSM play I think about whipping, bondage, and a lot of other activities in which touching of genitals are not involved at all.  If someone has their pants on and their bare back is being consensually whipped, is that sexual??  Not to me (unless I am the one being whipped by my Princess).  Consensual whipping is a fun dynamic and I would probably enjoy watching that, whereas I would not at all enjoy watching a sexual scene (I’ve never been into watching porn).  So for casual BDSM play I say “Yeah, you two have fun!” whereas they are often thinking “Omg, I don’t want to have casual sex with this person I barely even know through FetLife!”

It’s a disconnect when this view of BDSM does not quite match.  In the F/m world I believe that there are a whole lot of sub guys who would enjoy casual BDSM play and in my naiveté I didn’t even think of this as anything related to sex, but I realize lately that it really depends upon the individual.

Another area where this issue of sexuality and BDSM can present some miscommunication is in the gender of a partner.  When I read that someone enjoys being whipped, to me that does not mean something sexual so it seems natural to me that the gender of the partner would not make any difference.  But it can make a very big difference if the participants are straight and consider whipping to be sexual.  Again, it very much depends upon the individuals.

I do not see this issue addressed in many FetLife profiles.  Most people list their sexual orientation because it is one of the basic questions on the profile page but usually in their descriptions they do not address how much sexuality is involved in their BDSM desires, unless a reader can glean that information in either reading between the lines or in the description of specific BDSM desires.  For example, “I enjoy forced orgasm” is a pretty clear indication that sexuality is involved.  So when I see a profile which lists that they enjoy whipping and I see that straight is listed for orientation, that still doesn’t really tell me whether or not they would be interested in whipping with someone of the same gender (when I’m seeing who I can fix up with each other lol).

On the other hand, I do not think it would be a problem if one partner felt that BDSM was sexual while the other did not, as long as there would be compatibility in desires and in other facets of the relationship.  I envision a female dominant whipping a male submissive, with the male enjoying the emotion and physicality of being treated to such sadistic cruelty but not to any sexual degree while the female would feel quite sexually turned on by it.  As long as he doesn’t say afterwards “Not tonight dear, I have a back ache!” then I imagine the two could still be quite compatible.

This morning, just after the alarm clock went off, my Princess returned from the bathroom in the early morning as she usually does to lie back in bed and put her bare feet in my eagerly waiting face, but instead she removed the covers and began whacking the stick/cane and then the hard paddle on my bare behind.  What?!  Oww!  That hardly seems fair or reasonable!!  She laid her body on top of my upper body so that I couldn’t move except to kick my lower legs in reaction to the blows.  She seems to enjoy seeing my lower legs kick futilely as a reaction to her beating my behind and I like that, too, as long as she doesn’t try to hit a moving target with something hard (to accidentally hit my hipbone with the hard paddle, for example).  Being able to kick my feet gives me freedom to struggle but it’s futile because I can’t get anywhere.

Ok I admit it, fully restrained or partially free, I love it all.  Damn, why do I have to be so honest?!

Fyi I have updated my About Me section linked at the top of the page with a somewhat detailed account of my first and only BDSM play session in my 20s before I met my Princess.

My Princess seems to be laughing more nowadays.  At me (to my delight).  We were in the supermarket yesterday and she told me to get on my knees in front of her.  I did a double-take because involving non-consenting others (at a supermarket!) is not cool at all but she continued by saying that I need to retrieve her coffee creamer which was on the bottom shelf and set back in the refrigerator.  As I retrieved the container, with my face necessarily very low to the ground so that I could reach far back into the refrigerator unit, I could practically hear my Princess’ kinky thoughts as she moved her open-toe shoe closer to my face.  I was tempted, but was not close to actually kissing her toes due to the non-consenting others issue (a very important issue).

It was just a few seconds of fun but as she was giggling, as though she had gotten away with some evil naughty deed, I commented “Imagine being at a BDSM party where we wouldn’t have to stop short like that!”  A few hours later, between whacks from the assorted instruments she struck me with while I was restrained spread eagled face down on the bed, she teased that she should have made me kiss her feet in front of everyone.  It isn’t easy for me to listen while trying to withstand the pain but I manage to hear most everything she says, as long as it isn’t too complex.  Maybe someday, some year, we will be able to exhibit some public displays of humiliation (pdh) at a BDSM party where others may join in with laughter at my expense.  Does wanting to make others laugh make me Henny Youngman??  (How is that for an old-time reference?)

Last night my Princess also expressed something else interesting as she was whipping my back with the belt.  I had turned my head to watch her enjoyment which is clear from the expression on her face and care she takes in strapping most every place on my body.  Damn that stings.  As she kept whipping me she said with a tone of wonder “I don’t know how you could enjoy being beaten like this.”  I replied with vehemence, trying to twist my body to emphasize my words, “I do not enjoy being beaten!  I just want to serve you, Princess, and I just want to be caressed like I’m a slave pet.”  As the blows continued, in pain I cried out in futility “I want a sensual Domme!!!”

All of what I said was bunk, of course.  Or actually at the moment it was true, the paradox of not wanting to be tortured but loving when my Princess tortures me, but even I had trouble keeping a straight face this time.  My Princess had been out of town for a week and even the poor victimized pet inside of me experienced unconfused enjoyment being with my Princess.  A bit later she snuggled against my body as I was restrained face up spread eagled, and before I managed to cop a free feel of her behind (due to the angle she was lying next to me) she was giggling.  I was in pain and whined “What is so funny?  I am in pain!” but that just made her laugh even more.  I say to her pretty much the reverse of what she says to me, I say “I don’t know how you can enjoy the pain of your loving husband!”

A couple of nights ago I was brushing my teeth getting ready for bed when my Princess appeared unexpectedly right outside of the open door.  Like one of those horror movies I jumped a bit and I could tell that something evil was going to happen.  I gave a very half-hearted and insincere effort to close the door but it was too late.  She looked next to the sink and found small pointy scissors, and I knew that my goose was cooked.  However, there isn’t much she can do with scissors except threaten, since blood play is beyond our limits (soft limits, I think), so I just stood there to take my medicine.  She pushed her arm against my back so I was pressed against the sink counter area and couldn’t move much as she carved her name into my back.  Owww, but I thought we don’t want blood!  I didn’t say that out loud, though.  In truth, I would be okay with going past that limit but only with something sterilized, just picking up something sharp and poking me with it would not be safe, I think!  When she was done with her carving and my groaning she lifted her knee and pushed me over her knee and the sink as she gave me a brief OTK spanking.  Not to tempt fate or anything but I think that my behind can take more than her bare hand can give, the laws of physics dictate equal force and all of that, and I imagine that giving a hand spanking hurts both participants (?).  Once an implement gets added to the mix, though, I’m toast.

Anywho, the next day when I showered I could still feel the scratches.  And last night before my Princess started using the impact implements on me, she enjoyed seeing the scratches on my back, fingering them and sort of cooing over her handiwork.  I felt like an object, my body a canvas for her sadistic enjoyment.  When I gave one of my “poor me” style whines she asked me if seeing the scratches in the mirror freaked me out, although there was no blood at all, and I responded that I hadn’t looked.  The situation reminded me of how a very experienced sadist who might enjoy leaving all sorts of marks talks with an inexperienced sub to coax him through a painful experience, or how a torturer makes it clear that enjoyment will occur regardless of a victim’s considerations.  I loved that dynamic because I want my Princess to have maximum sadistic enjoyment at my expense.  To me the psychology of BDSM is more important than the physical aspects, though the physical certainly adds to and is pretty much necessary for the psychology (for me).

On a different topic altogether, I also want to make a comment about now finally there is an openly gay player on a US major professional team sport.  I am not LGBT but I have hidden my BDSM-ness and other aspects about myself (including my atheism) because of the intolerance of others.  I have almost no respect for those who discriminate against others.  I am very intolerant of intolerance.  I have sat with strangers who looked around to see if a minority was close and then someone in the group would whisper an awful “joke” about a minority.  I have heard many anti-gay and anti-trans “jokes”.  I even hear anti-atheist remarks strongly implying that without a belief in a god a person must not have any personal morals.  These sorts of comments have always turned my stomach, even when I was around 6 years old.  Fortunately, I would only hear these insulting remarks in groups of people I don’t know (and why they think it’s okay to talk smack about people around me is beyond my comprehension), I can’t really say what I’d do if someone I knew made an offensive remark like that.  I believe that I would stand up and tell them what I feel, that their insulting remarks suck.  I read today that the legendary “old school” football coach Vince Lombardi knew of gay players (plural) on his 1968 team and even commented to the coaches on his team that “And if I hear one of you people make reference to his manhood, you’ll be out of here before your ass hits the ground.”

I’m not sure what got into my Princess this past Saturday.  I was playing an online game which I had scheduled with a friend until noon while for most of that time she was outside doing whatever gardening she does in our back yard, and once I was done with the game I went into the kitchen to think about what I wanted for lunch.  I filled my Princess’ water cup and brought in back into the room with her computer and asked if she would like anything else, when she stood up and grabbed me.

My Princess doesn’t usually physically grab me, and when she does it is almost always for some sort of torture and almost always she grabs me by my you-know-what and pulls me along (resistance is futile!).  But it was lunch time and she knows how I get when I’m hungry so I figured that it wouldn’t be for torture.

I was wrong.  To my surprise she aggressivly put the hood on my head and had me lie face down on the bed to be restrained spread eagled.  Of course I would rather go through this than go through anything, even eating food, so I wasn’t complaining but she commented that a bit of food deprivation would be on the menu today just because she knows me so well that food would be on my mind.  Fortunately, even though she was more hungry with sadism than usual, she did not overly ramp up the force behind the blows, although she did quickly vary the implements she used on me.

The first thing I felt was that damn hard wooden paddle, but she warmed me up with quick and light taps which were only slightly painful at first.  She went into our bedroom closet to retrieve more toys and I felt I think the crop and a thick wooden gardening stick which she no longer uses outside, with all 3 toys whacked against my behind; my upper back (crop and stick only), upper arms (crop and stick), thighs, calves, and soles of my feet (crop and stick).  Question:  do others who submit to sadists have to suffer being hit in all sorts of places?  Unfair!  waaaa  With the hood on I didn’t know where the next blow would fall or with what implement.  I then heard her retrieve the belt so I knew I was in for a painful stinging lashing, but she mixed it in with the other implements rather than spending time focusing on the belt as she sometimes does.

At one point I received a break from the impact as I heard her power on the neon wand.  I took some breaths (I have been practicing breathing deeply and regularly during torture and it helps me withstand the pain, since I almost never get any rush of endorphins) in relief that the type of pain would be changing, but the first zap I felt was painful on my sensitive inner thigh and then she zapped my balls which were not tucked too far under me for her to reach.  Damn that hurts!!  It was not super-tight bondage and I think I kicked her slightly in reaction, so she sat up on the bed and held my legs down with her legs as she continued her evil ways.  This is where I started begging for mercy.

It wasn’t a super long session because my Princess had more plans which involved sexual service.

Anywho, that morning I think that she had wanted to play as Catwoman in the Batman computer game we have been playing lately, but forgot that I was meeting someone for an online game that morning already.  So once I was done with my game she pounced!  As they say in the computer game, “Look out, it’s the cat!”

Last night she did something for the first time.  She guided me to stand next to her and she put her foot up on a chair in front of her.  My thoughts raced towards an over-the-knee spanking but that’s because my thoughts race towards BDSM a lot.  I had justification, though, because she seemed to be in her aggressive state (which I love the best out of her states!), and sure enough she grabbed the hair on the top of my head and bent me over her knee.  We had never been in that position before with her holding me over her knee while we were standing.  Is it any surprise to read that I enjoyed it a whole lot?

She spanked my behind with her hand somewhat hard, over and over and over and over.  I don’t know how it is for others but when I’m bent over I have a somewhat bony behind and I feared more for my Princess’ pain than my own.  The slaps were very loud but the pain was moderate at most.  On the other hand, if my Princess uses a hard paddle on my bent over behind I worry about the skin being so close to the bone that it might not be all that safe.

Yesterday my Princess was sewing something and as I passed by I noticed the she had removed the shoe from her foot which was pumping on the pedal.  I recently wrote an article of male submission about foot fetish which will be posted on The Submissive Guide in a few days, and while I listed a bunch of different activities and fetishes-within-the-fetish such as trampling, forced foot worship, and other activities, I forgot to mention about those who really enjoy seeing a foot on a car’s accelerator or brake pedal.  That’s not really my thing because if a foot is on a car’s pedal then it is far away from my face but I have seen a good number of pictures from those who enjoy the dynamic of a foot pumping on a pedal (on a car’s dashboard or dangling out of a car window are also popular themes).  As I passed by my Princess I got down on the floor and asked her to keep pumping, then I kissed her bare foot, letting her know about the pumping pedal foot fetish as I said “Woohoo!”

I am going to miss us playing that Batman game when we are done, which will be very soon since we are running out of torture victims to rescue (or to listen to for a minute before rescuing, I just love how the bad guys taunt the male victims “Oh are you going to cry like a baby?” and then how wimpy the victims sound when they do cry and yell; they sound like me!).  Our next game will be Tomb Raider with Lara Croft but this one has Lara as more of a victim trying to escape a lot of tough situations, rather than being in control as Batman and Catwoman are.  Hmmmm, maybe the Tomb Raider game will influence my Princess and soon she will let me be the Master??  Ha!!

Ha!!!!!!!

Compliments are an interesting subject to me.  I am all for them, of course, and enjoy giving more than receiving because I enjoy making nice people feel good.  That is especially true of my Princess, and we both compliment and thank each other frequently.

Receiving a compliment is not always easy, though, and I think that can be particularly true for some subs.  It greatly depends upon the individual (as with everything!) but I get the impression that some subs are embarrassed at receiving a compliment when they are doing what they feel they should be doing.

In my career I learned in my 20s how to receive a compliment, which is to accept it in the spirit it was intended.  Unless it’s a backhanded or sarcastic compliment (I am lucky not to be around people like that, unless it’s just joking), compliments are usually to make the recipient feel good and/or to give the recipient feedback.

Where I sometimes stumble is in understanding the difference between the two.  I like receiving feedback so that I can know whether or not to adjust what I am doing.  For example, with no feedback I do not know whether or not I have been adding the right amount of instant flakes to my Princess’ morning coffee but she is very good at giving feedback so I infer that the amount is correct.  I only mention that as an example because she typically does provide me plenty of positive feedback, so it was difficult for me to find an example in which that is not the case.

To me the best compliment, though, is when it is not intended and when it is only a simple statement.  When that occurs, I am not confused about whether it’s being said to make me feel good or to provide feedback, it must be the latter since it was not intended as a compliment.

A few nights ago my Princess was being somewhat demanding, go get this, do that, get on the floor, etc., some of which was useful service and some of which was just exerting her authority over me.  That’s not unusual, she goes through flurries of being very demanding like that, reveling in her authority over me.

After a flurry of demands my Princess started laughing a bit.  I asked what was going on and she said, with some wonder in her voice pointing out a strange observation, something like “Most husbands hate when a wife is demanding or cruel, but you thrive on it!”

Yes!!!

Thrive is a good word.  I can’t say that being a henpecked husband is a primary kink for me, but I love the enjoyment she gets out of it and I admit that I enjoy it, and I thrive on it.  And even though the comment was just meant as an observation of how strange I am (meant in a loving way), I took it as a compliment because she enjoys it.

Something which is not a compliment is that damn belt whacking against the entire back of my body over and over.  Geez that hurts.  It feels so wrong when she uses the homemade yoke or spreader bar to affix my wrists in a spread T position, has me lie on the bed face down with my feet hanging over the edge, and just rips my flesh off with that belt.  There’s blood dripping all over the sheets and … no no, that’s a lie, it just feels like that, but there’s never any blood or even marks which last more than several minutes.  But it hurts!  I yell, and last night I was even screaming into the bed covers.

At one point she was just tapping on my behind with the belt, finally allowing me to catch my breath.  But she kept tapping the same spot and increasing the force, and that hurt just as much as the stronger force blows.  Fortunately, all of my squirming to try to get away from the blows, unsuccessfully, made her laugh so that gave me some rest from the rain of pain.  Lately, she has allowed my ankles free so that she can see my behind squirming and reacting with each whack.

The thing is, I am in pain pretty much with the first blow and so the yelling starts almost right away.  Last night’s scene lasted probably 10 minutes before my Princess stopped and released me from the restraints, but I felt like I had gone through hell.

And as a reminder, the more I whine/complain (as in the last several paragraphs) the more that means I enjoyed it.  Hurting bad = oh so good!