Sep 6, 2013 – Techniques

My Princess and I have stumbled upon a couple of interesting techniques.

From time to time my Princess and I take a stroll around the neighborhood at night.  As soon as we get home she lies back on the bed while I remove her tennis shoes and socks, and press my cool face against her very warm bare feet to cool them off.  I can’t help but add a whole lot of kisses and licks.

Her feet would still be warm so about a month ago I decided to lick up and down each sole and then blow on it, and I was rewarded with a nice sigh of contentment from her and a comment about how much she enjoys that coolness.  So now that is part of the service I provide as her foot slave, licking her feet and giving her feet a “blow job”.  Woohoo!

A few nights ago my Princess tied my hands together and had me lie face down on the edge of the bed so that she could use a belt on me.  Damn that hurts.  Maybe I should start wearing some sort of clothing around the house.  I don’t know why it seems so surprising to me how much it hurts each time she whips me with the belt.  And I don’t get the whole building-up-until-eventually-groaning-in-a-bit-of-pain thing, I’m already usually past groaning after just a blow or two.

Anywho, a few nights ago I guess I was squirming away too much for her liking so she held and pushed my head into the bed with her left hand as she used the belt on me but this time she stopped that and climbed on top of me.  That’s a bit risky, like riding a bunking bronco, because I can’t stay sill (or silent) during a whipping or pretty much any other type of pain, and I pretty much always kick my feet up and down.  She straddled my lower thighs and then resumed whacking my back with the belt.

At first I was concerned that my lower legs might thrash upwards with my heels hitting her but it’s usually my entire leg which moves up and down in reaction to pain and I don’t really bend my knees too much, so there was no real danger.  She was not sitting full on my thighs so my legs did bounce around and that led to a curious reaction for her.

How should I put it.  She told me that feeling my legs moving underneath her with each blow was an interesting feeling for her, and at one point she whacked me a bunch of times very rapid paced eliciting a whole lot of my yelling and thrashing of my legs.  Ok I’ll say it, she said that it was starting to get her off.  (Sorry Princess, if that’s TMI let me know!)  My Princess has told me that she does not have a sexual reaction to torturing me (although my reactions to it have an effect), and I believe that I have stated in this blog and on FetLife that I do not have a strong sexual reaction to torture (I do at first but that usually reduces as the pain hits me).  Ok, it’s tough to type and blush at the same time, so I’m going to change the subject.

Unfortunately, the Baltimore Ravens football team lost last night.  That’s not as far off topic as it would seem.  For last year’s Super Bowl my Baltimore subby friend pedicure_steve and I made a bet on the Super Bowl with the loser having to suffer a mild FetLife-public humiliation.  My San Francisco 49ers lost the Super Bowl to Baltimore, which meant that I lost the bet, so this season I am hoping for revenge but to get that revenge both San Francisco and Baltimore will need to win enough games to make it back to the Super Bowl so I am going to be rooting for both teams.

Sep 3, 2013 – Poly

In my life I frequently encounter guys who strongly imply that they would like to have sex with an attractive woman they see passing by (whether or not the guy is married), but I have never felt that way.  I am sure that my lifetime of never having a desire for casual sex, and my lifetime of not really having sexual contact with much of anyone (almost zero sexual experience) prior to meeting my Princess over 15 years ago, is a big factor in that.  If I see an attractive woman, or in some cases an attractive guy, I might enjoy what I am seeing but never with the association of anything sexual.  I used to look at attractive women (and the occasional attractive man) with a sort of dreamy-eyed look but I would never associate that with wanting to have sex.

I used to ask myself “Self, what would you do with her if you would meet her and you both like each other?” and my answer was always “Hmmm, I dunno really, but I’m still going to look.” One reason to look would be that there was a nagging feeling in my mind that I should be looking for a partner, but I didn’t put pressure on myself.  Before my Princess I had two girlfriends, one for over a year as a teenager before I was ready for anything, and the other in my mid-late 20s as a long-distance relationship (difficult since it was pre-internet) and I ended up meeting her in person for only two or three weekends.  And now that I am married (for over 15 years), I have no reason to look at anyone so my occurrences of looking at anyone in that way (finding someone attractive) is almost nil.  “Every guy looks, being married isn’t being dead” is something I have heard.

But I am dead to anyone other than my Princess from a sexual standpoint, they do nothing for me no matter what they look like or what they do.  I suspect that this is not true for many guys who do look, and that is fine for them, but it just isn’t what I do because that isn’t interesting to me.

The same is true from a romantic relationship standpoint. Before I met my Princess I was open to a relationship, but now all of my romantic love – and the effort to show my love – is directed towards my Princess and I am dead to others from that standpoint also.

I remember before we got married, my Princess and I were in a chatroom together (ours was a long-distance relationship before I moved to the Bay Area to be with her) and a guy wanted to propose to his girlfriend but worried what might happen if a more attractive woman approached him. In his view, every guy would at least be tempted to drop their partner right away if someone else amazingly attractive came along. “Uhh, no” was my thought to that. Our comments to him was that if this was a worry then he was probably not ready for marriage. We never heard back from him.

This past weekend my Princess posted on FetLife (which is a rare thing for her because she typically only reads my posts without responding), in response to someone else, that my Princess would choose me over George Clooney.  Well, as ridiculous as that may seem I feel the same way about my Princess for whatever other person you can name. I can’t think of a female equivalent to George Clooney but whomever that is, in the way out in space hypothetic that she sashays up to me with intimate intentions, why on earth would I even want to consider that?  Money?  Ok, that’s the only reason I admit lol. Because sexuality, sensuality, and love are not interesting to me from anyone other than my Princess.  In fact, considering that my Princess is the only woman in whom I have had an orgasm, the thought of intimacy with anyone else makes me think yecch.  My Princess and I joke with each other that she can have George Clooney in order to get his money but that’s all she would want him for.

This is probably why cuckolding is one of the few BDSM dynamics I have never fantasized about, even though it was fun from an imagination standpoint to come up with the two cuckolding fictional stories I wrote.

On FetLife and other BDSM sites people are generally open to alternative lifestyles and the issue of poly comes up somewhat frequently.  After all, if someone is open to a lifestyle of D/s, why not also poly?

In my case, despite my monogamous personality as I indicate above, I am very open to people living how they want to live consensually whether that’s being in a poly household, having a harem of whatever genders, or whatever the heck they want.  I do not hold monogamy as the right choice for everyone, just for me.  I happen to enjoy hearing or reading about those who enjoy alternative lifestyles (I’m not sure why I enjoy reading about it but I do, it’s very interesting to me and just plain enjoyable to read about).  So if someone posts a question about poly I think to myself go for it if that is what you want.

For myself, I think of the work required for both of us to keep our marriage strong and think omg I wouldn’t want to have to do double that amount for being poly. “Work”? Yes, it is work to help keep most any relationship strong, but most everyone knows that, I think.

There was a FetLife group about monogamy which I joined about a year ago but the owner of the group found that in another group I was … gasp … promoting for people to live how they want to live (poly). I got a good laugh out of flouncing out of that group.

Ok, not much BDSM in this post but I will mention that several days ago my Princess did that shush thing she does to me. She applies some sort of implement of pain to me, and when I yell loud as an involuntary reaction to the pain (even when I know that the pain is about to occur) she shushes me just in case the neighbors hear us from somewhat down the street. It’s not my fault! To make matters worse, several days ago after she shushed me she re-applied the neon wand again to a very sensitive area and I yelled loud again which caused her to shush me again. What on earth?! lol

Aug 26, 2013 — Birthday spanking

On my birthday several days ago, just as we woke up my Princess restrained my wrists to opposite ends of the bed and she whacked me 50 times with my belt, mostly on my behind.  First thing in the morning the pain seems more vivid than at other times, or at least that’s what I tried to whine about between blows.

Then she spanked my butt 50 times with her hand.  I always think of how much it must hurt her hand so I tried to beg her not to hurt herself.

Next my Princess retrieved some other weapon and whacked me 50 times with it.  I tried to explain that in the rules of birthday spankings it’s supposed to end at the number of years.  I didn’t have access at that moment to the rulebook so I didn’t have a leg to stand on, since she wouldn’t let me get up off the bed.  Is that fair?

And another thing, I don’t think it’s standard for the recipient of birthday spankings to yell in pain.  But I guess, “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” now has a new meaning.

She used a total of 8 to 10 different implements of impact on me and mostly focused on my behind over and over on the same spots.

My Princess made up for all of that pain by giving me a whole lot of attention the rest of the day.  Lots and lots of caressing, mmmm, good food mmmm, her feet in my face mmmm.  Ok, as usual I’m being misleading, the pain is not a negative, it’s very much a positive as was everything else.

Thank you Princess!

Aug 7, 2013 – Crying

My Princess hurts me and makes me cry, and she keeps hurting me.  Ok, I know, play for me the world’s smallest violin, call me a waaaambulance ……… or, recognize that when I complain or whine it means I’m lovin’ it … or all of the above.

From time to time I see posts on FetLife about how to make a sub/masochist guy cry, because evidently it just does not occur for many of them.  Well, it sometimes occurs for me when my Princess is mean to me, usually with a combination of pain and some sort of humiliation.  One of our favorite songs has the line “Just one single tear in each passing year” but that is a significant underestimate.

August is my “birthday month.”  No, I had never heard of that either, birthday month.  I do not pay much attention at all to my own birthdays, it’s pretty much just another day and I am fine with that.  However, my Princess enjoys birthdays a whole lot so we celebrate hers and she tends to celebrate mine, and I am fine with that.  But this “birthday month” is more of a celebration than usual and her method of celebration is to impact my hide every day at least as many times as my age.  And I’m no spring chicken, double ouch to that.  But she usually doesn’t stop at my age, a few days ago we had three age-impact sessions, one as soon as we woke up (impact seems to hurt more in the early morning), one when I got home from work, and one later in the evening.  I don’t know how my Princess puts up with all of the yelling in pain, she’s a very tolerant person.

She varies the instrument she uses, choosing among I guess about 10 different primary implements, and seems to focus on my behind to keep the theme of birthday spankings.

Who knew that growing old could be so fun?  What happens when I’m 80 years old???

A couple of nights ago I had not received a “birthday month” spanking that day and it was time for bed, near 11:30.  I was not in the least bit tired, though, and my Princess and I both know that if I try to sleep when I’m not tired, it makes for a bad night of insomnia for me.  We went into the bedroom and I figured I would tuck her in bed for her to sleep but she told me to get on the bed and I could tell that she meant bid’ness.  I got on the bed but when she went into the closet to retrieve her instrument(s) of choice, I decided to have some fun.

I am not a brat.  (My Princess is probably smirking now when reading this, but when I ask her sincerely she agrees that I am not a brat.)  I don’t act out to get punishment and I don’t try to make a fool of her, etc.  However, I very much enjoy making her smile and laugh and one way to do that is to play around a bit.  A few months ago I quickly scurried away when she turned her back to retrieve my belt, she yelled for me to return, and I think she enjoyed it as she laughed while whipping me after I quickly returned.  I tried taking it a bit further this time.

In some computer games, you can try to lure the enemy by running away behind a tree or something, and when they chase you and pass by the tree you can attack or sneak around behind them.  I tried that technique with my Princess.  When she went into the closet I got off the bed and went into the next room, but instead of going forward straight into the room with the intention of going into the next room after that, I turned quickly right and hid behind a chair.  So I didn’t run far but just enough for her not to be able to find me right away.  I expected her to yell at me to return, and in the interests of making her laugh I did not obey (yeah bratty I know, but for a noble purpose!).  I expected her to chase after me, going into the next two rooms, and then I would slip behind her onto the bed and act as if I had obeyed completely.  I even had my facial expression in mind, wide-eyed and innocent.

My Princess performed the smart tactical maneuver, though, in that she stayed in the bedroom and just waited for me.  She plays computer games, too!  I, of course, returned to the room with my tail between my legs, my plot thwarted, and that was that.

That wasn’t that, though.  My Princess restrained my wrists so I was face down spread-eagled on the bed, and then as she whacked my behind with her hard paddle she forcefully told me never to do that again you hear me.  I don’t remember exactly what she said after that because I was yelling in pain from the blows which were more forceful than usual, I guess it was around 8 hard (but not severely hard) blows spaced a couple of seconds apart, with berating to go along with it.

Speaking generally, my Princess seems to particularly enjoy having a reason to funish me, as if that gives her added license and “just desserts” to hurt me even though she knows that she has a lifetime license for that.  I am not talking about legit ways in which I mess up in service such as forgetting a task, because that’s not fun for anyone, I am talking about a tiny mistake which she doesn’t really care much about (if at all) but she enjoys busting my chops.  On this night, her tone and actions were stern and without apparent humor but I nevertheless interpreted that as her having extra fun in hurting me.  Maybe I’m wrong but I doubt it because she didn’t stop at just the initial beratement-beating, her sternness continued for I guess the next half hour during her session of hurting me, and I don’t think she would punish me in that way (because it’s fun).  If I’m wrong and she truly wants me to stop any bit of brattiness, I’m sure she will let me know (especially after reading this), but she has told me previously that it’s all okay.

She also knows that what is said in the heat of a moment (i.e. during S&M or sex) is not something I’m likely to remember.  I don’t know what would happen if she tried to give me legit instructions in between blows or during torture, I can only hope that I would be able to focus.

For the first time in a long time she put large binder clips on my back, the type of clips you get from an office workplace.  On my FetLife profile (ted_subby) there are pictures of my back with those on.  They hurt, in case you were wondering.  A couple of them were clipped to just enough skin to hold for several seconds before sliding off with a snap as their jaws closed on each other, to then be applied with more permanence.  Begging was futile, whining and singing into the pillow were futile.  She laughed when I explained to her that it hurt, I guess I was captain obvious there but it’s difficult for me to be rational and logical when in pain.

Once there were I think 3 or 5 clips in place on my back and lower portion of my butt cheeks, my Princess started whacking me again but with a different implement.

She has a thin small wooden paddle which does not pack much punch and despite the noise of the whack it does not really cause me pain on the first blow (and coming from me, with my low threshold for pain, that’s saying a lot), but whacked repeatedly the pain begins and grows with each blow.  She whacked me a dozen times with that thing, very rapid pace with probably two whacks a second (just a guess, maybe three whacks every two seconds).  Ok, message received, you can make me groan loud in pain into the pillow even with that light paddle.  I don’t think she heard me, though, because I was groaning into the pillow.

Regardless, she didn’t stop at a dozen whacks, she kept whacking me non-stop rapid pace.  Two dozen, three dozen, probably a lot more than that, I lost count but my guess at the time was 60.  How can this go on?  Oh the humanity!  The beating paused for a couple of seconds and then resumed at the same rapid pace, maybe another couple of dozen blows.  It paused again and I said “Please don’t hurt your arm Princess” (see, I’m not such a bad sub, I’m thinking of her well-being!) but she resumed again.  At one point she said it had been 200 and she threatened to make it 500, so that she could hear me pitifully whine loud as I begged, but I think it stopped after 50 more as a guess.

The good news is that during the rapid paddle beating I had no thought of the pain from the binder clips, thank you Princess!  … until she brought back the larger hard paddle and spent a few seconds tapping the binder clips on my behind with the paddle to line up a good area for harder spanking.

I remember asking myself if I was close to safe wording.  The answer, to my own surprise, is no, not at any time.  I’m not a masochist who enjoys the pain itself, and I very rarely get any noticeable kick from endorphins, it’s all pain and no pain-turned-to-pleasure unlike some masochists I know (damn them!).  While safe wording is not something I do much (probably a half dozen times in the past year-and-a-half), I was glad that it wasn’t even on my mind and the one brief moment I asked myself about it my answer was that it was not in the picture.

Anywho, yesterday my Princess had me stand in front of a mirror and view the marks still there from the binder clips 20 hours ago.  This time, she seemed not to have even a tinge of remorse as she seemed to have the few other times I have had marks lasting more than just several minutes.  She seemed proud and glad.  I thought Princesses were supposed to be gentle and demanding, not sadistic?  Oh well.

I write about this sort of thing with the tone of a complaining victim, because that’s my deal so to speak, but in case it isn’t clear:  I absolutely love being victimized by her.

When I first joined FetLife almost 2 years ago I was somewhat surprised to encounter sub guys who do not enjoy being hurt by a sadistic dominant.  In my teens I didn’t even realize anyone besides me enjoyed any of these sorts of things but once in my early 20s I learned of S&M I was glad that I was not alone in the type of desires I have.  I did not look into S&M all that much in my 30s (I am 49 now), even after I had internet access, in trying to learn what others enjoy, and there was no FetLife or any other good source that presented itself to me for that sort of broad information about BDSM.

But then I learned a couple of years ago that while there are a whole lot of people who enjoy BDSM, it’s actually quite different for most everyone.  What, you don’t enjoy the dynamic of a sub being hurt by a sadistic dominant?  What’s the point then?  Fortunately, FetLife and other sites have answers and I saw that there were more dynamics and even activities than I could have even dreamed of (or fantasized about!).  On top of that, I learned that I very much enjoy discussing and reading about those dynamics, pretty much every BDSM dynamic interests me even in the infrequent cases where I would never even fantasize about that dynamic for myself.

I may not be into BDSM-type dynamic or activity XYZ but I love reading about it and discussing it!

So my Princess gets to listen to me talk about all sorts of things which neither of us would have even considered.  To my good fortune, she enjoys talking with me about these topics and finds them almost as interesting as I do.  And no it’s not just because I am rubbing her feet as we talk!


Fyi I have been writing Male Submission articles for the Submissive Guide in the past several months.  On my main web page are links to my half-dozen or so articles.

Oh, also fyi I wrote BDSM-type lyrics to a famous song, here is a link:  If I were a Master!

Jul 23, 2013 – A public beating

A bit over a week ago I spent literally several minutes on my hands and knees staring just 1 foot away at the leather shoes on the feet of a man in our house.  Ok, I’m a tease, I did spend several minutes on my hands and knees staring just 1 foot away at the leather shoes on the feet of a man in our house, but that was because he had accidentally spilled his drink on the floor and I was wiping it up.  My mind might have had other thoughts at the moment beyond the spill and I admit that my eyes never left his shoes as I was on my hands and knees, hmmm maybe he spilled on accident and was trying to humiliate me.  Some of the drink spilled on his shoes and I had to stop myself from wiping off his shoes, even though I wanted to.

Anywhip, on a separate subject, my Princess surprised me with a public beating.

Several days ago I broke a plastic coat hanger as it snapped while I was hanging up a shirt.  It wasn’t my fault!  Afterwards, I left the broken hangar on my Princess’ dresser so that she would see it because I do not hide my transgressions … er, the accidents which occur through no fault of mine.

A couple of days later, while a few members of my Princess’ side of the family were in our house visiting, I was sitting in the back room (the one with my PC) minding my own business when my Princess burst into the room, with quite aggressive body language and wielding the broken coat hanger in her hand in a threatening way.  Surely she wouldn’t do anything BDSM or D/s related while her family was around.  Wrong.  She raised her voice at me, berating me for breaking the coat hanger, holding it in the air to emphasize her point, and then she hit me in my bicep with it.  It was not just a tap on the arm, it hurt!

I was flummoxed.  I figured that maybe she was trying to get in some stealth beating but there was no stealth about it as she was loudly berating me while whacking me over and over in the bicep, as her family was out of site but right in the other room with no intervening door.

I tried to keep quiet, thinking that we should not be open to her vanilla family, but it hurt like heck and I couldn’t help but go ow!! a few times.  And more importantly, I tried hard not to move much because I didn’t want that plastic coat hanger hitting me on a bone such as my elbow or in my face.  After maybe a dozen painful whacks she stopped and went back out to tell her family that I deserved the beating.  “He likes it anyway!”!!!!  And her sister said to her father “See, she’s the bossy one!”

WTF?!  As I was thinking about the incident later, I figure that her family must have thought that my Princess was hitting the couch and that her loving husband was just acting as if he was being beaten.  Their angel would never beat her husband.  Ha!  (And I am very glad that their angel has a devil inside her which she lets out on my hide!)

On FetLife last night someone posted a thread about how sub guys do not in general play at public play parties.  One of the reasons given is that guys do not want to appear weak in front of other guys so there would be a fear of yelling out in pain.  I have no idea of any of this, since I’m not in the BDSM community other than on FetLife, but I would think that appearing weak in front of others would be a draw for public play rather than a drawback for me.  In my mind at least, I enjoy the dynamic of appearing to be a wimp about BDSM-type pain, that would increase the humiliation.  I certainly can’t speak for others but I think it’d be fun.  The one time a year ago I went to a BDSM club most all of the subs/bottoms were stoic, and female, so I might disturb the library-like atmosphere there.

Then again, I usually do not mind appearing to be a wimp about pain, even when BDSM is not involved.  I admit freely to nurses that I sometimes feel like fainting when I see blood (especially my own) and when I had that tooth pulled without general anesthesia several months ago I had no problem seeming like a big baby in front of everyone there.

That makes me wonder about whether or not I would be able to enjoy BDSM blood play.  Each of us, my Princess and I, list this as a limit. I would worry about safety and cleanliness to begin with, because I don’t think it would be safe to just take a random safety pin or whatever lol.  Plus I would think that a top performing blood play would need to research to understand safe areas.  In other words, if my Princess came at me with the intent to make me bleed, I would probably safe word unless I had some confidence level in the safety.

But even apart from that, it makes me feel light-headed to think carefully about it and when I have blood drawn at a lab or doctor’s office.  So what would happen if the safety concerns were met and I was being “forced” (consensual non-consent, my primary BDSM kink) to be cut?  I dunno.  I guess I might faint, unfortunately.

Oh well, it’s not something I think about much (and my Princess doesn’t want it anyway) and when I see sadists talking on FetLife about hurting someone and making them bleed, I enjoy the dynamic (I enjoy any dynamic of BDSM sadists hurting someone consensually) but I realize that it’s probably not something I would want to experience.  It’s another case of fantasy vs desire which is a topic I wrote about in this article:

Fantasizing is one thing but actually desiring to experience it is sometimes different.  I desire a whole lot of BDSM things I fantasize about, but there are a few things I do not desire in reality even though I fantasize.

Oh and speaking of which, in my most recent blog entry post at the end I may have given the incorrect impression that I want age play.  I was using an age play reference as a joke because I don’t desire or fantasize about age play (well, I don’t fantasize “much” about it, I fantasize about just about everything BDSM related) unless it was “forced” but I’m not sure how forced age play would even work.  I could see how forced animal play could work, such as putting someone (consensual non-consent) into pony gear and making the pony obey and I have read some hawt fictional stories about that, but I don’t know how forced age play could work.  I’m sure there’s a way, though, for devious minds to think of.  Now that I remember it, a few times my Princess has forced a pacifier in my mouth and laughed at me, and that was a long time ago before she was my dominant.

Luckily for me, though, she never did that in front of her family!

I encountered an interesting interview from 1982 of musical artist Kate Bush (at who, by the way, was the inspiration for my Musical Artist fictional story (sorry Ms. Bush) as I had a major-league crush on her when I was in my 20s before I met my Princess.  Honestly, I think the way my “heart opened” for her helped me be open later for my Princess, as silly as it may seem to have an open heart for someone from afar like that.

Anywho, the interview on that site began “Kate Bush, you have beautiful toes. Bright and pink, they’re so nice when you curl them up. The sort of toes I want to put…” and then the topic changed completely at that point.

What on earth?!  Talk about inappropriate!  Or at least it seems that way to me, going beyond just complimenting someone.  Then again, my fictional story is not exactly appropriate so I shouldn’t talk.  You want to put, what, bells on them?  You want to put them in pictures?  No?  You want to put those toes in your mouth or elsewhere.

Of course, the other thing which struck me is the interviewer being so open about his foot fetish.  Except that now he makes having a foot fetish seem stereotypically creepy, as if all of us foot fetish guys are inappropriate like that which is very much untrue.  Oh well.

I don’t enjoy being shocked such as things jumping out at me, even as a sub/bottom/victim/whatever.  Today I got home from work before my Princess did and I had some sort of sub intuition or something.  As I was showering — a nice very warm luxurious shower to wash away the stress of work — I looked at the bathroom several times to see if it moved.  I don’t know if I sensed something was up but I can say that it is not paranoia if they really are out to get ya.  After all, this shower is where my Princess had peed on me, twice, so I had that disturbing memory on my mind.

Sure enough one time I looked at the door it had moved so I looked over the shower wall.  There she was so I said hello and she said with disappointment that she had wanted to surprise me “with this!” and she splashed cold water on me.  She’s such a bully. <3

Jul 4, 2013 – Asking for something

…so how can I ask my Princess for something?

I’ll back up a bit to explain my question.  A few days ago on July 1st I posted a blog entry about my most unfortunate shortcoming and this is a continuation of that.  I recommend reading that entry before reading this one.

On FetLife I frequently see comments, mostly from dominant women, that subs need to speak up and state their desires.  I frequently see statements to the effect of “How can I make an informed decision as the dominant without information on what he prefers?  I am not a mind-reader.”  I agree with the approach of open communication.  If people in a relationship can express their thoughts and desires with each other in an open manner, that is great and extremely helpful to everyone.

However, how can I muster up the whatever to ask my Princess for something knowing what she has to put up with (i.e. my shortcomings)?  How can I say “I would really like XXX” when I believe that XXX is not something she is particularly interested in (maybe yes a bit or maybe not at all) and when I can’t reciprocate by enjoying something she particularly enjoys?  The answers are that I really can’t.  “I want you to do this for me but I can’t do that for you” = not a dynamic I or most anyone would enjoy, I think.

Mountain out of a molehill?  I don’t think so.  It’s not a small issue nor is it short-term.  Throughout my entire life I have avoided asking people I care about for anything, I would rather just do it myself or do without.  I still strive to get what I want through discussion and if things work out my way then I’m good with that, even if it’s the other person going out of their way for me.  The thing is, it’s usually on their own initiative so that I can feel comfortable that they want to do it and it wasn’t from pressure by me.  I do not want to be a burden on people I care about, even for just one issue.

Early in our marriage I quickly became much more comfortable stating my preferences to my Princess, because she has helped me feel comfortable.  I don’t like asking for things but I have learned in many situations how to state my preferences without making it seem like a request, or if it is just a thinly-veiled request I am okay with that if it’s something which I feel comfortable will not be a big issue.  Just to take a minor example, I have no problem expressing my preference on a restaurant we go to, if I have a preference, because I know that it almost never causes disappointment in her since if she wants to go somewhere then I am good with that.  We resolve disagreements extremely well so I do not go out of my way to steer away from those.

In my career I have no problem whatsoever asking for things, and I’m even sort of a “bulldog” in making sure that I obtain from others what I believe my customers need.  It has taken me some time to get this way and I am glad for it.  What makes this issue in my career different is that I put the job at hand ahead of my co-workers’ feelings (although my closer co-workers see less of the bulldog in me than those from other departments see) so if I am a burden to a co-worker then too bad because I have a job to complete.  I’m always very polite but my point is that due to not particularly caring about the feelings of my co-workers I can feel free to risk hurting their feelings by asking them to do things they may not want to do, if I feel it is part of their job.  I am a burden to my co-workers from time to time and I am fine with that.  By contrast, for people I care about such as friends and especially my Princess, stating my preferences can be tough if it potentially calls upon them to do any work.

I actually do not have preferences on a lot of things (which do not involve me doing work or which cost a lot of money, since I do have preferences about those types of issues) and that works out great because my Princess has her own preferences on many of the things I don’t care much about, so she gets her way and I am glad for that because I otherwise do not have much of a preference at all.  But I do have preferences on some things and my Princess and I are great at working it out on the rare times we disagree on a preference.  I am very thankful for that as well as pretty much all other aspects of our marriage.  I am very lucky.  And that’s not what this blog entry is about anyway.

What I mean to address is that it is difficult for many subs to express their preferences to their dominant, and in my case it is just difficult for me regardless of D/s because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, especially to my Princess.  Or, stated more precisely, I don’t want to be more of a burden to her.

Reality check states that I am not overall a burden (in other words, I am worth the burden) and she assures me of that whenever I bring it up (including, I’m sure, once she reads this blog entry later today), but still it is difficult to overcome a lifetime of not stating my preferences, especially when stating those preferences might not lead to a good situation.

As usual with difficult subjects, I’m being somewhat vague and most of the above might not make much sense.  However, I think I am not alone in not wanting to ask for things because I don’t want to be a burden.

From a BDSM standpoint this meshes well with my not wanting to drive the bus, and I think that is working well for my Princess and me.  If I state a preference within BDSM and then that occurs just as I stated it, then I would feel like I’m driving the bus and would be contrary to my consensual non-consent kink, not to mention the “burden” issue above, so I just don’t state preferences.  And if somehow I were to break my “burden mentality” and state I want XXX, YYY, and ZZZ, that’s not a good dynamic to me anyway because of the consensual non-consent issue.

So what do I want?  I want a pony, and bubble-gum, and a hot wheels set, and a castle, and … oops age play.

Jul 1, 2013 – Closed-minded

I am closed-minded in what I enjoy.  This is in my view by far my biggest shortcoming.  Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to enjoy most everything?  Well, I’m pretty much on the opposite end of that spectrum.  There are very few activities which I enjoy … except within the realm of BDSM which to me almost all seems great almost no matter the activity (more on that later).

This shortcoming of mine is a very difficult thing to deal with.  It’s like having to find just the right rattle to give to a baby, they cry unless they have just the right one.  Maybe the baby doesn’t cry right away and can be okay for a while but at some point waaaah.

Unfortunately, that analogy is not that far off.  I don’t cry but I don’t have much tolerance for when I am in stuck in situations I don’t enjoy.

Okay, no-one enjoys being in un-enjoyable situations (that’s a tautology), so I’m not a unique flower.  But being limited in the quantity of activities I enjoy really puts me behind the 8 ball, so to speak.  And this is nothing new for me, it has been all of my life.

I am not proud of this.  In fact, it’s one of the things about myself that I don’t like.  It sucks.  And when I try to go outside of my comfort zone to try to help change my ways it sucks further because I don’t usually react well, getting grumpy sometimes for days if the event was a very bad one.  Like a spoiled baby.  As stated in the Monty Python episode, “Albatross!”

Which is why when I found FetLife and other sites, I was surprised that a large majority of what I see seems like a lot of fun, even if it is not something I have fantasized about.  That looks like fun, ooh look at that, that’s scary but seems like fun!  Finally, something which seems enjoyable in pretty much its entirety.

One of the most alluring parts of FetLife for the first few months was the advertisements.  I used to click on the ads frequently, and it would stoke my sub frenzy like a puppy in a new playground.  I would insert those toys from the advertisements into the fictional stories I was writing, to help me explore how those toys could be used in the consensual non-consent “forced” ways I enjoy, not to mention how the toys would appear in my daydream-like fantasies.

To clarify, I don’t actually enjoy many BDSM activities on their own, without the “forced” or at least a D/s element.  There are some BDSM activities I probably would enjoy in a top/bottom dynamic even without D/s but probably not all that many, so for that I would probably be somewhat close-minded (or picky is a better word in this case).  But when it’s D/s and/or being “forced,” woohoo almost anything goes!!!

So what about being “forced” to do other non-BDSM-related things I do not enjoy?  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for me.  I feel no D/s dynamic from it.  I might still be glad that I did it depending upon other dynamics present (especially if it is about pleasing my Princess because I do enjoy that), and I might even enjoy the activity overall from that standpoint depending upon the details, but alas being “forced” to do it doesn’t bring any D/s into it for me.  To clarify, my Princess and I do a lot for each other and that is not what this blog post is about, the post is just about my own feelings of this issue as it relates to D/s.

Anywho, that is why in the past year when in the context of submission on FetLife and other sites (including my blog) I say things like “I enjoy pretty much whatever my Princess does to me or has me do,” I now say instead “I enjoy pretty much whatever BDSM-type activity my Princess does to me or has me do.”  Ugh, I hate that I can’t just say the first version of that but the truth is very important to me and it is what it is.

I probably have more to say about this difficult subject in a follow-up blog post, but I’ll let that wait for now.

Jun 18, 2013 – Warmth

My Princess and I are very warm towards each other.  But that’s not what this blog entry is about.  There are references to other types of warmth below.

She was rather fiery yesterday when she indicated to me after I got home from work (and after she made me get on my belly to kiss her toes, which happens frequently) that she had something to tell me.  I was a bit worried about maybe bad news or it could be anything.  As we walked into our bedroom for me to get out of my work clothes my Princess told me to give her my belt.  I knew that the “news” would be bad indeed, or at least for me!

Several nights earlier just as I was almost out of my work clothes my Princess went behind a door to retrieve my belt which I had just hung up.  She turned her back to me so I quietly bolted out of the bedroom.  I can imagine the look on her face as with belt in hand she turned to see me gone.  Lol!  She was surprised and bellowed “Get back here!”

I’m not a bratty type at all but that was fun.  That belt hurts, though.  If anyone is thinking of starting out S&M with a belt, take it easy with that thing.  Damn but it feels good, though.  Oops, I digress.

So when last night my Princess said that she had something to tell me, it was her way of transitioning into a session of pain without giving me the opportunity to bolt.

The great philosopher and TV character from Babylon 5 J’Kar stated something like (from my memory) “The universe is comprised of moments of peace, moments of action, and moments of transition.”  I wonder how others transition into a BDSM session?  Is it something like this?  “Honey, do you feel like whipping me now or maybe later?” “Okay, yes that would be grand.”  Or maybe “Are you feeling up to taking a whipping now?” “Oh yes that’d be peachy!”  Well, those transitions wouldn’t work for me.  For me BDSM is as much about consensual non-consent as reasonably possible, and to treat it like most any other activity isn’t my type of dynamic.  That said, I certainly understand the necessity to negotiate a scene, being clear about limits and generally talking about the mindset, etc.  My Princess and I have had those discussions many times (plus she reads my blog!) and she knows that she has my consent anytime we are home, so the dynamic is all non-consent which is great because then I can run away, beg, and complain all I want without her thinking that there is any need or desire to actually stop.

Our moments of transition are that she either tells me to assume the position (whatever position she wants me in) or she just grabs me by the you-know-what and drags me to where she wants me.  In truth, I could safe word or just indicate if something is wrong, and believe it or not there have been two or three times in the 18 months or so since BDSM has re-entered our lives when a BDSM scene would just not be enjoyable (did I really type that?  did that really occur???), but that’s rare.

Anywho, later, after dinner, I grabbed a chocolate granola bar.  I try not to eat too big of a dinner just because that’s not healthy and then I fill in the corners sometimes with a granola bar.  But after that incident I blogged about within the past few weeks in which my Princess had simply told me to put the granola bar away and have cauliflower instead, I have been more hesitant. A few nights ago I did have a granola bar, the first since that incident, and I tried to be completely casual about it but my Princess bullied me anyway.  Bullying is what it felt like, she does it because she can.  As soon as she saw the granola bar a few nights ago she smiled sadistically and I tried to not make eye contact but I was doomed anyway.  She told me to give her the granola bar and I was fine with sharing it but that’s not what she had in mind.

She took the flat part of the granola bar and rubbed it a few times against the sole of her bare foot.  I would be perfectly fine with that, having a fetish for her feet, but her feet were dirty, not horribly, but definitely dirty.  I sighed and ate the granola bar anyway.

Last night I escaped almost unscathed probably because I begged her to allow me to have the granola bar instead of just assuming I could have it.  She told me to kiss each of her toes 10 times, a total of 100 kisses, and I was glad for that.  That was a damn good granola bar last night.  (I never thought I’d be blogging about eating a granola bar but oh well.)

Later in the evening we took our first walk around the neighborhood since my last blog entry.  As my Princess lay on the bed ready for my face to cool off her warm feet right after the walk, I ran into the kitchen to retrieve an ice pack from the freezer.  I knelt down at her feet and then pressed the ice pack against one side of my entire face for several seconds.  It hurt but it wasn’t too bad.  My Princess laughed because she knew that we have been joking with each other about dipping our hands in a bucket of ice for many years, and then she giggled when I pressed my ice-cooled face to the soles of her feet.  She told me that it felt good so I did it several more times, pressing the ice pack to my face then my face to her feet.  I also pressed the ice pack against my lips and then pressed my lips to her toes.

She enjoyed it but I think she likes even better the new somewhat standard foot service I provide which is to lick the soles of her warm feet and then blow on them to cool them off.  My Princess seems to like that a lot.  See, I am a service slave! lol

Then my Princess had me lie down on the bed as she grabbed the ice pack.  Oh sh..oot.  Damn this is going to hurt.  But she didn’t hurt me, she dabbed the ice pack on the soles of my very warm feet.  Except that it was too cold and didn’t feel all that good, it sort of hurt a bit but I loved the attention nonetheless.  The ice pack was getting a bit warmer and it was starting to feel good having her dab that against my feet but then she walked to the side of the bed and my fear level jumped.  She just couldn’t resist pressing the ice pack against the side of my body and in a few other sensitive areas.  I guess she doesn’t mind me yelling at the top of my lungs right into her face (see what my Princess has to put up with?!).

She was done and I said “Thank you, Princess” like a bullied victim afraid of more torture because that’s truly how I felt (gosh I love that feeling).  But inside I truly am thankful, even at those times when I’m yelling in pain.  Well, maybe not right at those times, but in between yelling I am thankful!

I type a lot of words to describe moments which go by quickly.  My Princess sometimes jokes with me after I have been yelling in pain “And you think you could take hours of this, ha!”  My only thoughts are to mimic Maxwell Smart who said to a torturer “I can stand the pain if you can stand the screaming.”  I always loved that line, one of my favorite evarrr.  Wait, if Max is screaming then he can’t stand the pain so his line is confusing!  Which makes it all the more fun.

I have learned that putting an ice pack against my lips and feet make my lips and feet feel very warm later once the coolness has worn off.

Later in the evening as we sat on the couch I teased her like I do sometimes by putting my very warm feet on her thigh, as if I am torturing her with a hot poker.  My Princess, not being submissive, reacts with mock anger and threats.  Except this time there were no threats, there were consequences.  She told me to stand up on the cool floor.  I thought she was joking, meaning that she didn’t want me to actually stand up to get away from what I was typing on my PC, so I didn’t stand at first.

Tangent:  is disobedience due to thinking that the command was a joke a legit excuse?  Hmmm, I guess now that I’m typing it out the answer is probably no.

She repeated her command and that was that, I stood up.  Then my warm and loving Princess very thoughtfully told me to stand barefoot over the air conditioning vent on the floor as that would cool my warm feet.  I was very thankful that she was thinking of my comfort level but I pointed out that it’s very cold and would hurt.  My Princess told me to stand over it anyway and to press my nose to the wall right next to the vent.  There was no joke in the command level of her voice.  She was going to have some more fun at my expense.

So I stood there naked and shivering in the cold from the vent and with my nose and head pressed against the wall as she watched TV and presumably cast a glance my way from time to time.  I stood like that for several minutes before being allowed to sit back down on the couch.  I kissed her feet and said “Thank you, Princess.”

A bit later as she was reaching for a pillow on the floor she bumped her hand into the thin hard stick which she has handy in the room where we spend most of our time.  I would call it a cane but it looks more like a stick.  It doesn’t hurt like hell when she whacks me with it but she usually does it rapid pace and then the pain level ramps up, or if she hits me hard enough it hurts right away.  Bumping into the stick gave her a quick idea so she picked it up and without warning started whacking my chest with it.  Whiiinnne.

Then she said the line of the night:  “You sure are whiney tonight!”

I was caught between wanting to cry and wanting to laugh.  I responded, only somewhat whiningly, “It’s because you’re being so mean to me!”

Jun 5, 2013 – Submission is a gift

I figured I would post a controversial title for this entry.  From time to time on FetLife I see a comment that one’s submission is a gift and I sometimes see comments that one’s dominance is a gift, with plenty of responses of agreement and disagreement.  It’s a touchy topic for some people.

A google search defines gift as “A thing given willingly to someone without payment.”  By that definition, one could easily see submission or dominance as a gift.  However, the word gift implies more than just that definition in my view.  It is not just something given but something which is for the purposes of the benefit of the receiver.  For example, one wouldn’t say “I gave him the gift of a punch in the arm” … well, unless he would enjoy that sort of thing lol.

I also add more to the definition.  I guess it’s a complicated word.  A gift is something which is not for the benefit of the sender.  For example, if spouse A wants a specific computer game and purchases one for spouse B who may also want that same game, then that does not seem like a gift to me, it is just a mutually enjoyable purchase.  The item can still qualify as being a gift if person A does not enjoy the item itself but enjoys giving the gift.  Giving a gift usually involves pleasure for the sender, but the pleasure for a sender in a gift is in the giving, not in the actual use of the gift.

I admit that it is a very fine line.  If partner A gives to partner B a recliner couch as a gift and partner B being more relaxed is of benefit to partner A, then that still qualifies as a gift even though partner A receives an indirect benefit.  There really is no hard and fast rule in my view.

So by my understanding of the word gift, person A gives something to person B which person A believes that person B would like and which is not something for the direct benefit of person A.  A fruitcake might also fit that definition, regardless of whether or not person B actually enjoys the fruitcake, as long as person A doesn’t eat and enjoy the fruitcake.

So are submission and dominance a gift?  I can only speak for myself, and I certainly hope not.  Yes I give my submission to my Princess and she gives her dominance to me, and yes it is partially for the benefit of the other, but it is for our own benefit also.  I don’t submit to my Princess only because it is what she wants, it is because I also want it.  If I didn’t want to be submissive but she wanted it, and because of that I became submissive, then that would be a gift.  That doesn’t apply here, though, because we both want it.  At the same time, my Princess dominates me because she wants to and because she knows that I also want it.  In other words, it’s a fully mutual thing and not a one-sided gift given from one to the other.

Admittedly, my definition of “gift” does not match others’ definition.  It’s just that using the word gift in the context of a D/s relationship does not seem to fit at all for me.

I could certainly see where “gift” could fit into a D/s dynamic for others.  If partner A is into D/s but really doesn’t like a particular activity while partner B very much enjoys it, then partner A may provide a “gift” to partner B in participating despite not liking it much.  This is a dynamic for D/s I do not like at all personally, but to each their own.  The reason that I do not like that dynamic for D/s personally is that I like most everything BDSM-related which my Princess does to me or has me do, except for limits.  So if she wants to do an activity then go for it, as long as it isn’t past one of the limits we agree on.  The only things I could gift to her as a submissive – the only things I would not enjoy myself – are past our limits, which may change over time but they aren’t things which either of us want.

Going in the other direction, I am more into BDSM than my Princess is (fantasizing about it for dozens of years as I have will have that effect!) and there are BDSM-related activities she would not enjoy.  She could “gift” me her participation in a BDSM-related activity but I would very much not want that because I would not enjoy any BDSM-related activity which would not come from her own enjoyment.  That has always been part of my particular BDSM kink and fantasies, the sadistic dominant must enjoy it or else I wouldn’t enjoy it.

That is why I say that I do not want gifts to be part of our D/s dynamic.

Ok, you may have noticed that I have put in some extra qualifiers in what I have commented on above for my own situation. There are plenty of activities which are not D/s related which I would not enjoy, and I could gift any of those to her, and I do sometimes.  Yes sometimes.  I know that as a “perfect” 24/7 submissive I could gift her everything which I dislike, but I’m certainly not that type of submissive.  I know that some subs only desire is to please their dominant but I’m not that type of sub, either.  As a loving husband I enjoy pleasing my Princess but as with most any loving husband there are limits to what I do.

Going in the other direction, there are plenty of things which my Princess could and does gift to me, and I do enjoy all of those.  It is just that none of them are BDSM-related because I would not enjoy a BDSM-related gift at all, as I mentioned.

There is a very famous D/s F/m author who frequently posts on FetLife.  I very much enjoy her posts except when she promotes her idea of giving her sub gifts of dominance or fetish fulfillment.  I believe that she posts that she gifts to her sub/husband whippings because he enjoys that.  That dynamic of giving gifts of dominance is great for those who want that, but it very much goes against my grain because I want mutually fulfilling BDSM and D/s, and the word “gift” goes against my view of mutually fulfilling … with the understanding that I have a somewhat unusual definition of the word gift.

Summary with my somewhat complicated definition of gift:  I enjoy giving gifts to and receiving gifts from my Princess, except for BDSM-related gifts because those are all mutually fulfilling so the word gift does not apply.

“My submission to you is a gift” is to me the same as saying “I don’t really want to submit to you in particular but I submit to you as a gift.”  Blecch.

Ok, enough of that theory/opinion-talk.

Last night my Princess and I watched a great old Twilight Zone (Rod Serling early 1960s) episode “The Chaser” in which a hopelessly-in-love man gives to the female object of his love a slip-into-her-champagne potion which makes her fall madly in love with him.  The woman goes way overboard in giving the guy love and affection, and since the writer Rod Serling was apparently an anti-romantic, it turns into a horror story in which the man abhors all of the sickly-sweet too-much affection he receives from her.  After days of this too-much-love the last line is when she is kissing him on the cheek as she embraces him and says “And we will be together like this for the rest of our lives.”  That line in that situation could be a good romantic ending but instead it is meant as a horror story as the guy’s face contorts in emotional agony that his life is ruined.  Classic!

Watching this episode in my teens and 20s, even though the focus of the show is more about her overboard love than about her submission, I would focus on how submissive she was in offering to do anything he wanted.  She said things like “Would you like another back rub?” and “My happiness is from your happiness.”  Wow, who wouldn’t want a spouse like that?  I mean really.  Just ask a vanilla unattached guy on the street if he wants a woman whose happiness is truly received from his happiness.  Go on, I will wait here while you go to the street to ask!  I bet some of those who worked on that TV episode would ask themselves “And that’s supposed to be a nightmare????”

My thoughts in my 20s and watching it now are that the guy was horrible in either not taking control of his slave … I mean of the situation … and letting her know how she could make him happy.  Is she bothering you kissing your cheek while you are reading?  Then ask her to do something else.  Or if this is a consensual D/s situation then tell her to (fill in the blank here with whatever you want)!  I certainly would have been telling her things to do (details intentionally missing!), once she convinced me over and over that she wanted me to let her know.  Oops, I’m a sub, that sort of talk doesn’t fit this blog lol.  Anywho, he was a terrible “Master” and Rod Serling completely failed to convince me that this general situation would be a nightmare.  Maybe that was Rod’s ploy, as a double-reverse swerve, but I doubt it.  Either way, it’s a very enjoyable episode.

Clarification:  the woman in the episode was seemingly vacuous and over-the-top annoying with her “affection.”  For example, she did not ask about the book he was reading, she didn’t seem to care.  I do not believe that her happiness was only in providing him happiness, I believe that she was extremely needy beyond that in needing to be present and providing direct immediate attention of her choosing to him.  There is nothing wrong with that but that is very different from ““My happiness is only from your happiness.”  And certainly many guys would not want to have a woman like the one in the episode.  The actress played the part well.

The episode has 3 foot references which I like, too.  The professor who sells the man the potion says, among other things, “She will fall at your feet.”  Okay, that’s not much of a foot reference.  Also, at one point the woman is playfully tickling her man’s nose for several seconds with a powder-puff-type thing on her shoe, so that presumably he is smelling her shoe.  Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch but it seems unusual to me.  The best by far, though, is when the man arrives home from work and she has him sit down while she kneels at his feet and says something like “Darling, let me remove your shoes and rub your feet.  How about if I dip my hands in a bucket of ice?  I know that your feet get so hot at work.”  Woohoo!!!!!!!!

All through my late teens and 20s I dreamed, fantasized, about having a woman fall for me like that, and to worship my feet.  Even though I mostly fantasized about suffering 24/7 torture and agony, what I desired more than fantasized back in my 20s was to be adored like that, although I knew that both types of fantasizing (extreme suffering and extreme adoration) were very unrealistic to that degree, and would actually be terrible if pushed to that degree (or at least the suffering would be lol).  And now that I know what actual romantic love is, rather than just fantasizing, I far prefer my real Princess with whom I share deep love and affection, not that silly over-the-top stuff in the episode.  Through our entire marriage my Princess and I have joked about this episode with each other as one or the other of us would jokingly ask as a sign of submission if we should dip our hands in a bucket of ice.  And lately after a walk around the neighborhood when afterwards she presses her hot bare soles against my face which is cool from the outside night air, sometimes I ask “Would you like me to dip my face in a bucket of ice?”

May 29 – Bioshock Infinite and a rant about discrimination

The following entry has no BDSM-related content.  It has strong spoilers of the first sections of Bioshock Infinite, which is a computer game I blogged about a month or two ago.

On FetLife recently someone opened a thread about the relation of index and ring finger sizes with dominant or submissive tendencies.  It was not a super-serious thread and one I would just skip but it sort of coincided with something in the computer game Bioshock Infinite which my Princess is now playing (as I watch her play and provide help and encouragement).

Is a generalization relating human beings’ physical characteristics with something non-physical a reasonable topic?  In a blog entry a few weeks ago I stated that I am intolerant to intolerance, meaning that if someone is intolerant of others then I am usually not okay with that.  However, I am finding that I am rather intolerant myself to certain points of view.

Here is where the big game spoilers are.  In Bioshock Infinite the main character you are controlling, named Booker, is sent up to a huge city in the sky.  This city seems quite idyllic, a wonderful early 20th century festival of carnivals and cotton candy.  Families are clearly having a great time and getting prepared for a big raffle, held by the government of the city.  Booker enjoys a few carnival games and generally enjoys the light atmosphere.

The raffle is held in front of a stage where Booker is presented with a baseball which has his raffle number on it.  The host on stage calls out the number and sure enough it matches the Booker’s raffle number, and everyone around is excited that this newcomer to their city gets to throw the first pitch.

This is when one of the most memorable moments in my looong computer game history occurs.  It’s something I didn’t want to mention in my previous blog entry because I didn’t want to spoil it for my Princess.

As Booker is ready for the target of his baseball throw, the stage curtain parts and a pair of people are presented.  They are a married man and woman couple of different races, tied up together as targets for the baseball, begging for mercy.  The host makes an extremely offensive comment about the women’s race which I don’t remember due to my rage at the incident and Booker is expected to begin the baseball stoning to death of this couple which has violated the laws of this city in the sky due to their mixed race marriage.  The game player is given an option, to have Booker throw the ball at the couple as expected or to throw the ball at the event host.

Easy choice, right?  Throw the ball at the host.

It was not as easy for me as I would have thought.  As a computer game player I like the game to flow smoothly without upsetting the apple cart of how a game is designed.  I like to explore all areas, nooks, and crannies, but I don’t like to try to find things a game designer might not have accounted for.  That’s just a general way I play games.  In this game when this unexpected and horrific presentation was made I could feel the weight of all of the characters around Booker as well as the host in what was expected of me/Booker.  Don’t go against what everyone expects and desires.

Fortunately, it only took me about 2 seconds to come to my senses and realize what was going on, and I took great pleasure in the outcome of using one on-looker’s knife to stab in the face another onlooker who blocked my throw.  I don’t at all revel in computer game violence but this time it felt justified, knowing that it was only a computer game character.

The society pressure I felt in those 2 seconds was a tiny bit of what probably others feel in real life, going along with a dynamic they do not like in their heart of hearts.  It was a chilling 2 seconds for me.

It is only a computer game, of course, I’m not delusional even during those 2 seconds of indecision.  But what really has emotional impact is that this sort of dynamic of racial supremacy was extremely real in this very country in the not too distant past.  I had a great aunt, about 70 years older than I am, who used language which offended me even as a 5 year old; she was not a popular person in our family due to that.  I know that there are very strong remnants of that horrifying dynamic with very real consequences today, though it is not generally sponsored by the government in the United States which is what made it stand out so much in the computer game.

In this Bioshock Infinite city in the sky, racial supremacy is very much sponsored by its government and throughout the early parts of the game after the raffle incident, this dynamic becomes evident with talks of forced work, inferiority, and all of that.  It’s horrific, I guess like a terror movie, because I know that it used to be very much real in the United States.  It’s unimaginable to me, I really can’t fathom how that could have been even remotely acceptable.

Pretty heavy stuff for a computer game.  Fortunately, it handles the topic with I believe the sensitivity required and never glorifies that dynamic.  I can imagine a white supremacist playing the game thinking how terrible it is putting his views into such a poor perspective, but to him I would say f off.  Okay, I wouldn’t say it but I would think it.

Not very tolerant of me, I suppose.  But I do not tolerate views like that which I find abhorrent.  In my teens and 20s (over 25 years ago) I would on occasion encounter someone lowering their voice to say something racially offensive to a group, such as a “joke” as if that would only offend the target of the comment, but I am glad that I personally have not encountered that lately because I would almost certainly not react well at all.  I am a non-confrontational person but I believe I would easily confront that person, albeit in a relatively “polite” way.  Ok, enough of that, I need to calm down lol.

The game goes in interesting and unexpected directions later, including talk of a rise of protests and introducing a whole lot of other concepts, but my Princess has not encountered much of those directions yet so I’ll leave it at that.  My Princess had pretty much the same initial hesitation at throwing the baseball as I had, and made the same choice for the same reasons.

That brings me back to the thread on FetLife about finger lengths.  There’s nothing offensive to me about someone saying that certain finger lengths are indicative of dominance or submission but it does make me think of a dynamic in which opportunity and persecution are determined by a physical characteristic, and that is not a dynamic I am tolerant of.

I also don’t really tolerate cauliflower, but that’s just a remnant of last night’s blog entry.